Question for those who successfully get back together

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

It is great to hear poster here-either dumper or dumpee successfully get back together. My ex and I have open up the communication line. We chat like we are together. The only problem is distance.

 

My question is, when both of you already open up the communication line:

 

1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?

 

2. Do you discuss where does both of you stand? Do you say he/she is your boy/girl friend? When is the suitable time to discuss it?

 

3. Is it fulfilling the other emotional needs would add you points?

 

4.When working on to repair in a relationship, should we give undivided attention on what the other said?

 

5. When they want to see you, would you make adjustment to your time schedule in order to meet them online?

 

6. How to overcome communication laziness? Do both of you talk everyday?

 

Thank you.

[Immy]

My boyfriend and I successfully got back together after a split and have never been happier. Howver, you must be very cautious when deciding to get back together because the future quality of the relationship depends on it. I can't really answer all of the questions you have listed there but I'll just give you whatever advice I have from my experience.

 

You must discuss the reasons for the breakup. Absoluely essential. If the reason for the breakup is too sensitive to discuss then there's no way you can have a realtionship because the issue remains and is obviously a contentious issue. If you both discuss it in an adult way without placing blame or throwing around accusations then you've crossed the first hurdle. Take some of the blame-if you really want the relationship to work this shouldn't be to hard.

 

Discuss where you see the relationship going. If you don't see a future then what's the point in investing so much of yourself in it? The process of getting back together, while exhilarating, can be tough on the emotions so you both need to know that the other person is risking just as much as you are by taking the chance.

 

Be cool. I know it sounds silly but if you start getting anxious and stressed about the whole thing it could easily fall to pieces. Just enjoy rekindling the old flame and chatting like old friends again.

 

If it's meant to happen it will happen. Just relax. See where it goes. don't surprise him with a suden suggestion about getting back together. If you like, you can steer the conversation subtly towards the topic if you feel you are not getting anywhere. Then judge by his reaction.

 

anyway, that's about all I can think of for now. Getting back together is a different experience for everyone and it very much depends on how you left the relationship the first time. If it works, it's magic!

Good luck I hope you get what you wish for.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Is this the same dude who broke up with you when you were an exchange student in the UK and would not send back your stuff?

 

 

Well I don't have any personal success stories about getting back together with an ex but I will take a crack at this anyhow...

 

To answer all those questions, it boils down to this, it all depends on what you both want. Because if one person wants to get back together and the other wants to stay on good terms but not necesarrily want back into the relationship then none of those questions can be answered. It all depends on where each you stand.

[Rickster]

Yeah good questions, can't answer them myself so I was just reading on. Any suggestions?

[biacd]

Personally, i would agree that talking about the reasons why u guys broke up is definitely a yes if u ever want to have a hope of getting back together.

 

Without talking it through, you will never know the real reasons for breaking up, and might even repeat the same mistake again if u ever got back together.

 

 

But the thing with me is, how do u talk about the reasons for breaking up when ur ex tells u, "I have no more interest in us anymore"?

 

 

 

i'm confused

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Is this the same dude who broke up with you when you were an exchange student in the UK and would not send back your stuff?

 

Yes, he is. You have a very good memory. We started as friend first. I felt it go too fast at start, now we decided to take it slowly. I would like to know him better, because I did not know him well before I date him.

 

I am learning to communicate with him. During conversation, I try to balance it by asking him to ask me question. And look into what he is concern about. Now, he lets me end the conversation first, which is sort of good. However, he somehow does not like to return emails. Now we text message more. To add, he make effort to comfort me when I need it, so it is a progress though not too much.

 

You must discuss the reasons for the breakup. Absoluely essential. If the reason for the breakup is too sensitive to discuss then there's no way you can have a realtionship because the issue remains and is obviously a contentious issue.

I would like to discuss with him. But when is the suitable time?

 

Discuss where you see the relationship going. If you don't see a future then what's the point in investing so much of yourself in it?

I will invest on it, because I think it is worth it. The main problem is really distance. I think I will have to discuss this to him one day. In the meanwhile, we remain long distance.

 

More advice are welcome. Thank you.

[Ripples]

Good post!

 

From my own experience I would say that if the dumpee were totally honest, they will know why they got dumped. It may take time to find the answers but they will be there. Anyway, during the time that you are apart the most important thing is that the dumpee takes time to improve his/her life. Physical, mental and emotional overhauls are always a good thing but especially at this time.

 

As and when the communication channels are re-opened you will certainly be able to communicate and relate in a very healthy improved way and this will undoubtedly be picked up by the ex. From there if you do eventually meet they will again be pleasantly surprised by how you look too.

 

I tend to think the dumpee has to wait for the dumper to open sensitive topics like why the relationship failed. Once that has happened then you must listen and observe very careful. this is a time for you to reassess things too.

 

But like the previous poster, I agree, if this is something that you think you want and will work, just be patient and gentle. Friendship must preceed relationship.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I think part of the reason is that my visa expires, so I have to leave the country. To add, he also has depression and low self-esteem.

