how do you know?

[teacup]

how do you know when ur ready to have sex? or even to do oral sex? or to do anything sexual?

 

how do you know it's okay? and that that person is right for you? how do you consider? what do you think about? how do you draw and define the boundaries?

 

how do you do only as much as you want to do and no more? how do you protect yourself? how do you learn about your limits?

 

how do you know there is feeling and caring and affection there? how do you know there is closeness ? etc.

[ShySoul]

It's hard to describe, but you know. I think if there is any doubt or hesitation in your mind, if you have to ask yourself if you are ready, then you are not ready.

 

Your limits come from you as a person. It comes from your values and the kind of person you want to be. Some people are ok with doing sexual things quickly, others are not. The important thing is to look at yourself. What is it that you want? How far are you willing to go? And how soon? Then keep telling it to yourself. No matter how hot the person is, no matter how turned you are, stick to your guns. If the person really does care, they won't pressure you or do anything you aren't ready for. If you say no, they will take that as a no. If they don't, they aren't worth it.

 

I know its hard. Sometimes you just want to give in, surrender yourself to what you are feeling. But if doing so is going to cause regrets later, it isn't worth it.

[passions1]

teacuphow do you know when ur ready to have sex? or even to do oral sex? or to do anything sexual? that depends on how much you trust that person & how ready you are. there really is not timeline. it may build up over time from making out to oral to intercourse

 

how do you know it's okay? and that that person is right for you? how do you consider? what do you think about? how do you draw and define the boundaries?

you must really know yourself well if you are taking this person seriously & that person as well. you will have to be straightforward in terms of what you want & your expectations are of you & the other person so there isn't confusion

 

how do you do only as much as you want to do and no more? how do you protect yourself? how do you learn about your limits? always use protection, especially condoms if you dont' want to catch an std. birth control pills/patch will only help you from getting pregnant, not with stds

 

how do you know there is feeling and caring and affection there? how do you know there is closeness ? etc. it's through time, depth of conversations, communication/trust by spending quality time with 1 another, knowing e/o's wants/needs/goals in life. whatever relationship, don't take it too seriously initially & have fun taking the time to get to know one another to see how truly compatible you 2 are. good luck

[Beec]

I think it depends on how much they put into the relationship and how you feel. If there is some effort and committment to be there, then I mgiht be ready. But everyone feels that at different times. You need to judge for yourself. How much effort does a guy need to put in so you think he will stick around? How much do you ened to feel comfortable and to trust him?

[BillyJean714]

I would give it at least 3 months before getting sexually involved, both- oral and sex. My 3 months rule is, during the first three months of dating, you can at least evaluate whether or not this person is truly compatible with you or not.

 

It also helps me to see if they are sincere by the subtle things they do. If I can trust them after 3 months is over, then I allow myself to go there. But, within the first 3 months- I keep sexual activities to a minimal, strictly kissing and maybe 2nd base. That's how I see if the person I'm with is with me for me or for sex. And, if they can't wait, then they're not worth it to begin with.

[runner919]

I think that the best time to have sex is when You get married. But that is just my opinion. im also a little young so i guess you could just ignore me.

[BillyJean714]

I think that the best time to have sex is when You get married. But that is just my opinion. im also a little young so i guess you could just ignore me.

I completely agree.

 

Unfortunately, for some people, life didn't always work the way that they planned for it to be. Some of them lose their virginity due to pressure, which is sad. It happens. We can't blame them, right.

 

For some people, once they're not a virgin, they can at least hold back on sex and make sure that their partners are taking them seriously. It's kinda iffy. Once you've experienced what others have experienced, then you know what I'm talking about. Ideally, in a perfect world, I would chose the option of wating until marriage, too!

[ShySoul]

I think that the best time to have sex is when You get married. But that is just my opinion. im also a little young so i guess you could just ignore me.

 

Completely agree. Good to see there are still young people with those kinds of morals.

 

I'm holding out too. But I know that is rare so I don't hold anything against those who do not wait. I just want them to wait until they are absolutely certain, are not pressured into it, and are safe about it.

[annie24]

It's hard to describe, but you know. I think if there is any doubt or hesitation in your mind, if you have to ask yourself if you are ready, then you are not ready.

 

I agree strongly. I think when you're ready, it just feels right. If you have doubts, then STOP. I don't really believe in the "3 month rule." I have heard of it a lot though. What if you've been friends with a person for years, you two realize that you're crazy about each other and then you decide to date. Having sex on the first "official" date may just feel right. Or, if you just met a person over the internet, then yes, do take several months to get to know them.

 

Ultimately, you just have to be true to your emotions, but think with your head and use protection!

