I need a different solution...one that I haven't seen posted

[m3chris]

This is my first post....but I have some things to say!!!

 

I came to this forum for some help. I'm not finding hardly anything that helps me. If you have a little bit of time to read this....please do!!

 

A little history.....I work in the comptuer industry, so I'm quite computer savy. I dated my husband (who "never did porn in his life") after 2 years, and had a little boy. 2 months after I had our baby, I found out he had been doing porn all along.

 

I WAS DEVASTATED!!!! Here I thought I married this perfect guy, our marriage was going perfect, and he was looking at other girls. Now remember, it had only been 2 months having our baby, and I couldn't have sex yet....plus I couldn't loose weight due to the fact of breast-feeding, so I was still a little chubby from the pregnancy. If I ever felt lowest about myself, it was then.

 

I confronted my husband, and he denied it saying he accidentally went to one of those websites, that pop up a bunch of porn sites unexpectadly. I believed, him. But because I do alot on computers, it wasn't hard to find out he was still doing it, and to find out he was doing it WAY before we got married too!!

 

Now I'm a pretty horny chick...I will do it just about any time anywhere. I will come home for lunch to do it. I"m good looking too. After the 3 months after we had the baby, I started working out, and went down to my normal weight, and look pretty dang good!!!

 

When confronting him, he offered a divorce. I did what I thought was best and said that I loved him and I wanted to stay with him. But porn hurts me really bad!!! REALLY BAD!!! (I emphasized the really bad part) and he promised to stop

 

(LATER I FOUND OUT HIS OFFER FOR DIVORCE WAS IF I HAD GIVEN HIM AN ULTIMATUM, HE WOULD HAVE CHOSEN PORN OVER ME AND OUR SON)

 

After that we went through him finding better ways to hide it and I would find them and confront him. He would threaten divorce...I would prmoise not to check up on him, he would swear to stop, and hide it better. I would still find it....etc. (I know all the tricks in the book to finding porn....he is more comptuer savy than me and he has ran out of ideas)

 

Eventually I gave in. I got tired of fighting him, and offered to do it with him until he decided to officially stop. I don't like secrets in a relationship. PROMISING he would eventually stop after too long, he accepted.

 

For me it was SO hard because just looking at the interest in his eyes when looking at these girls....hurts!!! He never looks at me with that much interest. And now he looks at girls in public...I see it all the time......but he denies it. And he still does it behind my back. I

 

Just recently he started doing it in front and with me again, and we've been having a lot of sex, but he won't cum unless he is in front of the computer. And he spends EVERY free moment possible finding it. We have made it record time without fighting, however, I am holding in TONZ of hurt feelings every day.

 

I no longer am horny, but am acting like it so that he doesn't know anything is wrong. When something is wrong, he will get mad at me if I don't tell him. If I were to tell him, he would get mad and threaten divorce. I know he loves me, but I don't think he really likes my body. I know he's not cheating on me, but I don't feel secure enough to believe that. Especially since he was willing to give up me and our son for stupid pictures and movies.

 

I've read a lot of postss that say...be supportive and be there for him...show him that you love him.....

DONE IT!! NOTHING!

 

Some people say Porn is not bad and to accept it...

TRIED TO!! NOTHING EXCEPT MORE HURT ON MY END!

 

Some people say men just want to live in a fantasy world....

ALL THE TIME??? What about how it makes others feel?

 

Some people say not to be so insecure

HE WAS WILLING TO LEAVE HIS FAMILY FOR IT!!! HOW CAN I BE SECURE ABOUT THAT??

 

Some people say to talk to him or to someone else....

DOESN'T WORK WITH HIM

WON'T WORK WITH FAMILY/FRIENDS

 

Some people say that its just cause they miss you

THEN WHY HIDE IT IF AGREED TO DO IT TOGETHER

 

Some people might say just stop

STOPPING WILL ONLY START FIGHTS...WHICH WILL OBVIOUSLY LEAD TO DIVORCE...NOT AN OPTION

 

Really, I don't know what to do!!!! I've tried everything....and I don't want divorce

[bzborow1]

Here's the truth on pornography. Whether you like it or not all guys have at one time or another, or even semi-regularly look pornographic material. However that is no justification for excessive use of porn. The only thing I may recommend you do is to try and strike a compromise. Not to cut the porn completely, but to try and limit it to a normal amount. That is to say, not being on the computer looking at it all the time.

 

From your end, you need to understand that a guy looking at porn is not his way of saying he is unsatisfied with anything about you, physical or otherwise. He would watch porn regardless of anything you've done. But the key is to come up with some sort of compromise that you both can come out winning. Telling him to go cold turkey will likely push him more. But showing you're understanding of his need for porn, but also have set some boundaries (boundaries may be things that get in the way of your relationship...is he spending too much time on the comp?)

