Wife gone

[onmyownagain]

My wife asked me to move out 7 weeks ago, because she doesn't feel that she loves me any more and doesn't want to try. We have one child who is 9.

 

Obviously we can't do the no contact thing because of my child and there seems to be an excuse to contact me on a daily basis which probably isn't helping but when we do chat it is normally quite nice.

 

We hadn't been getting on for a while so this is probably not a bad thing in the long run I suppose.

 

The thing that annoys me is that my wife had health problems for most of the

time we were together and I stood by her on her many stays in Hospital for many years, I know that it was my duty has a husband, in sickness and in health etc. But although she is not fully healthy now, she is doing better than she had for many years and feel she may want me out because I remind her of the ill years.

 

I know time heals etc and can guess what you are all going to say, but feel I needed to write this down for me really.

 

thanks

[biloxyblues]

I've have been living with this chick for nine years. Went through thick and thin, like most people do.. even paid for her education. At first it took me a long time to fall in love as she was the one who had made innitial advances. But with time i found myself falling more an' more in love.

Well, we got our first child, who is soon to be 7, and i had to drop out of school so as to support the family. We later moved to her home town where i started working full time as a night shifter at a psychiatrical hospital (little did i know of the benefits of the experiences gained then!!)..coz it paid well. It some time and we got another baby, who later came to developed a severe asmatic condition, and good lward! we've spent many a days, an' nights at the hopital. Well, back then thing's were tight economically, found out the only way outa such condition was to go back to to the school bench, thus, i urged her to put her self up together and finnish with her schooling!! No sooner she was done than it was to be my turn. Unfortunately, the collage there did not offer any engineering courses which i had previously started.. so, i applied in another town and we decided to move, though it wasn't easy. With her newly acquired skills as a social worker she got a job very fast and i started on my long journey to having a career. This is my second year. No sooner she started working than she started acting funny and leaving home at odd hours let alone being moody and stuff.You know, you've lived with someone for soo many years that small details go unnoticed..big blunder i say! Later this summer i started recieving weired sms's messages from her male working colleagues, rather graphic ones and it really tore me heart to pieces. Yes, i confronted her, she denied,after being persistet, she admitted into having meeting guy at her place of work, that she really fancied and i was then and thereby issued with a red card. !!!Brother it's been tough..contemplating with the whole nightmare, my kids!! ohh my kids..the eldest one doesn't understand why daddy cannot be allowed by mummy to move back home. Now i live alone in a single roomed student flat, my finances are in shummbles and the only times i can see my kids is either when she is working on a late shift or when she is out meeting the new guy. The whole thing is rather pscychologically demanding due to the fact that we decided not to uproot the kids from their familiar environs. Now i went to pick up my eldest son from school today' 4th Nov'., and she told me that she is taking my kids to see her new guy tomorrow..i almost fainted in horror, but..what can i do...?absolutely nothing. #angel Life sucks, buddy..yeah it really does

[Bethany]

I'm sorry to read of you marriage breakup. It's a hard time not only for you but your child, who will not understand what has happened. Why don't you take your child on holiday, even if its for a few days?. It will give you some time together to talk and bond again and show him/her that you love them despite what has happened.

But also, it will also give your wife some space to be alone to think and understand what she has done to you all as a family.

[biloxyblues]

This is probably the best advice i've received so far. Thanks alot for your direct and relfected answer. God help thee. The thing is that, for those of us who have expeienced such traumatic situations, we tend to seek comfort from our peers. Who in most cases, have a very judgemental perspective, thus one ends up getting similar responses..well more or less. Currently i'm not in a situation to take my two boys for vacation, with the exams around the corner...but i have to admit that your suggestion will be excecuted and i will keep you posted.

Enjoy your weekend wherever you are and once again, thank you very very much.

[biloxyblues]

This is probably the best advice i've received so far. Thanks alot for your direct and relfected answer. God help thee. The thing is that, for those of us who have expeienced such traumatic situations, we tend to seek comfort from our peers. Who in most cases, have a very judgemental perspective, thus one ends up getting similar responses..well more or less. Currently i'm not in a situation to take my two boys for vacation, with the exams around the corner...but i have to admit that your suggestion will be excecuted and i will keep you posted.

Enjoy your weekend wherever you are and once again, thank you very very much.

 

 

 

[/i will put on an iron shirt, and chase the devil outa Earth!]

[PavPPZ1]

i hate hearing stories like this, because you guys let yourself get walked on, while you did nothing wrong, your wife should beliving in a studio flat, now you. There is much truth to our justice system and it was reflected in OJ's case..

 

I dont know man,..

[onmyownagain]

i hate hearing stories like this, because you guys let yourself get walked on, while you did nothing wrong, your wife should beliving in a studio flat, now you. There is much truth to our justice system and it was reflected in OJ's case..

 

I dont know man,..

 

It is not a case of being walked on. I own the home my wife lives in but she knows that in the UK I can't make her move out because of our child. In fact I can't make her sell the house until my child leaves full time education. Even when the property is sold I will only get a small fraction of the equity.

[onmyownagain]

Just to let you know. I have emailed my wife today to tell her to stop texting me all the time with silly reasons to talk (why do they always do this). What she doesn't know is that tonight I am going out on a date with someone from work, I am sure nothing will come of it but it it nice to feel someone finds me attractive still and asked me out for dinner.

 

My first date in god know how many years, wish me luck!!