 

Now we would make effort to chat with each other everyday. He even plan to change his phone plan to a cheaper one. However, when I tell him how I feel, and ask his perspective on how he feels about the situation. He would say, "nothing" or "I don't know".

 

To add, he always thinks that I am clever than him. He is an introvert.

 

How to let him open up to me about how he feels? Does male has a hard time to express himself?

 

Thank you.

[Ripples]

This is a tough one.

 

People generally are very complex creatures I guess. Getting the best out of someone will always take time so be prepared for that.

 

I think you need to be careful if you want to encourage him out of his introverted nature. Some people just wont change the way that you want them to but they may respond to certain things in a better way over time. If you want this to work then set yourself a time limit otherwise it will take your life over.

 

You also need to give him space. This is healthy for you as well as him. Dont pressurise him on anything. Dont look for answers. Show him you care by your actions and you must judge him by his actions. Words are not enough. I feel if you back off a little and assume a new life he may well get the kick that he needs to keep you in his life.

 

I know this sounds complex but it is about you, not him. Dont let him pull you into his introverted world. Stay on the outside and let him come into your world.

[nataliejulie]

1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?

We discussed the reason of the break up a few times during our split, while we were having a healthy communication line between us.

 

2. Do you discuss where does both of you stand? Do you say he/she is your boy/girl friend? When is the suitable time to discuss it?

I dated him for a month and after a month, I asked him where do we stand. I told him I didn't want to be with anyone else and I sure was confused on where he wanted to go with this. I waited patiently for him to become very comfortable with me. Things were good when we started dating again, but eventually it became everything I could have ever wanted in a relationship. He was EXTREMELY happy, treating me better than he ever has before... so I thought it was about time to clear the murky water.

 

3. Is it fulfilling the other emotional needs would add you points?

Having patience is the biggest point adder!

 

4.When working on to repair in a relationship, should we give undivided attention on what the other said?

Actually, no. You will drive both of you crazy. The relationship ended because it was too hard of work. I think the trick is to pretend it's new, be carefree, just let yourself enjoy the time between you two. If you keep looking deep into hidden messages, it just becomes messy.

 

5. When they want to see you, would you make adjustment to your time schedule in order to meet them online?

He doesn't go online (?) But considering we both have insane schedules, we make our best to make time for each other... Which is two or three times a week.

 

6. How to overcome communication laziness? Do both of you talk everyday?

It used to be one a week... then three times a week (when we first started dating again). Now we speak every day, maybe once or twice a day. No more than that. I think it's beneficial. Me and my boyfriend have a lot to talk about, keeps things fresh!

[biacd]

Alright! that's some nice replies there

 

 

 

My question is, how do u bring the "1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?" up?

[the_dude007]

Ok, here is a story I told here recently....and reposted:

 

I know a number of people, in all sorts of different situations, who have ended up together after a significant amount of time together. The common thread to most - is that the dumper came back, after a significant amount of time and space on their own.

 

Here are a few of the situations I know:

 

1) My buddy and his g/f are together for under a year. They end up living together near the end. They b/u, she ends up living with another guy, almost right away. The guy is distraught, and makes an a*& of himself for a few weeks. Slowly he starts to recover, the girl ends up leaving the new guy b/c he was not good to her. The ex comes back. Her explanation of the reconciliation to me: once he started to walk away, "I started to realize how much I missed him and how I wanted to be with him." NOTE: the guy really grovelled in this situation Ages: 24 / 25

 

2) Another friends is living with his g/f. She leaves him, does not want to live with him. He ends up living with his parents, and in the time apart he bought a new place, and moved in. Time frame apart was 2 months. He didn't call, talk, anything. Just got his money together and bought a place. She called, they reco'd over a couple of weeks, they now live together and he rents his place he bought. Besr quote from this one: "Be ready for craziness between the ages of 27-30, she is all over the map" His g/f really was confused for a while as to what she wanted to do, etc.....Ages 30 / 32

 

3) Friends I know dated for over a year. She moves away for a few months for school / internship. She breaks it off with a guy she REALLY liked. His brother and new wife set them up. She moves back after school, they start to date again, and them marry two years after first b/u. And are really happy. Ages 29/29

 

4) One couple I know broke up two months away from their wedding. Awful b/u. He moves out of their place, and she is miserable about it. They are apart for three weeks. Families sit them down, they get back together, get married, and just bought their first home. Apart = 2 weeks. Ages 32/32

 

5) My ex/ex, girl I dated two years ago, had dated a guy during her tme in law school. She and I dated for a few months, and broke up. She ended up dating a few guys after that too, sporadically. He dated a few girls. They were apart for over a year. They got back together over a year ago, and are super happy. Ages: 29/29

 

I know a few others too. It happens. A few fell out of love, a few just had disagreements, or timing was not ideal. But they got back together, and ALL are better off. I have on instance of my friends who got back toegther, and they didn't last. But that's one of over 8 stories I could tell fo people tryign againa nd having GREAT results.

