Very Long!!!-Need some help with my boyfriend

[Smarie]

Ok,....My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and like any other couple, we have our differences. Lately though it seems as if we have been fighting alot more than normal, and I have posted about those fights previously but I just cant take it anymore. I really do not like fighting with him and its not that I even want to break up with him. I just want to figure out a way for us to have a *debate* with out both of us screaming at the top of our lungs. Whenever we do fight, we have a select group of things that we fight about....

 

 

The ex-girlfriend/other woman

Previously posted about her before, they have a son together which it seems she could care less about him most of the time. Because of their child, they have this *friendship* still which constantly enables her to call and email and stop over and hang out whenever she sees it fit. He sees no problem with this as they have to have a kid together so I have no say in what goes on.

More recently, he has been talking to his friends wife online all day while I am at work, and her husband is at work. I told him I dont care if they talk at first. Its not like I think that he is going to leave me for her. But now, it seems a bit wrong to me because my boyfriend and this woman are sneaking behind her husbands back and talking without her husband knowing. I think this is kind of wrong especially since my boyfriend is his friend. She writes to him about how she wants a divorce and to send us links to the sex toys that she just bought, things that you wouldnt really write to somebody that you only met once for 5 minutes. She knows that I am here and even writes to me sometimes too. I told my boyfriend that since her husband has cheated on her before, she is going to try to do the same with you, I dont think he really believed me. He is starting to see that I am uncomfortable with this and still has done nohing to stop it.

 

The Son

I am the kind of person that will probably never have kids. I dont really care for them too much and they really annoy me. When I first started dating my boyfriend I found out he had a baby and I thought I could deal with it. At first it was no sweat. He was the cutest little thing and I instantly fell in love with him. He was almost 2 then, now hes almost 4 and hes a totally different kid. Hes very mouthy and bosses me around and tells me what to do. He plays vidoe games like Driver 3 and Grand Theft Auto~ games that have the *over 18* label on them. He still drinks a bottle and frequently will not eat dinner and will get a bottle instead. My boyfriend and I do not live together and I have to leave his house at 11 every night, and when I leave at 11 his son is still awake. The majority of the time, after my boyfriend gets home from dropping me off at my house, his son is still awake almost an hour later. My boyfriend says that since I dont have any kids and hes not my child I have no say in what goes on and I dont know what I am talking about because I have never raised a child before. But its ok for me to get him his dinner if my boyfriend is on the phone or playing a video game. And its ok for me to watch him while he runs to a friends house or to the store. But I have no say in what he does or the things he says to me.

 

The Job

My boyfriend doesnt have a job, but he is self employed. Which means, hes broke for the majority of the time. He fixes computers and knows so much about them, but he cant land a 9 to 5 job like every body else. He will get a random phone call once in a while from a client to go fix their computer. Which I will admit is better than nothing, but one can not live off $35 a month. As I said we do not live togther...still....and I keep telling him that I need to get my own place and I wont do that until he has a job. I dont want to go out and get an apartment then have to move right back out again because I cant afford it for the 3 of us. I keep telling him that any job would be ggod right now because at least he would be making some money. He says he doesnt want to do that because he doesnt want to make $6 an hour if he can go out and make $50 and hour, and even more. .....But if youre not making any money at all, wouldnt $6 be better than that? I dont understand. Then he has to *borrow* money from me, which I will have to fight about getting paid back for it later, and he will end up not paying me back. I do get paid back here and there after a fight with him. Sometimes he will hand it over, sometimes it is a fight. Because Im always *changing the amount*. But he already owes me more than I will ever get paid back for in the first place. But if I dont give him the money in the first place, he wont give me a ride to work and he wont bring me to the store and I cant use his computer and I cant eat his food, etc. etc.

 

The Money

As previously stated, I am the worker, he deffinitely isnt. So he is constantly borrowing money from me. Then when he does get some amount of money in from a job, he yells at me because I want to get paid back. He owes money to everyone else to and it seems like I am the one that comes last to get paid back. Without going into much detail, my boyfriend has a *problem.* He ends up owing these people money for his problem and I am on the end of the totem pole.

