The "Other Woman": mistress vs. girlfriend

[IFlyNonStop]

Here's my aunt's story. She considers herself to be a mistress (not the dominatrix type). She is single, and has been involved with a married man for the last seven years. I know that society hates mistresses and feels them to be home wreckers. She's content for things to stay as they are, even though he has no intention of leaving his wife. She thinks of this as something much more than just an affair, as though she is above that.

 

What's the story with this? Does anyone understand how this kind of relationship works? What is the benefit to being the "other woman"? Can anyone direct me to any resources which discuss this type of relationship? Websites, forums and discussion groups, etc. that focus on mistresses?

 

She's pretty much an outcast with the rest of my family, but I haven't made any judgments myself. The way I see it, this is a really complex issue, so I want to learn more. It's not as though I'm unaware that people have affairs all the time, but this kind of long-term involvement seems less common. Where can I talk to other people who carry on a similar lifestyle?

[babycristy456]

Thats interesting... Never heard of something like that. I personally don't agree with it, because although your aunt and her boyfriend are fine with this type of secret relationship, I am sure his wife will not be happy to hear of this. Its very wrong and dishonest on the husband's part...I think they should be ashamed of themselves for holding this "affair" (whether she likes to call it that or not) for so long, Knowing that there is a committed wife on the other end of this who does not know what is going on. The poor wife is living a lie, and I feel sorry for her.

 

 

Sorry I could not shed any light on that situation, but I just had to open my mouth to that... and I apoligize if any offense was taken by my response.

[miracle29]

Wow, I am so impressed that you are trying to help your Aunt see the light. I too have just recently found out that a lot of women will accept this type of relationship as OK...as long as they get some of a mans time. Half a man is better than no man right? WRONG. She needs to find a way to let go. Sadly you can't control this or make her do this. I feel for you watching your aunt play second base and wait and waste her life on a man who may or may not really love her.

 

The family is upset with her, and I do understand this, but you are the bigger person here because you want to help her so badly. I am truly proud of you for this.

 

I want to know from you if you think there is a way to let his wife know about this. I wonder if she knew ...if that would change things. I am not suggesting that you do this, but I often wonder if the wife who had no clue knew..what would happen. Sometimes a person wont stop doing what they are doing until they get busted.

 

I want to know what you think about this.

[SimoneTiger]

Take a look at link removed

 

Reading these forums is guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself...

[Shadows Light]

Interesting link Simone Thanx.

 

IFly.. I applaud your not passing judgement on your aunt. It is after all her life and choices she makes for herself. Doesn't make her any less of an Aunt who loves you. OR anyless of a family member to the rest. Sorry to hear that they are treating her rotten..but thats control for you.

 

Can't remember the name I the book I just recently read. But it had to do with other women. And there were stories in it from both sides.

 

Sometimes the wife knows. And she's relieved. Relieved that she can live her own life in the financial security that she is accustomed to and NOT have to be bothered with the added chore of being intimate with a man when she's not into intimacy. Does that make sense? There are some women who choose to live this life style as married women.. for the benefits they get out of it. And then there are some women who choose to live this life style because of other benefits.

 

What are the other benefits. They get the best of him. They get the guy who wants to have fun, laugh, giggle... jump into the sack and act like a person who doesn't have responsibilities. Even if it is a sur-real world he paints himself for the moment. Does your Aunts MM actually do lawn work, pay for bills, worry about home repairs etc for her. I'd be willing to bet he doesn't. And she's ok with that... because as I said.. she gets the best of him.

 

Look... you are right not to judge. Its their business afterall. You don't know if its working for them... ALL of them.. Wife included. How they live their lives behind closed bedroom doors is non of our business. Right or Wrong. Its their life.

 

And she's still your Aunt.. still a person who is deserving of love, friendship and family life. Its not like she's a burden to the rest of the family is it???? well then?

[novaseeker]

Well, what I say aboiut this kind of thing is the following: everything is okay, if everyone who is impacted by it is okay with it.

 

So, in this case, if the wife, husband and 'mistress' are okay with the arrangement, fine. If the wife is not, and the husband and mistress are deceiving the wife, then it's not okay because they're both doing something that will cause the wife pain.

[Day_Walker]

I think that being a mistress has its benefits, for one thing these type of relationships have passion, lust and excitement. The nature of the relationship just makes the situation volitile. For whatever reason they like that kind of lifestyle.

[RayKay]

Take a look at link removed

 

Reading these forums is guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself...

 

Oh WOW. I just read some of the threads over there and....

 

It's disgusting how they villify the "MW" (married woman/man's wife) and seem to prefer altogether she does not even exist...

[novaseeker]

Take a look at link removed

 

Reading these forums is guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself...

 

Oh WOW. I just read some of the threads over there and....

 

It's disgusting how they villify the "MW" (married woman/man's wife) and seem to prefer altogether she does not even exist...

 

Yes, it's a very disturbing board imo. I mean I agree that when someone cheats it reflects underlying marital problems, but the attitude on that board towards the non-cheating spouse is dismissive and insulting in the extreme.

[RayKay]

Take a look at link removed

 

Reading these forums is guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself...

 

Oh WOW. I just read some of the threads over there and....

 

It's disgusting how they villify the "MW" (married woman/man's wife) and seem to prefer altogether she does not even exist...

 

Yes, it's a very disturbing board imo. I mean I agree that when someone cheats it reflects underlying marital problems, but the attitude on that board towards the non-cheating spouse is dismissive and insulting in the extreme.

 

I think it's also the cavalier attitude - "I could not help falling for a MM, it's not my problem he's married" and so forth.