[BillyJean714]

I didn't know that the 3 month rule was a popular thing. I made it up for myself, because that's just how I see things, but I guess if other people apply it to their dating experience, then that's cool.

 

Yah- I agree. You just know. Funny thing is, now that I think about it, I remember waaay back, a long time ago, there was this guy who my friends and I would occaionally hang out with, he would always make a move on me, and I'd just shrug it off and act as if nothing happened. We knew each other for about 3 years prior to dating.

 

I see your point Annie. What I learned from that experience is- you can know a person for years, and sex is still what they want. FORTUNATELY, at that time, I was still a virgin, still kept to that 3 month rule and I was right. He wasn't into me for me. He tried going to 2nd base, and I told him, "NO." That was that. It also reminds me of another experience, which is my BIGGEST mistake. I went out with a guy for 3 months. He was older than me. At that time, I was 16, he was 21. He was smooth at his game, and really did me wrong. That's when I made a big booboo and gave my V to the wrong person. Once he got what he wanted, he completely changed. But somehow, we lasted for close to 4 years.

 

Anyway, sometimes, you just don't know. Either way, for me, 3 months is safe enough. If I felt like a person was genuine with me, and I wholeheartedly fell in love with him, I'd still wait at least 3 months- or do it the born-again-virgin style and wait til marriage. The older I'm getting, the more I'm aiming towards waiting until marriage. I hope it's not too unrealistic.

 

I wouldn't just hit the sack with that person just because it felt right. I'd give the relationship more time to progress, because you never know when someone turns 2-faced on you. And, in other cases, some people get married to virgins, just for that. They fall in love with the idea of "marrying a virgin" and bounce, once they pop their cherry.

 

Either way- I think it's a combination of inuition, standing the test of time, and looking at the other person's sincerity through their actions. Utlimately, if a person's into you for you, they will wait, regardless- sex or not. Because if they're THAT deeply head over heals, it's your heart/mind they fall in love with, not just your physique.

[annie24]

Now that I've had more experience, I am starting to see the wisdom of the "3 month rule." Something can "feel right" at the time (early on), but later you get your heart broken when you find they didn't feel as strongly for you. I think waiting 3 months is good because by that time, a person has hopefully shown their true colors!

 

(I know I sound contradictory - what I mean is that I don't believe in the STRICT "3 month rule". There are plenty of exceptions - ie, long-term friends. I've also dated a guy for almost a year and I never had sex with him because it didn't feel right. This was back in high school. So, I don't believe in it in the strictest sense, but it really does have its merits.)

 

But then again, some people just turn on you after years and years, and one day, they're a totally different person! And some people have sex on the first date and fall in love and get married to that person and live happily ever after. So, yeah, you really don't ever know.... *sigh*

 

When in doubt - wait. And if they like you back, they'll wait too

[ShySoul]

Either way- I think it's a combination of inuition, standing the test of time, and looking at the other person's sincerity through their actions. Utlimately, if a person's into you for you, they will wait, regardless- sex or not. Because if they're THAT deeply head over heals, it's your heart/mind they fall in love with, not just your physique.

 

Hey billyjean, every thought of putting a bunch of your ideas and believes together and writing a book? Cause that was perfectly stated. I'll add in some of my ideas to. Hey, why not get a bunch of enotaloners together and go in on it. What do you say?

 

Seriously, I completely agree.

 

It's sad that this conversation even has to be had. So many people devalue what should be such a special and sacred thing, leaving the rest of us to wonder if we can even trust ourselves in that way with someone or if they will turn on us afterwards. That's another reason I'm on the waiting til marriage side of the fence, if you are getting married first then you are pretty much guaranteed that the person really does love you for you and it is right. Of course, then you have the people who rush into marriage, have sex, and find the relationship wasn't very strong to begin with.

 

I don't like the idea of any rule when it comes to relationships, but I like the idea behind the rule. Waiting until it is right, taking time to make sure the person is who he seems to be at first. Something that intimate and emotional is something to be treated with the utmost respect and not ventured into lightly.

[BillyJean714]

Hey billyjean, every thought of putting a bunch of your ideas and believes together and writing a book? Cause that was perfectly stated. I'll add in some of my ideas to. Hey, why not get a bunch of enotaloners together and go in on it. What do you say?

Thanks! I think it's a GREAT idea, ShySoul!

 

Since I'm kinda in a financial rut right now, why about we do this? Maybe a few of us can publish a book together. Buy some lottary tickets and be like the lucky 7 people who won $350 million dollars! Then we'd be set for LIFE! HardyHar Har!! lol

 

I'm kidding! That would be NICE though, wouldn't it?!

