mush.

[teacup]

whenever men are concerned or whenever a guy i really like enters my life.....i turn into mush. literally.

 

he becomes all i think of, he becomes my main focus, my concentration, the center of how i revolve my life and schedule. i start to lose respect for myself, i lose selfesteem, i start to despise myself because i stop pursuing my goals, stop getting my business taken care of, stop getting my schoolwork done, fail classes, and turn into this mess that waits for him.

 

is this a bad habit? it's why i ruin my relationships because the guy starts to despise me for it, starts to disrespect me, take me for granted and this leads to a breakup and him not wanting to see me or spend time with me.

 

and then after he leaves, i feel all better. and i start back in on my life.

 

what is this? why am i this way? since when i have come to use men to define me, who i am, how i live my life? why do i believe that i need to constantly be thinking of him and to be making all the time in the world for him in order to maintain the attraction and "love"? where did this strange belief come from and why do i act upon this?

 

i know better! i will do better! but i still question it....i do not, will not be a mush any more. i will get to the bottom of it. it makes me sick and ashamed. it's disgusting. there must be a reason for this. (does it have any roots in abuse?)

 

any ideas why or how to break the cycle?

[Serendipity1607307077]

I think this is a bad habit - if you are thinking like this, you are probably reflecting it as well, as you might come accross as being clingy...

 

You feel like you need to be dependent on a partner... and it's better that you don't think this way. You need to live for YOU and you only. Relationships come and go, but you have to think about you as the number one person...

 

You feel so selfless when you have someone else to consider, because you are scared that you will lose them.. but guess what.. if you think about you before anyone else, your goals and everything will never be pushed aside... You shouldn't make time for him... make time for yourself. If he likes you, he will make time for YOU!

 

It's almost like you feel pressure to live up to his expectations.. here's something else - he was attracted to you for a reason. How you act normally (before you realise a guy likes you) should be the way you act when you know he DOES like you. Why? Because this is why he was attracted to you in the first place. Someone with direction and purpose, someone who wants to go places, who is friendly and caring, yes, but not to the point where they feel suffocated..

 

Just throwing ideas around!

[teacup]

i totally agree. but i just want to know WHY. why do i act this way? where is it coming from? how did i get like this?

 

i seriously hate this quality about myself. i have to grit my teeth and pull myself out of it, but WHY do i even do it?

 

and WHAT can i do about it?

[Mun]

there must be a reason for this. (does it have any roots in abuse?)

 

any ideas why or how to break the cycle?

 

If you have suffered abuse, then of course it could have something to do with this...but I'm not the expert.

 

It probably won't be easy for you to change your behavior, but I think you can do it, you just have to work at it every day. Make yourself a priority, keep yourself happy and in turn he will be happy to be with you. Focus on yourself when you aren't with him, keep busy and keep your interests--it will make you a more interesting person. Remind yourself daily that : He isn't going anywhere, he is with you because he likes you... and believe it. He is lucky to have you.

[needafriend]

I am like you. I do all of these things too.

 

Sometimes I feel like slapping myself so hard in the face, sometimes I just want to take control of my thoughts again, I want to put myself first for once.

 

I give my bf a lot of space and do not come accross as clingy - but the fact that it is quite obvious to him that he is probably the most important thing in my life at the moment and I am always there when he wants to hang out, DOES make him take me for granted. And I hate it.

 

I have no idea how to stop it.

But I do know where it comes from with me - I have a fear of abandonment.

This comes from my childhood and is rearing its ugly head in my adult life, affecting my relationship with him and those before him.

 

I hang on for dear life because I don't want him to leave - not in a clingy way just to the point where he is like a god in my life - and thats not the way it should be.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still go out with my friends and am busy a lot, but my spare time is always for him, he knows this and I think its a little boring for him.

 

Is there anyway you could have a fear such as mine that is affecting your relationships in a simialr way??

 

xox

[Serendipity1607307077]

I think it has a lot to do with previous experiences in your life...

Mine, well I guess I relate my clingy behaviour (I'm not as bad now, but I used to be terrible - pushed SO many guys away) to my dad leaving at an early age, then the death of my stepdad in 2002... no male figure in my life did make things so difficult... I have got back into contact with my real dad over the last few months, which has allieviated my clinginess, but this is where I feel my problem lied/lay... (no mood for grammar).

 

You just have to realise that you CAN live without your partner/boyfriend. If I feel myself getting clingy, I usually put myself out of my bubble and go and see a friend, do something that I want to do, such as watch Naruto, play Burnout, something like that... sometimes I even just make myself "cold" - in other words, don't talk, look at, interact with my partner so that he can have space! Even if I feel like I could really REALLY do with a snuggle.. I don't!

 

It's hard to explain how to overcome... sometimes to overcome a fear you have to confront yourself with it I guess.

 

Also, I guess you have to have a certain level of trust for your boyfriend as well... he has to understand why you are acting this way - have you tried explaining to him? It sounds silly but sometimes communicating your thoughts and feelings, no matter how silly they sound, can help immensely.

[sparticuss]

whenever men are concerned or whenever a guy i really like enters my life.....i turn into mush. literally.

 

is this a bad habit? it's why i ruin my relationships because the guy starts to despise me for it, starts to disrespect me, take me for granted and this leads to a breakup and him not wanting to see me or spend time with me.

 

any ideas why or how to break the cycle?

 

You break the cycle by identifying the problem. Yes! This is a terrible habit.

 

You identify the problem

The guys don't disrespect you. You just think they do.

You start out worshiping them and expecting them to worship you back. It has never worked that way. Lack of worship is not lack of respect.

 

Thats the real problem. And its your problem. Not the guys.

 

Talk to some of the girls on these pages who have genuinely been badly treated by thier guys.

 

(And I dont' mean late for a date either. I mean the serious stuff. Something as serious as the one in Melbourne where a mum recently cut off her babys foot with an axe. That sort of serious.)

 

Thats when you really start to understand.

[Bethany]

I think to break the cycle you must become happy and independent, relying on YOURSELF and not others to make your life better or happier in some way, and if that takes a few months or even years, that time should be spent until you become a strong, happy person deep inside.

 

Lack of confidence and low self esteem make people clingy and needy and I personally think until you have spent that time rebuilding your confidence and self esteem, you will always be that needy clingy person.

 

You DON'T need anyone but you and when you truly feel like that about yourself and have got a life where you are independent, and you don't look for a man to make you better,to make you happy and who you can depend on and because of the change inside yourself, they will in turn see you as the strong independent person you want to be, who lives life for life itself, and not a clingy needy person who will fall apart and smother you, make you feel guilty, and who you will eventually leave because that type of person isn't over what has happened to them and is looking for someone to take it all away, which NO ONE can do but them and thats where the problem lies.

 

As a strong independent woman myself, I too would run a mile if anyone started to do those things to me. I want a partner in life, not a dependent who 'needs' me or will fall apart or can't bear to live without me. Is that really fair on anyone to be like that?

[teacup]

of course i undersatnd all that. the question is, why dont i do it??

[Mun]

of course i undersatnd all that. the question is, why dont i do it??

 

Well, how do you feel about yourself? Do you honestly believe that you are enough and what you have to offer is enough? If you did you wouldn't be repeating this pattern...you have to work on yourself first.