Lost...

[lizzy22]

Hi Everyone.

 

Im sorry for posting a lot, but Im going through a really diffucult time right now.

 

I decided to put an end to a verbally abusive relationship i was in for 2 years. Not all of it was abuse though, and I think that is what I am clinging to right now.

 

My boyfriend had the most gentle and kind heart, and never once put my appearance down, never took me away from my family or friends, and in fact encouraged me to spend quality time with friends and family whenever I could.

 

On the other hand, he was very verbally abusive. Hes probably called me every degrading name in the book when he gets mad. He has pushed me to the floor twice, and threw some of my property and broke it in a rage.

 

I am having such a hard time with this breakup because even after all of his verbal abuse and the way he ignores me when we have a fight, I still love him and miss him tremendously! It hurts so bad, and now im doubting my decision to leave him for good.

 

Please reassure me everyone that I did the right thing, and that I shouldn't call him. He hasn't called me, but I just think of him so much. Please read my other posts to see deeper into my situation, but i guess im just clinging to his good side now...

[blues_belter]

Oh Lizzy, I know exactly what you are going through, because i am now out of a similar situation. I know what it feels like to be happy with someone, and then all of a sudden they turn into a completely different person even for a moment. It feels like the person yealling at you could not possibly be the person you were with just five minutes before. The way he treats you makes you feel like it is all your fault. I remember him being a jerk and then I would run AFTER HIM and apologize.

 

It may be tough to realize, but if your own self image was starting to suffer- getting out is the best thing. Did you call it to his attention that he was hurting you? How would he handle your fears? I'm sorry, I haven't read any of your other posts

[Dako]

He may have been a good guy in some ways. A broken clock is right twice a day, but you deserve to be treated well all the time.

 

Rest assured you've done the right thing. Any guy who treats a woman that badly isn't worth your trust. Being with an abuser can gradually rob you of self-respect.

[catgirl82]

lizzy,

though i am not an expert- i really think you did the right thing. the way i see it, a lot of abusive people show their bad sides when they get angry, right? of course when he's in a good mood, hes going to be good to you. this is probably why so many people stay in abusive relationships for so long, they cling to the good times and sort of ignore the bad times. this is not to say that some abusive men are probably terrible all of the time- but again, i really feel that abuse (verbal, sexual, physical), even if its only 1% of the time is NOT acceptable!! i read somewhere that abusive men are usually very charming- this is why they can keep their women around for so long.

you did the right thing. there are PLENTY of guys who will not put down your looks or keep you away from your friends and family. just because your ex did not put down your looks and encouraged you to hang out with friends, does he deserve a medal? i think that those qualities are the bare minimum you should be looking for

 

when youre having doubts, just focus on all of the reasons why you left him. you'll get through this, and congratulations on being so strong and doing the right thing

[lizzy22]

Dako:

 

It has robbed me of my self respect, and i guess that is why i knew that no matter how hard it will be, i have to be out and away from him for good. you are right on, because I need to gain that back. i have turned into a sad, miserable, and always on my toes kinda person lately with all he has done to me. I will never say i am perfect, and god knows i put him through a lot, but i NEVER put him down, NEVER hurt him or cussed at him. He would hurt me on purpose it seemed like.

 

Blues_belter:

Yes, I would address him many many times that his anger and outbursts killed me. He would say, "i know, im sorry, but....." there was always a "but" If i didn't do this, if i would do what he said! He admitted to his anger problem and apologized, but he always blamed it on something I did to him. yea, i could be annoying at times, but what boyfriend or girlfriend isn't at times. He would constantly tell me that I need to listen to him, to OBEY him, etc, like I was a child. he even called me a child more than a couple times a week.

 

Citigirl:

wow. you put things into perspective for me. No, he doesn't deserve a medal, and I almost gave him one. Yes, that should be the bare minimum. Thanks for addressing it like that. it helps because my head is not clear yet..

 

As i write all this stuff about him, i realize more and more that as hard as it is for me to have left him, it was the best thing. He hasn't even had the decency to call me.

 

His abuse most likely would escalate, and thats a scary thought. There are men out there who would never do this to me, and love me for the kind and loving person i am, mistakes and all... =)

[ratherbesailing]

Lissy -

 

Don't even think of going back. If he calls don't get into a discussion, just tell him that you need your space and would rather he didn't contact you. Don't aggrivate him, even if he tries to get you going.

[Tigris]

You've done the right thing by getting away from him. We are only given one life and we have to make the most of it.

 

I hope you find someone who appreciates you next time.

 

Good luck, take care and be strong.

[lizzy22]

Hey everyone:

Just one question. Is it normal that i miss my ex so much, that all i have been thinking about is him?

 

I wonder if he is even thinking of me, because after i wrote him that email i was done with us for a while, he hasn't responded. When we have broken up before, he is never the one to bring flowers, never has, and he usually calls and says he misses me, but never a genuine apology.

 

I know its the best thing to leave him because of his anger problems, but i just miss our routine, and him. Its tough!

 

Is this feeling normal to still feel so in love?

[Da5id]

Yes...

 

It's normal. Unfortunately, often times, at least for me and the people I discuss it with, it's not only love that we're dealing with, but obsession as well.

 

Sometimes, as a defense mechanism, the ego puts a person up onto a pedestal to justify them leaving us, or having the ability to go on without us. Sort of like saying, "If they are able to leave me, they must be nearly perfect."

 

Interesting mechanism no?