The ex's reaction

[renaissancewoman101]

In an earlier posting I had talked about going to Fur Fest to meet up with my friend since she invited me to that thing. I had also mentioned that my ex was going to be there with his new gf. My friend, who is also good friends with the ex, she invited me to the thing and when I told her that the ex might be upset about it, she said it was a public event and if she wanted to invite me to it, it was her problem NOT his.

 

I went yesterday and on Friday, the first day of the Fest, my friend had told my ex that I was going to show up on Sat. He said he was ok with it just as long as I didnt start anything with him. My friend told me that I was going there to hang out with her because I wanted to make friends and I wanted her company and she asked me to come. I wasnt planning on confronting the ex.

 

Guess what, the ex ended up confronting my friend on Sat about me being there even though on Friday he told her that he was ok with it. I did nothing to provoke the confrontation. I did not seek him out or hunt for him. My main goal was to hang out with my friend. When I had got to the hotel where the Fest was, I called my friend to tell her that I was there. She had me meet her in the smoking area (because she smokes), when I got there, she told me that she had told my ex I was coming and that he was ok with it just as long as I didnt confront him or follow him around. She then called my ex to let him know I was around. I wasnt there to confront the ex so I didnt care that she let him know I was here. I could see the practicality of it. Actually, I was in a very good mood yesterday. I am planning to move to San Diego, CA and yesterday, I made the first step to do that. I put a deposit down on an apartment in San Diego ($650 deposit and $40 credit check fee), the lease beginning Dec 15th. If I get the apartment I am moving out there. I was proud of myself for actually taking the first step to doing it. I am hoping everything works out. Also, because I was in a good and happy mood, I put on makeup and dressed decently before going to the Fest. I was in a good, friendly and outgoing mood. My friend picked it up and was happy to see that I was outgoing and friendly at the Fest.

 

My friend, her husband and I went out to dinner and we had a great time. My friend then asked me to stay and hang out with her in the smoking area. I stayed, chatted with her, watched her knit, and talked to some of the other people hanging out there. One guy was interested in me and made out with me most of the night. Another guy complemented me that I look cute, esp since I was Asian. Those comments and the guy who was making out with me made me feel good about myself.

 

I had no idea that my ex was lurking around, and since he smokes, he likes to hang out in the smoking section. BUT, there are smoking sections at the Fest and they are right accross from each other. He could have hung out at the other section. Instead, he waited till I got up and went to use the bathroom (this was around 1:30 AM) then he went and confronted my friend (who is also his friend). The ex was also drunk. He went and confronted her and asked her why I was still here and that he wasnt happy I was here and why the hell did I come because I am not into Fur Fest (I went with him to Fur Fest last year and didnt like it, so I told him I wasnt going to go back with him again for the whole weekend). He literally was losing his temper in a drunken fit of rage at her, that I was still there. Not only did my friend hear the tirade, but the other people sitting in the smoking section heard everything and they were able to verify everything she told me. While he was doing this, I came out of the restroom and saw him. He quickly skulked away. I asked my friend what happened and she told me that he came and confronted her about why I was still there and hanging out wtih her and having a good time. He was mad that I was having a good time at Fur Fest since as he says "I am not into these things then why I show up". She was mad at him that he reacted that way since when she talked to him yesterday about me showing up, he was ok with it, and she told him, if he didnt want me to show up, to tell her, and she would call me and tell me not to come and I wouldnt have come. She told him on Friday, that it was ok. I was pissed and I told my friend that if he was that upset about it, I would just go even though it was almost 2 AM. I wasnt out to cause trouble. She told me to stay and have fun because I was having fun. She thinks the ex saw that I was having fun and that a guy was interested in me and making out with me, that my ex wasnt happy about that and wanted to ruin it for me. She tells me it is his fault for being drunk and acting like a drunken child who is throwing a temper tantrum that I am having fun.

