The relationship is over...I think

[BlossomPStar]

Hi All! I'm new to this forum. I was hoping someone can give me some advice about my situation...here it goes...

 

I have been with my girl for almost 5 yrs. We have been through a lot. We've had a lot of good times but the bad times were more - in my opinion. She posted a message on this forum on Oct. 21 titled "Should I keep fighting or let her go?" This is our first serious relationship (for both of us) and to be honest, I don't have a slightest idea of what to do. I know how I feel, but I don't know how to handle this.

 

About two years into our relationship, my girl became abusive (physically, emotionally, & verbally). Even though I weathered through all that crap, I just can't do it anymore. The whole relationship thing - it's just not there for me anymore. I must say that she HAS been doing better and she hasn't hit me in a while and she has been trying really hard to keep her temper in check - she's doing good. But I feel that it's too late. The damage has been done and I can't see her the same way. I don't trust her and the love I felt for her is dying. I can't see her as my wife anymore, but more like a friend. I have told her all these things but she still feels like there is a fighting chance. I have no faith or hope in the relationship.

 

I feel that she hurt me too much. She was the one person that I trusted the most in my whole life and I gave her all my love - my everything. I tried so hard to make her happy and she threw it all away b/c she let her temper get the best of her. She knew I did not like violence b/c my dad hit me one time - that's why I moved in with her b/c he hit me and I got kicked out of my parents house. Now I'm trying to heal my relationship with my dad after 4 yrs and we're doing good. But my girl knew better. She was suppossed to be the one to protect me and keep me safe and she turned around and became the one I feared most.

 

My big problem is that she wants us to keep fighting to keep the relationship alive. I don't want to. I feel like I let go a long time ago. This was all a big surprise to her b/c I didn't tell her how I felt deep down inside for a long time, but I figured she could tell what she was doing to me everytime she beat me and she saw me break down in front of her. That she could tell how dim the light in my eyes was becoming and how the smile on my face disappeared. I guess she never saw any of that. I don't know how she could hurt me so much when she said she loved me so much. Now, she's trying to change but I don't want it. I think she needs to get help and change, but for her own good, not to try to save the relationship b/c I don't want the relationship anymore. I gave it all I had and now it's gone.

 

We're still living together. The status of the relationship is in the air. I told her I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and that the love I felt for her has died. I don't want to make love to her, I don't like to be all romantic, I sometimes don't even want to be touched. I even told her that I can't see us together in the future and that I think this is a dead attempt. That it's too late. But she won't let go. Should I just break off the relationship once and for all and take some time to myself to heal? I know that I have lost myself COMPLETELY! I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't think she realizes the extent of the damage she caused. She knows she did wrong but she can't possibly phantom what she REALLY did. It's different - being the abuser and the abused. Should I move out? I know this is really hard on her and it really hurts her, but I've been mourning our relationship for the past 2 or 3 yrs. and I can't cry anymore. She just pours out her heart, and I just don't feel a thing. I see her crying, and it doesn't even make me sad. She took all the love I felt for her and turned it into indifference. I don't think it's fair for us to keep on like this - me giving her false hope and her trying to change for me. She needs to change for her. And even though she is changing for the better, it still doesn't make a difference to me.

 

This all sounds stupid b/c I know what I need to do, walk away. But everytime I make up my mind and get determined to just walk away, she convinces me to try again. Am I just doing her an injustice? What do you guys think? Please be honest. Thank you for your time. - Blossom

[UT]

You know what you feel and you know what you want to do. You don't need our approval. Do what's best for you. If there is not love left in you, then her battle to keep you to together is already lost. Follow your heart.

[blueyed99]

If you are certain it's over, you need to take a stand. I know you feel badly and you're afraid of hurting her. Unfortunately, you don't have much of a choice. If she hasn't gotten the hint that things are over and you want out (or if she just isn't being real with herself) you need to do something that will force her to look reality in the face for the way things are, NOT as she would like them to be.

She believes you're saying the things you are because you're angry and upset and hurt but she truly believes she can change your mind, and will. Trust me. What she is believing is what she is seeing. And, what she is seeing is that you're still around. You're still living with her and you're still the person she's coming home to every night.

You need to do something drastic (like moving out) so she knows you're SERIOUS about the irreputable damage that's been done.

 

You need to do what's best for you and stop wasting your time. Like the old saying goes, you only live once and everyday that you're living this "relationship that is headed nowhere but south" is everyday you're not living your life FOR YOU. You deserve to be with someone you want to be with, you deserve to be happy and content in your relationship. You shouldn't be bound to a relationship just because you were with this person for five years. And, you shouldn't feel guilty just because her temper got the best of you and wore you out. She should have controlled her temper before the fact .. before pushing you away. No - driving you away. NOBODY deserves that crap.

If you hurt her in the end, it's too bad. Trust me, it's better than hurting yourself.

[capricornprncess]

hi blossom, i'm sorry abt what happened to you, i've never been in an abusive relationship before,but i do believe that if you are not happy in your current situation, then leave, it is not healthy for you or your g/f to remain there. i would suggest to move out, but do it and dont let her change your mind, she's just manipulating you into staying with her. and it sounds to me like you have your mind set, so all you need to do is just take that extra step forward, take that extra step!

 

i hope everything works out for you, and i am truly sorry that this happened to you,i dont know why people would do such a thing in the first place, it just angers me sometimes, but i think you are one of the bravest people out there! just do what you have to do