[sweetheart230]

You just know. Trust your gut. I've done it both ways. I've jumped into sex wayyyy too early because physically I really wanted it and been hurt really badly. Later, I swore off sex until I had firm committment and it wound up feeling really right one night (with the same person, by the way) and it was the most meaningful encounter I've ever had- and convinced me to wait until those feelings come back for someone else. I think you feel inside when it's right. I don't mean physically. I mean your intuition tells you when there is meaning behind it.

 

As for protecting yourself, you really can't guarantee anything. That's the risk you take when you have sex with someone. You make yourself vulnerable to them. Sometimes it can hurt you, sometimes it can reward you greatly. Sometimes sex is just sex and it does neither. You have to decided what it is that you want and if you're willing to take a risk.

 

And that closeness you feel, I personally think that you just know if its there. You just feel it, you know it, and it feels right. It's a difficult feeling to describe, but it just feels right.

[ShySoul]

Since I'm kinda in a financial rut right now, why about we do this? Maybe a few of us can publish a book together. Buy some lottary tickets and be like the lucky 7 people who won $350 million dollars! Then we'd be set for LIFE! HardyHar Har!! lol

 

I'm kidding! That would be NICE though, wouldn't it?!

 

I'm in! What numbers should we pick? And I'll use some of my winnings to throw a big party for us all. Got a destination in mind?

 

Ok, we now return you to your regularly scheduled post....

[setsuko1981]

How do u know you're ready?, Let's see...

 

You know you're ready if you're ready to pay the price that comes along with having sex. Having sex means you're taaking a risk of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant.

 

FOR GIRLS (Teenagers/STILL in school):

 

REMEMBER: Condoms are not 100% protection/prevention from pregnancy and disease! Condoms may break during intercourse. So,

 

Be ready for "morning sickness". Be ready to be sick and fat for nine months and to be judge by everyone else because you got "knocked up."

 

Be ready to live in a low rent apartment, not buying new clothes or CDs because you haave to buy food and diapers.

 

FOR GUYS (TEENS/STILL in school):

 

IF A GIRL GETS PREGNANT:

 

Be ready to drop out of school, get a job, support your girl and the baby.

[antigravity]

I think sex is a beautiful, natural human expression and should be kept locked away for socially accepted reasons.

 

Have sex when you feel comfortable. Don't worry about what others are going to say or think. This is your life, your body. Enjoy it.

[BillyJean714]

Yah- just remember to use protection, dammit! That's why these horny rabbits with this "free love" kind of mentality who spread diseaes all over the world. Just wait til one of them contracts watery-blister looking, oozing, puss flling-herpes! Then they'd be sorry. I studied about these diseases in my classes, and it's no fun in games when it gets clinical, and people regret being so fricken promiscuous!

 

I'm proud of myself for not having this kind of mentality, and strive to stay pure in my way of thinking- always and forever! NOT because I'm a sheep and saying that promiscuity is frowned upon because it's not the 'norm.' I'm just the type of person who thinks that if 2 complete strangers are going to have sex with each other because it "feels right" (i.e. I'm drunk. I'm depressed. I wanna get laid)- I think that kind of thinking is totally stupid. But, if other people want to do it, then fine. Just remember to slap on a fricken condom, that's all.

 

Think about the numerous babies who get aborted for these reasons. Think about all of these babies found dumped into alley side trash cans just because their parents felt it was so right, but when forced to have a child? What happens? We find trash can babies! Think about the number of kids in foster homes because their druggie parents were trippin on crack cocaine and felt "this beautiful form of human expression JUST felt so right at that time!" On top of that, think about the number of kids with neurological disorders who suffer, just because their parents made poor decisions!

 

I love what you said Setsuko- have sex when you know you are ready to have a child. Very true! So true! I think that people should have the mentality of being safe about sex. They shouldn't be so loose about it, just because they think it's a natural/beautiful form of human expression. Thank god we have organizations like the CDC! I'm such a nerd, I know!

[annie24]

Yah- just remember to use protection, damit! That's why these horny rabbits with this "free love" kind of mentality who spread diseaes all over the world. Just wait til one of them contracts watery-blister looking, oozing, puss flling-herpes!

 

LOL!! ROTFLMAO!!!! I love you billyjean!!!

[annie24]

Thanks Billyjean - I was just eating lunch.

 

Yeah, I'm a microbiologist, and it's because of these fun diseases that I have a job. And don't forget, just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean that they're not carrying a disease. The photo that you showed of the penis is someone who is obviously showing symptoms, but not everyone does. Or, you may have met someone who is carrying the disease, but in the earlier stages, before the full-blown sores come out. Ewwwww......

 

Better to wait and see for yourself the lab results from the STD tests before you get involved.

[antigravity]

I'm sorry but these "scare tactics" really make me angry.

