Should I keep fighting or let her go?

[germania120]

I'm a 26 year old female in a committed relationship with another woman. We have been together for almost five years. We met at our local college and haven't been apart since. Soon after we started dating we realized we were meant to be together. At first things were fine, but after about two years, issues and stress began to creep up. Instead of facing them head on, sometimes the issue would be dropped. My temper got the best of me and so did my fists. Sometimes her temper got the best of her. Our relationship has so many stress on it. The fact that we are not out to our families, school, money issues are all killers on our relationship. I know we both love each other very much, but we are just not the same. She would like to walk away instead of dealing with relationship issues, and I would like to work things out and learn how to control my temper and my fists. I know hitting someone is very wrong and I am not a violent person. I just wish she could see that I have changed for the better and she can trust me again. We had been working through our issues and things had been getting better. I feel she is wanting to let go of our relationship because it would be one less stress and worry in her life. I love her so much and I know she still loves me but I also know I broke something inside of her when I started hitting her. Is there anything I can do to prove to her that I've changed? Should I give up on this relationship like she has? Is there a chance that we could get help and stay together? I hate what I did to her and wish I could take all the bad things I did to her back. I love her so much and don't want to lose the best thing that ever came into my life.

[DN]

I know hitting someone is very wrong and I am not a violent person.

I am not trying to be argumentative but you should know that if you hit someone, especially more than once, then you are indeed a violent person. I understand why you think you are not - but in reality you are. What is more important is that she obviously thinks you are. I suggest that until you can realise the contradiction in what you said this:

 

I just wish she could see that I have changed for the better and she can trust me again.

is unlikely to happen, because she will know that you don't understand the nature of your violence.

[Jinx]

I believe the first issue that must be dealt with is the physical violence. Whether you consider yourself violent or not, the violent act still occurred and remains under the same description and criteria for violence. You should possibly consider counseling or support group on Anger Management issues or similar help. You need concrete evidence you've tried to improve, being by yourself will not prove this.

 

Secondly, you've broke her trust as soon as your fist made contact with her body. Trust is not a simple thing to earn once it has been once initially lost and you may never obtain an equal level again, but if you prove to her that you've tried, you can work further on the issue.

 

Thirdly, Next and Last, you two need to have a rational calm sit down talk. These issues must all be addressed. Issues left unresolved have the potential to erode any relationship. If coming out, finances, and education are the main problems see if you two can reach an agreement on them.

 

Coming out is progressive and you two may feel a good deal different on the issue, but if you are able to start with coming out in a single fashion a certain degree of stress will be removed (given individuals are supportive). Once this has been accomplished you can proceed onto coming out at a relationship level. I believe that will probably be the hardest to meet in the middle about if you are at varying levels of security on coming out.

 

Finances and Education. Discuss with her your viewpoint calmly on the topic of money and why it stresses you so, you may find she has some of the same concerns, allow her to express her point of view without interruption then look at potential solutions. This can also be done on the education level of problems. Why is it causing you two as much stress as it has and is there a way you two can equally resolve or attempt to do so while remaining in school.

 

Anyhow, I think the keys to success here are you pursuing a concrete program to help address your problems. Secondly, approach her and have a calm, peaceful, rational, equal listening/speaking type session. Without the yelling or accusations of problems, things will go much smoother. If she becomes aggressive in speech, if you can approach it at a much better level (being calm and caring) she will respect you for that, and you've also helped yourself in taming the temper.

[jna35]

I totally agree with the other posters and think they both answered very thoroughly. This is not meant to be rude in any way, but personally, I don't blame her for leaving. No one wants to be beat upon, especially by someone that "loves" them. I would certainly get help and then perhaps in time your relationship can be mended. I think you are in denial and the first step will be admitting and accepting the fact that you are prone to violence. Good luck to you!