Mixed messages?? Need advice.

[roxy79]

Quick recap: My ex and I broke up Oct. 3. We didn't speak at all except for the phone call I made to him, in which he quickly hung up on me. It has been 2 weeks since then, I called him Monday. We talked for 2hrs on the phone. I felt we were getting somewhere. He never said "no" to any suggestions I made of getting back together or giving it a second try. He told me his fears etc, and I told him mine, but I also reinforced my feelings and hopes.

 

Tuesday he talked to our mutal friend in which he tells her to watch her back, that I'm using her to get back into his life etc. But at one point he did say to her that "we were getting back together." She didn't know if he was joking or not. She calls me Wed. night saying she thinks that my ex has a different interpretation of our phone conversation and to her it doesn't sound like there is any chance of the two of us getting back together.

 

What do I do? Do I call him and ask if he is just leading me on? I feel like he opens up to me and shares feelings with me, but when it comes to his friends, he is a tough guy and tries not to show that he still has feelings for me. What do I do? I want to know if he truly is thinking about getting back together. It's bothering me that I could feel so happy after our conversation, then hear from a friend that it's not what I thought.

 

Any advice please.

[Bethany]

Be strong and go No Contact. I dont think there is much hope and you may have to accept that there is no future between you.

He dumped you so don't let him know how much you hurt inside. Give yourself some time to recover and get your thoughts straight and let your emotions calm down. Go out with mates and have a good time.

[roxy79]

I guess I'm not understanding why I shouldn't be hopefull. We talked for 2 hrs about "us" and what happened between us. If he was so set in his ways about us not getting back together, then why didn't he hang up on me again? Why didn't he just say "no this isn't going to work" when he had numerous opportunities on the phone Monday night to do so?

 

He didn't dump me. I broke it off with him because I was frustrated but we still had contact, hung out etc. Then when I said I still needed some space, he said he never wanted to talk to me again.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I would try to move on and start NC. He was not leading you on, you are reading to much into what he says. He clearly told you he did not want to get back with you. He did not tell you off the bat because in his mind he made it known there was no chance of getting back together. HIm being a tough guy has nothing to do with whether he shows his feelings for you or not, all guys try to act tough, but when they care, they show their feelings for you and leave no doubt in your mind. Meaningful and fullfilling relationships should be so frustrating to the point you had to break up with him. I am sorry you are going through this, break-ups are tough but I think NC is the best way for you to go in this sitatuon. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[Hope75]

Instead of dancing all around the topic and wondering what he is thinking, why don't you just point blank ask him if he is interested in getting back together? Ask if you both were willing to work at the problems that broke you up, would he be willing to give it another try?

 

Then you can get your answer, and not wonder constantly what he's thinking.

[roxy79]

That is EXACTLY what I want to do. My ego has already been shredded to pieces by what has happened between us. I don't see what I have to lose by asking him EXACTLY what I want to know and basically need to know.

 

Do I just ask "Are you interested in getting back together? Do you want to see if we can't smooth things out? Would you like to see if we have a chance?"

[kellbell]

Those are some fair questions to ask Roxy, pretty straight forward. I truly hope things work out for you. Break-ups stink.

[roxy79]

I just feel like this is something I need to do. I want a definite answer cause I feel like he tells me one thing, then tells our friends another. I just want to be done with it so I can move on. And asking him these questions would help me move on.

[Hope75]

Yes, that's exactly what you could say. You really have nothing to lose, and then if that's not what he wants, than you have your answer and you can move on with your life and not wonder.

[roxy79]

So to prepare myself... if he does say "no", what is my response? " Okay thank you, I'm glad I have an answer now. Farewell."

 

And if he says " I dont know." what is my response to that? Cause I do not want to beg and plead with him. Do I say "if you need time to think, I can give you that, but I do not want to be lead on."

 

???

[kellbell]

One more thing, I learned a hard lesson, NEVER go by what friends say. I did that once and it turned out to be a disaster. Go by what the person you are dealing with says and what's in your heart.

 

If he flat out says no, then say "thank you for your honesty, I really appretiate it and thanks for the good times. Maybe I'll see you around some time. Bye."

If he says "I don't know..." Don't let him tapdance around this. He knows, people are always afraid of hurting others. But this will hurt you in the long run the longer this is drawn out, but the sooner you know, the sooner you can get on with your life or the sooner you can repair the relationship. Good luck with everything. Let us know how things turned out.

[DN]

If he says "don't know" then tell him that you love him and want to get back with him but you can't wait forever in limbo. So you should both take some time away from each other - no contact - while he makes up his mind. Put a limit on the time. If before then or at that time he wants to get back together then he should call you and you will start again, with a determination to fix what went wrong and improve what went right.

 

If at the end of that time he does not want to get back together then he should tell you so you can move on. If he still doesn't know you will move on anyway.

 

Don't say this like an ultimatum but as if you are giving him choices while still maintaining some degree of control and dignity.

[roxy79]

Well I did talk to him last night for 30 minutes. I asked him straight out what's happening between us....does he want to work on it and see if we can't smooth things out, or is he forever done and doesnt want to try.

 

Unfortunately he said he did not want to try, but I'm totally okay with it. I said thank you for giving me an answer, now I can move on with my life and find someone else. I said I still care for you and respect you and wish him all the luck and to take care. I also said I hope we can be friends in the future.

 

I'm glad I got my answer and closure. Thanks for you help guys.