 

Well that's my two cents.

 

Bill

[Cuu]

Yeah, I'm gonna say what you've already heard. Stop giving him sex all the time! You're making it too easy on him. I'm not trying to say it's your fault the way he is, but people want what they can't have. Deny him sex and see what he does. If he's still looking at porn, let him. He hasn't done anything wrong. His ultimatum was probably because he's frustrated. He should still be able to do what he likes even if he's married. As with his staring problems, we all stare. It's human nature to be attracted to the opposite sex. Unless he acts upon it, he's just a normal guy. i used to be jealous about my ex staring at guys in the mall. but at the same time i'd be staring at the chicks there also. now we both stare at strangers together and joke about it. it was really childish of us to be fighting in the first place.

 

as long as he's faithful to you, that's all that matters. maybe even watch porn with him. and if you really can't get over it then it's up to you to do what you think it's best.

 

i hope i atleast ease your pain a little. if not, sorry. i'm trying to get better at!!

[m3chris]

Thank you for your input, but there are a couple minor problems in this particular situation. I don't mean to put down your advice BZBOROW1, but talking doesn't work with him. He feels that whenver I bring the subject up, I'm looking for a fight, so he immediately gets defensive, and I don't have a choice but to do anything but drop it, or have a huge argument that leads to him threatening to leave us.

 

Not to mention the whole fact that he hasn't done it in a couple weeks!! (I know differently, but can't say so because then he'll know I've been checking up on him and again threaten divorce because I don't trust him)

 

I don't ask him to stop cold turkey, its his own idea and promise. That is why I offered to do it with him in the first place. He wasn't stopping, and I figured, its sorta like a smoker. If you force them to quit, they are only going to find ways to do it behind your back. If its out in the open, then there are no secrets and if he stops, its because he wants to not because I made him.

 

CUU -

the NO sex thing is a new suggestion. That would be going against my alignment, however, I CAN pull it off. The question is though, how to avoid the guilt trips he will put me on? I'm kinda sensitive to stuff like that and cry easily.

 

Also, with the looking at other people, I can understand if his eye turns when a cute chick walks by....however its not appropriate to continueally stare. When we were dating...again this is something that he promised he wouldn't do because it really bothered me. He didn't while we were dating, he only started back up this year.

 

In fact he even did this when he took me out for our anniversary. He stared at this girls breasts that were so nicely bulging out of the top her shirt. A glance or two is understandable and forgivable....but gawking kinda kills the whole mood of a romatic evening.

 

I'm still open for any other suggestions though.....I don't mean to kill any input!!!

[m3chris]

SwingFox...

What kind of insecurities would you be talking about? I talk him up all the time in front of co-workers, and my family, and I don't talk bad about him behind his back. This post isn't meant to be an insult against him, just me looking for help (although I'm sure you aren't saying its my fault).

 

where can I start looking, and what am I looking for?

[bzborow1]

It's unfortunate that he is not allow a process of negotiation to find a common ground to walk on in this situation. Have you considered asking to go to a relationship councillor? I'm assuming he may be the type to get defensive about it...or maybe not. It's really a tricky situation because I don't know the guy, but I really think that a relationship councillor may open the door to negotiating something you both can live with...and possibly enjoy a little bit?

 

Good Luck!

 

Bill

[Babes]

Here is an idea that I just thought of.

 

Why not make nude pics of you for him to look at? make it look like a magizine. Make them digital so they are on your computer. Let him take the pictures make a movie together basically make your own porn. I dont think there is anything wrong with making your own porn if it will make both of you happy. Plus its between the two of you.

 

Or you could take pictures or your face and put it on the girls bodies in a Hustler or Playboy Magizine.

 

I am sorry to hear that porn is runining your relationship. .

[Colls]

Hey, im not sure if this is goin to help, but by the way u say that he threatens to leave you and ur son wen u mention it, then maybe u should take him up on his offer. I mean it seems as if he's using you ( again i dont kno him so i may be wrong ). When he says he's goin to leave u, he knows that u wont accept that and u avoid that. So this gives him the idea that.....I threaten to leave her and she doesnt want that, so hell i'm gunna keep on lookin at porn because im not gettin kicked out, and she cant live without me. If he never looked at grls wen u were dating, but now he does...the same thing comes to my mind, that he knows he can do ANYTHING and u wont leave him. Hun, i think maybe u are giving him to much freedom. He's living like hes a single man. Instead of him threatenign to leave you, maybe you need to tell him you'll leave him and scare his boyish game playing ass too. He's taking advantage of u and ur feelings, also of your son. If he is addicted to porn, do you want your son growing up in that environment, where sex is a big game? Also maybe u should bring it up with ur husband that this is a ba example to set to ur son. Ask him how he would feel if your child wsa watching porn all the time, and looking at these women like meat. I hope i helped. Realize his faults!