 

The Family

Our families tend to get in our relationship a lot. I live with my grandmoth

er and she is rather psycho. I know alot of kids will say their parents are psycho, but my grandmother seriously should be admitted to a home of some sort because she definitely shouldnt be out and about by her self. She does some crazy things, and because of this, Im dying to get out of my house. My boyfriend lives with his mom and grandfather and they sometimes but into our relationship too. But for the most part, its just my crazy grandmother. So whenever my boyfriend and I fight or anything, she always has to have her nose right in my business, with her ear pressed against the bathroom door listening to my phone

conversations. I say bathroom because she took the door off my bedroom and threw it away because she didnt want me to have any parties in my room. Oooook Do you see why I want to move out yet?

 

The Car](*,)

I do not drive, but my boyfriend does. He doesnt have a car though so he uses his mothers. He will pick me up at my house and drive me to work in the morning, and pick me up after work and drive me home so I can change my clothes, then we go to his house for the rest of the night. Everyday its the same thing over and over again. Because of this, I am the one who has to pay for the gas in that car. Which, I dont mind, because I do use the gas to get to work and the store etc. But how come he never has to pay for any gas? My house, his house, my work and the store are all within 1 mile of each other. And Im spending about $25.00 a week on gas. I know gas prices have gone up, but in our car that equals about 200 miles. There is no way that I am using all that gas. So, when I ask him to pay for some gas when he gets some money, its a big hassle. The money thing also comes into play here because he tells me that he deserves my money because he wakes up everyday and brings me to work, even though Im already paying for the gas. And everything else is to my expense too. The cigarettes he smokes, I have to buy. He says that he deserves it because I use his computer and I eat dinner everynight at his house(which isnt all that wonderful might I add), but I will cook dinner too.....And when I cook, I go all out!! So its kinda a one hand washes the other thing.

 

Now as your reading through this I dont want you to think that we have a bad relationship because really we dont and I love him to death. I just feel most of the time like if he didnt have a kid already and if he had a job things would be so much better. Im still trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with a man that already has a family started, and Im not one to really get along with females, so every time she comes over we end up in a big fight after she leaves. I just want to know how Im supposed to deal with his kid? He drives me crazy sometimes!! What am I supposed to do about my boyfriend? How do I get him to respect me? We fight all the time about these things but nothing ever gets accomplished with our fight. We just end up making up later in the day and blowing it off. I feel like hes got me wrapped around his pinky and hes just using me and Im really sick of it, but on the other hand, I know he really loves me.....Im so confused. Anyone with any insight would be much appreciated!!! Thanks alot!!!

[RandomAdvisor]

You're relationship with this guy sounds like a bad marriage. Where to begin...ah! How 'bout the beginning?

 

The ex-girlfriend/other woman

Previously posted about her before, they have a son together which it seems she could care less about him most of the time. Because of their child, they have this *friendship* still which constantly enables her to call and email and stop over and hang out whenever she sees it fit. He sees no problem with this as they have to have a kid together so I have no say in what goes on.

 

This I see no problem with. She is the mother of his child after all. I can understand you feeling a bit uncomfortable with her around, but you don't mention anything inappropriate going on between them, so I'm assuming there is none. On this issue I think you have to just learn to live with it.

 

More recently, he has been talking to his friends wife online all day while I am at work, and her husband is at work. I told him I dont care if they talk at first. Its not like I think that he is going to leave me for her. But now, it seems a bit wrong to me because my boyfriend and this woman are sneaking behind her husbands back and talking without her husband knowing.

 

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with them talking. Telling your spouse or partner about everything you talk about with everyone isn't a must. Nothing necessarily wrong with that....

 

 

I think this is kind of wrong especially since my boyfriend is his friend. She writes to him about how she wants a divorce and to send him link to the sex toys that she just bought, things that you wouldnt really write to somebody that you only met once for 5 minutes.

