When will I get through this ???

[TIGRONETTE]

So it's been six months and after a good patch in July, and another one in September to mid October, I've been sinking and falling HARD

 

shouldn't things be starting to lift by now ??

 

ok what doesdn't help, as some of you might know, is that the ex is getting married soon, really soon, to a woman he's been officially going out with for 5 months (we were together over 5 yrs) and refuses to give me even 15 mn of his time to explain

 

at first he said he had no problem seeing me, then backed down twice

 

so i told him to see me out of respect for a mutual friend, as he osviously didn't have a microgram of respect for me

 

he sent me back a really abusive message saying he didn't see why we should meet and that he was pleased the situation was clear

 

he's calling all the shots and I wish there was some way of changing that situation, seems there's no way out though

 

i feel terrible as I've no option here but to try and forget, and please spare me the life goes on you'll meet someone else hang in there don't think about it stuff (it really ISN'T constructive at this stage - everytime anyone says that it feels like I'm beiong pushed that much closer to the edge)

 

i also feel awful as i've got a few friends going through the same kind of thing (no wedding though) and it seems as if their exes are so much more considerate

 

what did I do to deserve this ??

[ravens_folly]

Hi,

 

it takes time to heal. As for me, it was only with my ex for a good 6 months, knowing him for only a year and took me a better part of a year to get over him. And I got zero response from him. He just acted as though I did not exist. We didn't do anything to deserve it, but thats the way they choose to act, so we just have to see it as they are the idiots here and we although we had our faults, will see them and correct them and then who'll be sorry?

 

You will get better it takes time. It may take a lot of time. The idea is to do things that keep your mind off it and put you in a direction where you are happy with yourself and your situation and can find someone else or something else that makes you happy.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

(((hugs))) I think we have our good patches and bad patches, pretty normal because you are still recovering from all this.

 

ok what doesdn't help, as some of you might know, is that the ex is getting married soon, really soon, to a woman he's been officially going out with for 5 months (we were together over 5 yrs) and refuses to give me even 15 mn of his time to explain

 

Unfortunately, this guy was not for you. After 5 years, it should be loud and clear whether you guys should be married. Sometimes you know right away when you want to marry someone. I hae a friend who dated this guy for 6 years, didn't marry. But she started dating anothr guy and he proposed 6 months later and been happily married for 5 years. Everything happens for a reason, I know you don't want to hear it now but there is someone out there for you. You don't need an explaination, I doubt with your current situation with this guy, it would not make one bit a difference, it fact, it may make you feel worse.

 

 

at first he said he had no problem seeing me, then backed down twice

 

 

I am not sure why you want to see him. It is because you want closure? Maybe he didn't think it was a good idea because he is getting married. What do you think?

 

 

so i told him to see me out of respect for a mutual friend, as he osviously didn't have a microgram of respect for me

 

Well, that's going to make him feel trapped and he is not going to oblige to your wishes. He can't respect you if you are letting him call all the shots. This ties in with your next statement....

 

he's calling all the shots and I wish there was some way of changing that situation, seems there's no way out though

 

There is no way to change the situation with him. He has made his point clear and in his mind, he has made it clear. There is a way out, leave him alone and try to get on with you life. You can call the shots, with YOUR life. Take charge. Not with him, but with you. Try to get out, work out, re-discover your hobbies, go out with the girls, have a good cry with them. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or something of the like. Start putting yourself FIRST!

 

 

feel terrible as I've no option here but to try and forget, and please spare me the life goes on you'll meet someone else hang in there don't think about it stuff (it really ISN'T constructive at this stage - everytime anyone says that it feels like I'm beiong pushed that much closer to the edge)

 

I am not going to say that because you are not in that stage of grief yet, you are in the depressive stage, questioning what you did wrong, why me, and what can I do to change it, and wanting answers. All I can say is your are not alone in this, there are plenty of people who can relate to your story (yours truly for example) and it can be a powerful thing to know you are not alone in your feelings.