[Genesis]

MRS.

 

You should do some research on your on about why some men Love porn so much. I hear that most men are visual creatures, so it steems from there, buy some sexy new clothes make yourself the object of his affection. The words Divorce should never be uttered in your household the two of you made vows to one another and this seems like a lame reason to get divorced. Stop threating each other with divorce. Go to church, maybe he will start to feel guilty about his sinful obsession.

 

I would sit down a write down a list of question that you would want answered about his new found habit. Sit down with him and discuss these issues in a non-confronting way. Tell him the reasons that you do not like the porn. Tell him that you feel that porn negates your marriage. Also, your husband may be a sex addict , so counseling may need to be involved in your situation.

 

Your marriage is at risk when he is lusting after other women all the time. Try to be kind to him and try to make love with out the porn at least 2-3 times a week.

 

Porn is a form of adultery according to the bible, and it could lead to other things such as cheating. I would try to handle this in a calm manner, and work from there. When you lash out at him it only makes you look less attractive to him. Spice up your marriage , and let him see how wonderful lovemaking can be between husband and wife, not husband and hooker, slut porn hoes!!

[m3chris]

Well, I have a new update. Just a couple hours ago, my husband told me that the only reason we have sex so often is because of porn. He doesn't get as turned on by me. How can a wife feel appreciated if she knows that she is #2 to porn?????

 

I don't know......I am ready to try the leaving thing, but inside I really don't want to!!!! I don't know if I have the nerve to follow through. I mean, I could.....I have tons of family around me, and I would have tons of support, but I really love him!! Like ALOT!! But what he said basically just confirms that I will never be sexy enough. Thats like a permanent scar!!!! To know that he will never think that I am as good looking as someone else. What do I do???

 

Is it really bad to want your husband to put you above porn? Or am I asking too much out of him? I don't want to be a nag. I just want to be one of those really cool wives that every guy wishes he had!!!

[Genesis]

NO! You are not asking too much, he is the one with the problem, I mean maybe you guys should go see someone about this issue. He need to stop at least for two weeks. I feel sorry for you, I had the same problem with my boyfriend, but this is your husband! I gave in to the pressures I was not his wife but it hurt me. He told me that I also did not compare to these instant whores on tape. It made me feel really insecure to know that the one person that I loved was not turned on by me b/c he was looking at these woman on tape and comparing me.

 

Well to make a long story short he cheated on me, I guess he felt like he wanted his fantasy girl, in the long run he felt guilty even after our breakup he is slowy tring to get back in my life. I guess now he knows that a persons character and soul is more important than big tits and ass.

 

I feel sorry for your husband b/c he may be about to lose the best thing he has ever had. He is an addict , and you should look into ways to cure his sexual addictions. He is an addict! Work out and look sexy for yourself do not worry about what he thinks, act like you do not care about his habit for a week. Dress really sexy and hot for him make him want you and do not give him anything. When I started to look really hot and sexy for my man and acted like I sis not care about him , he began to pay more attention to me. He may never get rid of his porn but he should know that if he wants to have sex with you he better cut down on the porn, do not tell him the reason for not having sex , just do not give him any.

 

If you have to leave him , but I an sure he may go out to bars and start sleeping with 20 something sluts just to satisfy his lust. Try too work on something give yourself six more months and if you do not come to a conclusion, consider leaving him.

[m3chris]

To be completely honest, porn is just useless....unless liked by both parties. Or unless the guy can't get any action. But in a relationship...I've come to think that it might just be a form of abuse. It makes me feel ugly. My husband has admitted that it turns him on more, which doesn't make me feel sexy in bed any more. I doesn't matter how confident I am, when he is looking at the moniter with SO MUCH interest, its more then he will probably EVER give me. At least in that way. If I wasn't religious, I really might just try the lesbian thing for him...but the thing is...its against my religion!!!! In a sense...I can't!!! I won't ever be good enough.

 

One of the posts say that when they are looking at porn, they are looking at girls that look good, but when they look at their wife/girlfriend/whatever it was.....they were looking at a girl who looked GREAT!! How I wish that is really what all guys did!!!! If my husband thought that about me...I might not have such an issue with it. But the thing is.....I know he doesn't. Otherwise, he would have said somethig to that affect. He wouldn't have said that I was less sexy.

 

Seriously....why is porn (supposedly) such a good thing? Does anyone have proof that it is GOOD????