A woman's opinion please about a long lost friendship

[ghow]

I was very close friends with a woman for five years.

During that time we did loads of great stuff together, went out for meals, drinks, concerts, shows, parties, went places together, spent new year's eves together, went to London together for a few days at Christmas to see a west end show and see lights turned on, etc. etc. But... even though we'd spent all that time together, and stayed at each other's places, it was never really anything other than just incredibly good friends.

 

OK, you get the idea, been close friends for five years, have countless good memories, and get on fantastically.

 

Just when things were better than ever she was due to go abroad for a three month training course.

Before heading away we were out for dinner together and I asked her when the two of us were going to stop messing around and get together (in a much nicer way of course). To which she replied that she had been thinking the same thing recently, and she suggested a favourite restaurant to go to when she returned.

 

While she was away we kept in touch through email.

 

She was due back shortly before my birthday, and unknown to her I had spent ages planning a surprise trip to London to recreate the great time we'd both had there before. Now this wasn't any old trip, this had taken a lot of organisation such as booking one of the most exclusive restaurants months in advance, arranging the suite in the hotel that would have the best view, tickets to see cirque du soleil etc. i.e. a lot of effort to make it a special trip, and something I was looking forward to immensely.

 

When she arrived back in town she sent me a mail saying "... Will give you a shout during the week to catch up. Talk to ya soon ..."

But then I didn't hear from her for weeks, until it was so close to the trip that I had to cancel everything (not having a number or address for her, as she moved out of her old place before the trip).

 

After everything was cancelled she sent me a short email apologising for not being in touch, gave me her new phone number and told me to text her.

 

Incredibly disappointed at missing out on the trip, and put out by the impersonal and delayed message I sent a very nasty reply including the line "don't hold your breath waiting for that text message".

 

She sent a reply, apologising again for not being in touch and explaining that she had been busy getting set up with a new job etc.

 

That was the last contact the two of us ever had, and that was four years ago this week.

 

It is important to remember that she never knew about the trip, so couldn't have understood why I would react like that.

It is also worth noting that this was her first mobile phone, so asking someone to text her was probably a novelty and not as impersonal as I took it to be at the time.

 

It didn't take long before I realised what a complete idiot I was to react that way, and to have thrown all that away over missing a few days in London. But between some bad advice at the time and misplaced sense of pride/hurt feelings I didn't get in touch to apologise. Even after four years there is hardly a day that goes by when I don't deeply regret what I said, and wish I could take it back, but I can't.

 

I sent an email almost a year ago to apologise and try to explain, but got no reply, and don't know if the email address was still valid or whether the letter was ever read.

 

So now for the question...

 

If it were you in that situation, what would your reaction be if he were to get in touch with you now?

And what, if any, would you consider to be a suitable way to get in touch?

A phone call out of the blue would be completely inappropriate, but would a Christmas card be too impersonal or would it be a nice gesture?

If he were to send a Christmas card, should he send a small token gift with it? (thinking probably not)

 

I have her mobile phone number from back then but that may or may not not be in use after all this time.

I also know where she went to work, and know that she was there for at least a couple of years but don't know whether she is still there.

So even if I want to make contact it may not be easy.

 

I have been thinking about it a lot but I can't decide what to do, so I would really appreciate your thoughts.

 

Thanks.

[punchy504]

if it were me and the guy and I were that good of friends, I would want the phone call, and an explanation of the rudeness that led to the estrangement. good luck

[Bethany]

It's obviously eating you up as you still think of her. IF you really must tell her what why you were so mean to her last time you were in touch, then I would maybe send her a xmas card with a small note to explain and apologising once again and then I would leave it.

By all means, do what you feel deep inside yourself to be the right thing, the thing that will give you peace of mind but be prepared for the risk of making it worse or disappointment that she DID read that mail and/or she has someone new.

[Skippy]

An old friend use to say this to me....

 

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR... YOU MIGHT JUST GET IT.

 

good luck

[ghow]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I realise that life has moved on, and that she may have read the email I sent last year and not want to get in touch.

I'm not expecting to get things back the way they were, I don't really know what I would expect to happen.

All I really want to get out of this is to be able to stop feeling so bad about it, which may be really selfish but that's how it is.