Can't move on...can't let go. Feeling totally stuck

[donut]

I broke up with my boyfriend early in September. I was the one who broke up with him....because in my gut I felt our relationship wasn't right. We talked about trying counseling or something....but I think the problem si something that really can't be fixed. We are too similar and don't balance each other at all. We love each other very much....but just make each other crazy. So now we're broken up.

 

The problem is this....deep down in my gut I think I'm not supposed to be with him (at least not now).....but whenever I'm missing him the most I start to doubt this and wonder What if things could have worked? What if we'd only tried harder? (I know relationships aren't supposed to be EASY...but ours caused us both so much grief right from the very beginning). I just can't let go of him. I think about him all of the time and my life feels completely empty without him. I almost WISH he'd been the one to break up with me because then maybe I could have some kind of closure....but since I think there's a chance we coudl get back together maybe....I spend all my time wondering if maybe I made a mistake even though deep down I know that I didn't. Does thi smake any sense? I've always been super super super obsessive......so I knwo that the constant "What If's" are part of that......but this is really making me go crazy.

 

At this point I've agreed not to call him because he says talking hurts him too much...but I think about him ALL the time.

 

Did anyone ever have a gut instinct that they just DID'NT want to follow? For months before we broke up, I felt deep down that things weren't right...but I tried to ignore it because the idea of not being with him makes me physically sick. I thought that following my gut would make me feel better but its been over two months and I feel worse. Please help.

[donut]

just want to add....when i said i "tried to ignore" my gut feeling...this doesn't mean i didnt try to work on our problems. i made tosn and tons and tons of compromises (some of which, in retrospect, were nto healthy compromises to make....like giving up talking to certain guy friends because he was jealous...etc). pretty much our entire relationship was us trying to work on our problems. i dont think everything was his Fault by any means....but I also think we weren't able to make each other happy. there were some amazing times...but also a lot a LOT of gut wrenchingly awful ones. but somehow even though i remember feeling so terrible that doesnt' seem to matter when im missing him.......

 

i hate this i hate this i ahte this i hate this. he says he doens't want to see me but i want to go to his apartment SO badly.....

 

can gut instincts be wrong?

[patience]

is it possible that you are obsessing, and that is why he is on your mind?

 

obsessing about someone doesn't mean he is 'the one' or that you should get back with him

 

are you getting any counselling to deal with the obsessions?

 

it doesn't sound like the relationship was good for either of you, and letting go seems the obvious choice

[donut]

i do regularly see a therapist....but i just switched to a new one (new to me, not a new therapist) she doens't knwo me well enough to say whether my obsessing is "real" or just obsessing......and i am caught in the middle of it so its imposssible for me to tell.

 

i felt more connected to him than ive ever felt with anyone in my entire life...but part of this is becauase we both suffer from lots of anxiety and depression and so we really Understand each other in a way that wasn't always too healthy.....the first months and months of our relationship all we did all weekend was lie in bed together and occasionally get up and watch tv.

 

while we were together he was addicted to prescription drugs...a month or so before we broke up he stopped taking these things and is now (going to 12 step meetings...etc)......when im obsessing part of me wonders if maybe we could try being together again when he's less new to being sober........

 

Where do our "guts" get their information from? and how is it possible that my gut and my heart coudl be in such disagreement

[whatchamacallit]

Donut, I am hurting with you after reading your post. I, too, am in a relationship where you can't live with him, can't live without him. It's like you're in an emotional whirlpool you can't get out of. I feel for you and hope that over time, there will be closure for you one way or another. You love this person, but you know in your mind he's not good for you. In the relationship I'm in, I love him so intensely, but marriage is out of the question because of negative circumstances. Getting counseling will help you. Also, talk to friends and ask God to give you strength and give you what you need.

[donut]

thanks W.

 

ive been trying and trying and trying. but ive been talking about nothing but this for months and motnhs.....and while some of my friends are still willing to listen, i feel like im a broken record. nothing anyone says helps...nothing seems to help.