 

Something to chew on this Saturday night...

[nataliejulie]

Alright! that's some nice replies there

 

 

 

My question is, how do u bring the "1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?" up?

 

 

Why bring it up and rehash old memories??

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Thank you for all the replies. It really gives me some perspectives.

 

I think I put too much pressure on it. Now, I need to loosen up and give him space. I am not going to contact him until he contact me.

 

I am going to get out today and enjoy myself instead of waiting for him.

[biacd]

Alright! that's some nice replies there

 

 

 

My question is, how do u bring the "1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?" up?

 

 

Why bring it up and rehash old memories??

 

 

 

i dunno, i mean, isn't that what you did?

 

 

 

Quote:

1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?

 

We discussed the reason of the break up a few times during our split, while we were having a healthy communication line between us.

 

 

 

 

i'm much better off now, i don't miss her as much, the "crazy period" is over i guess. but of course i still hope and obviously i don't expect much. but just checking though.

[nataliejulie]

Alright! that's some nice replies there

 

 

 

My question is, how do u bring the "1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?" up?

 

 

Why bring it up and rehash old memories??

 

 

 

i dunno, i mean, isn't that what you did?

 

 

 

Quote:

1. Do you discuss the reason of the break up? When is the suitable time to discuss it?

 

We discussed the reason of the break up a few times during our split, while we were having a healthy communication line between us.

 

 

 

 

i'm much better off now, i don't miss her as much, the "crazy period" is over i guess. but of course i still hope and obviously i don't expect much. but just checking though.

 

 

I never asked or brought it up. He would just come out and tell me how he couldn't be with me because of all the fighting. I would have rather him not because it was really obvious what was wrong in the relationship and I didn't want to bring up memories.. but he still brought it up anyway.

[Ripples]

I agree, dont bring up the old stuff unless they do. If they do then just agree things were tough at the time but hopefully you have both learned from the experience and have become better people as a result. That realtionship is dead and buried. If you get back together it is a brand new thing, a new start and that is what matters now.

 

Being emotionally tough but outwardly gentle is so important at this time.

[Ripples]

Dude 007,

 

they are interesting situations and things that many people on here (including me) can learn from. Despite all the pain it is easy to see how things come around.

 

Life is like a spiral you move away from things but eventually will come back to the same place except this time you have moved on. I like that.

 

Thx for sharing your experiences.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

He text message me yesterday, asked to chat online. I did not request the chat online. Usually, it is me that would request for a chat, even though I do not have much things to say.

 

Yesterday was ok. Mostly, I am talking a lot on what I did that day. I did not ask about what he did that day apart from how is his day. To add, I did not ask about when he will do the things he promised.

 

He gave me a kiss online, which he never did after the break up. I was surprised. However, I did not reply the kiss. Is it the right way to do?

 

I also did not say the i miss you thing. I think I would keep it cool, and not sending the personal letter.

 

My question is should I keep on doing this? Being carefree and not bother about his life. Would such a carefree and not bothering his life deter him from getting closer?

 

Thank you.

[nataliejulie]

Good job! Keep it cool. SERIOUSLY. When I did this, my ex/now bf treated me differently than ever before (in a good way, of course ) Once you start having them chase you, it's a new world and a great feeling.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Thank you. I will do my best and keep myself busy.

 

Let him get as close as he want to be.

[jenny_mcs]

Regarding if you discuss the reasons for the break-up- I say yes, of course, but keep it focused on you! When my ex and I first split (I broke up with him), he would constantly initiate these conversations about our relationship that drove me crazy. He would start off by saying things he wanted to change. But he would *never* leave it there. He would always start poking at me. And that's how it felt, like poking. He would be talking about things he could have done better, but always ended up with "but you did this" and "but you could have done that"

 

Don't do that! If your ex is at all a reasonable person, they know that they have their share of blame. I certainly did, but I was not in a place where I wanted to talk about it. We eventually did NC for a while, and when we started talking again, he didn't bring up anything about the relationship for a while. Slowly, he started mentioning things he wished he had done differently, or how he saw things differently. But it was not the sole focus of conversations. He just brought it up every once in a while.

 

Eventually, when I saw that he wasn't "poking" at me anymore, I started adding things that I could have done differently. That's when the real conversations started up about how we could work together to make things better.

[Rickster]

wow... seems quite true. i mean i think its true. because his poking felt like he was blaming you.

[biacd]

what do u mean by "poking" and "he would never leave it there" ?

[Echo]

I am SO guilty of doing this.."poking" pointing fingers.....but it's not as if I MEAN to do it...I think it's because I am trying to provoke a reaction from him. He won;t give me one and it drives me NUTS. Anyway, I know I need to stop doing this.....and the only way that will work is if I do NC for a while with NO slips. I have to get over it first..THEN attempt to talk.

I really care for this guy and deeply regret things...

I am open to advice from anyone who can help me do this.

Thanks.