 

Danger danger danger! Major red flag! Sounds like this woman is interested in your man, and he seems to not mind in the least. I find it very hard to believe he can be completely oblivious to this, and the fact that he is unwilling to stop it after you've expressed your concerns reveals his lack of respect for you.

 

The Son

 

As far as his child is concerned, I don't think there's really much you can do. He isn't your child. I'm glad you don't want to have children, because if you had any with this guy there would be serious problems. However, I think the way that your BF is raising his son reveals quite a lot about his character, or lack thereof. He comes accross as simply a boy who had a child, and not a man raising one. He really should be taking more responsibility for raising his son, but in the end he is right - you can't make him change his parenting.

 

 

The Job

But if youre not making any money at all, wouldnt $6 be better than that? I dont understand.

I understand perfectly. Your boyfriend sounds like a lazy freeloader. As long as his mom and you - his second mom - take care of him, I'm sure he's perfectly content to sit at home on his @$$ and talk with married women about their shiny new vibrators.

 

Then he has to *borrow* money from me, which I will have to fight about getting paid back for it later, and he will end up not paying me back. But if I dont give him the money in the first place, he wont give me a ride to work and he wont bring me to the store and I cant use his computer and I cant eat his food, etc. etc.

 

Nothing previously mentioned makes your BF come accross as a saint, but this is the part that really ticked me off. He's not borrowing money from you. He's taking it. Borrowing money implies returning it at a later date. Instead, he is pretty much demanding that you give him the money, and useing blackmail to prevent you from getting it back.

 

The Money

As previously stated, I am the worker, he deffinitely isnt. So he is constantly borrowing money from me. Then when he does get some amount of money in from a job, he yells at me because I want to get paid back. He owes money to everyone else to and it seems like I am the one that comes last to get paid back.

 

Of course you are! Wanna know why? Because he can get away with it with you. He can blackmail you. He doesn't have that leverage with everyone else.

 

 

Without going into much detail, my boyfriend has a *problem.* He ends up owing these people money for his problem and I am on the end of the totem pole.

 

Drugs? Gambling? Expensive fabrige eggs? Whatever it is, I wasn't surprised to hear you say this about him. Your BF is sounding more and more like someone - many someones - I may have met growing up. Living in a not so good neighborhood in the Bronx, that's not a good thing.

 

The Family

Oooook Do you see why I want to move out yet?

 

Yup. But this is another thing where I think you have to grin and bear it.

 

The Car](*,)

 

This is another thing that I'm not sure is so bad. As you say, he does drive you to around with it. Depending on how much driving he does in the car for himself, you paying for the gasoline money may well be the right thing to do. BUT, what I dont like is the fact that he's mentioning other things and saying those justify you paying for the gas money. In relationships that's usually the way things work. You do things for one another, and in the end things usually balance out. But when you have one person keeping track of things they've done, and using them as barter - or blackmail - pieces, it comes accross as very shallow to me.

 

It gives me the impression that if he wasn't getting material things out of you, he wouldn't be willing to drive you around. If he really didn't have the money, that's one thing. It would be a simple matter for him to say "I'm sorry, I don't have the money. If I did I'd love to help pay for the gas. Besides, most of the driving is for you anyway." And he'd be perfectly right in saying it. Instead, he says "Oh yeah? But what about X, Y, and Z that I did for you?? You owe it to me!" I can just picture his thought process as he does nice things for you and other people in his life. Instead of doing it out of the goodness of his heart and expecting nothing in return, he's keeping tabs of it all in his head thinking "She better do something in return for me."

 

Now as your reading through this I dont want you to think that we have a bad relationship because really we dont and I love him to death.

 

You know, I was afraid you were going to say that.

 

I just want to know how Im supposed to deal with his kid?

 

Which kid? Your BF, or his son?

 

What am I supposed to do about my boyfriend?

 

Oh, at this point I have a sneaking suspicion you know what I'm going to say. But if you don't, I'll keep you in suspense for a few lines more.

How do I get him to respect me?

