Overcoming The Past

[Lonly_guy]

Hi There,

 

I have been seeing this girl for almost 4 months now. I really care about her and she cares about me. The problem is this: during a few conversations we have had, she has mentioned some of her past. Things like she's had a threesome(once), kissed a guy at a gay bar, and been fairly promiscuous.

 

I am very conservative, and have only just lost my virginity to her. I'm not the type of guy to go out and just kissing someone I don't know at a club let alone having a one nighter. She is 26 and I'm 26, she says she hasn't done any of that since her little girl was born some 3.5 years ago. She did however kiss a guy at a club a month before she met me.

 

Every time any of this stuff comes up I feel sick to my stomach, and I go quite. She has noticed and has said stuff.

 

Recently after she mentioned some of her past, I went quite again and she knew something was wrong and asked me about it. So I reluctantly told her how I felt - that was I was scared and concerned. Her reaction was she ended up crying. I feel like such a AH for having these feelings, and even more guilty telling her how i really feel. To be fair to myself I haven't been myself lately after coming down with glandular fever.

 

I guess I want to know is:

 

- Are these feelings normal?

- Should I tell her how I feel?

- How do I overcome these feelings?

 

I've since told her that I don't want to talk about her past anymore. She has agreed but I can't help occasionally thinking of some of that stuff. She has a child from one of her one nighters. I get on with her and her family and her little girl. I don't want to lose her.

 

P.S I know some of this stuff doesn't sound that bad, like kissing someone you don't know, but that's just not me, and for some reason concerns me. I don't know why but it and the other just do.

 

Anyway advice would be appreciated!

 

Stewart

[7CardStud]

Heh, I know im a lot younger than you are... But I was in the same situation (minus the her having a baby) but you get my point...

 

I would say I took it the same way u did... Infact i was kinda like "I want to ask this question, but im really afriad of the answer she will give me." and I got burned by that way of thinking a few times... Now I just stick clear of the past relationships... I know what u mean about the 1 month before u met she was kissing someone... Well she was with her ex like 2 weeks before we met...

 

They were no longer together... More like friends with benefits...

 

In my opinion you shouldn't tell her how u feel... You've already done that, and she broke down. You will have to keep the battle in ur head.

 

Overcoming the feelings... Honestly... sometimes I still feel bad about thinking about the stuff in her past... But if you try to keep ur mind off all that garbage and try to focus on how good you two are together and how lucky u are to be with each other, it goes away.

 

You have to think, shes with me... not them, she is no longer the same person she USE to be. Because of her past expierences she is the person you care about...

[blackjack_lover]

hey lonelyguy,

I think that feelings are normal, and no matter how you feel, you aren't an AH. You should not deny how you really feel to her and especially to yourself. Feeling just are, and sometimes they can't be explained.

As for getting sick thinking about her kissing someone before she met you. get over it. These days that's pretty tame. I'd worry if she kissed someone else now. That would be a good reason to get sick ;-)

I think it's best to be honest with her and yourself, and in the long run, better to discuss things when they come up rather than letting them really bug you and then doing something!

If you can accept (you don't need to approve of it) her past, and she yours, then I think it's worth it to continue seeing her.

[Dating Coach]

You are 26. Almost every girl out there has had pst experiences with otehr men by this time, including random making out or one night stands. If you can't take it, then cut this girl some slack and move on. If you are willing to work past this then do it. I know I am painting a black and white picture here, but those are your choices. Staying with her and torturing her for her past choices should not be an option. If you can't deal with it, then end it.

[Lonly_guy]

Yes I realise it is the past! And I am trying to come to turns with it. I also realise that most other women have had done similar things. Its not the act exactly. I understand her having sex with an ex or kissing her ex or ex bf's. Its the fact that she did it for the hell of it in the past. Sure I know I'm a bit of a prude! I came on here to get some advise on how I can get over this - I realise I'm probably been too hard on her and I feel an AH about it but for crying out loud I can't help feeling this way can I???? It also doesn't help that I haven't been myself lately...I think i'm focusing on stuff later more than I would have cause I'm sick....So please give me some constructive ways to get over this....I've already asked her not to talk about that part of her past....what else??

 

Stewart

[Dating Coach]

She's a young women and has been promiscuous. She likes male attention and she likes sex. Is this what worries you or is it a trust thing?

[ratherbesailing]

Stewart -

 

I'm with you, I hate hearing anything about my girlfriend's sexlife before she was with me. I'm not sure this is anything she can help you with and she hasn't done anything wrong so you can't give her a hard time about it. I wouldn't even bring it up with her, what good can come of it?

 

These feelings you have will have less of an effect over time. The longer you are with her, the less you will care about her past. Grin and bear it man, she's a great package even with the past. Try to shift your toughts to whatever you like most about her when these thoughts creap in. You wouldn't want someone who didn't like love making whould you?

[Lonly_guy]

I think its cause I've been very conservative throughout my life and still am. I don't have a problem with her having sex or kissing other guys in her past. That is to be expected. The thing i'm having trouble with is the fact that she did this lots BUT with guys she didn't know. Ie go out clubbing and go home with him. It took me about three or so dates before I kissed her. I know I'm slow but I don't understand kissing or sex with someone you don't know - and just getting a name doesn't count for me. I guess i'm a little old fashioned & probably in the minority here but that's the way i am. I'm not blaming her - after all its the past, and something she can't change. I probably wouldn't even ask her to change the past even if that was a possiblity - because I guess she is where she is based on some of that past. Its something i have to deal with and I'm trying to. I don't think about it all the time. It just bugs me and scares me a little. I don't want to lose her over this and I certainly don't want to let this eat away at me.

