Love triangle?

[abitconfused]

Hi, I'm 27 years old and I thought I'd mostly figured the relationship thing out until I realised that I have very strong feelings for my girlfriend's best friend. I'm gonna call my girlfriend Joe and her best friend Sam. I was in one very long term (3yr) relationship before (besides a few others) and have never cheated on a girlfriend. Up until recently I've hardly even looked at another girl since I've been with Joe (for 4+ years). Joe and I own a house etc together. Joe and Sam have been best friends since school. Sam's sometimes had a boyfriend and sometimes not, I haven't noticed jealousy on my part. Sam, Joe and I have spent a huge amount of time together over the last few years but recently (+-2 months) Sam left to go and live oversease. When Sam left I was inconsolible, which I hadn't expected. I realised then that I had very strong feelings (love) for her and this seems to be at least partially reciprocated. I've tried to let it go but it doesn't seem to help much. Sam and I have had innocently flirtatious periods since we've been friends, which I never really thought about that much until recently, but I believe there's some mutual physical attraction. I'm positive that all three of us really love one another although I'm not sure exatly in what way. I love Joe intensly (and we're very physically attracted) and I don't think my love for her has been badly affected by my realisation, but I think that on some level I was going out with both of them. It so happens that I've been offered a really good job in Sam's part of the world! Joe and I will move there in less than 2 months but I'll be there a few weeks before her! What do I do?

[BellaDonna]

Joe and I will move there in less than 2 months but I'll be there a few weeks before her! What do I do?

 

I wouldn't suggest that you "do" anything.

 

Unless your girlfriend Joe is ok with having an "open" relationship- anything you do otherwise is cheating. I would say that the majority of women in the word are NOT ok with that idea....especially if you want to sleep with their best friend. Has the topic of an open relationship come up in your relationship before? For instance has Joe talked about wanting sex or love with other men while she's with you- have you talked about not being mongamous with her?

 

It sounds like you already have an intent to cheat when you get there by yourself. I think you should be honest with your GF if you have these thoughts of straying. Let her know NOW before you make her move to another part of the world with you. That way, if she's not ok with it- she doesn't have to invest herself, destroy her life and only find out later. ..after she loses her boyfriend and her friend.

 

The other option, instead of telling your GF about these feelings, is to simply exert self-control and forget about doing anything with her friend. You don't HAVE to act on them. Or just don't take the job all together if you think you can't handle the temptation.

 

Be very careful in regards to your actions- you could end up losing a good thing. You might end up without either one of them. If Sam was a true friend- she would not pursue anything with you either.

 

Basically, unless your GF thinks it's "ok" (which I highly doubt she will) you risk destroying your 4 year relationship.

 

 

BellaDonna

[abitconfused]

BellaDonna, Thanks for your reply. When I said "what do I do", I meant it on a level of speaking to one / both of them about it. I wouldn't even consider sex and even if she really loved me, neither would Sam. They're both very open minded, understanding people, but I don't believe that they'd be up for a 3 way relationship, not even sure I'd be, but they may understand? I certainly would NOT be up for an "open" relationship and I think that's different to what's going on here.

What do I do though? It's been 2 months, I've tried not communicating with Sam too much but I still miss her way more than I should.

Maybe 2 weeks after Sam left, Joe knew I was still really badly affected by it and asked me what was up. I told her the truth: that I loved Sam but didn't know how (friend / other) but that it wasn't like I'd ever loved any other friend & that it'd caome as a surprise to me and didn't change the way I felt about her (Joe). weird thing was that she almost seemed more, or at least as, worried about the fact that she thought she and Sam should always be closer than me and Sam, as opposed to being directly worried about her and my relationship!

Please understand that we have a really good, honest relationship. We really love each other and I know she still feels stable and happy even with me having told her that, although than might sound strange. I think she might well get uncomfortable when I leave though (understandably) and she said she'd be a bit jealous of me seeing Sam again sooner than she does (she also misses Sam a huge amount).

Joe wants to move oversease (there) worse than I do and has been planning it for a long time.

[BellaDonna]

Well, you called it "love triangle" and talked about physical attraction to Sam and asked what you should do while you were there for a few weeks alone, so it almost sounded like a something mischievous was in the air.

 

Now that you've provided more details the story is a bit less troubeling to me, but I still don't think the situation is healthy.

 

My best advice would be find what it is about Sam that you "love" so much. What kind of void is she filling inside of you? Is she sweet to you? For instance, nicer than your GF treats you? Or does she make you feel good about yourself? There has to be some quality that draws you to her. When you find out what it is- focus on putting that quality into your own relationship with your GF.

