The cat came back....now what?

[coooolsome]

Yeah, the last thing you need is to go running to your ex. You are now single and you need to show her you did not do it for her. Keep your distance. If she sees she still has control, she may start running. Keep your cool, act like you dont care what happens. Good Luck!

[WildChild]

Oh Bounder, I am sorry. I know you had been dreading that conversation, however you do put some additional insight in where you are now whether you realize it or not. OK, here goes my initial thoughts while I was reading your post.

 

Your feelings are obviously there for her because you are sad that she broke up with you

 

Her reaction was out of defense, which is a common reaction. Her mind was probably whirling around as you were talking to her and so as a defense mechanism she put her guard and a wall up so that you would not see if she was hurt or not.

 

I think you should search within your heart and soul...back to the drawing board....if she is someone that you would like to continue to see. If you eliminate your concerns, is she someone that you could see yourself with. If she is, then I would maybe try to reapproach the subject. Don't tell her you didn't mean what you said, but that maybe it came out wrong. Express what you do like about her and you are glad that she can talk to you about her eating issue. Can we compromise? If she can't compromise, then you know you have tried. As you know, compromise is so important in a relationship.

 

Now, as for your ex. Please give yourself time to digest what happened just last night. I really do not "trust" that your ex doesn't have some agenda....and again, I don't mean that harshly. Keep your contact with her if you like, but do not tell her what just transpired last night. Who knows, you and the gal last night could end up talking by today's end and have worked something out. Plus I think it would be a good idea to ride it out a little longer so when you do end up telling her that you are no longer seeing this other gal, you may have a better perspective if her "sudden interest" lately is genuine or more for her benefit to see if you would cave to her....does that make sense?

 

So there you have my initial thoughts. I hope you have a better day today!

[Bounder]

Well, I followed my heart and not my mind last night and ended up talking to my ex. I kept it very casual, just said that i enjoyed talking with her and was in the mood for a chat. It was great, and then she finally asked `so, why did you REALLY call me? Are you okay?`and I said no, not really, and explained what happened with the new girl, and hwo I thought she had misinterpreted me that night but once again got tossed. Part of the reason I brought it up is because she kept saying that we shouldnt be talking because of my new relationshp and it would make things weird, I guess I was just wanting to show that that wasnt an issue.

 

She gave me really good advuce again, about trying to stick it out, and then we went back to ur convesation about books we were readingm stuff we had been doing etc. Finally she just said that she was confused in all this, that talking to me makes her want to see me, and seh worries that seeing me will make her want to be with me....but then she said "But I must have had a reason for breaking up with you...I just cant see it anymore." She said I seem different. I didnt say much, just let her talk, and then we went back to casual chat.

 

Again duringa pause I told her that it was nice to chat, that no it wasnt that hard for me because I was finally starting to distance the woman on the phone from the woman whp hurt me, because I felt that i was changed and so was she, and she thanked me for seeing that. At that point she kind of said "J, I dont want to make things hard for you, because I dont know where this is going. I dont know what the futur eholds for us....but I really like this. can we just say let's see what happens instead of let's wait and see? I dont want you to wait for me, it wouldnt be fair to you." I said that sounded ok, and that i wasnt waiting for her, but that I was certainly having fun talking to her and rediscovering some of the reasons I was attracted to her in the first place. Strange.

 

No word from the girl who broke up with me last night. I sent her an e-mail this morning saying I hope everything was ok and that maybe I hadnt been that clear last night about what I wanted...focusing onstead on what i felt and that it was thus natural that she would get defensive, but that i still really liked her and thought she was wonderful and wanted to work something out, not end it. No reply though.

 

Playing soccer tonight, hope that will clear my mind. Life is crazy, but I love it. I was walking home form my volunteer work today and just felt happy, in spite of everything...I am happy with who I am, and I know that I deserve someone who will see the adventure, curiosity and wonder that I hold for people and life and will WANT to be with it...in the meantime, I am soaking all of this in.

[Bounder]

And thank you Wildchild, coolsome and everyone else for you advice and support!

[WildChild]

Excellent Bounder! You did everything you set out to do, and if you don't mind me saying you read my mind without reading my last post LOL Have fun with soccer tonight, and doesn't it feel grand when you find yourself walking with a spring in your step!!

[WildChild]

PS You're welcome

[Bounder]

Well, tim e for an update...seems like things are happening, and yet nothing has really happened, Strange indeed. I talked with the ex a fair bit this weekend, and I was increasingly getting the impression she wanted to try again, but i didnt offer, that will have to be her call. Last night we talked on the phone and she kept swing back and forth, saying she missed me, realized that I was wonderful , always knew that, and feels like giving it another shot, and then pulling back saying she was becoming happy right now, and maybe staying single would maintain that....but she missed having me in her life. Ugh.

 

I tihnk fo rher she is scared that coming back would mean a ring on the finger right away, at leats in her mind. Coming back, she said, would mean that she could never break up with me again because that wouldnt be fair, and she never wants to hurt me again, and she also admitted that its been hard to do. I told her that there is nothing forcing us to do anything right now, that i would have to rediscover her, rebuild a lot, and work on things, before we got to that stage, and both of us are free to leave. However, I would expect more commitment in terms of expressing her needs and apprehensions instead of droppping a bomb on me again.

 

She suggested taking it slow, maybe seeing each other for bit, but jumping back into our 3 year long relationship. I think that was a good plan.

 

This monring she sent me an e-mail in french and english (we're both bilingual, though she has french as her first language) which I would translate as follows:

 

I just want to be sure... Sometimes I tell myself that if I am not sure, we might not be it, but then I also think that there is no "it" and that continuously looking will make me very unhappy and not appreciate what I have or could've had it the search for an illusion...