 

Anyway I'm trying to look forward and stop look at the past but its just hard sometime - plus being sick this last few weeks hasn't helped either. I think i'm being more paranoid that usual.

[melrich]

I think everyone, no matter how blase they may pretend to be, gets a twings of "How could you have done that?" about some of the things their partners have done in the past.

 

I can't tell you how to get over it except to say that everyone comes with baggage. You should try and compartmentalise your g/f's past, present and future. You've told her it bothers you, respectfully ask taht you guys don't discuss past sexual conquests with each other.

[RayKay]

Honestly, these are details she should not be sharing with you. Of course she should tell you she has had a sexual past (okay, well in her case a daughter is evidence of this but you get what I mean!) and you should both make sure you are tested clean and being careful, but there is a boundary where you don't share the details of who, what, when, where with a new partner they respect and want to build a relationship with. It's a respect thing, for all involved. I think in some way, she has told you maybe not maliciously, but without thinking it through!

 

Of course you are having these feelings, because she has given you basically her entire playbook and the details of it all!

 

I really don't think your problem is that she has a past, you seem fine with that, but it is the details you can re-enact in your mind. Now, she may be very different then she was then, many women and men both mature over time and change their views on these things, but by re-enacting the details, she keeps it alive, and keeps that past as present.

 

Talk to her and tell her that you accept she has a past but you absolutely do not want to hear the details ever again about her previous encounters. And then, just give it time. If you can accept her for her as she is NOW, and realize that she is not like that now, then you have a chance, and this will fade in your memory. However, if you can't accept it and feel it will always be a trust issue - then it is best to let her go so she can find someone whom will, and you can find someone whom either does not have this past...or does not give you the play by play.

[Toolate]

This would say to you. Think about it this way. This girl must care for you a lot in oreder for her to disclose such important information to a man she know's for a fact has know expereince with make love to a women. She is only tell you about her in he hope that you would get closer to her. I would say to you obseve her actions more spend a little more time with her go out with her and see how she acts. but remember to always respect you above all.

[metro_girl]

I'm going to sound mean here. I see this happen a lot. A guy loses his virginity to a woman who has a "past" and all of a sudden, you're madly in love with her. Are you sure? What if you have these feelings for her because she was the first woman you had sex with? I'm just curious why women who are a little on the "fast" side end up with guys who are still virgins in their 20s? And those guys fall in love so fast? A guy with more experience of his own probably wouldn't have fallen so hard and fast and would have asked some questions to see whether or not she's changed or learned from her past. You wrote that she has a small child from a one night stand, and she was still in the habit of going to bars and making out with a total stranger. Does that sound like a woman who has learned a lesson? Plus, you identify yourself as "lonely guy".

[brumatk]

Well I can relate to you lonely guy. I am 21 (I know thats young) but I split with my girlfriend of four years about 8 months ago. Since I've been dating this girl for about seven months and they have completely different sexual histories and I've been having a hard time dealing with it. My Ex was a virgin, I was not but she was and now my new girlfriend I come to slowly discover is same age as me but has slept with something like 20 guys(some not invited). I know its alot. It really grosses me out. I am conservative and since my ex I have had high standards. From what I have noticed she no longer seeks the attention of men and admits it was dumb acting out etc. But I agree with you that it is a lousy thing to think about and I am still not sure if I would ever get over. She says she is falling in love with me but I am afraid that I could never feel that way about someone with a history that makes me wanna hurl. In conclusion I think we need to find some ladies our mothers would approve of even with knowing their pasts.

[RayKay]

I suggest if you feel that way about her past you let her go now, it would be unfair to punish her down the road for a past you already know now to be the case. If you go forward with this relationship, she would probably feel as if you have accepted her, and it would be unfair to later tell her that has a history that "makes you wanna hurl" and that "grosses you out".

 

It sucks, but I think it is better to end it now if you already know you feel this way, and won't be able to get over it, then drag it on and hurt more in the process. Because there WILL be someone out there whom will accept her as she is, and realize her past is her past and not always reflective of the person she is today or has come to be. It also does not mean she does not have "high standards" now, if she admits she made some mistakes. And there will be someone for you whom fits more with your own standards. But that is your choice to make.

 

Either way, be safe, make sure you are both up to date on your STI tests and using protection. That goes for both of you, as you are just as likely to get something from one person, as she may have from 20.

[thinkstoomuch]

Because of a few experiences like the one described here, I definitely subscribe to the "less history, more mystery" motto.

 

There's nothing you can do, pal, but look past it. You've told her it bothers you, you've told her you'd rather not hear about it, and that's all you can do. Now comes the long, hard task of dealing with it. It'll be a long, hard (no pun intended) job. You've just got to appreciate what you have no and realize that what's in her past is in her past.

 

Good luck, man. You've got some sleepless nights ahead of you when it comes to figuring this out, but you'll get over it. I promise.