 

Honey, if he doesn't respect you after two years, do you think he ever will? There are two things at issue here. Respect, and being respectful. There are times when someone really does have respect for someone else, but they can be inconsiderate and not as respectful as they should be. I get the impression your BF is neither of you really. Very little respect, and not at all respectful. And even if he does respect you, it's a moot point when he can't act respectful because of all his selfishness.

 

 

I feel like hes got me wrapped around his pinky and hes just using me and Im really sick of it

 

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! We have a new contestant on "Sum up my relationship in half a sentence!"

 

, but on the other hand, I know he really loves me.....Im so confused. Anyone with any insight would be much appreciated!!! Thanks alot!!!

 

I've never really associated love with glaring selfishness, inconsideration, and lack of respect before. But you know what? That's just me. I've always been silly like that.

 

Your boyfriend has a LOT of growing up to do, and I don't know if he's ever going to do it. He sounds a lot like my older brother. The money borrowing especially. My older brother would "borrow" money from my mom, and promise - promise I tell you! - to pay her back. And he would pay her back. Really! But then he would have to borrow an identical - or larger - sum of money later on that very next day. So it would be, "Here mom, here's that $100 I borrowed from you last week." And later on that next day, it would be "Hey mom, can I borrow $120 from you?" And it would always be for something soooo important. Like to support his drug habit. My younger brother is similar, and in a way worse. He likes to borrow money from my mom too. But it's not for little stuff. He has to borrow large sums of money. At this moment in time, he probably owes my mother in excess of $5,000. That's not counting the money my mom has spent on his lawyer's fees. Surprisingly, my little brother is very good with paying me back. But he never pays my mom back. Because he knows he can get away with it with her, just like your BF can get away with it with you.

 

These people are very, very irresponsible with money. You are letting your BF take advantage of you monetarily. I'm sure you already know that. But, here's something else you might not have thought of. You also do your BF a disservice by giving him money. You are enabling him on two levels. You're allowing him to maintain his poor financial habits, and you're enabling whatever *problem* it is that he has. I'm guessing drugs? You may as well be lighting the joint or crack pipe or whatever it is for him. My mother did the same thing with my brothers. She could never say no to them - I was one of those weird little kids who was wise enough to know what not to ask for - and she completely ruined them. No discipline. They both ended up high school drop outs with criminal records.

 

About halfway through your post, I was thinking that maybe the best thing to do would be to sever your financial ties with your BF. You pay for your things, and you let him pay for his. This often works for couples with money problems when one partner is irresponsible. It forces the one person to be irresponsible, and takes some tension off the relationship. But that's when the only problem is the money management. If you were to try and do this with your BF, I know exactly how he would respond. He would retaliate. He would do something like refuse to let you use his computer, or he would stop driving you around. Something. Why? Because I get the feeling he's petty like that.

 

So, I'll take it one step forward and advise you to do the thing you really should be doing anyway instead of even trying to fix things. You should dump him. Yes, dump him.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the honest truth. How much do you think he's capable of changing. Assume for a second you never have children with him. His son is still going to be there. And the way your BF is raising him, he's going to be a total spoiled brat. A true hellion. You think he's bad now? Just wait a few years when he gets bigger. Still with this guy in ten years? Can you imagine his son as a teenager? Stick around long enough, and the kid will be telling you the same thing your BF is now. "You can't tell me what to do! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER." He'll learn it perfectly from his father, watching him tell you.

 

The money issue is a big deal. Financial problems are one of the biggest causes of couples getting divorced. If he's not going to go out now and work, why should he later on if you two are still together when he has you to take care of him? And then there is his *problem*. Do you think that's going to get better over time? I doubt it.

 

Breaking up is the best thing to do really. It's good for your BF. It might be the shock he needs to learn some personal responsibility when he is forced to go out and get a job. And it's definitly better for you. The sooner you leave this guy, the sooner you can find a BF who doesn't use you.

 

You're way too smart for this. I know you love him, but this is one of those times you have to ignore your emotions because they will steer you wrong.