 

I think you can enjoy your sexuality in a mature, safe manner. Enjoying your sexuality doesn't mean having sex with everyone you find mildly attractive.

 

Protection for yourself and your partner is something to take very seriously. Even in a long term relationship I'd be scared not to use some sort of protection or birth control. Just because I would have sex before marriage doesn't make me a monster, a pig, a sleaze or irresponsible.

 

Exploring your sexuality is an exciting and mature thing to do. Locking it up in a cupboard because that's the way you were raised or preached to at Church is childish and immature.

 

Having sex with someone you love is definitely a beautiful thing, but you don't have to be "married" to love someone. At the end of the day, marriage is just a legally binding contract. Nothing more, nothing less. The feelings that make both parties sign this contract exist LONG before the marriage occurs. So why should a perfectly natural, human need/want be held in until a contract is signed?? Doesn't make much sense to me...

[BillyJean714]

Angry? I'm being immature? Sad, because I truly thought that you were a good person last time I helped you in your previous post when you had a problem.

 

Nowhere in my post did I say that "People have to save themselves for marriage in order to have sex." I truly think that if I'm dating someone, and he truly digs me for me, then he would wait even until marriage because sex wouldn't be the number one thing on his mind- us bonding and creating a meanigful relationship is. That's just my newfound conclusion for myself.

 

If it makes you angry, then my apologies. BUT- I still hope that other people DO take what I said seriously- I sincerily mean it from the bottom of my heart. People need to make sexual choices based on logic rather than base it on last minute emotional impulse!

 

I really wish we can eradicate stds/aids, but we can't. Not with this "free love mentality" and babies popping everywhere, while aids spreading like an epidemic in Southeast Asia/Africa (which will eventually travel around the world and become a global issue.) Infectious microbes/viruses are more dangerous than you think. I think have a darn good reason to feel the way I do!

 

If people want to keep their eyes closed and stay ignorant, they won't be so ignorant once they contract a symptom. I stated what I stated, because I truly care whether or not, someone gets heartbroken over the fact that they didn't want to get sexually used. Most of all- I'm tired of seeing how too many people are too loose- and in the end, they end up making babies/spreading diseases. That's fact. It's reality. Face it!

[BillyJean714]

Btw, I posted those images so that people can make smart decisions for themsleves.

 

I'm a student in the health field, and a promotor for healthy living.

 

I truly stand up for what I believe in. It has nothing to do with the church. In fact, I'm not even an active member. Don't make false assumptions when YOU don't even know ME.

[antigravity]

Angry? I'm being immature? Sad, because I truly thought that you were a good person last time I helped you in your previous post when you had a problem.

 

Just because I believe in sex before marriage doesn't make me a bad person. Once again, your naive enough to label me because of something so silly. I think i'm a wonderful person. I'm loving, caring, open minded, down to earth, accepting and intelligent. Sex has nothing to do with any of these qualities.

 

I think making people aware of what can happen with unsafe sex is a great thing, but you need to present it in an unbiased manner. Saying "This is what is going to happen to you if you have sex before marriage" and then showing a picture of genital herpes, is ridiculous, and biased preaching masked as "promoting awareness' is what makes me angry. Show people what can happen, and let them make their own decision! As long as a person is comfortable with what they're doing, no matter where they are in life, it's the right decision. We don't have the right to tell that person otherwise...

 

My philosophy is this (and I don't push this on people): I think sex is a huge part of a successful relationship. How can you marry someone if you don't know whether or not your sexually compatible? I don't understand this. It's like getting married before living together.

 

If you marry someone, and you one or the other isn't satisfied sexually, then this can lead to many other non-sexual related problems.

 

Why would you make your partner wait until marriage before sex? Obviously you would love this person if your willing to marry them, so why wait until a piece of paper is signed? I think this viewpoint is immature. Not you yourself.

 

I believe that if you have feelings for someone enough to have sex with them, then go for it. Just make sure your doing it because you want to, not because your forced to for whatever reason.

 

That's my opinion. Can you explain to me why you would wait until a piece of paper is signed? I think human emotion (love, attraction, lust) is more powerful than some legally binding contract. Can you tell me why you think otherwise?? It's just this part that I don't understand.

[antigravity]

Btw, I posted those images so that people can make smart decisions for themsleves.

 

I'm a student in the health field, and a promotor for healthy living.

 

I truly stand up for what I believe in. It has nothing to do with the church. In fact, I'm not even an active member. Don't make false assumptions when YOU don't even know ME.

 

Ok, my mistake... Did you grow up around christianity or catholicsm? If not, I'm surprised as to where you got this sex only after marriage mentality.

 

I can totally understand having sex with someone you love and trust.. but when marriage gets into it, I have trouble understanding why.