How to help my overweight step daughter

[Duffy2005]

First some background: I got married over a year ago and have kids for the first time in my life..ranging from 9 to 19. The middle child is a 13 year old girl. She is ADHD and can be a handful. She has trouble socializing because she is so loud and demanding...so she has almost no friends. We've had her in counseling with a HIGHLY recommended therapist, who's final analysis was that my step-daughter is narcisistic. Her advice essentially was to hope she grows out of it. We're working thru all of the above.

Where I need some help is with her weight...she is probably only about 4'9" but weighs over 140 pounds. Most of it in her enormous belly. To make matters worse, she doesn't seem to realize it. Every now and then she'll say she is fat, and sometimes she acts like it bothers her. To make matters worse, she tries to wear clothes designed for a skinny model. We took her to get a new Halloween costume and all the normal costumes were too small in the mid section...so she had to buy an adult costume designed for "plus sized" women. She complained that the package had a picture of a "fat" woman modeling it.

 

When she eats, she eats too fast, eats too large of portions, etc. She tends to shun "healthy foods" for french fries and chicken nuggets. We try to monitor, limit, control, etc...but my wife and I both have jobs and we can't "babysit" her all the time.

 

Like most kids these days, she is not very active. She signed up for soccer this year, but she is the worst player on the team. She plays like she has her feet in concrete. But she enjoyed being on the team and seemed oblivious that she is not good at it.

 

btw...everyone else in the family is thin...very thin!

 

This may sound superficial, but lets be honest,....people are happier and healthier when they are not overweight. My concern is by the time she is 16 or 17 she will be 5'2" and 250 pounds and miserable...and her attitude and outlook will be even worse.

 

We try to suggest to her to eat differently and be more active (as delicately as possible), she accuses us of calling her fat and she starts crying, etc. Every once in a while, she'll say she is going to change her eating habits or exercise....that lasts about a day or two.

 

How do I get through to her without hurting her feelings? Please don't suggest having the healthy eating discussion! Healthy eating is lost on a 13 year old!

 

Sometimes I think she doesn't realize how fat she looks, so I think if I could somehow get her to see what other see, it might sink in. The "bad parent" in me says take some side view pictures of her in one of her skimpy outfits and maybe it will shock her into reality. I know that's not appropriate. Any other suggestions?

 

btw...i watched my sister and neice go thru this same sort of thing. They were not popular as teenage girls, so they absorbed the "wrong" type of attention when they did get it. Both had teen pregnancies...and their lives are still a mess years later.

[redandblack]

Don't buy junk food. The problem with it is the fact that it's so easy to just grab a box, bag, etc and sit down with it. "Whoops! I ate the whole bag!" You probably see where I am going with this.

 

Eating fast food is very bad too.

 

Look at your diet and see what you are eating. Too much protien? Too much fat? Might want to cut back on the meat and up the vegetables.

 

As for the active thing, that's hard to force someone to change. Maybe she can find something she can get into? Don't force her into it, though. She WILL hate it in that case.

 

Apparently, this kind of thing is becoming somewhat of a worldwide phenomenon, especially in the developing world.

[passions1]

I can relate to your concern as well since I have a younger sister that fits the physical profile of your step-daughter. I'm also concerned of the long-term impact that is not seen such as possible diabetes & any related heart dieases at a much younger age.

 

Maybe a good approach would be to ask what she enjoys doing so that you don't come accross as blaming her for appearance. If she does enjoy cooking, or any physical activity, then see if a family effort would help out as team support. She may not be able to start off alone. Consider gym membership as well.

 

Also consider incorporating healthier snacks alittle bit at a time whether it be substitutes with fruits, veggie sticks with PB, cheese sticks, juices instead of soda. It's a long term process to modify eating habits, but indulging in your favorites in moderation is healthy as well.

[RandomAdvisor]

This is a very delicate situation and probably something you should discuss with her therapist. There are lots of things we could suggest (diet, exercise, buying less junk food, etc.) but in the end she wont change unless she wants to change. You can provide support, but ultimately it has to come from her.

[Shadows Light]

Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?? Privately. Maybe they may be able to offer some assistance.

 

Look to your local library for information: such as

 

Overweight Children: Helping Your Child Achieve Lifetime Weight Control (Hardcover) by Michael D. Lebow

 

amazon has a few books listed.

 

I'd start with the pediatrician. And then maybe talk to the counselor... privately about an appropriate approach.

 

You've tried limiting etc. How about starting out with 2 meals a week that are totally healthy choice meals. Salads etc.

 

Since you are working parents. Its tough to do meals without resorting to quick Carb loaded meals or fast foods. So.....

A friend of mine... bought veggies and she cuts them up into containers. They broil chicken on sunday and put it in a container. So that they can whip up quick meals.

