This is the end...

[Penny1041]

I had a melt down tonight, as always once I started crying I just couldnt stop. I want to stop and regain my compsure so bad, but I cant?

 

What set me off was an email from a friend.. it was such a nice email, it was the nicest things anyone said( or typed) to me all day. Thats what made me think about the day. My daughter and I are at war and all day she has been hard to deal with. She tells me i am a bad mom and that she hates me... shes just a kid and she doesnt mean it but you hear this all day lon and it starts to get to you.

I went into the bathroom to cry and I couldnt stop, I couldnt get a hold of myself... I want to start cutting myself because that helps me stop crying.. I went to the other bathroom so I wouldnt hurt myself..Then it occures to me, that maybe God is making a path for me to end things.. It will be easier on my kids if I leave this world if they hate me and think I suck. Maybe this was the same thing with my bf who stopped loving me amonth ago. When I want to kill myself, the thing that stops me is how it would hurt the people who love me.. Maybe now that everyone is so tired of me that knowing I took my own life will bring them some relief? Maybe this is it, its time just quit life? I am sooo GREAT at quitting things... I am very serious about this and it makes so much sense. Its been such a bad day.. I am gonna sleep on it. But I honestly I think this is the answer to everything.

 

Penny

[lifeiscash]

Christ sacrificed himself for you on the cross, and your going to repay Him by killing yourself?

 

This is certainly not the answer, I know things are tough right now but time allows things to heal and get better. You will never beable to experience anything different if you end everything right here and now.

Just talk with someone, what harm can that do.. call and ask for help so you can better resolve things in the future.. do this for YOU, because you deserve it.

[JC2006]

There might be unusual things going on in your body that are causing you to feel the need to destroy yourself so strongly. Seek some professional help to see if you're having this problem. Suicide is not the answer to everything.

 

You may have to ask yourself some difficult questions in the coming days. Why do you think people are tired of you? Why do you think your boyfriend stopped loving you? Why do you think you're so great at quitting things?

 

I don't know what your religious beliefs are like -- you did mention God though. I will say this: no matter how bad you think you're feeling right now, an eternity of regret is infinitely worse. Forever is a very, very long time.

[babycristy456]

Hi, and I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I don't want to tell you things to make you feel better, bc I don't know exactly what you are going through. All I can say with all honesty is to hang in there. Suffering is all a part of life. You just reminded me of my mom when we were going through a very tough time. My dad was is near death in the hospital and me and my brother were little kids. Well, eventually my dad survived and got better. but me and my brother's were emotionally broken down. We took alot of our anger out on my mom. I was such a bad kid, (now that I look back on it) I used to tell my mom the meanest things that ever exist. It was much worse and hateful than what you have mentioned. Of course, I am extremely sorry for it, and I know one fact, I have the greatest mom in the world. Your kids feel the same way no matter what they say. They are people too and go through emotional problems and tend to take it out on their parents. Things will get better and you will grow stronger.

I do advise you however to seek a doctor soon bc it can be a depressive problem that can be making you break down over little things.

 

Good luck and hang in there....no one gains by giving up...and remember, someone always has it worse than you no matter how bad your situation may seem.

[UT]

Penny honey, if god would have wanted you to die, wouldn't you already have been dead? Why would he let you go through all this just so that your life could end? You believe in god, he is good not evil. Letting you suffer would be evil. See this as a test. Throughout life we are tested in many different ways. Show that you are strong; show that you can manage this challenge. You can manage it, you are strong enough. Even if you can't see it now in a few years you will look back and you will realize how incredibly strong you were. You can do it honey, don't give up.

[darkblue]

Well if you are religious, you should know that Dante's writings refer to suicide as the only unforgivable sin.

 

That alone should make you reconsider.

 

PM me if you want to talk.

[Bethany]

Your having a rough time, forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect but we all have a choice. We can choose to turn ourselves around, think positively about the future, I know its hard at the moment because your emotions are just worn out but do NOT let them get the better of you.

Talk to the person who mailed you if you need one to one help, they obviously care, or see a doctor and tell him whats been happening in your life. He can give you something to help you through this bad time or just a friendly face who is professional and deals with depression and suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.

