Am i over-reacting

[byates5637]

So heres the short story.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years, but over this last summer we broke up. I tried to get her back, and it took a while but i finnaly did. At first everthing was great but now it has been 2 months and i am starting to have big trust/ jelousy issues with my girlfriend.

 

She has done a bunch of things to make me feel this way. This past weekend we were talking and i asked if she would promise to never cheat on me. She has never cheated on me so far that i know about, but she refused to make this promise to me. She said that she doesnt think she would ever cheat on me, but she cant say for sure what will happen in the future so she wouldnt promise.

 

Then today i started talking to her about how this really bothered me. She tried to tell me not to worry about it, but then she told me that she was going to ask thig guy to go out to dinner with her at this vegitarian resturant because they are both vegitarians. She told me to not worry because she is not attracted to him and she may invite her female vegitarian friend to come along too.

I asked her why she didnt invite me too and she said because i don't like vegitarian food. This is true, however a few weeks ago i told her i would take her out on a date to this same place, but then the night we were going to go she ended up going shopping with a girlfriend instead. So she knows i would of went.

 

I just called her up and confronted her with all this , and i wasn't too nice about it. However, i didnt yell at her or say mean things or anything. We were sopposed to hang out tonight and she just called and said that she didn't want to because she was still mad from my phone call and we would fight all night. But she asked if i wanted to go out to lunch with her tomorow in between classes.

 

There have been a few other things that heppened that i am jelous about too. Nothing too major, just little things like her telling me a friend of mine is cute etc... Do you think my jelousy is justified? Or am i being to insecure and unfare to my girlfriend? what do you think i should do?

[RandomAdvisor]

Sounds to me like you're being very insecure. I can't believe you asked her to promise not to cheat on you. That goes without saying in a commited relationship. If I was her, I would have been very insulted at you asking that. That being said, I'm also surprised at her response. Instead of saying she felt insulted, or just promising not to cheat, she says she can't promise because she doesn't know what she'll do in the future? That sounds like a red flag to me.

 

I'm seeing mixed signals. The fact that she's telling you she's going out to lunch with that guy tells me she has nothing to hide. As far as her telling you she thinks someone else is cute, that all depends on how often it happens I think.

[nsbguy32169]

It seems like she's just going out with you so she doesn't have to be single. I'm getting that from the fact that she said she wouldn't promise you because she doesn't know what will happen in the future so she's just tagging along until something "better" comes along... especially since the two of you broke up and you say that YOU had to work hard to get her back...

[Bigbilly]

Too right. I see big problems here. You just seem to be together so you aren't single ...and yeah, I think that as soon as something "better" comes along, she's gonna split.

 

You're relationship must have ended for a reason, and it sounds like the new relationship isn't held together by much more than spit and tape. Relationships gotta be solid and built on foundations of trust and love, not a fear of being alone.

 

You want my advice. End it. Heal. Learn from it. Move on.

 

End it, because if you don't, I'll bet my firstborn child that she will at some point.

[byates5637]

I have been thinking about ending it for a little bit now. The problem is I really love her and want to make it work. I have come this far, i want to put a little more effort into this before giving up all together and ending it.

 

She has always been a trustworthy girl, it is just lately i have been having these problems. When she said she can't promise she wont cheat on me she gave this weird explanation about how she thinks everyone promises not to cheat on thier partner and alot of people break that promise so she doesnt want to make a promise when she can't predict the future. She said she would never want to cheat on me and she doesnt think she will, she just can't make that promise. She did finnally make the promise today but it was under pressure from me giving her an ultimatum of either her promising or ending the relationship.

 

I know some of you think i should end this, and I am considering it, but it is not something i am going to do just yet. I need to find another way to try and approach this. I might call her tonight and try to have a talk

[FATKID]

Some guy is right about the aversion to the promise as being a red flag. I don't know the future either and wouldn't presume to, but I'm relatively sure that I wouldn't kill my mother with an axe. As funny as that sounds, I'm not trying to be too humorous here. I consider both terrible things and would be confident in saying that I would never do either. Her apprehension at making such a claim is dubious at best and can be justifiably construed on your part as a sign of things to come.

 

Something like that should be a given in any committed relationship, but she should've, at the VERY least, told you that you were silly to even think of such a thing. Her inability to make that promise to you, despite the overbearing nature of your request, would make me question her motives for getting back together with you.

