Update Since Ex Broke NC

[Mstyiyd]

Hi everyone, happy holidays to all! Haven't posted in a while, busy with work and other things that come w/this time of the year. Trying to catch up with where everyone is at.....

 

I wrote a few wks ago that my ex g/f had broken NC back in October as a b-day call to me. She had invited me to come to T-giving dinner and I wound up going. I did have a good time, her family has always been great to me. We are not together, we have not discussed anything like that, I still think she is not ready for a relationship and even if she was, I don't know if it's me she would want. I guess we're just friends, if that.

I am being very cool w/her, letting her initiate most of the phone calls between us, as well as making plans. I would like to start making plans to do this and that again, but I don't want to seem eager or that I'm reading into something because I seriously DO NOT want to get hurt again. I am not trying to give her the control here, but I definitely don't want to seem eager. I wish my head and heart were lined up at the same pace. But they're not yet. I still have feelings for her that I am trying to work through.

 

I think she has missed me during the nearly 5 months we really didn't communicate. She suggested over the T-giving wkend that we go see two upcoming shows, one the ballet and another a Broadway show that is put on where I live as part of a nat'l tour, as well as a well known concert that is actually tonight. I grew up going to see Broadway shows in NYC, and she knows that my family is into all that. She was never exposed to that stuff until we met. So I found it funny that she wanted to start doing that, esp. with me, now. Not trying to read into it, but I do know that most of her 'friends' are more into bar hopping (yes, she is 41 but hangs out w/a variety of ages) than theater hopping and probably wouldn't think to do things like this. I was pleased, since I enjoy seeing shows and hadn't in a long while. We've seen the ballet and the other show, then had dinner after each time. Everything is still very chill, mostly enjoying each other's company........like FRIENDS I guess. The concert tonite is also kinda funny bec. we are taking 2 of her family members, one being her mom. For someone that is so hung up on not wanting anyone (esp me) to think we are anything but friends, she sure has been wanting her family in the picture. They aren't stupid, even though we've never admitted to being anything more than friends in the past, I'm sure they're wondering what's up.

I know she hasn't hooked up with or dated anyone since me. Last week, she made a few sexually suggestive remarks to me that I also found strange, given the fact she would have a heart attack if anyone thought we were dating. (She is one funny duck, I tell ya!)......we were at the mall and I had to go to the bathroom really bad, so I asked her to hurry up and she said, "Oh you're stomach prob. hurts from all your hootchie-ing around"........like, hello? She knows I dont bar hop OR sleep around. I just laughed it off. Then another time she brought up a sexual exp. we had had when we were on vacation.....kinda out of the blue. And a third time, when I mentioned that I had a zit on my chin from PMS, she said "Oh, you prob have zits from eating p^*&(".....sorry to be disgusting & write that, but that is what she said. Its like she's either fishing for information, or trying to see my reaction but I think that is messed up to say things like that to someone you clearly told for many weeks way back in the day how much you didnt want to be w/them, only wanted friendship...........if I was the one who said those things to her I'd have been branded the dirtiest dog that ever lived.

Double standards!

 

Sigh, I let NC break when I was doing well. In a way I am happy to have her in my life again but who knows long term if that will remain. I would never be able to emotionally handle it if she hooked up w/someone, but that is her business and I am free to do what I want. So right now friendship it is. Part of me of course wants more. Part of me doesn't, as I dont want to be someone's safety net. Im still keeping my own life, hanging out w/my other friends, working hard, just trying.

 

I have also noted that since Thanksgiving, she and I have either talked to each other or seen each other every day except once. We have been meeting for lunch several times during the week. And last Saturday nite, she actually wanted to go shopping w/me and not bar hopping. I couldnt believe it. I cant remember the last Sat nite we spent together hanging out at all. I dont think the bar thing has stopped, certainly not, but wow. She has been the one initiating most of the calls and plans. I best keep it that way.

I also made my own plans already for New Year's so I dont get my hopes up about that or get upset. Not that she knows this, and Im sure she wouldnt ask me to hang out for NY's bec. she'll be drunk somewhere but still.

 

That is my update, hope everyone else is hanging in there too. Remember to treat yourself to something nice this holiday even if you're buying for others. A little retail therapy never hurt! Just know your limits!

Any advice, comments or suggestions are welcome. Im not exactly asking for something specific in this post, but trying to continue making progress with a bizarre situation. ](*,)

[patience]

Are you being honest with this woman? It is fairly clear that you are into her.

 

You want to be more than friends, but maybe she thinks you are happy being only a friend?

 

I would feel really 'played' if someone was hanging out with me under false pretenses. If she finds out much later that you still had feelings for her, she may be upset with you.

 

How much longer will you continue to go on like this? I suggest an open, honest conversation. If you are dating, that should be admitted to...otherwise you're both going to get hurt.