 

also feel awful as i've got a few friends going through the same kind of thing (no wedding though) and it seems as if their exes are so much more considerate

 

Even though their ex's seem more considerate, they are still going through pain and grief. I am sure they can relate to you to some degree. And everyone is different, I have friends whose ex's were an absolute nightmare and some that weren't.

 

 

what did I do to deserve this ??

 

 

Nothing, nothing at all. But you can try to put good things in front of you and try to learn from this. Through situations like this, you can gain strength and wisdom. But for now, allow yourself to experience all those emotions, it helps the grieving and healing process. I truly hope you feel better soon and let me know you are doing.

 

 

 

 

 

[TIGRONETTE]

i already feel a bit better, as you know, these things come and go

 

as for the wedding, I never really cared about getting married and refused to discuss having kids when he brought it up a few times (which might explain some stuff) but it hurts just the same

[kellbell]

You may feel differently about marriage and children when you are with the RIGHT person. Perhaps you ambivilence to these matters were due to your gut screaming at you that this is NOT the person whom you want to marry and have children with. But you are right, nonetheless, it hurts. (((hugs)))

[RayKay]

So it's been six months and after a good patch in July, and another one in September to mid October, I've been sinking and falling HARD

 

shouldn't things be starting to lift by now ??

 

It takes a different amount of time for everyone - there is no "schedule" as to when you are healed. It depends on you as a person, on the depth of feelings, on the relationship, on your response to moving on, your actions and so forth and how you deal with problems. Some seem to move on faster, though you never know what is going on in their head or what will happen down the road, some move on faster as the feelings were different, or their coping skills are different.

 

ok what doesdn't help, as some of you might know, is that the ex is getting married soon, really soon, to a woman he's been officially going out with for 5 months (we were together over 5 yrs) and refuses to give me even 15 mn of his time to explain

 

That hurts I am sure, but as was said by kellbell, just means you two were really not right for one another. I think when you want to marry someone, you know, and it does not take five years to KNOW that. Now, it is possible for some reason you need to wait a while, but generally, when you know, you know.

 

Whom knows if him and her will work out, maybe yes, maybe no. That will depend on them. Sounds like he rushed it pretty fast if he started dating her so soon after, but that does not necessarily mean they won't work out...it's best to assume they will really.

 

at first he said he had no problem seeing me, then backed down twice

 

so i told him to see me out of respect for a mutual friend, as he osviously didn't have a microgram of respect for me

 

he sent me back a really abusive message saying he didn't see why we should meet and that he was pleased the situation was clear

 

Well, I know it hurts, but honestly he does not HAVE to talk to you if he chooses not to. Sure you may need an "explanation" but do you really believe you will hear the right one? Do you really feel that will be what helps you move on? Closure comes in time, and from within. Rare that closure is given by our ex...they can give us all the reasons they want, but it is only when we accept them, or accept the process and the end, that we have closure.

 

he's calling all the shots and I wish there was some way of changing that situation, seems there's no way out though

 

He's calling the shots because you are giving him the power to do so. If you stop letting him know you "need" something from him, he can't control the shots.

 

i feel terrible as I've no option here but to try and forget, and please spare me the life goes on you'll meet someone else hang in there don't think about it stuff (it really ISN'T constructive at this stage - everytime anyone says that it feels like I'm beiong pushed that much closer to the edge)

 

Well, you might not want to hear it, but it's true. Time heals. And you move on, and eventually the feelings diminish, and new feelings appear. Time gives you perspective, and healing.

 

i also feel awful as i've got a few friends going through the same kind of thing (no wedding though) and it seems as if their exes are so much more considerate

 

Every couple is different, every person is different. Their reasons for ending things may not be the same, the people involved are not the same.

 

what did I do to deserve this ??

 

Well, depends on reasons for it ending, there are always some things we may have improved on, but generally it just means you two were not right for one another, and things ended. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you (though you should still perform a relationship autopsy so to speak to learn from) but just that you two were not right for one another.