 

I really feel like this is killing me. not to be dramatic...but thats what it feels like. i just talked to him on the phone a little bit ago....i called him at work and said that if we weren't going to talk for a while (whihc is what he says he wants) then i dont want our last conversation to have been bad (it was...he hung up on me).......

 

we just said the same things we always say over and over and over...i told him how much i llove him and how being away from him is killing me.....he said somethign about why wont i just be his girlfriend...i said that im not interested in anyone else and that more than anything in the world i just want to get to see him. whenever he says something about us being back together i start sweating and feel like im going to throw up (this is the gut feeling part....i guess its less gut and more...everywhere). its strange because its a very physical reaction that i get whenever he talks about us making a commitment towards each other.

 

i feel like im slipping into a deep deep black hole with no bottom. when im not talking to him life really does seem completely pointless and not worth living.

 

he said that he doesnt want to just see me casually and he can't be friends with me and really waht he needs to do is just forget about me. i keep begging him just to see me. im not interested in seeing anyone else AT ALL and i keep hoping if maybe i can see him again that my stupid gut feeling will go away and then we'll be able to be together.....i havent' seen him in 2.5 months even though we live in the same city.

 

the end result of this covnesation was he said "well i guess you're jsut not ready to settle down" (i'm 26, he's 33) and said "call me when you are" and then we hung up.

 

the problem is...no amoutn of thinking on my own changes my gut at all. i feel sick almost all the time. i do not enjoy anything. i tried just lying in bed doing nothing but watching tv. i tried keeping busy with friends. i volunteered for a bunch of stuff (that starts this weekend)...i dotn know what else to do.

 

i cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way.

 

what are the circumstances standing between you and your person if you dont mind my asking?

[thetruthintheformofhiphop]

I think you know the answer to it

 

Look deepinside of you babygirl

 

Why are you even writting this letter?

 

If you didnt really care about him or anything you wouldnt be wrtitting about him.I know and you know if you want to or not.

 

Do what you know you want to do.....

[donut]

the truth.....

 

but what i want to do and what my gut tells me i need to do are so different! i want to see him more than anything in the world.......but the relationship was really unhealthy and made us both feel totally crazy......

 

so are you saying i should go be with him or not be with him???

[whatchamacallit]

Donut, With each reply to this thread you started, I feel your pain as if it's my own. I have this same problem in common with you. My head says for you to listen to your gut. It's telling you something for a reason. Of course, this is easy for me to tell you, but hard to follow it myself. I have been told by close friends to drop my relationship with the person in my life. And all of it makes sense. But, my heart aches when he and I are not together. They tell me there will be someone else someday. But, my heart can't see someday right now. All you feel is the pain you're feeling NOW. My roadblocks that get in the way of our relationship are several. Not just one. He is 11 years younger than I, has two young children while mine are grown, my grown children hate him..they never want to meet him, or see him, or hear about him. The top of the list, though, is that we left our spouses for each other about a year ago. The guilt feelings have subsided somewhat over that little incident, but will always be with us. We lived together for a year and then decided to part. His boys play baseball all through the year and he was constantly having to be involved in that and they live with their mom 30 miles away. So, I was left alone ALOT! Also, we work together. Believe me, it's a total mess. The main stumbling blocks for me are the possibility of living with 2 young children someday...at my age, and the feelings of my children. If I married him, I would be losing my children and gaining someone else's. Yes, I was in fantasy land, but the love I feel for this man is immense. I have been exactly where you're at. An unhealthy relationship that you can't let go of because of the love you feel. I don't know what to tell you to do, cause I don't even know what to do myself. I mainly want you to know that I feel for you so much and my heart goes out to you because I know the pain you feel. You are young. Eventually the romantic love subsides. Do you have enough in common? Or is there something that will sustain the relationship when the romance is diminished? For me, that would be a common, shared faith in God. That would be the glue that holds it all together...in my opinion.

[donut]

thanks very much for writing w. your sitaution sounds really hard and i wish i knew something good to say to you about it really wish i did!