 

So things were fine for a while. I was still sitting next to the guy who was interested in me and making out with him. He made me feel good about myself (I wasnt looking for anything like dating) and life was great. My ex had meanwhile gone to the other smoking section that is right accross from ours. Then, my friend's son (who is a good friend of my ex's) went and called her over and had a talk with her. They were talking animately and she seemed pissed. When she came back, she was fuming. She told me that the ex was complaining to her son that I was here and that he wasnt happy I was here and that he was angry. He was throwing a fit. He could also see that I was happy, enjoying myself, and enjoying some attention from a guy. Her son was just trying to keep the ex from losing his temper and confronting me or doing something stupid in his drunken state. I again reiterated that I could go if it would calm the situation down. She said NO, DONT GO. THIS IS HIS DOING. IF HE WANTS TO BE MAD ABOUT YOU BEING HERE

 

I ended staying the night with the guy that was making out with me. We did some sexual things (not the actual sex act), which was ok. It helped to boost my ego that someone CAN be attracted to me.

 

I will see my friend again this weekend for Thanksgiving stuff.

 

Why do you think the ex acted the way he did????? I didnt make the move for a confrontation AT ALL.

[Dregnought]

She thinks the ex saw that I was having fun and that a guy was interested in me and making out with me, that my ex wasnt happy about that and wanted to ruin it for me. She tells me it is his fault for being drunk and acting like a drunken child who is throwing a temper tantrum that I am having fun.

I again reiterated that I could go if it would calm the situation down. She said NO, DONT GO. THIS IS HIS DOING. IF HE WANTS TO BE MAD ABOUT YOU BEING HERE

 

She thinks he may still have feelings for me and now seeing that I am happy w/o him and having fun, is getting under his skin. She explained the whole situation to her son and he sees my side of the story, but he thinks that he also may be mad that I am here because I am invading his territory because Fur Fest is something he enjoys and something he has done for a long time.

It was a public event, meaning that he couldnt do *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* to stop you from going. The fact that he was drunk is not a good thing for him. I think that he may of been showing off, saying "I own this girl, haha, you dont," and now suddenly, he doesnt.

 

As far as I see it, I dont have any respect for him and neither should you, nor care for him the least. Enjoy your new man.

Good Luck.

[ratherbesailing]

I'd have to guess that in his drunken state, he created the idea in his head that you were there to torment him and that you have no right hanging with "his friend".

 

When my wife left she would get ripped at me that the people she considered to be "her friends" rather than "our friends" wanted to do things with me after she left. She'd say stuff like "we only knew them because of me" and telling me "people only do things with you because they feel sorry for you". She'd get mad if I said hello to someone at the grocery store, even if I've known them for years. I think she thought I'd just fade away after she left and she hated it when I didn't.

 

It is a creation in their minds, you can't figure it out because it doesn't make any logical sense. I wouldn't waste your time trying figure him out, you'll have more fun trying to figure out the new guy you met a Fur Fest.

 

It sounds like your ex just lost himself a friend. I've found that most friends end up going to one ex or the other, very few can handle trying to stay close to both.

[renaissancewoman101]

The guy I met at Fur Fest was just a one time thing. I am not interested in him. When I talked about hanging out with my friend, I was talking about the female friend who is mutual friends with the ex.

[Echo]

RW...

 

I think you need to stop worrying WHAT your ex thinks or doesn't think. He sounds like a very immature guy who clearly doesn't want to be bothered with you. You going with your friend to this event was motivated by the fact that your ex was there...because you stated it held NO interest for you. Your ex has made it clear where he stands..and you showing up did not change that.

Sorry if I'm being harsh...but I think the quicker you move on..the better off you'll be. Good luck in Cali...

[Hope75]

I think he was just ticked because you told him last year that you didn't like this festival and would not come back. It's sort of his big thing and having you there probably made him uncomfortable, even more so because you were with his friend's mother, who is now your friend.

 

I believe this is what I warned you about when becoming close to a woman who is to too close to the situation with your ex because of her son.

 

If I were you, I would not have gone to the festival. You said yourself it is not your thing, and where the breakup is still pretty fresh, and you are hanging out with his best friend's mother for support, I just thing you are over stepping yourself a little bit. The ex is a creep and doesn't deserve you, don't get me wrong, but I don't agree with the way you are handling things either.

 

If you knew this was his thing and not your thing and that he would be there, wouldn't the best thing to have done be to thank your friend and politely decline the invitation?