 

I just don't get it....

 

It reeks of lack of respect not only for yourself, but for your relationship, and marriage, and a whole gamut of other things. If you can't respect at least the "MW", what about the children involved in some of these affairs?

 

Ugh. Gross. I think I better stop reading it!

[spiderman_56]

By reversing the issue on a male side ... I would absolutely have no problem beeing a male gigolo to an "engaged" woman. As most things it presents its pluses and minus ... the relationship is mostly based on fun , activities and get away sex which most of he time is exciting and thriving ..second no worries about financial , emotional responsibilites duties ,all of those stuff that comes in place when the relationship gets much more serious .. thirdly i would be free to pursue other avenues if i want to ...and finally i would be doing mr married a favor by taking care of his woman since he is doing so much of a bad job ... lol ... 8)

 

And as for the disadventages ..well ..besides the fact of beeing gunned down by the other guy i don't see any ..

 

Love does not come in play here , because almost no one can love two people at the same time , it's much more like a mix of intimacy , the feelings of meeting someone new and affection ...

[miracle29]

For those of you who think its funny or amuzing to sleep with or be with another persons spouse , I wish you could have seen the Montel Williams show. He had a show on about Wives who found out about the mistress and husbands who found out about the gigilo and killed them. The even sadder story was the woman who stole (I don't believe you can steal a man but anyhow you get the drift) a man away from her friend and ruined there so called happy home. But here is the kicker, that same man she stole, gave her full blown aids. She stole him just in time for the wife to get away scott free without an std in site. See what goes around comes around and for these people it was a life long lesson that some of them can never come back from. Yeah, I wonder how much lust and excitment shes feeling right now with full blown Aids.

[spiderman_56]

Nowdays , whatever your situation is , you need to protect yourself when getting intimate with someone... It does not matter wheter you are single, divorced , married 16 or 61 ..protect yourself ...

 

The person you are referring to in your post miracle made a stupid mistake and he/she is paying the price of un-protected sex.

 

It has nothing to do with the subject ''why some women will accept to be mistress'

[IFlyNonStop]

miracle29 said

I want to know from you if you think there is a way to let his wife know about this.

 

I am just trying to learn more about this very emotion-filled, complicated situation. I would not take it upon mysdelf to tell the wife, or to interfere in any way. I may be naive, but this whole area is new to me, and I'm just beginning to think more about it. Which is why I am so interested in finding other resources where these issues are discussed.

 

To be clear, I am not in any way trying to condone or justify my aunt's choices, nor do I seek to condemn her. I am trying to keep an open mind, and simply seek a better understanding of the nature of her relationship, because it is something completely foreign to me.

 

To the other people who recommended the "Other Woman" website, thank you. That's a very interesting resource. Any more like it would be very helpful.

[miracle29]

Spiderman, I believe that not only am I on subject but that you of all people need to re-read and re-read that post, because I'd hate to see you on the front of a newspaper, "male gigilo gets murdered by psyco husband" thank about it. This all ties into one subject, I think thats pretty obvious.

 

And most married women and men don't feel the need to protect themselves from their spouses. I know quite a few who would never have to, but sadly I guess, when you have guys that think its ok to sleep with someone elses wife as if its a sport then, I guess some married people are not as safe as we'd like to believe.

[BellaDonna]

What's the story with this? Does anyone understand how this kind of relationship works? What is the benefit to being the "other woman"? Can anyone direct me to any resources which discuss this type of relationship? Websites, forums and discussion groups, etc. that focus on mistresses?

 

I think that a person who is in this situation has low self-esteem. As a result they settle for being a sidedish. I'm sure your aunt would be secretly estatic if this man decided to leave his wife. But she knows he won't. She has convinced herself that she doesn't care. She may get some benefits such as sex and not having to clean up after him like his wife probably does.... She also has a level of independence because she is not fully a legitimate part of his life and has less obilgations. She may also like the attention and the "passion"..... But I think those benefits are far smaller than the costs. At the end of the day I'm sure it's not a good feeling to know you're just a plaything on the side...and when it comes down to it- the mistress has no real place in the person's life. Your aunt likely get thrown to the curb like trash if his spouse ever finds out.

 

I know a woman who I used to work with who has been a "mistress" for almost 10 years. I think it's sad. She even feels like she's "cheating" on this guy if she meets anyone else, yet he's not committed to her obviously. I think it's totally foolish, and the people involved are also fooling themselves to think it's somehow "ok"- but that's just my opinion.

 

 

BellaDonna

[miracle29]

Bella Donna, I agree, and I think you put that so well, i could not have said it better. Very nicely put.

[minnie]

Yes it is so true. I know someone who is the 'mistress' i was out with her once and she began TALKING to another guy. Her 'friend' was there and totally flipped when he saw them!! I was like - What?

 

I really think they convince themselves that they don't care, but they really do. My friend has been on the phone to me moaning that he is not around, that she called and he did't answer, and aint called her back yet. She has even developed hatred for his wife!! The way she speaks about her is like they knew each other and then had an argument and fell out.

 

Then she tries to tell me she dont care.

 

In one sense she says she is glad she is not his wife, cooking, washing for him, and she is glad she is able to tell him to go home when she has had enough of him(?)

 

But i dont really know whether she loves him - she says she does, but she also says she does not WANT to be his wife because 'hes a dog' and would only treat her the same.

 

Its made me realise that people are goona do what they want, what you think does get a look in.

 

I have tried to put myself in that situation to try to understand what they are REALLY feeling - but i cant understand it. I think it is wrong, but me saying that isnt going to make it stop.

 

I believe in Karma