[RayKay]

Just to let you know. I have emailed my wife today to tell her to stop texting me all the time with silly reasons to talk (why do they always do this). What she doesn't know is that tonight I am going out on a date with someone from work, I am sure nothing will come of it but it it nice to feel someone finds me attractive still and asked me out for dinner.

 

My first date in god know how many years, wish me luck!!

 

I think telling her to limit contact was a good idea. Honestly right now she and you should only be talking about the child when it comes to pick up/drop off times and the like.

 

Let her realize what she has lost. Right now she does it as she wants the emotional fulfillment from you but none of her having to give it in return. She wants you close in case she needs you back as other things don't work out. Show her what it means to lose you.

 

Have fun on the date, but just be cautious of rushing into anything so soon and hurting yourself and this new woman in the end. It's only been a couple months, and you need to heal and get yourself in a good place first before getting anything too serious. Be honest with her about needing time right now and not being able to promise anything, don't lead her on...but DO have fun

[onmyownagain]

Well I went on the date, she is a really nice person and it was nice to have so much attention from someone. It is funny but when you have been married for years you forget just how exiting first dates can be.

 

The body language was incredible although I did explain to her my position and

want to just be friends at the moment because I think it would be a mistake to do anything else for now.

 

Still it took my mind off my wife for a while

[onmyownagain]

Well,

 

She started to text again yesterday, same sort of silly thing but at least the number of texts has dropped down.

 

As for the dating thing. I think that may have been a mistake, I had a nice evening and enjoyed the company but I think she is starting to read too much into it. I texted her on Saturday evening to say hi because I said I would. She wanted to know if I had been thinking about her and she asked me the same this morning at work (she sits near my office).

 

I guess she is at the nice stage you go through when you start dating and is excited about when we next go out (sometime this week). But for me, it means nothing really as I am a long way from being able to have any sort of relationship.

 

I don't want her to get hurt so perhaps I should not see her, although I did make it clear on the night we went out that I wasn't really ready for anything yet.

 

Life is so complicated.

[RayKay]

Well, just keep ignoring her texts and her contacts unless they are DIRECTLY related to something with the child.

 

Hmm, it sounds like then she may have more interest then you, or have a different interpretation of your conversation with her!

 

I would be careful of leading her on, it's your choice to go on the date or not, but if things seem to be "off" in that she is expecting more or seems to have guise of it going further/deeper, then you may have to be VERY clear with her that it is not going to be anything more and you should stop hanging out with her. She sounds like she may be someone whom gets "stuck" on someone fast if she is already giving you "leads" to compliment her (ie have you been thinking of me) after one date!

[onmyownagain]

Well, just keep ignoring her texts and her contacts unless they are DIRECTLY related to something with the child.

 

 

The trouble is, the first text is always a question about my daughter. It is the next one that moves on to something else. Never about us but just a way for her to get some interaction. I here from friends that she is feeling very lonely so I can understand why she is doing what she does. But I said in my email to her why I thought she was doing it and also that she probably made the right decision to split.

 

Her life now seems to be go to work and then sit at home. Shame really.

[onmyownagain]

I have been doing what is recommended here by not answering my wifes calls and ignoring texts unless they are about my daughter and then I reply with basic yes and no answers if I can.

 

But on Thursday she texted me to say she is very ill, and I responded by asking her what is wrong.

 

She texted back and told me what was up and I responded that I hope she will be okay.

 

Then on Monday she texted to say she is worse and is being admitted to hospital. I texted her yesterday morning to make sure she is okay, but she

isn't going to die or anything but isn't doing good.

 

I don't know what to do now. She hasn't texted since and I haven't texted her. I was really on the mend but this has set me back quite a bit.

[sonjam]

I don't know if you wife is like this, that she knows about you giving her attention when she is ill, and maybe using it as another excuse? Don't you have direct contact with your daughter? Contact her rather, and then you might hear the full story, remember once you are out of your wifes life, it has nothing to do with you if she is having a bad day/week or not, unless it impacts your arrangements with your child.

[onmyownagain]

I do have contact with my daugher, although she is only nine so doesn't know too much about what is happening with her mummy at the moment. She is staying with her gran (wifes side) this week until I get her on Friday.

[chaos]

I'm sorry to hear about that. I just found out my ex was in a car accident, nothing really seriuos but she's got a slipped disk and is generally in a lot of pain. It's hard not to care, not to want to be with her and take care of her. At the same time, it's also none of my business and not my place to do any of those things. So many conflicting emotions. I also thought I was doing better but since I found out, I find myself coming home at night hoping she'll be there. I even dreamed about her last night for the first time in awhile... In it she told me that she'd been sleeping with her best friend, who is also a woman, and just as she told me that, her friend pulls up. All I could think is why would she tell me that and then invite her over unless it's jsut to hurt me. Needless to say, it wasn't pleasant. Anyways... Being that I think I can relate to what you're going through, all I can say is don't use it as an excuse to talk to her. It's not your place to take care of her anymore, her illness isn't your problem. I know it's hard but she made her decision and now she has to live with it, for better or worse.

[onmyownagain]

Hi chaos. Thanks for replying. I didn't want to use it as an excuse, she contacted me and put the worry there. She is back home now, she didn't tell me this, I found out from my old neighbour who texted me last night. I think it was unfair of my ex to tell me she was ill in the first place. If she hadn't told me I wouldn't have worried.

 

Just to add to the problems it is her birthday today.