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, I wanted to go and hang out with his close friend's mom. She told me that she had talked to the ex on Friday and told him that I was coming on Sat to hang out with her. She had asked him if it was ok with him since she wanted me to come. My ex told her that it was fine with him just as long as I didnt go to seek him out for some type of confrontation or just follow him around. I DID NEITHER. I showed up at the thing, called the lady, we met up and went out to dinner, and then we came back and I hung out with her in the smoking section where people came to smoke. We hung out and talked with the people hanging out there, while she crocheted. I had a good time and since I was in a good mood I was friendly to people and exuded a confidence that I dont usually feel. One guy was attracted to me and began to make out with me for the greater part of the night, which was great. I had a good time.

 

I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. I KEPT OUT OF THE WAY OF THE EX. I DIDNT EVEN SEE HIM MOST OF THE EVENING, until when I got up around 1:30 AM to go to the bathroom. When I came back to the smoking area, I saw him skulking away from talking to the lady. She was fuming and angry at him. Apparently, he was very drunk, and he had gotten mad at her that I was still there, and that he was mad that I came to the thing because he said I had no interest in those kinds of Fests. He could have expressed those feelings to her yesterday and she would have told me and I would not have come. Instead, yesterday, he told her that it was fine with him that I showed up just as long as I didnt confront him or follow him around. I think he was worried I was going to start something since he has his new gf with him. I dont know.

 

In this instance, as the friend was saying, HE was the one who was acting like the immature child since he was the one who was throwing a fit about this in his drunken state. All I did was come, hang out with her, and have a good time, and I clearly did have a good time. I enjoyed the attentions of the guy making out with me. He did that with me for most of the night.

 

Am I really that much in the wrong????? It is not like I went and confronted him or followed him around? And yes, I didnt care for the Fest last year because I went with him ALL THREE DAYS. I finally realized when I am not attached to anyone (as a gf), I tend to enjoy stuff better and I will open up, talk to people, and be social.

 

Besides, i was happy yesterday because I have taken the first step in moving to San Diego, CA. I put a deposit down on an apartment out there. By the end of this week, I will find out if I get the apartment or not.

[Hope75]

I'm not saying his behaviour was excusable, it wasn't. There isn't a need to behave like a child and cause a big scene.

 

Your friend asked him if he was OK with it and he said yes, but are you saying that you had no idea it might be awkward if you ran into him and he was with his new gf and you still have feelings for him? That the possibility of a scene happening wasn't there?

 

You said yourself in your previous post that this FurFest is not your thing anyway, and you could take it or leave it.

 

If it were me, regardless of what my ex said, I would have declined going. It's not worth the potential hassle. That is his thing, he likes to go, and you really could not have cared less (or at least that's what you said in your previous post when you debated whether or not to go.)

 

As for you not doing anything wrong, I am not accusing you of anything. I am simply saying that when you were down and out, you sought friendship with his best friend's mother, which totally invades on his territory. I just would not have gone there myself. This type of friendship sets you up to create these types of situations like the one you found yourself in this past weekend. Can you not see this?

 

I know you are hurting, and that you want him back, but I think you are just too close to the sitaution by being friends with his best friend's mother.

 

In the past you were also listening to his voicemails among other things. It all just seems a little too controlling and close if you ask me. (and yes, I know that you loaned him your phone and paid the bill, but it doesn't give you the right to listen to his voicemails-- it's an invasion of privacy and is disrespectful. Loaning someone something doesn't give you the right to spy-if he knew you were doing that do you think he would have accepted it? Do you think it's right to loan something out/give a gift and then place stipulations on it?)

[DN]

I think the most significant thing is that you are moving in December to San Diego so all this will become irrelevant in your new life anyway - won't it?

[Echo]

I agree with DN...thanks for making that point

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, the plan is for me to move away in the middle of Dec. I put the deposit on the apartment, but that still might not work out. I will just put it this way. I am afraid to move out to CA and there is a big part of me that is still VERY undecided about everything. I guess, at the end, it will come down to the wire, where I decide if having some friends out here with this lady and stuff like that outweighs moving out to CA and starting a new life over again. Part of me, in my heart, sometimes still holds out hope for getting the ex back or at least developing a friendship with him. I do miss him sometimes, although I think I miss his attention and love more than "him" itself. If I move away, I am really saying to myself "it is over" and that I am scared of too.