[OceanEyes]

How old is he?

 

I'm guessing by "problem" you mean a drug problem. I'm not sure which drug he chooses to spend your money on, but I would strongly advise you to be careful. If it's anything but pot, you may be in for some very rough times down the road. If you want to know what living with an addict is like and can result in, PM me.

 

I'm just going to cut to the chase here, no sugar-coating. I worry that you must suffer from some pretty low self-esteem to stay with this guy. Either that, or your living conditions are so unbearable that you are freely attaching yourself to a guy who doesn't quite measure up to you, simply to remove yourself from those living conditions. Either way, it's not really my place to tell you how to live your life, or who to be with.

 

I'd suggest having a serious discussion with him, but I somehow doubt that will help long-term. This behaviour doesn't really seem to be a temporary "phase", but rather the norm. He'll only get his act together if he really wants to, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to stick around waiting for that. You do actually deserve to be in an equal-footed relationship and treated with respect.

[OceanEyes]

Breaking up is the best thing to do really. It's good for your BF. It might be the shock he needs to learn some personal responsibility when he is forced to go out and get a job. And it's definitly better for you.

 

You know, he's right. Many people don't grow up because they've never needed to grow up. There have been a succession of 'mommies' or 'daddies' in their lives who overcare and spoil them, so they never really develop the tools to live in the real world.

 

The unemployment factor seems to be the tip of the iceburg here -- there are too many broken elements in this relationship to just patch things up. Unless he made a major commitment to change his life, I'd be out the door.

 

If you really want out of your current living situation, get yourself on link removed, ask friends, or place an ad.

[Smarie]

Wow, both of your responses were way more than I was expecting!! Thanks so much. I understand your views and it seems as if you understand mine completely. The money issue does seem to be the route of all evil here. The problem with it all is that with me spending money on him, I have no money for anything else for myself. I mean, dont get me wrong, I still buy what I need, but when it comes to getting a car or an apartment, I have nothing. So its a big step that I want to jump into that I cant afford right now. It makes it even harder to because its not like Im just staying with him because he gives me a ride, that sounds really shallow when I say it like that. But with the winter season coming, it definitely helps to have a ride to work everyday and not have to walk, which may I add is somewhat difficult. Its not like walking down the street. I have to go over a bridge and cross a highway, so in the winter its a little dangerous.

 

For the most part, we do have a good relationship, I really feel like I made it sound like we are always fighting but were really not. Just when we do fight this is what we end up fighting about. I really love him to death and I wish that we could sit down and talk about these things but it gets nothing accomplished. We just end up fighting again. But for the most part, we get along just fine. Its not that I really mind paying for him once in a while after all he does for me, but after so long its like, enough is enough....when are you gonna bring something to the table? It gets quite annoying and I really dont want to leave him, but lately Ive been asking myself, when are things gonna change here? How can I do something? And Im really faced with breaking up with him which I really dont want tosee as an option. But if we are both better off that way, then so be it. I just really wish that we could sit down and talk about these things and try to change them. But we can never say -ok...this is what I did wrong, this is what I am going to work on. It alaways ends up being a big fallout. I really appreciate your help on this!! This has been really hard on me. Thanks again!!!

[melrich]

Thanks so much. I understand your views and it seems as if you understand mine completely. The money issue does seem to be the route of all evil here.

 

Actually I think you are completely missing the point that Ocean and some_guy282 are trying to make.

 

The money issue is not the route of all evil, it is just a signpost. The problem is his total lack of respect for you and the fact that he is using you.

 

I think if you read some_guys post again you'll see what he's really trying to say is that this guy isn't in love with you the person, he's in love with you the security blanket.