 

I think she might well get uncomfortable when I leave though (understandably) and she said she'd be a bit jealous of me seeing Sam again sooner than she does

 

Do you HAVE to see her wihtin these first few weeks when you're alone? Can you say you're busy getting settled with the new job, and put it off?

 

I think the less contact you have with her- the better- especially when your GF is not there.

 

Sam and I have had innocently flirtatious periods since we've been friends

 

Out of respect for your GF- I would cut out the flirtation, if I were you. It is still possible to have a friendship without innuendos or crossing certain lines verbally.

 

I still think if you are convinced you're in "love" with someone else- it's going to negatively effect your relationship, if not now- then later.

 

 

BellaDonna

[abitconfused]

Thanks for the good advice. I mentioned the physical attraction because I think it's important in understanding the relationships. I don't know exactly what the definition of a love triangle is, but this feels like one right now!

I think Sam and I are really good at having fun together. We sort of thrive on each others energy that way. Joe is a bit more intraverted and fun with her is quite different.

I really like your advice about bringing the missing component into Joe and my relationship. Problem is that I think a large portion of what I miss so much about Sam, and what I feel for her, is fundamental to who she is and how her and I interact. I also respect Sam so much , for who and how she is, although I respect Joe at least as much. They're really very different people although their principles, outlooks on life etc may be similar.

It really worries me that I sometimes feel I've been going out with them both in some way. I've spent a huge amount of time with Sam since Joe and I have been together. I guess I don't want to end up marrying Joe and then realising that I want Sam! It could happen, Joe and Sam won't easily be appart and so neither will Sam and I. and yes, I'd probably end up without either!

What is very worrying is that occasionally when I try to be thoroughly honest with myself I think I'd rather be with Sam (although usually I think Joe). Then I think that maybe I just don't want to face the impossibility of attempting to break up with Joe and go out with Sam, which would probably never happen or at least not for years after breaking up with Joe, even if I definitely wanted to. Am I lying to myself? Also, I really can't tell if some of my feelings for Sam are just because I can probably never have (go out with) her. And I can't know whether Sam and I would actually work as a couple.

It will be almost impossible to avoid Sam while I'm there, we have a very good mutual friend there and it's weeks until Joe arrives!

 

As much as I appreciate BellaDonna's advice (and more of it), IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE TO HAVE ANOTHER GUY'S OPINOIN AS WELL!!

[Celadon]

Yup, I agree with BellaDonna. You're in an explosive situation, and the best thing for you to do is to cut all ties with Sam. Joe and Sam can stay friends and go out together, but since you "love" Sam and are attracted to her, there's no middle ground for you. Stay away from her.

 

I was in a similar situation, but I was Joe. Actually, it killed me to know that my best friend had a thing for my bf. Women expect their friendships with other women to be "safe," like sisters. They are our strength. Please do not jeopardize that for Joe, even though she may seem not too upset about what you told her.

 

The grass is always greener, because we don't know exactly what's on the other side. If what you have with Joe is stable, enjoyable, fulfilling, exciting - stay with her. Judge relationships on their own merits, not comparing them like bananas in the grocery store. Anyone who is attracted to two people at once can be tempted to think about the person they AREN'T dating as the "forbidden fruit." I think that's usually just a deception though.

 

Also, I don't know of many women who would EVER go out with their best friend's ex-bf. That's a real violation of trust.

 

Hope that helps.

[BellaDonna]

I guess I don't want to end up marrying Joe

 

Does Joe know this? 4 years are already taken out of her life (and yours too)....you might want to be honest with her on this one. If you don't have any plans for a future with her- it's best to be honest for both of you.

 

 

BellaDonna

[abitconfused]

I think that last quote is taken a bit out of context? But Joe has always said that she's not sure she believes in marrige and might not even want kids! I'm also not sure, which she knows, so I guess we agree there.

 

Do you guys think it would be the end of the world if I spoke to Sam about it in the same way I spoke to Joe, or even both of them together? I think I might "get it off my chest" then, where as I can't seem to shake the feeling now. Please also understand that Sam, Joe and my lives are completely intertwined. It will be impossile for me not to see her regularly unless I become a complete recluse and anyway I think it would only take a few minutes here and there to keep the feeling going.

 

I feel that I won't be able to rid myself of these emotions without talking to them both about it. I think that they both pretty much know anyway so, as adults, why not talk about it, put it in the open?

I think you're right, even if Sam does have strong feelings for me and I decided I wanted to be with her not Joe, I don't think we would ever, or at least not for years, go out. And anything could happen inbetween. Maybe I just want Sam to know how special she is to me as a person, and it's taboo for me to tell her, maybe that's even where some of these feelings originate?

But do you think it's probable that I'll screw everything up by putting it in the open?