 

Too many confused feelings

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope 75, I did know that there was a possibility that I may run into the ex with his new gf. But, when our mutual friend talked to him on Friday, he was ok with me showing up just as long as I didnt seek him out for a confrontation or just as long as I didnt follow him around. She told him that she would make sure that I didnt and I had given my word to her that I would not be chasing him around. I kept to my word. Instead, he was the one who went and decided to confront our mutual friend, in front of other people, in a drunken state about why I was there, and that he was upset with me being there considering that I didnt like Fur Fest at all. HE was the one who said to her yesterday that he was ok with me showing up just as long as I didnt go and confront him or follow him around. If he had told her that he wasnt ok about me showing up, she would have told me not to come. I think he was afraid of his new gf seeing me. Not sure.

 

I have finally realized that when I am in a good mood, feeling confident about myself, I can attract guys. Yesterday, I was in a good mood because I took the first step in moving out to CA, by putting down a deposit on an apartment in San Diego for mid Dec rental. I was feeling good about myself last night and in a good mood and I attracted the attention of some guys.

 

Yes, when I was feeling down and out, I sought the friendship of his close friend's mom (who is also friends with him). I did it because I didnt know where else to turn. You will not understand what it feels like when you get dumped by your bf, and in the span of a month afterwards, your best friend moves away. I dont have a lot of friends around here, and in the span of the two years that my ex and I dated, I hung out with his friends. When I reached out to her (my ex's friend's mom) to be friends, she could have declined the friendship by saying it put her in a precarious situation and I would have understood. She embraced my friendship and has tried to be a good friend to me in a lot of ways (not just only in regards to the ex). I told the ex that I was friends with his close friend's mom, and whether he had any objections to that. He told me he was ok with it since he knew I needed to have friends in my life. If he wasnt ok with it, he could have told me and I would have backed off.

 

As for his voicemails, I have stopped listening to those. I still monitor his phone usage, but that is public knowledge since it comes on my phone bill every month. He still has the phone and I still pay for it. If he was so upset with me and wanted me out of his life, then he should give me the phone back and pay me the $1500 that he still owes me.

[Hope75]

I see alot of you saying that your ex could have said no to you coming to the Fest, and his friend's mom/his friend could have said no to your friendship, and you are right about that. The question I have is, in those situations, could you yourself have said no, and thought that maybe these weren't the best choices for you, instead of relying on the judgement of your ex and your friend?

 

You are right, I have not had my friend move away in the same time as being dumped, but I have lost my boyfriend and been broken hearted, had my dog die a month later, and been forced to move myself a month after that, so I do know about things hitting you all at once and it being very difficult to deal with.

 

I am just thinking here that some of your own choices seem to have set you up for this drama. That independently, you could say that even though your ex said it was fine, that why did you need to go to this Fest? Is there a chance that this type of situation could arise? Is it worth it to deal with that? Where could you have turned instead of his best friend's mom for comfort after the break up? Was there a counselor you could have seen, could you have joined a singles group or tried to meet new friends online? A support group? What about your friends in CA? Called or leaned on them?

 

I'll bet there are some productive things you could do (such as moving to CA as you are planning, for instance) that can dramatically change the outlook on your life and future. I think this move could be a very positive thing for you, and I hope you get the apt.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, yes, I could have said no, but part of me was hoping that if there was a small part of me still in his life (being friends with his friends, etc) that maybe he might come back into my life. I still do love him in some ways and I miss him a lot, although it isnt as intense as about month ago. There are parts of me that still wishes we could work things out.

 

The weird thing about this whole situation is that when he wasnt drunk, which was on Friday, he told our friend that he was ok about me showing up at the Fest and hanging out with her, but on Sat night, when he WAS drunk, he was reacting in an angry, explosive way about why I was there considering that I dont like Fur Fest and all that. I wonder what is more indicative of his true feelings, when he was sober or when he was drunk?