[theboyfriend]

hi all, I seem to be the immature freeloader already..but since there are 3 sides to every story..here's my take on my significant other's posts,

Oh and let me just say that I have been out and on my own, lived in 7 different places from apartments in the city to nice 3 bedroom houses in the nicest part of town..I moved back when my ex and I broke up into my grandmother's house to help my 90+ year old grandfather help care for her in her last years..she just passed away a year ago..soon after..my grandfather had a stroke and is now confined to a wheelchair for the most part with my almost 70 year old mother who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer to care for him. She does not work either, nor does she support me in any way other than allowing me the use of her car to transport my girlfriend to and from work and any other place she wants just about..oh and the grocery shopping and normal house errands of course..anyways..my take:

 

The ex-girlfriend/other woman

Previously posted about her before, they have a son together which it seems she could care less about him most of the time. Because of their child, they have this *friendship* still which constantly enables her to call and email and stop over and hang out whenever she sees it fit. He sees no problem with this as they have to have a kid together so I have no say in what goes on.

 

No, she has some say in everything..what she is mad about and is not telling you is that she doesn't have final say over me..the father..which is where the part about him being my child comes in...

 

The ex will call for 2 mins to check on something, have me talk to my kid, ask me a pc question..maybe 3 times in a week....she never "hangs" out unless you count the 10-20 mins when we are exchanging my kid...it really depends on if she just talks to me, or my grandfather or mother.

 

More recently, he has been talking to his friends wife online all day while I am at work, and her husband is at work. I told him I dont care if they talk at first. Its not like I think that he is going to leave me for her. But now, it seems a bit wrong to me because my boyfriend and this woman are sneaking behind her husbands back and talking without her husband knowing. I think this is kind of wrong especially since my boyfriend is his friend. She writes to him about how she wants a divorce and to send us links to the sex toys that she just bought, things that you wouldnt really write to somebody that you only met once for 5 minutes. She knows that I am here and even writes to me sometimes too. I told my boyfriend that since her husband has cheated on her before, she is going to try to do the same with you, I dont think he really believed me. He is starting to see that I am uncomfortable with this and still has done nohing to stop it.

 

I know exactly what this girl is interested in and smarie only expressed her unhappiness with the situation mere hours before that post while we are in the middle of another argument..I haven't even had a chance to address the issue with her..there is no "I'm not stopping even though my girlfriend doesn't like it" at all...if there was something up wouldn't I NOT have my girlfriend read my messenger history everyday this girl messages me? Today is the first I heard of an issue about it..she was talking to this girl..oh and she forgets to tell you about the guy she talks to all day at work..who she says she has to talk to for work purposes yet she knows everything about him down to his out of work life...

 

The Son

I am the kind of person that will probably never have kids. I dont really care for them too much and they really annoy me. When I first started dating my boyfriend I found out he had a baby and I thought I could deal with it.

 

She doesn't tell you that I made SURE she knew I had a child before we ever started to date..it was actually an issue..not something she learned after the fact..nor is the situation with the ex a surprise..she knew the situation before we ever started to date at all

 

At first it was no sweat. He was the cutest little thing and I instantly fell in love with him. He was almost 2 then, now hes almost 4 and hes a totally different kid. Hes very mouthy and bosses me around and tells me what to do. He plays vidoe games like Driver 3 and Grand Theft Auto~ games that have the *over 18* label on them.

 

He has a bit of an attitude with her because every word out of her mouth is to yell at him for something..she doesn't give him an inch to breath..he's 3 years old and she yells at him for getting ramen noodles on the table accidentally when eating..he is starting to not like her and to be afraid of her and she is too blind to see this..she makes the perfect angry step mom actually. As for the games..no, he used to play those games only to drive around and get out of the car..he likes driving games where you can also get out of the car and any games you can swim in water...its not about shooting with him and he would get yelled at if he ever pulled his guns out...now he doesn't play those games at all..mainly just racing games..but the point here is that if I don't agree with smarie then she throws a tantrum and gets pissed off and treats both my child and myself like crap..then goes and sulks in the corner.

 

He still drinks a bottle and frequently will not eat dinner and will get a bottle instead.

 

He does still get a bottle of milk at naptime and bedtime which he finishes before going to bed...he will get rid of his bottle when he wants to..or my grandmother and mother with 7 kids and umpteen grandkids between them must be wrong..we aren't even TALKING a tooth decay issue here either as he's not falling asleep with them..

