Friendless and lost

[registered]

Hi

 

I have no friends in life. In the past I have pushed (in some cases driven) people away from me. Today I think I am a much better person then I have been in the past and am determined to be all I haven't been in the past.

 

There are people I see at university who are friendly but I wouldn't say that any are my friend. I have no one who I go out with or can ask advice from. No one wants to spend time with me or even knows that I exist unless I talk to them. Also I couldn't ask these people to do 'friend-ish' things. I have tried and they are not interested. I am just someone who bothers them or who can be of service to them when they need it.

 

I used to want to be alone because I was never treated with respect and was given a hard time. But today I really need a friend.

 

I know that being alone has it's benefits. But this doesn't make up for the deficits.

I have read books and received advice on how to go about fixing my life. And this advice has helped a lot. But even though today I am able to be friendly I have no friends.

 

I am a confident person (mostly) and pleasant to be around. I never (and never have) been one to upset anyone. People often tell me I am a nice guy or that they are glad that they know me - and it means a lot to me, I don't make sure these people know this - so my lack of friends is not due to any behaviour like this.

My main problem is that I do not meet enough people. I am at university and I thought this would be easy. I do meet many people but these are people with their own groups of friends and I am always an outsider and always made to feel unwelcome.

I have also tried joining clubs but this has not helped. I speak to many people, and have many acquiantances but no friends.

I am a quiet guy and I am looking for a way for a quiet guy to meet some likeminded people, and to find some people I can spend time with, rely on, and be a friend towards them too.

 

Of the people I know, I make a lot of effort to be friendly. Apart from all that should be expected I will sometimes send an email when I don't hear from them just enquiring how they are or wishing them well with something I know they have coming up. In other words, I don't believe it is any unfriendliness on my behalf that prevents these people from liking me. If a friend is someone who enjoys your company and likes to know how you are doing then these people are not my friends. They are all (there isn't many, just a few) people I have met at university. There are no people from my past who I can talk to.

 

I also think that I am not a very open person. I like to be private and not give too much away about myself. And this is not good for developing friends. I know that it is important to share things about yourself to make friends. I think this is one thing I need to change.

 

I have tried clubs at universtity and they have not worked - I made an effort! I don't want to be alone! I really don't believe that these can help me gain new friends in the future, though I will try and continue to make this effort.

Clubs outside of university seem like a good way to make effort but I do not want to join a sporting club, and there are not really too many other clubs I can think of.

Are there any ways people can suggest that will make it easier for me to make friends?

 

I am an approachable person, friendly, and willing to meet anyone new and yet I am in this position. I am far from perfect but I am working hard to be a better person. I don't think there is much standing in my way (or anyone's way really, it is just an attitude thing), just the opportunities to meet new people who I will be able to be friends with.

 

I am looking for some advice from anyone out there who may be able to help. I would also love to hear from people who have been in similar situations. What can I do? I would really appreciate it.

 

Thanks everyone!

[archerz03]

Hey man, I really do understand what you are going through. I am also a university student and making new friends in universities isn't easy for some people, especially for someone that is starting from scratch like you.

 

First of all, classrooms are the wrong place as you probably have notices, the best you can do is acquaintances. You only spend like an hour or so with those people, which is clearly not enough to develop anything.

 

The best and fastest way to get to know people and a lot of people at once, is to join a faternity (or sorority if ur a girl). Living the same house forces interaction. And frat brothers do a lot of activities together. Partying, drinking, etc...

 

Same thing with dorms and apartments with roomates. Places that forces a lot of interaction.

 

I would then say join clubs but it seems you already tried that and no luck, but keep trying!

 

Are you an athletic person? I'm sure there are gyms and sports club at your university. You should regular go and participate like in a game of basketball or something. (Even if you don't meet anyone, atleast u get some excersise.)

 

Joining study groups.

 

From what i can tell from your post, you don't seem to be a shy person and you are really trying to being nice and friendly. The problem isn't really you then , it just luck in meeting and saying the right things to the right people. It will take a lot of time, or maybe you might get lucky.

 

Try to find people that are the same "type" as you. I'm not trying to sound shallow or anything and don't get offended, but appearance matters.

Thats how the world works.

 

Getting to know people takes time, don't rush things. Find out things about them, what they like to do. For example if they like to play tennis but haven't been playing much lately, and you play tennis also, see if they want to play sometime. If they are in a club, and that club seem interesting, ask them about it and join it.

 

And about the sending emails like wishing birthdays and such, that the right idea, but if they don't respone, don't bother with anymore. It just not worth the effort. If people clearly are not interested, move on.

 

And last but not least, makes friends with people you want to be friends with. Don't make with friends with jerks or assholes.

 

Well, that pretty much all I can think about at the moment. Its 1:10 AM and I got homework due in 8 hours. If you think any of my ideas are useful, try them out.

 

Good luck and keep at it!!

 

ArcherZ

 

Very first post completed!

[registered]

thanks for your reply archerz.

 

Thanks for reading my post, it was much longer then I had thought, and thanks for righting your reply too, especially with deadlines looming.

 

Firstly I will say that my problem wasn't always as simple as meeting people. I was shy, not confident and not willing. And I have some way to go I think.

 

I don't live at a college, I commute to and from university, some distance. This is another problem because I have no friends where I live and any friends I make will not live near me.

 

I have attended study sessions and met people. Some I actually thought were my friends but after some time these people lost interest in me. One thing I find is that people are usually happy with the friends they have already. But I still go to such sessions and meet new people, so it's just a matter of time I guess.

 

I think what you say about keeping on trying is good advice. But some times it just hurts a lot you know, it seems so hopeless, and really no amount of positivity makes me feel better in these situations. But when I wake up the next day (something I am lucky for ) things tend to be better. I just don't want to have to feel like this in the future.

 

I do have an attitude of preferring to be alone in my actions but not in my feelings if that makes sense. So I think I need to be more active in seeking friends.

 

I didn't really want to join a sports club but I think it is a good idea and I will consider it now. I do have to travel some distance to university so joining a sports club at university is not ideal but I will consider it. A local club might be better, I will try and find out some things.

 

What you say about appearance is something I didn't really consider, but I it is true, a fact of life. So thanks for the advice.

 

The more I think about things the more they start to seem not so bad. But at the same time I realise that this is just because at this moment I feel ok, and I know that if things don't change then some time in the future they will seem bad again. But I'll just be as patient as possible.

 

So thanks archerz. I'll do what you suggest, thanks for the great advice.

Congratulations on the first post

[teacup]

hey, you can PM me. im in the same situation. there are several things that put me in this situation, none of them good. but im a great person. have a good personality. all that jazz.

 

i find myself with potential bfs..easy for me to get to know guys and make friends with them. they seem to want to sleep with me or want a gf or something. that doesnt really make me happy - only temporarily but the guys usually leave when they know i dont like them that way.

 

it's harder for me to get to know girls and make girl friends. we can cheer each other on to make friends! and encourage each other. that might be cool yeah?

[registered]

thanks teacup