 

at this point i have agred to stop calling him. i keep agreeing to it and then not-being able to stay away and calling him anwyay. but this time im really going to try and stick to it for at least a month. ihaven't seen him in such along time that alhtough i miss him horribly....well....its somehow a little easier now. i dont love him any less...but i guess time (even though we have been talking a llot) at least ads a little distance. or maybe i am only feeling like this right now because im feeling almost okay at the moment. or...relatively

 

the thing with my ex....not oly do i love him and feel romantically for him...but i alos LIKE him a lot.....he's the funniest person and so so smart and interesting......

 

but i also know that when i was with him a lot of our times together were NOT good....being aroudn him made me feel depressed because he is sort of isolated from the world and just likes to sleep and watch tv.....and while i CAN get into doing a lot of sleeping and tv watching.....im usually only doing this when im depressed.....and on a deeper level..i guess i think it woudl be good for me to be with someone who was a little happier than i am....or maybe a little more balanced as a person.....and so we could balance each other instead of making each other worse......

 

at this point im trying to NOT let myself think too much about the wonderful amazing times (the best times of my life were also with him)......because i know when i do..tahts when i break down and call him. and calling him feels GOOD to me....but he doesn't want me to unless we're doing to be in a serious relationship (ive suggested many times that we coudl jsut see each other and spend time together....but he's not interested in that unless we're working torwards a definite future togehter).....

 

so i guess all i can do at this point is try and move forwards and believe that my gut has some idea what its talking about......

[whatchamacallit]

Sounds like he's moved on better than you have? It is interesting how some people can move on so easily and others can't. Is it a lack of self esteem or self control? I know personally I don't have a lot of either. I wish I was more secure. Maybe you too?

[puzzled76]

Donut,

 

I had to reply to your message because it sounds a lot like what I am going through now. I haven't broken up with him yet, but I feel like I should. Our relationship is so unhealthy, and I've already broken up with him once. He tells me time and time again that we probably shouldn't have gotten back together, but I just felt sick when I wasn't with him.

 

I won't get into a long story about our past but I will tell you this, you have started the process of breaking up, now get used to NC because it will eventually lead you to peace. I'm going to be on that path myself and I hope you and I can find the peace and happiness we deserve. You are definitely not alone. Good luck with everything.

[biz]

Hi everyone, I'm kinda new to the site, well, actually I found this site last year when my g/f and I broke up but never posted anything. Reading it helped me A LOT!

I just registered for the heck of it b/c I'm going through a breaking up again...I'll post up later b/c it's late and have to sleep.

Donut, hang in there and like puzzled76 said, NC is the best right now. Fill your void with hobbies, family, and friends. Be strong within and your path will shine through. Self-love is a very important practice right now for you. Good luck..see ya.

[whatchamacallit]

Donut, it's nice just to know you're not alone in what you...and I'm going through. It kinda strengthens you and gives you hope. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and pray for your strength. Do we get addicted to people, like we do drugs and alchohol? I guess a person can be an addiction? I wonder what others have to say about being addicted to an unhealthy relationship. Is that co-dependency? I don't know. Hang in there!!!

[ocrob]

Hi Donut,

 

I am wondering if I was on the other side? There was a time where my ex became very religious and when we broke up she would say she just did not think it was god's will. I think that is the same as saying something in her gut said no. Since then she has changed the reasons and is no longer being the Christian she was. I don't know the answer. People are so complex. : ) They say misery loves company and I love your company and everyone else on here. lol

 

cya,

 

ocrob

[polaris]

There was a time where my ex became very religious and when we broke up she would say she just did not think it was god's will. I think that is the same as saying something in her gut said no. Since then she has changed the reasons and is no longer being the Christian she was.

 

This is an important point you've raised here. Psychologists often talk about post-hoc reasoning, where you have an emotion first, and then your brain fills in it's best guess at the reason for your having had that. To you, it's looks like reason A caused feeling B, but really you experience feeling B first, and only afterwards guessed that A might have been the reason. Very often, when relationships end, the person ending them doesn't really have a clear idea why they're ending them, which is why people so often come up with decidely unconvincing reasons, and sometimes if that reason disappears, substitute another.

[whatchamacallit]

Donut, how was your weekend? Any progress? Feeling better?