 

My boyfriend and I do not live together and I have to leave his house at 11 every night, and when I leave at 11 his son is still awake. The majority of the time, after my boyfriend gets home from dropping me off at my house, his son is still awake almost an hour later. My boyfriend says that since I dont have any kids and hes not my child I have no say in what goes on and I dont know what I am talking about because I have never raised a child before. But its ok for me to get him his dinner if my boyfriend is on the phone or playing a video game. And its ok for me to watch him while he runs to a friends house or to the store. But I have no say in what he does or the things he says to me.

 

Yes, my son is normally still awake..mainly because I have one room in this house and he sleeps in it too..smarie is also in here until 11...if I try to turn the lights off for my child so he can go to bed earlier than 11..smarie again throws a tantrum and has an attitude the rest of the night..now it's really a no brainer right? My kids bedtime comes first before my girlfriend's ability to see the laptop?! I also have to contend with whether my child's mom gave him a nap or not and how late as this obviously influences how tired he is going to be.

 

The Job

My boyfriend doesnt have a job, but he is self employed. Which means, hes broke for the majority of the time. He fixes computers and knows so much about them, but he cant land a 9 to 5 job like every body else. He will get a random phone call once in a while from a client to go fix their computer. Which I will admit is better than nothing, but one can not live off $35 a month.

 

Nope, I currently cannot get a 9 to 5 pc job..I normally contract out..something smarie doesn't really understand. Contracts like I normally would do are 9-5 but for 3-6 months at a time..I've had two offers for them in the last few months..one I lost because I didn't have a laptop..the other I lost because I didn't have a car that would make it to the jobsite...I do currently make 200/month guaranteed plus any extra work I do to the tune of 35/hr..and at least 2-3 times this last year 200/hr....again as you can see smarie is not even being truthful...

 

As I said we do not live togther...still....and I keep telling him that I need to get my own place and I wont do that until he has a job. I dont want to go out and get an apartment then have to move right back out again because I cant afford it for the 3 of us. I keep telling him that any job would be ggod right now because at least he would be making some money. He says he doesnt want to do that because he doesnt want to make $6 an hour if he can go out and make $50 and hour, and even more. .....But if youre not making any money at all, wouldnt $6 be better than that? I dont understand.

 

Yes, I hear everyday how she HAS to move out because she can't get along with her grandmother...as if it's suddenly MY responsibility to help get a place RIGHT THIS SECOND because she is fighting again...I understand living on my own...she understands living on her own one time only..in pretty much one of the crapiest places in the town..a place where you can afford both an apt/utils and groceries working a 6/hr job...not a place I would live...add to this we both need a way to get to and from work..neither of us will take the bus so that's out..which leaves walking distance only...I can't find a pc job in walking distance..and that's right..I choose to be available to work the 35/hr and 200/hr jobs which equal out to a weeks pay for her in just one to a few hours...this doesn't even say anything about me having to be home to watch my grandfather when my mother goes to the hospital to get tests done..something that is not on a regular schedule and also just cost me ANOTHER full time job...which is where I currently am working one day a week. Meanwhile..my phone rings off the hook from all the people (mostly family) that need free pc help.

 

Then he has to *borrow* money from me, which I will have to fight about getting paid back for it later, and he will end up not paying me back. I do get paid back here and there after a fight with him. Sometimes he will hand it over, sometimes it is a fight. Because Im always *changing the amount*. But he already owes me more than I will ever get paid back for in the first place. But if I dont give him the money in the first place, he wont give me a ride to work and he wont bring me to the store and I cant use his computer and I cant eat his food, etc. etc

 

Yes, I borrow money from her..and I pay her back..over 700+ so far easily..the problem comes when I ask to borrow say 50 bux...usually it's less like 10-20 but I tell her I will repay it on a certain day...that day comes and she all of a sudden demands I pay her 100 or whatever..some amount more than we agreed on..saying it's for the money I still owe her...now I understand I owe her money..and I pay it back out of every check I get but she routinely will increase the amount I owe her as well...such as I owe her 100 bux...two days later..after she has bought be two packs of cigs...the total is now 130 bux..and she always justifies it by saying I still owe her money..now I saw the replies about keeping track of every little thing and this is what she always tries to do....with everything...

