Help, do I pursue my soulmate?

[Far_and_away]

Ok I will begin with this is going to be very long, but i'lll try to cut it down!

I just turned 30, so let's go back 12 years. I am 18 and I meet Julie, we have this instant spark, our relationship is great. We end up moving in together and stay together for about 2 1/2 years. At about 20 she wants to get married, Iam very frightened, also not sure if i want to be in a relationship. So i break up with her, on Christmas day! Now she pursues me for about 6 months, we end up having sex now and then, thats about it. Then about 3 more months go by and I meet the biggest mistake of my life Cathy. Now iam 22 and I see Julie again, the passion is there, everything is good, but she doesn;t want to be the 2nd girl to Cathy, I decide not to leave Cathy (huge mistake) and me and Julie fade away. Now fast forward about 3 months, i hear Julie is getting married, i call her out of the blue at her parents and tell her iam happy for her, even though it really bothers me. Now ahead another year . A mutal friend of ours attended the wedding, said julie was talking about me at her wedding!!! Said i screwed everything up!! She ends up moving far away, I never hear or see her. Now before we go ahead 7 years i have to let you in on everything. as time passed I would think about Julie all the time, I would watch movies that we did together, wonder how she was doing, wonder if she was watching a certain movie and thinking of me as i was of her!eventually i came to realzie I was in love with her. I can;t recall more than 1 day going by in the last 7 or 8 years I have not thought about her. About 4 years ago I would have this feeling inside that me and her were not finished. It played on my mind alot! I woulod scour the net trying to find her, i tried everything. Then about a year ago I finally find her email address, turns out she moved not too far from me again 3 hours, and is divorced. we talk a little via email nothing really, but i am thinking that i cant get her out of my mind and havent been able to at all. But we kind of fade away again as her emails are kind of distant and informal. So a few weeks ago i email her again, and feelings come rushing back! I talk to a few friends and even though i have a g/f they all tell me Julie is the one for me!So iam wondering why they never told me? None of thier business they said. I came to find out that almost everyone who knew us thought this, that we had this connection... So i decide to go see her, not knowing really how i would find her. I talk to the mutal friend of ours and he isn;t really sure byt gives me an idea of a bar she works at when she is not teaching highschool (as it is summer). So i grab a friend of mine Marty,who knew her well also and away we go. Now what i havent told you is everything about our relationship was almost movie like, always perfect as if meant to be. I obvioulsy left out much. I've also left out that iam a dog, yes a DOG, i haev bedded and hurt more women than i will ever in my life admit to. So we get to her city and go to where the friend told us she may be, but there is no bar there, but there are many in the vicinity. We walk up the street and are standing on the sidewalk, in front of a pub, looking through the window i see the back of a girl serving people, joking i say to marty, maybe thats her, he laughs and says well iam hungry lets go in and eat. So we get in, we sit, i go to the washroom, as iam coming back iam thinking would not it be weird if she worked here, well guess who is sitting at the table with my friend? the waitress i saw in the window, and yes it was Julie! she jumps up and hugs me very hard and long. She still has to work, tells us to hang around until she is done, we both can tell each other are frightend, nervous and probably a million other things. She stops to talk now and then, we talk a little but not about anything really. She gets off and we go out, mind you iam a little drunk, and i dont drink. So we go to a cafe/bar and we talk a little. I get some air now and then, I come back one time and my friend leaves she asks me why i left her years ago, i tell her lets go outside. we are sitting alone and she begins to tell me that she has never stopped loving me, her marriage ended in divorce because it never had a chance, because of me, she kept the promise ring i gave to her 11 years ago, she told me she felt we were basically married, that we could haev worked throught anything, she cried on my lap and told me again she loved me. cant even recall everything because it hit me like a wall, she said she has never been in tune with anyone as with me, and it goes on like this. We leave to drive her home and while parked in front she tells me she has a b/f and he is staying with her, she keeps kissing me and tells me she doesnt care about him now that iam here, she tells me we will talk and she is going back to her home town(parents) and wants to see me. I email her the next day, then two days go by and i get an email from her on my b-day, very distant email, i email back and ask what hapenend? why is she being like this? As i prior emailed her letting her know all my feelings. She emails me back first saying she was drunk , and does not recall what she said? A LIE! Then in another email she says i killed her 7 years ago, she doesnt trust ive changed ( i have) she is settled, happy, has friends there, and last says she does love her b/f. I emailed her back telling her she doesnt have to change anything about her life, lets go out as friends see what happens, and sent some flowers to her work,ive not heard from her yet, its been a few days. My question amongst 1000 of them is, regardless of what she writes should i go see her again? should i fight for her no matter what she says?Is it wrong to go back to the bar and see her? What do i do?? obvioulsy there is more to this, and things were left out, but this is the core of the story....help..i cant eat, sleep, work out, i started smoking again, I AM LOST AND IN LOVE!

[Colls]

Hey, im sry to hear all that. But I deff think u should go back and see her. There is no other choice. I mean u dont kno if her b/f was sitting there wen she was writing the email. Go back and see her, and figure everything out. The more she sees you in person the more of a chance u have. Face to face is the best option. Dont go drunk this time tho. U kno she most likely meant what she said to you that day u went to see her. It seems liek fate that u ended up in her bar. Man, u gotta get her back.

[pcardoso]

Hi

 

It's difficult to say what's going on her mind, but i would say she is afraid of being hurt again. So, of course both of you need to talk again and clarify things (and your feelings) but you also have to show her you've changed; and not by words but by actions.

 

Good luck

[sayer7]

I think you should definitely find some time to see her again and talk about things- see where she is in life, what she's been doing the last few years, what happen to the hubby, etcetc ... but not at her work place and not under the assumption that she will fall head-over-heels in love with you again. Be her friend for now...find out the kind of person she's become after experiencing divorce and all the other things that happened in her life. I can almost guarantee she's not who she was when you dated her... and neither are you. People change in time(attitudes, morals, values, ethics) as we experience new things in life... sometimes we change for the better, sometimes for the worse. Everyone accumulates baggage and scars. And this kind of accumulated pain and baggage may influence any chance of a new relationship with her.

 

Get to know her again as an old friend (not an ex-lover, not as an ex-bf- as a FRIEND). Definitely go back and see her, make a date or go out for coffee just the two of you and see how things are now in each others lives... then figure out from there what is right for each other- if you should go ahead and try a new relationship or just be friends.

 

Good luck!

[Far_and_away]

thanks for your replies, keep them coming.

[kdreger]

I agree with Sayer7.

 

It doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how she feels.

 

Take it slow. Don't have expectations. Just visit her once and awhile. Not too often but be around. After awhile she'll see you're just coming by to spend time with her as a friend she'll let her guard down. She'll start to share herself with you and the trust will build.

 

You two got too intense too fast after being away from each other a long time. You have to take it slow or it'll crash and burn. Rebuild the trust and the comfort. If love can last 7 years, it can last awhile longer while you both figure each other out.