I love talking with you, but I'm not ready to jump back into a serious relationship, so lets take things slow. I do want to see where we could go though, I love you. Lets just take it slow...

 

I have no idea what to do with this, or what she means....and is it enough to inspire confidence enough to put my heart out there again. Confusing....I will stick with my yoga and rides and let this happen....any thoughts?

[WildChild]

Haven't even read your new post yet, just happy to see that you didn't fall off the face of the earth......now, i gotta go read what ya just typed LOL

[WildChild]

Whoa, isn't that what you thought you two had agreed on?

[Bounder]

Not sure I follow you WildChild

[WildChild]

Her commenting that she just wants to take it slow

[Bounder]

She just seems to be swinging a lot right now, more than I originally thought, and I really dont want to pressure her into making a decision, but by the same token I dont want to have to ride out these swings unless I feel that I know they will end up with her wanting to try, which is impossible to know right now

[WildChild]

Well at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would be leary right now of what the true intentions are

[Bounder]

Yeah, I know. Sorr, this must be gettinga bit repetitive to read and respond to. Thats life I suppose. Part of me wonders if I am not just better off lsamming the door in her face, making her decision easier for her because i know that it is probably stressing her out, which is not what I wanted...but she has been the one pushing having more contact right now....

[WildChild]

No it's not repetitive to read or respond. I just didn't want to keep throwing it down your throat that I didn't trust her true intentions of her interest in you once she found out you were dating....hate to say it Bounder, but I think that may have been the sudden interest. Not saying she doesn't care etc....but how fun it is to pursue something that isn't yours and then once you get it, the fun of the chase is over and it isn't as appealing

[Bounder]

I dont think thats it, because she has been putting out more and more statements about how much she realizes now that i have to offer, how complete I am and hard to match, even though she knows I am now single and thinking about her....and we talked about the possibility that we may both be using this as an emtional crutch to boost ourselves and we agreed to call each other on any bs.....

[WildChild]

So, what are your thoughts then about her wishy washy? What was your first gut thought?

[Bounder]

That i wish she would make up her mind, because I know that I am worth being with, and that i am willing to work on myself, and what we did wrong...so I guess frustration....but i also understand why she may be a bit reticent right now

[WildChild]

So, if you two are taking things slow does that mean you are free to date others? Obvoiusly taking it slow is probably the best thing right now, but how are you suppose to move on your life freely with or without her if she continues to send text messages like she just did this a.m.

[Bounder]

Well, the ride continues and here I am venting and just letting my thoughts run. This place helps so much.

 

Last Thursday she just showed up at my place, unannounced. I didnt know what to do, so i let her in. We just looked at each other and then she started crying and said she messed up, that she wants to try, and that shes sorry, and that she couldnt go on without being able to at least say she tried. We decided to go for a walk and had a talk and she seems very sincere about working to get me back, to work on things, and I guardedly said okay, I am curious and am not closing the door. We hung out again last night, ended up sleeping together after she made me dinner at her apt. seeing her place was hard, where she had met the other guy, all the wild imaginings I had all summer, but it slowly got better.

 

Then we came back to my place where she stayed the night and we talked until like 4 am. She told me abunch fo stuff that maybe I shouldnt have known, like that the guys she dated while we broke up wasnt that great in bed, and that after he dumped her she slept with four other guys, but that it didnt mean anything, it was just sex. And I felt like saying, well it means somthing to me, because giving myself to you is very special, and apparently its not treated the same. She sensed this and tried to explain that it wasnt the same, that we made love, and that we had chemistry and blah blah, all that warm fuzzy stuff. How come I I had trouble believing it? I still dont understand why she came back, and whether I can trust her anymore, or if she is even the girl i feel in love with three years ago anymore.

 

I ihavent told anyone yet that I am trying with her. Partially embarrassed after all the rants I heard about how much of a b?%$ch she was to me, how going back wouldbe stupid (they said this to egg me on to getting on with my life) and I know I want to try, but there is a part of me that just says I am being dumb and naive. Maybe it is just the sex, I dont know.

 

Gosh, this is all so confusing. I am keeping my things in order though, still cycling, hitting the gym, yoga, meditating, trying not to let life stress me out. Thanks guys.

[WildChild]

Glad to hear you are continuing to focus on your well being

[Bounder]

I guess i am just worried about feeling stupid again if things go wrong. She keeps telling me she is IN this time, that she has made her choice....but why did it take her so long and so much damage created?

[WildChild]

Sometimes as cliche' as it sounds, you don't realize what you have until it's gone. She must have needed to go out on her own only to realize in the end it was you who she wants to be with. Almost like sowing her wild oats.

 

It is always a risk or chance in love, especially when taking another chance going back to someone who has hurt us. With taking it slow this time around like you say you are going to, you may be able to get a better feel if it is genuine. Based on your other posts, you really want to be with her and love her Bounder. Sometimes you just have to take the leap and not look back. Have you two been able to talk or work through the problems that caused havoc before?

[nataliejulie]

For some couples... times like these can actually help a relationship. Almost like, testing the rocky waters.

 

If you don't feel comfortable with getting back together -- then maybe that's a red flag for you not to. You have to think, will you get over this in the long run?

 

Maybe try dating slowly? Move into the relationship slowly? Like treating it like a new one.

[sibling295]

Bounder - I got back together with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago. Well as much as things are awesome again - sometimes the fights still ensue. Like last night at dinner with friends , he said in my ear , i miss how you used to compliment me out of nowhere. I said , well its natural for my guard to still be up since you dumped me. And he reminded me that if we want to be a success , i have to learn to forgive him for that , otherwise it we wont make it.

Basically - we must learn to forgive and learn to love again. Easier said than done , yes, but it sounds like you guys could make it work out.

Go slow with her . It might just be worth it.