Feeling depressed is nothing to be ashamed of but it IS something than can be fixed as soon as you admit that there is something wrong and you have had enough of feeling that way and wont put up with it anymore.

Things will look brighter when you decide its time to love yourself and you will be more able to love your children when you decide to do something Positive.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Sorry your having a tough time right now. things will get better in time you are just going to have to hang in there until the tides turn for you. Your daughter may or may not come around, it is what you do that will change that. Killing yourself is not the answer, you are still young and have allot of living yet to do.

 

Its really hard to get outside of your own head at times.........that is the hardest challenge we all go through in life. strat catching your thoughts as they run through your head and stop yourself from thinking kike that. I know you don't want to hear this (because people label you) but in private...please see a doctor any doctor....let them give you a anti depression pill just for right now. They have come along way, and they do work until you can gather yourself back up and get back in the game of life. Tell your doctor the truth, that way he can help, tell him about your thought and about your cutting.

 

this is a good place to vent, but sometimes depression gets the best of us all. If it means anything to you, even many of our presidents have openly admitted to severe depression. It is almost a way of life now a days, with rising costs of everything. It is just hard to make it in this world sometimes. But if you want to turn your daughter around, you just have to tough it out. We are your friends in here......but you have to start to work on you, no one else will do that for you. Rest nowm and gather your strength, take things very slow. Set small goals for just you, do something nice, for you just for you.

 

You are in my prayers.....these are for you

 

Warm Regards and try and be strong, you can do this.

 

Your new friend

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[avman]

God would not make a path for you to take your own life. But I believe that letter your friend sent may have been prompted by him. It was a kind word meant to brighten your day. And I think God knew that was exactly what you needed at that moment.

 

Kids can be very trying. And they can also be tremendously cruel when they don't get what they want. As a parent, there are going to be plenty of times when you are going to hear "I hate you" from your children. Thats what happens when you set bounds and have to say no. It doesn't really mean that they hate you, what it means is they are not happy with the situation.

 

I think it is time for you to get some counseling for your depression. The melt downs are your body's way of telling you that something is way out of whack. Trust me I know, I had the same problem about 5 years ago. The melt downs were awful and I couldn't control them at all. But with counseling and medication it brought me back to a place where I could enjoy life again.

 

Make that call. Life doesn't have to be this way. See your doctor. Make an appointment with a counselor.

 

And in spite of what they say sometimes, your kids need you.

[Penny1041]

Thanks for all the replies.. I really appreciate everyones help. Last night when I posted, I knew I didnt make a lot of sense, but it was important to me to get it all written down, what I was thinking... I do believe in God and I know its a sin to take your own life. Its just when your hurting so much, you tend justify everything to make killing yourself ok.. does that make sense?

For the record, I am in counceling and I am on anti deoressants. I am taking deakote, Zoloft, and Celixia. None of its helping,seriously.. I am bipolar and I have anxiety attacks daly too.

I love my kids and I know they NEED me, I want to be here for them.. I just cant handle all the pain some times. I just want the hurt to stop and I dont think its gonna.Im not trying to be negitive, I just want to be realistic.

I feel alot better this morning, so well see how the day goes..

Thanks again

[crashingworlds]

Hi Penny, I'm so sorry for your pain. You express yourself well. One thought comes to mind. I want you to remember "Don't put a permanent solution on a temporary problem." We're all had bad relationships, the kids that give us fits, times when the world is caving in, and more. I've been through it too.

 

Penny, taking your life is not the answer. Some day, although far away as it seems now, that daughter is going to want her mother. She will need you to listen to her troubles. She will want you to help with her first born. She will need the stability of knowing mom is always there.

 

Think of some major problem you had last year, or ten years ago. Is the problem still there? Does it matter as much? You are not a bad person. You have just backed your way into a corner and the easiest solution is only appealing because it is easy, not because it is the best one. There is another way. There is help. Reach out. Call your relatives. Call friends. Talk to them. Sometimes just a good ear is all it takes to bring out the sunshine. Good luck.

[darkblue]

The lows are crippling and submission to pain is only too easy.

I'm glad you are feeling better today.

 

How long have you been on the meds and therapy?

Do you feel that therapy helps?