 

I understand your caution with this woman, given her past behavior towards you and so forth...but still, it is better to be forthright about your intentions.

 

If you are truly able to be in the 'just friends' category, then fine, go on as you are. If you are secretly harboring desire for more, you will end up hurt and disappointed.

 

I'm speaking from experience with 'confused' women.

[Mstyiyd]

No, I know I still have feelings for her, I'm human and I can't honestly say I don't. I'm still struggling with things. I am trying to get to where I need to be. Probably is safe to say "I'm into her"......however, the NC I established made me have some separation and I feel more aware of certain avenues with this than I did before I NC'd. I am not trying to "play" her. I think it's the other way around. She contacted me, broke NC. (I know, I allowed it...).....There are other fish in the sea. I know that. There is a part of me that would like the feelings reciprocated but there's a good chance they may not be. It is very difficult. I helped her go thru cancer. It's hard. I pray every day I get to where I need to be w/head and heart.

Right now I can handle having a friendship of sorts with her. I am keeping boundaries up for myself. How long that can continue---don't know. Could it continue if she chooses to date? No, I would not be able to handle that. If I was able to meet someone myself I would not deny the opportunity to have a date or whatever. Some may argue that I won't have that chance till I'm NC with her again. I don't know. I kind of wish I could meet someone because it may help....but you can't bank on someone else popping into the picture to solve your problem, I get that. I hang out with other friends, do my own thing, I'm trying. But I am not playing anyone. It is not always easy to do black/white with someone you care about. She is not stupid, I'm sure she thinks or feels that I still care for her. We'll see......we have that concert tonight to go to.

Shrugging my shoulders......doing what i can right now.....that's all I can say......

[peterrabbit]

I think she knows that you are into her. Really. I have always known when a guy is into me. Well, that is, as i have grown older. And the thing is... I don't mind hanging out with you so long as I feel that I have made myself clear that I don't like you in that way and you have understood and accepted that. Sometimes, they try again, but i'll just make myself clear again and continue to hang out as friends. Even my exes (the ones which I broke up with) - i have known when they are into me still... u can feel it. And to be honest... i think that people's egos are big enough that even if the dumpee is over them they will still think that the poor dumpee is still really in love with them in some way.

 

In fact, I would go out of my way to hang out with you, but it wouldn't be because I like you in THAT way. Come to think of it, I probably liked hanging out with those guys because they were really nice to me (and they were probably really nice to me because they really liked me). I guess in some way I liked the attention.

 

Just my two cents.

[Mstyiyd]

I hear ya, and I clearly see your point, too. I probably sound desperate when I write......actually, most people have told me that I am too good for her. Having stuck by during her illness, I am very educated, good looking (so I've been told, & was a child model), slender, sweet, not too faced, good values. So on paper I guess I look like a great catch. I've never cheated on anyone or got in the middle of someone's relationship. She is the one who really hasn't treated me very nicely once we got together. We never officially were together, we slept together for a yr, she had gotten out of an 8 yr rel. and hasnt been w/anyone besides me since. Prior to that we had been very good friends, that was it. She initiated the intimacy. You gotta read my previous posts to get the whole thing. Basically it was a case of her getting her cake/eating it too. And me being the nice girl, I put up w/alot before I did NC. I still have feelings for her bec. mine didnt go away as fast. There was no concrete reason given to me why she didnt want to be w/me. I would have thought by now she'd have hooked up w/someone else, esp given the amount of partying she does, but it has not happened. And why she wants me in her life is beyond me. I am just gonna try to be scarce but friendly right now.

 

I probably sound * * * * *y in this post, sorry........PMS, whatever......i dont know what i am saying or asking. Just venting perhaps! I dont want to be anyone's doormat. I am not letting her stay w/me again, or doing her favors, or any of that stuff. Not paying for her when we've gone out. 50-50. I guess I am a dumpee???.......they never realize what they have till it's gone and even then it makes you wonder. Egos, big egos......](*,)

[peterrabbit]

No, you don't sound like anything bad at all

 

Don't worry about it, if you were good to her (and i think you know in your heart whether you were), she'll definitely be contacting you. Why not? You make her feel good about herself. Who doesn't want that?

 

I guess ultimately that's really the test of whether they will regret losing you - if they contact you after the break-up. obviously in some way you made them feel good about themselves. if they don't, well then you must've done something really horrible. That's one of the reasons dumpees don't feel good contacting dumpers right? Because they did something horrible, i.e. breaking up. And when you look back, what do you regret? probably not relationships in which you were dumped, but relationships where you were the dumper.

 

So i think it's fairly safe to say you were good to her and she knows it. But regret doesn't mean that she will come back. Just means she will want more of those good feelings from you. Don't give it to her! Give it to someone who deserves it