 

While only you and her truly know what's going on, I would advise that you consider moving on. That kind of answer, as silly as the question was, would make me wonder. Perhaps you had reason to worry after all...

 

Either way, I wish you luck.

[byates5637]

I don't know the future either and wouldn't presume to, but I'm relatively sure that I wouldn't kill my mother with an axe.

 

Fat kid i really liked your analogy and thought it would be a good way to explain things to her. unfortunately it back fired.

 

My girlfriend has been friends with this one girl for a long time. She was always a very nice, well educated, down to earth girl. No one could of ever pictured her doing anything bad. Then last year she had a sudden onset of schizophrenia and stabbed her mom in the face.

 

My girlfriend is taking philosophy classes and i think she might of been trying to tell me philisophically that no one can say anything is certain. It still bothers me though.

[melrich]

I don't think that it is fair of you to badger her for an answer to this. There are any number of reasons she may not be comfortable with it. One I can think of is that she may just consider the question demeaning.

 

There is also no point using an analogy that is so extreme because it really just shows the pointlessness of the original question. I mean put it this way, if she gave you that promise are all your insecurities going to go away? That promise m,eans she will never cheat on you?

 

Essentially most people's marriage vows include a public promise of fidelity...you think no one who is married cheats?

[FATKID]

I don't think that it is fair of you to badger her for an answer to this. There are any number of reasons she may not be comfortable with it. One I can think of is that she may just consider the question demeaning.

 

There is also no point using an analogy that is so extreme because it really just shows the pointlessness of the original question. I mean put it this way, if she gave you that promise are all your insecurities going to go away? That promise m,eans she will never cheat on you?

 

Essentially most people's marriage vows include a public promise of fidelity...you think no one who is married cheats?

 

You're right, he should not badger her because of her answer. But questioning it, regardless of the pointlessness of it, might be a good idea if for nothing less than to pinpoint her motives for avoiding such a promise. Granted my analogy was extreme, but I feel it illustrated my point adequately. In my mind, both are terrible things (obviously murdering your Mom in cold blood with a axe is a tad worse ).

 

However, both are things that should be avoided vehemently. Considering this, I would (personally) question her motives behind such an answer. I would, of course, do it respectfully. If I were in this fellow's position, this answer would make me wonder.

 

I agree that there is a very good possibility that she found the question demeaning, as you pointed out. If this is indeed the case, would it not be a much more prudent move on her part to not even dignify such a question with an answer? Instead she said that she doesn't know what she'll do in the future and couldn't promise anything. Likewise, I too have no idea what my next move will be, but my morals will be intact and my judgments will be based on these. Considering this, I can safely say that I won't cheat on my wife. Does this guarantee that I won't do something so abhorrent? No. But I still would (and did with my vows) make such a promise. And I feel confident making such a promise because the person I have always been, am today, and will likely be in the future would not allow such a thing to happen.

 

Promises can and (sometimes) will be broken. However, this fact should do little to diminish the value of the original intention of the promise. That, of course, does not mean empty promises need to be made.

 

I can't help but to wonder that, if the gender roles were reversed, would this be such a pointless question?

 

I'm not saying this guy is over reacting or otherwise. All I'm saying is that he is justified in wanting to know her motives behind this answer. Whether or not he is tactful in the process is entirely up to him.

 

I see your point, though...

[melrich]

All I'm saying is that he is justified in wanting to know her motives behind this answer.

 

Well I agree her answer would have you wondering and the fact is that a question that should never have been asked was asked. So there could be any number of reasons why she responded as she did.

 

For me if I was asked to make that promise in this context, I'd probably do one of two things, not answer and tell the person asking that it is a pointless and demeaning question or pretty well answer it as she did because I'd be angry at the question being asked and I'd just give a literal answer...who knows what will happen in the future. Things may be unlikely even totally remote but they can still happen.

 

But yeah, once the question or request for such a promise is out there it is difficult to turn back time I guess.

[FATKID]

You are placing this situation into a context congruent with your belief structure. And so am I.

 

This fella just has to decide which viewpoint applies to him and run with it. He might have to play clean up a little in order to get a glimpse of her true intentions but, since the damage is done, he likely has no other choice .

 

There is simply no way for either of us to know how she took the question. She may have been offended and gave a cryptic answer. Then again, she may have given an accurate answer that reflects an aversion to commitment.

[melrich]

She may have been offended and gave a cryptic answer. Then again, she may have given an accurate answer that reflects an aversion to commitment.

 

Absolutely.