What the Heck

[Firesong]

So there was a guy a couple weeks ago that i messed around with. Basically i was working and he was working at night. I owed him like 5 bucks and he decided that we should go to seven-eleven so i could buy him a pack of cigs to make up for it. Then after that, he wanted to drive somewhere to talk. Now me.....being stupid, thought he really meant talking, I thought he had some problems that he needed to talk about. I had an experience in high school where I drove with people up to the mountains to see the view and it was just talk. I thought it would be like that.

 

He drove to a dark parking lot. and he started to put his arm around me and to put the moves on. He asked if i wanted to be kissed....cuz it would sexual harassment if I didn't agree. Well, I hadn't touched a guy in 2 years. I hadn't been hit on for a long time and I got out of a rotten situation 2 years ago, so we ended up making out. I ended up with all my clothes off, though we did not have sex. I told him it was a onetime thing and to shut his mouth about it.

 

Then a couple weeks later, we ended up leaving work together, making out at his house. He pressured me to give him head and I did. Making out at the movies, making out in parking lots.

 

I did not have expectations from him. I wanted to be sexual. He was hot physically and I think of him as a disrespectful rude player type. Once I wouldn't go anywhere with him because he expected me to sneak out of the building. I said no, I won't do this. After that we left the building together in public even though he was always looking around.

 

A couple weeks ago, he let me know he wasn't ready for a relationship. I told him, I knew that all along. (I was starting to get bored of him and he seemed stupid and immature, the physical appearance was the only thing I liked). We parted on an emotional high. It felt like a really good ending. I told him I had no expectations from him, that I did have feelings of caring for him. He said that we could be friends and that he doesnt have many female friends. I said, I dont think you have any female friends and he agreed. He said maybe in a year if i graduated school we could be together and that when he lost his job we could hang out and maybe do this (making out, giving head) or go out. Usually we would go out and do something, then get physical. He saw me naked and I saw him naked. We never had sex because I said no.

 

So last night, I realized that I was ashamed of myself. That I got physical with him because I hadn't been with a man for a long time but that it went further than I wanted it to go. I ripped up and deleted his numbers.

 

Today, I get a voicemail from him asking if I want to go out tonight etc. I haven't heard from him in weeks. What do I do?

 

I dont want to make out with him. I dont want to do anything sexual. If we just hang out it's okay. I want to be respected. I dont want him to get angry or mad at me. I think he has some recognition that I am a good person. As close to any respect that he is capable of having for a female. So how do I handle it? Call him and say, hey, thanks I can't be doing this? Or just drop it and hope he doesn't talk about what we did. Never contact or pick up again? I always knew he was a player, I wasn't especially hurt by him or anything. I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. He didn't really bother to hide it either.

 

I feel regretful and ashamed but it was my fault because I wanted to make out with a hot man.

 

Is there ways I can react to him to command his respect? That is all I want from him, respect. I am not interested in anything else. I really recognize now that I don't like the casual sexual stuff. I'm not that kind of girl even though I have made mistakes. And to make sure he doesn't talk about it. (I dont remember him gossiping much).

[DN]

You don't like him and you don't want to have any sort of sex with him any more but you want respect. Is this to somehow 'make up' for the fact that you feel ashamed? If he respects you will that take away the shame?

 

Seems to me you would be better to chalk this one up to experience, learn from it and move on. I doubt that there is anything you can do now to make him respect you as you want anyway.

[Firesong]

I came out of a bad situation. I forgot a lot of this stuff. I have to relearn everything. I am sick of crap. I didn't have respect for myself (wasn't even thinking about it, didn't realize I had no respect for myself). But I realized very quickly that

 

1. I can't be like this

2. I can't do this

3. I need to respect myself

4. This is wrong

5. This feels wrong

6. I want others respect and that is all I want from them, nothing else

 

I don't need to be liked, but I need to be respected.

 

Yes, I did something that ended up making me feel wrong, dirty, ashamed, trashy, disgusting, terrible, depressed, low, remorseful, regretful, gross, violated, horrid, sad, angry, and just wrong. My conscience bothered me the whole time and bothers me still. There are plenty of people who mess around and do crap but I cannot be like this. I cannot be them and following their example has made me feel very sick and bad inside.

 

Nothing he does can take away the shame I carry. But I want respect, I desire respect, and I want to command respect. Respect is a separate issue from the shame I feel.

 

I feel regret and remorse but then, I would not have learned if I had not done this. I learned about who I am and what I want and what I am willing to do. I am not willing to do this. I do not like myself like this. I feel stupid and foolish and rotten. I will not repeat this mistake with anyone.

 

I believe now that I will only be sexually intimate when I am with someone in a long-term exclusive intimate relationship that has developed slowly over time and when I know the man respects, loves and cherishes me. I am redefining my boundaries and testing them but I now know that I definitely will not be like that.

[DN]

I think you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. You didn't hurt anyone, or treat anyone badly. Time to forgive yourself, regain your self-respect and move on. Life is about lessons learned and you seem to have learned this one. Everyone makes mistakes and that is ok, it is only really silly if you repeat them.

[RandomAdvisor]

I believe now that I will only be sexually intimate when I am with someone in a long-term exclusive intimate relationship that has developed slowly over time and when I know the man respects, loves and cherishes me. I am redefining my boundaries and testing them but I now know that I definitely will not be like that.

 

Sounds to me like you have plenty of respect for yourself.

 

It was a moment of weakness. Forgive yourself. If you want to make amends, you can start by not going out with this guy. Now, or ever. He's not good enough for you.

[bemyself]

Hello,

I don't think that hot looking guy will ever respect you. It sounds like he sees all females as sexual toys. If you feel bad about what happened, then it probably would be wise to not see or speak to this guy ever again. Don't be too hard on yourself. People make mistakes. What is done is done. Move on with your life and try to learn from this experience so that you will not repeat it in the future.

[Firesong]

He left another message. He sounds a little annoyed that I didn't return his call. Says we can have dinner or go to a movie. I feel anxious and scared. I want him to go away.

 

Help. I dont want to anymore. No way. No more.

 

I made a mistake. I will not be like this. How do i protect myself? How do i stay safe?

 

What excuses do I give to people like this? I'm busy? I dont have time? I'm focusing on school? I have a boyfriend?

[DN]

He won't go away unless you tell him (or are rude enough to ignore him). Just say that you would rather not see him again as you don't see the relationship heading anywhere.

[Firesong]

It's been at least a month since we stopped talking. Why is he contacting me now? I'm scared.

 

He told me he didn't have feelings for me last time. I want him gone.

[Dating Coach]

Don't go out with him then. You don't have to give him the cold shoulder, just say that you don't want to do that anymore and that you don't want to go out. He's calling you because he thinks that you will get it on like before, that's all.

[RandomAdvisor]

He wants to use you again for a nice makeout/groping session, or even sex if you'll let him. Either tell him you don't want to speak to him again, or continue to ignore him. He'll get the message.

 

You don't have to be scared. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

[bemyself]

Hello,

It would be a good idea to change your phone number(s) and be sure that your new numbers are unlisted and blocked. After doing that, you won't get anymore annoying calls from that guy. A few years later, you may remember all of this, and just laugh about it.