 

Yes I use my mothers car to transport her to and from work, to wendys, arbys, the store, walmart, the bank, her dads house, I even have driven her grandmother places...in a normal day I have to go her house, pick her up, drive her to work, then pick her up, go back to her house so she can change and get ready..then to the gas station for a drink, then to some other place usually to get something to eat...I go one place a day if that...if the 50 cents is really THAT important ok..but really....

[RandomAdvisor]

Actually I think you are completely missing the point that Ocean and some_guy282 are trying to make.

 

The money issue is not the route of all evil, it is just a signpost. The problem is his total lack of respect for you and the fact that he is using you.

 

 

I was going to reply and say the same thing. The money issue is not the real problem. It is a symptom of the real problem. You have to dig deeper to see the real problem. Why doesn't he have money? Because he doesn't have a job. Why doesn't he have a job? Because he's lazy. Why can he afford to be lazy? Because he has you to exploit, and he's more than happy to do it.

 

The problem isn't the money. The problem is your boyfriend.

 

I know often our relationships aren't as bad as they seem to be when we post about them here. Posts about problems are just that - snapshots of our relationships at their worst. But there are things that are like the two ton straw that broke the camel's back. Abuse and violence is probably the easiest to identify. But I think your situation also falls into this category. Your boyfriend is using you, period. Things may still be tolerable or even nice for the moment despite the problems, but you have to look towards the future and it looks like you are already doing that.

 

The question is, do you have a future with this man? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him and being happy? I think you know the answers. The sooner you leave him, the better I think.

 

Adjusting your life after you leave him is a big thing, so I know you'll have a lot of apprehension about the idea. That's why I said your relationship sounded like a bad marriage. Getting to school is the big thing. Is there any public transportation you could take to get to school? Or how long would it take to walk? We Americans are really averse to walking, but it's not so bad. There's also a trade off you yourself have alluded to. Once you dont' have him leeching money off you, you'll have enough to start saving and get a place of your own where your crazy grandmother can't harass you.

[RandomAdvisor]

This is the second time something like this has happened with the partner getting on the site and replying to the thread. It certainly is interesting to hear both sides of the story.

 

How do you feel about the relationship? Do you see a future together longterm, think the problems can be worked out?

 

My big issue was the money. Have you really paid her back everything you've borrowed from her? If the relationship is to be saved I'll put forward my original suggestion of seperating finances. No more borrowing money from each other.

[melrich]

OK so as always there are 2 sides to the story. I think from what you guys have posted that you have a lot of love between you but you are struggling with the "operational" side of the realtionship.

 

It's not worth creating a scoreboard, it seems you both bring a lot to the relationship but you need to appreciate that in each other.

 

Smarie you have to accept that his son is going to be a part of your life if you remain in the relationship. You have to accept that sometimes that will take precedence and that theboyfriend will have to have significant contact with the mother. You also have to accept that you will not have as much input into his upbrining sa the natural parents. theboyfriend, i think you have to accept that it is difficult for Smarie, be senstitive to that and involve her as much as possible. It is also up to you to ensure that your son shows her the respect she deserves. I have 3 year old myself. I know how difficult they can be, i know how much mess they can create, Smarie you should try to understand the a toddler does not do these things on purpose, they have only a budding concept of right and wrong and absolutely no idea about cleanliness. Try and embrace thsi as part of the wonder of watching a child grow up.

 

As for the money stuff. theboyfriend, if you are constantly borrowing money I think you need to also be routinely paying it back. Relationships are always about give and take but if one partner is providing the bulk of the financial contribution then it is likely to cause problems. I have no idea what your income potential is but I think you need to at least show that you are trying to maximise it and that the situation you are now in is reasonably short-term.