Crossroads with life and ex--what do you think?

[redandblack]

had to delete, sorry

[Bigbilly]

Sounds like you really care about her, but you have to be perfectly honest with yourself: is this relationship you have with her now doing anything but cause you pain? I know what it is like to sit around and wait; wait for the other person to "come to their senses", and I know how maddening it is.

The fact is, she chose to break up with you to persue other interests. She was blunt about it, but at least she was honest. She realizes what she did, but she isn't really needing to pay the price for her decision because you are keeping yourself in her life, an emotional crutch for her so she can feel better about breaking up with you to pursue other guys.

 

This is wrong. I know you want her back, but wanting isn't getting, and she could very well keep you waiting forever. This attatchment you've kept to her is only hurting you, and this is extremely unhealthy for you and a perilous detriment to your future happiness and well-being. Leave her behind. Your contact with her is only hurting you, and trying to "be friends" isn't an option because you clearly want more than that. No contact, I say. You're doing the right thing by keeping busy, so continue to do so. I know you may not want too, but talk to other girls. Try some casual dating.

 

Your ex is getting to try other people, and it isn't fair that you aren't letting yourself do the same. Please, cut her out of your life the way she cut you out of hers. No contact because it will only hurt you. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but in a few months, if you stick to no contact, keep busy, and start truly living again, you will realize it was best.

[RescueDiver]

If I were you I would do what you can to move on in life. If you're going to get a second chance with her it isn't going to be anytime soon (I'm talking it may be years, if ever). I'm not saying it can't or won't happen. She has said that she wants to play the field and you're not going to get a fair second chance until she's gone out and done that (made mistakes, etc...). So, move on with your life. You have to be honest with yourself though... not waiting around and actively exploring other options are two entirely different things. If you're not doing the latter (and giving these other options honest consideration) you're clearly waiting for her and that you can't do. You're bound to do some waiting for her... that's understandable. Fading into low-contact in this situation is not going to destroy your future chances. Very few people marry their first boyfriend/girlfriend (and it's often a good thing they don't). If you hang around and maintain close contact with her you're going to get to hear about all her new boyfriends and such. That's probably one of the most aggravating things you can go through. Listen to the voice of experience here. Because if they treat her like dirt it'll infuriate you because you know you could treat her so much better, if they treat her well, you'll be depressed because she's happy and you're not. There have been a couple of times when I've crossed paths with ex's before. The most recent instance was after we had been broken up for 4 years. This was after she and her boyfriend of three years broke up. We didn't get back together though because by the time she had healed she found a new interest. I was upset about missing the second chance, but I got over it.

What I'm trying to say is that you can't plan this because if it's going to happen, it's going to take longer than you will be able to plan for. So, just keep doing what it sounds like you've been doing (keeping busy, explore other options) and chances are you'll be over her in a few months (and will probably have a new interest).

[Lil Punkin]

Hi red.

 

My vote is the tried and true No Contact. It sounds like you ARE an important person to her..but unfortunately not important enough. Have you gone any length of time without contact? You being around is only feeding HER ego and withholding you from moving on. I KNOW it's tough to cut someone off you care about so much...but in the long run it's for the best.

 

In this situation, I would NOT tell her you want to do NC because of your feelings for her. That still gives her entirely too much control over you. I would simply either tell her the "friends" thing just isn't working for you, because you aren't good at accepting "crumbs". OR..you could simply just drop off her radar for a while. Telling her your "feelings" will likely only cause you both to be uncomfortable and add un needed tension. Go NC while things are still on good terms...this way she will be left with a good feeling about you.

 

Thats my 2 cents

[Beec]

I don't know if you need to have no contact, but don't wait for her.

 

You have no committment to anyone, get out there and date someone. The risk that she may lose you forver, because you are dating, would be the best motivation you could create in her. And whi,le you are at it, enjoy that dates, the new woman may be wonderful.

[7tInNC]

Agree with some of the message in other posts, go ahead and date again. BUT keep your options open. You never know, but also consider this: are the best partners ones who are mirrors of each other's personalities ?

 

If you parted as friends and still have the love of that friendship, then after a few months of NC, might start with a card (or e-mail) just to keep in contact. Take it from one who wishes he had kept that kind of friendship up with my ex-fiance, not to rekindle the romance, but because the friendship can still be for life even if the romance isn't! In my case it was over 20 years before my "ex" contacted me and we resolved a lot of misunderstandings, but resumed a friendship. You don't have to wait that long!

 

Best, 7tInNC

[redandblack]

Thanks for the responses! They mean a lot to me.

 

As far as dating other girls goes--It's not that I am waiting for my ex, it's just that I have no other options. I work a labour job mostly alone, I have a close circle of single male friends and I commute to school so I can't really get involved with anything (there isn't a lot to begin with). I keep my eyes open, but I just have no luck when it comes to finding girls to date!

 

Lil Punkin:

I did go through a short period of NC to get over the initial crushing effects of everything. However, we gradually became very close "friends". The NC worked pretty well and I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for that NC, but this friendship is killing me softly.

 

It's all so unfair (whatever that means), but there's no point in dwelling on that which I cannot change, I suppose. If she wants me back, she knows how to contact me and what to say.

 

Ahhh, thanks again for these responses. They are hard to stomach, but are truly what I need.

[Lil Punkin]

Red..I understand how you feel about doing the 'friends" thing. My brother is going through it with someone and I have witnessed it firsthand.

 

Your intentions are in the right place..but if it's "killing you"..you're really no good as a friend right now. Try to back off slowly if you can.....you said NC worked before. Maybe you just need to do it a little more dilligently this time.

 

All the best!

[Bigbilly]

Yeah, well ...consider why we make friends. Do we make friends with people who make us feel terrible? Because they leave us feeling alone and lost and hopeless? Your being "friends" with her is just a thinly veiled effort to get her back, and it's unhealthy for you. End it altogether.

 

That sucks that you have trouble finding available women, but you're young and I'd wager your a pretty fit guy. Maybe there's something you can do to help expose you to more people; join a club of some sort at school or whatever other social circles you might be able to infiltrate. All it takes is a bit of effort.

 

Good luck there.

[7tInNC]

redandblack,

 

Been in similar situation to you. After my ex broke up with me and with new job far away, all my friends were gone. I was finishing grad school, working on new career. Found a local church who hosted country dance groups weekly and after finishing the grad school and getting in a routine, started dating again 6 months later. Within a year I'd met a wonderful woman, who I am still married to over 20 years later.

 

So, while it may be hard to feel that way now, your time will come. May be through a totally unexpected contact and a totally unexpected situation!

 

Best to you, 7tInNC