 

As for setting myself up for this drama, yes I somewhat did set myself up. I turned to my ex's friend/mother of close friend, because I didnt think I could turn to anyone else. My best friend who was in the process of moving to CA was engrossed in his own problems with moving away and his bf was causing a lot of tension between me and my best friend. So, there was no way I could turn to my best friend for solace and support. I dont have any other friends out here, really.

 

I hope I get the apartment too. If I get it, then I am moving and soon. I kinda want out of here and a fresh start even though I dont have a job lined up for me out there. My parents are out there and they will help me get on my feet out there, so I am not that worried. They are offering to pay my rent until I get settled out there and find a job, so that is good.

[cristal]

R,

I have followed your posts and from what I have derived from this last post are some definite signs that you are starting to show some trends towards healing. Your desperation seems to be lessening.

 

One bit of advice though, try and cease any kind of contact with the ex. Based upon my own personal experiences, when you are not fully healed and you come in contact with an ex - whether planned or unplanned, it is never a pleasant experience. So before you make any further contact with your ex, it is best to wait until you build up this wonderful feeling of "indifference".

 

Be patient, it will all fall into place.

[renaissancewoman101]

It is hard to feel indifferent about the ex. There are still residual feelings for him. Part of me was thinking about the ex on Sat but I was in a good mood and I exuded that and I also was having a good time enjoying the attentions of other people.

[cristal]

Ren, I understand that you do not feel indifferent about your ex, and at this stage it is understandable. It is something that you have to earn. It is a feeling that comes after a a lot of pain, heartache, sorrow and finally acceptance. It is acknowledging that you have given your all, but they look at you and said, "no thanks". You have no other recourse, (because you have run out of options), except to follow the the path of acceptance and then healing.

 

You have to stay the course.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am trying to move on that is why I am trying to make a move out to CA back to where I grew up. I want out of here because I want a fresh start where I am not reminded by a lot of stuff from my past. I want out. But, on the other hand, I have trouble moving on and letting go.

 

For example, I have outgrown my job. I should actually be looking for a new job with better pay. I have been at my job for 7 years. There is nothing to learn anymore and nowhere to go. But, I have a hard time deciding to leave because I have gotten used to the monotony of the place, the easiness of the job, and the freedom I have. I have also gotten used to the people there. I have trouble letting.

 

Same with the ex, I started to lose my feelings for him in Feb., hung on to him, but pulled away from him, he chased hard. I had trouble spending time with him and pushed him onto his friends. I couldnt stand being around him. But, I didnt want to let him go either. So, I kept him around, but ignored him a lot and treated him badly. Finally, he got the balls, met somebody, and dumped me. NOw, I want him back like he is the last guy on earth. I hate letting go.

 

Maybe that is why I still let him use my cell phone and stay on my plan. Part of me still cares about him and still loves him and doesnt want to let him go. I also want his life to be easier, somewhat and know that I still care.

 

Although, I dont think he thinks I care about him. Apparently, he has been telling people that our breakup was nasty. I dont think it was. I havent stalked him or called him incessantly. I was never into that.

 

I hate the holidays. It makes me miss him more. In the last two years, I appreaciated having a bf because it helped me to have a good holiday season. Now my holidays are crap.

[cristal]

Ren,

It is great that you are moving to CA. I also understand the difficulty in letting go of the familiar. Believe it or not, I am that way too. It even transcends down to home furnishings, personal stuff etc. With regard to personal relationships, I happen to be a very proud person and it is just so HARD for me to grovel for love and friendship. That is where I draw the line in letting go and do my grieving internally. I know that letting go is probably hard for some people, but my motto is "why do I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me?" Guess what, with time, it start to make all of the sense in the world. Having said all that, I believe leaving the job, surroundings and people that you have become so familiar with, is probably the best decision that you have made so far. Try and stop focusing on your ex. Cut his telephone service off pronto! He does not deserve it anymore! He is causing you pain and should not be rewarded for it. Even though you are mired in pain, you have to try look beyond the pain and take a logical look at what has transpired. Ask yourself, does this make any sense? If it does not, then you have to start living your life in a manner that makes sense. That means doing things in a manner that will benefit you. Only then, will you regain control over your life and when you do, the holidays, and even your day-to-day existence will start to improve.