 

I make up Sandwhich roll ups using Tortilla shells, sliced lettuce tomatoes, mozzarella and lunch meat, or broiled chicken. More vegies than anything.. and then I roll them up and sarn wrap them. That way they are done and ready to go. Healthier choice than lets say chips. Also I cut them in half depending on the shell.

 

We do a baked potatoe night and stuff baked potatoes... steamed broccolli, cheese... etc. Those are pretty easy and quick to do.

 

Slowly stear the whole family away from sugared cereals and stuff like icecream. Instead of icecream buy frozen yogurt, yogurt or do frozen bananas dipped in chocolate. Lot less calories than ice-cream.

 

How about walking... do you walk with her??? do you have a dog to walk?? bike riding??? dance night... I know it sounds goofy, but putting on some tunes during cooking dinner time and dancing chills me out. And its good for the kids.

 

I don't know if doing the "bad parent thing" is such a good idea. Maybe catching her in some pictures may trigger a response.. but its got to be done in a loving, caring way. Maybe if she asks if she's FAT... or accuses that you are calling her fat. Ask her if she thinks she is??? if she thinks she is.. then ask her if she wants to do something about it. Maybe talk to her pede or start taking walks with you. Dont' know the answer truly..

 

Think a lot has to do with leading by example or trying to lead her there. Do you have a family YMCA membership??? well.. that might be the ticket. You could both go... and work out. She might be interested in getting better at soccer...by practicing at the YMCA. Or.. have you offered to work with her on soccer... would she be interested in spending more time with you???

 

I know your concern. I watched the same thing happen to a family member. And I worry about my kids. I try to set the example. I'm a single working mom.. so I know what you mean. ALL of my spare time is spend with the kids. I reserve the weekends they are away to catch up on the rest of the house, bills, etc. LOL.

 

I've cut out fast foods. Including PIZZA. Because.. we can't afford it, I tell them. AND.. instead of POP.. I buy Koolaid.. I can control the sugar better. I even water down their real juices. I also have switched to skim milk. They get used to it eventually. And will never know the difference.

 

These type of changes... are FAMILY changes. I've had to walk the walk with them. While we might not have time to go for a walk around the block all the time... I try to do that a few times a month. Make excuses to go to the METROPARKS to walk. AND yes... I've even gotten into playing in the snow with them.. as cold and as tired as I might be.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Hi Duffy

 

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

Is she on any medication to counter her ADHD?

 

A lot of this is probably brought on by the fact that her real mother isn't living at home with her any more, and people deal with this situation in a variety of ways.

 

Does she get an allowance or pocket money? Perhaps give her pocket money but place it straight into a bank account in her name, and ensure that she can't access it without your or your wife's permission.

 

Exercise will definitely help with any hyperactivity - maybe do family exercise - go to the pool, go to the park etc.

 

I don't think there is a way that you can overcome her problem - the therapist said that she might grow out of it... I guess that's what you have to hope for.

 

Also, it's hard to tell people they are fat, because you know it will hurt their feelings. The best thing to do is persevere with her, make sure she sticks to her food diet unless you give her permission to eat something else (restriction on pocket money!) - maybe even padlock the fridge and cupboards. Maybe a bit extreme but you never know, it might work.

 

Perhaps buying her some clothes as a present that flatter her body shape as it is now will help her out. There isn't much you can do with her current condition, but doing things as a family and showing her that she has the support of all of you will help her out.

[Tigris]

I suggest you talk to your sister and neice and find out exactly how they felt when people tried to advise them, etc.

 

I for one, did not like the way my mother talked to me about my weight. She was not nasty only concerned but that did not help the way I felt when she talked to me about it.

 

I did eat healthily the majority of the time. The main problem was going to school. There was a 'tuck shop' where you could buy chocolate, crisps, sweets, etc.

 

The only suggestions I can come up with are:

 

1. You don't buy any sweets, crisps, cake, biscuits, etc. in your grocery shopping. I find that if I don't have these in the house I can't eat them.

 

2. All of the family go out for walks together and do other excercise.

 

3. Find some hobbies the whole family can do together.

 

4. Only watch the tv when your favourite programmes come on. Don't let her become a 'couch potato'.

 

 

I hope I've helped.

 

Good luck and take care.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi, I used to be your stepdaughter.

 

The bad parent idea is the most inappropriate, evil, yes evil, thing you could do. That would do a lot more harm than good.

 

The weight is a symptom, but it's not the root problem. She sounds like she's got an eating disorder. Think about it. Most people, when they start becoming obese, will stop, look and listen, and they'll try to put a stop to it. They think of themselves the way they really are...pudgy.

 

Your stepdaughter's body image is distorted. Hence the wrong type of clothes.

 

The food is being used the way an alcoholic would use alcohol or a drug addict would use drugs...to numb out, escape, relax, whatever the desired effect. Have you ever seen the movie "Super Size Me"? It mentions a study or some research that found that after eating a fast-food meal, the brain of someone who had just consumed that food resembled an addict brain whilst the addict was high?

