does he even love me anymore?

[chelly88]

ok... my boyfriend and I have known each other for 4 yrs and have been dating for over a year and a half. I'm not sure if i'm reading way too far into things, if i'm expecting way too much or if our relationship really is crumbling.

I feel like he doesn't appreciate me at all, I've talked to him about this about two weeks ago and nothing has changed. He never compliments me on my appearance... i mean NEVER... not on clothes, hair... nothing. he doesnt seem to have a problem saying how good looking famous women are but with me.... nothing. he'll say "good job" when i get good marks on exams and papers but even then it sounds forced, like he doesnt mean it. he's not very affectionate with me... i get a quick kiss before i'm off to a class in the morning and a lazy arm put around me when we get home from school and watch t.v. but that's it. the only time he says "I love you" is after sex or just before he drifts off to sleep. he NEVER does anything romantic or sweet... he rarely even holds a door open for me. I wish he would do all this kind of stuff... but he doesnt. I've talked to him about plenty of times in the past and he says he'll try harder but it doesnt even seem as though he's making an effort. i don't know what to do... is this fixable? are we just not meant to be together? I love him so much... i want this to work so bad but it just seems that i'm becoming more and more resentful about everything. I get mad at him now for a lot... pretty much every day I get moody and mad at him...only him, i'm not short with anyone else. i feel like he doesnt care enough to try some of these things.

what should i do or try to fix some of these things?

[RayKay]

Just one question before I answer? Do you do those things for him? And if yes...how much do you, and if no, why not? Not every guy is romantic, not every woman is romantic, and gestures are not only way to show affection.

 

I'll post more once I know what you say to those..though one note first...getting moody and mad is not the way to receive what you want either Would you want to do or say nice things to someone who snaps at you? I know its a reaction to HIM, but it also pushes him away further.

 

It's hard to say if he loves you or not - people love you in their own ways. Just because someone does not love you how they expect you too, does not mean they don't love you with all they have. The question is does what they have fulfill you?

 

It does sound like he may take you for granted, but why I am not sure as I cannot see your relationship myself. If you are ALWAYS there, and do not have your own life, that could be a big part of it though.

 

Don't settle for less than you deserve or want, but also look at what your expectations are and if you find they are fair. It is possible this relationship has run its course, or that he is no longer feeling it, or has doubts, but you need to talk to him about that.

 

Have you talked to him about how this actually makes you FEEL and how HE feels?

[Beec]

Well, you seem to be looking for thigns he is not willing to give you. And, I'd bet that the things you do for him, you think are taken for granted. Are they?

 

If they are, the one sure way to get him to ntoice what you do for him is to stop doing it. Withdraw, back off, be more independent and aloof, maybe be there, but not really be there, maybe not be there as much. There is something to the idea of absense making the heart grow fonder.

 

I also not that surprised, if he is around your age. When I was a a few years older, I dated a wonderful, gorgeous girl, with whom I was in love and infatuated. I thought she was beautiful, etc. But I had a tough time saying it. I also criticized her a lot. Frankly, I kind of thought the moon rose and set over her backside, but I did not act that way.

 

Still, he does say that he loves you. So that makes me think he wants you and does love you. These words do nto come off of a guy's tongue too easily and unelss we really mean it, except for a guy who is really comfortable lying. I don't think that's the case. He is with you all the time, there is no reason for him to say it unless he means it.

 

I wrote earlier today a post about creating obsession. Someone asked how to make him want her more. It might help too.

[chelly88]

i try to do things for him... but lately nothing has happened. i'm in school til 9pm some days and only get one early day a week. I see him every day but nothing special. we never have much time... monday is school from 10:30 until 9pm and when we see each other we go study in the library or computer lab. tuesdays we're done at 11:30 and then i go home. wednesdays i spend the nite at his place and we get off school at 7pm. thursdays i go home after i get off school at 5pm. fridays we're off at 2:30 and never go out because we work together saturday and sunday at 6am. sometimes he wants to go out but i don't because I need my sleep... it can take me a week, with my schedule, to catch up on lost sleep and i'm always exhausted from work and school.

in summer, when we had more time i did do things for him. i'd make him a romantic dinner when he came over after work... but also was hard because he worked up to 70hrs a week and we both live at home. he has done some romantic things... well once. i came home and he was there. there were rose petals all over the house with little notes everywhere and candles. and then he made me dinner. he used to be more affectionate as well, kissing my head all night and holding me, saying he loves me for no reason or at no specific time.

i try not to get moody but after i talked to him about all this and he hasnt changed and i get mad, i dont want to say anything of fear that i sound like a huge nag... then i get angry because he said he would try and he doesnt seem to be.

i've told him how it makes me feel but when we talked about it he got mad because he didnt see anything wrong with it. he thought things were the same as they used to be...

[DN]

The key to getting what you want from a relationship is not so much what you want but how you ask for it.

 

I will send you a pm with some ideas that may help you. But one thing I can say right now is that 'confronting ' him or nagging him is unlikely to work.

[Beec]

'confronting ' him or nagging him is unlikely to work.

 

DN is right about that. Not sure what his suggestions are, but you do need to make him want to do things.

 

One of the other things you may have a problem with is time and how comfortable you are together. If things are too comfy, he does not think he needs to work.