 

Now, chances are, people are already making her feel bad enough about her weight, so please don't buy into that, even inadvertently. Make your home a safe place for her; a place where she is valued for a lot more than her weight and will feel loved no matter what, even though you are freaking out inside about what may or may not lie in her future.

 

Make her weight a non-issue, but at the same time, don't help make it worse. That means no junk food in the house and no fast food. Make it so that the only food available in the house is healthy food. That way, there's no issue about making her choose healthy items...everything available is healthy. Restrict pocket change severely, believe me she will live.

 

She's at an age where you can't force her to change; it must always come from her or any efforts for change will be rejected. If she mentions wanting to do something about her weight, then of course, support that. I recommend that you ask her how long she would like to try that for...a week? a month? You could use your parental power to make her stick to it for the time that she stated. After that period of time ends, ask her what she learned.

 

I would stress being healthy, not being thin. I wouldn't mention popularity or anything of that nature.

 

I also recommend that you check out the following website: link removed.

 

Good luck,

Phreckles

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Soccer: encourage it, even if she sucks. I was on a softball team and I wasn't too good because of my weight, but I enjoyed it nonetheless and it was very good for my self esteem. Focus not on how good she is, but on how proud you are of her for trying her best.

 

By the way, what does her mom think about this? And more importantly, how does her mom feel about your sentiments about it?

[Day_Walker]

I think you need to show her by example, make it a family thing. The family is now eating healthy and excercising. Treat this situation as you would treat a spouse. Any other method and they will resent you but if you make positive changes for the whole family then she wont think that its directed towards her.

[RooferGirl23]

oH how you and I are in the same, sinking ship!! please see an earlier post of mine on the very same thing:

link removed

My 13 year old step daughter is miserable and it gets worse by the day. But in HER eyes she is perfect. She has no friends and dont know why. all our other kids are very thin, like yours, and my 13 year old also tries to wear what she cant fit in to. she puts it on anyway, and will flip out of you tell her to change her clothes.

As you can see in my post, people have given me similar relpies as you. if I even suggested the thought of "family walks" the kid wuold just tell me to f-off! STop buying junk food... been there, tried that, they find other things to eat, believe me, that dont work either.

I have tried to personally help her, talk to her, and not she just hates me even more and we dont have a relationship anymore. So i have come to this conclusion (and im sure many will not like it but this is NOT an easy thing to deal with, especailly being a STEP parent) I have not gotten involved anymore about her weight, school friend problems, or anything anymore. She has a mother and a father, thats THEIR responsibility, not mine. I just butt out of it. i have allready hurt her and my relationship by trying to help. so i have stopped. Im not nessisarily saying just give up, but since you are NOT the natural parent, trying to help my make things worse for the 2 of you.

It seems to me our teens just dont care. how can you tell them otherwise? I just get the hand in the face or a door.. whichever is closer.. lol

hang in there its so very hard... i feel your pain entirely!!!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

So i have come to this conclusion (and im sure many will not like it but this is NOT an easy thing to deal with, especailly being a STEP parent) I have not gotten involved anymore about her weight, school friend problems, or anything anymore. She has a mother and a father, thats THEIR responsibility, not mine. I just butt out of it. i have allready hurt her and my relationship by trying to help. so i have stopped. Im not nessisarily saying just give up, but since you are NOT the natural parent, trying to help my make things worse for the 2 of you.

It seems to me our teens just dont care. how can you tell them otherwise? I just get the hand in the face or a door.. whichever is closer.. lol

hang in there its so very hard... i feel your pain entirely!!!

 

Sometimes backing off is the hardest but most correct thing to do. It's something your step daughter is going to have to fix for herself and the habits that started it, and the eating disorder (sounds like one but who knows?) won't be solved by anything that you do at this point. Her life isn't in danger, so I would say to just let it be. That way, her home is always a safe place for her and you're not adding fuel to the fire. You can still avoid bringing junk food in and avoid McDonald's, etc., but right now, that's probably about all you can do.

[Duffy2005]

Thanks for all the input and sentiment.

 

Of course we're trying to steer her toward healthier eating...in baby steps. Trust me, she won't switch from pizza and mcnuggets to boiled chicken easily! Even healthy foods become less healthy the way she eats them (slathers ketchup and syrup on everything).

I plan to start introducing some higher energy activities this week. I'm hoping I can get her mom to spend more time with her that way.

'Its hard for me to just "butt-out" because my greatest fear is a few years from now I'll have a unhappy, lazy, pregnant, unemployed, narcisstic, step daughter in my house.

 

What complicates things is this kid is so difficult to have around anyway. Literally every day or night there is a blow-up of some form...usually caused by her lack of respect or attention or concern or lazyness or.....