He Cheated, I'm afraid to confront it. Help!

[Erin1111]

He actually did end the IMing. He told her many times from the day she started messaging him that she was talking in appropriately, especially for work. (this was a work IM tool) So i guess she started messaging him on his personal MSN which I don't have the chat log for. He did admit to having dirty msn chats with her but said it was mostly for jokes cause it was funny how forward she was. Then later on in the chat log (week4 of 4) he ended the talking all together and said he wanted to end their correspondance completely cause it was inappropriate. He has admiteed to the dirty chat and said he knew that was wrong. And has been working his butt off to make up for that. But swears it was all chatting online. And after seeing her photo I really can not see him even letting her perform oral sex on him.

 

I did some more looking at the chat log and realized the time frame of all this. it took place over the month of August. All the talking went on for about 4 weeks. one week of that she was on the other side of the coast, and the another week he was away with me accross the country. So out of all the time this went on they were only in the same region for 2 weeks.

 

I still want to sit him down and have him explain every line of the chat. Which he offered to do. There is still a lot there that doesn't make sense to me. But I still have a VERY hard time beleiving that he would be with her. He gets disgusted by overweight girls and she is about 230 which is more than he weighs. Its her photo that really has me the most confused here! ( I know how shallow that sounds but she may as well be a man, he really does not like big girls)

 

Why must everything be so complicated!!!

[miracle29]

Its not complicated..Its called.."I know something is up, i know something went down! He is lying, her being fat and coming on to him is nothing. Many men would screw a cat if it had a human face. I don't care what he says...because the text they concured with is so obvious that he can't convince me. I think he is a liar, and she's a desperate floozy. The only thing i think he is telling the truth about is the fact that she is extreemly flitatious and forward. Oh yeah..you better believe it. Other than that, he is using your feelings for him as leverage against your better judgment.

 

The other co-worker is probably another person who fell for her little schemes. I think maybe a surprise visit to the office to see who SHE really is may be your only peace of mind. I feel for you because you love him so much and don't want to lose him or be hurt. But I assure you his story is just that..."A STORY". She was easy, he fell for it and now he's acting defensive because he's guilty and mad that you are on to him. This is typical of most cheaters. They play the "you don't trust me, how sad for me" . Don't fall for this...its all bs.

[RayKay]

Are you truly sure the photo he showed you...is of her?

 

Because it seems confusing even that he refers to his company/job in a way that sort of hints that she is not even aware of his job or where he works..I don't know.

 

Is it possible he showed you a picture of someone to back up his story.

 

Because HONESTLY, the chat sounds like something DID indeed happen, or why did he just go along with it, and ask her "what was on list" and so forth...sorry, but it just seems REALLY fishy and his story does not jive with the chat very well AT all.

[miracle29]

As usual Ray Kay has said it best. I am under the impression that the woman he showed you is not indeed the "real" woman he had on that IM.

 

She practically threw herself at him and also acted desperate giving him her time and dates and availability and even went as far as admitting that she would wait on him ....even if he had backups she was surely waiting for him to finally get to her.

 

Any woman worth her salt, even if she was freaky underneath the surface would make her self less "easy" sounding. She would be more confident and less desperate. But this post isnt about the debate on who thinks who is cheap, i think its about whether the man you love has something fishy going on , or had something fishy going on and as RAY KAY (one of my favorite tell it like it is posters) said, that picture could be a fake, or even worse..he could be making up anything to get himself out of hot water.

 

Those "IM" messages need to be read and re-read until it becomes clear to you as to whether he is guilty or perhaps (and I doubt it) innocent.

 

I feel so badly for you because as I said before, I know you love him and really hope with all your heart that he would never betray your trust...but that message says more than most would want to hear.

 

Also I wanted to point out something to you ..that you might be able to relate to...and others on this forum may also be able to relate to. A lot of times when a man/woman says they hate this they hate that, they'd never date this, they'd never date that... is actually what they go after. For example......

 

1. Men who claim to hate homosexual men, but later come out of the closet guilty of the same deeds they claimed they indeed were against.

 

2. Preachers who are currupted who preach one thing but get caught in the pulpit molesting little children.

 

3. African American Men who scream BLACK POWER (I'm not a racist...my mother is indeed black)...but those same men are married to Caucasion women.

 

4. Men who claim they hate small breast, Red hair, big butts. Those same men date and sleep with the same women they claim they indeed HATE!

 

In other words, a lot of times when someone screams one thing, and are so extreme about "one thing" its that very one thing they will do, have done or long to do. Talk is cheap. Take things for face value, and don't let your love for him keep you in the dark.

 

Now if you still want to be with him after this, then you have that right to make that decision, but don't let him get away with murder. Lay down the law, and stand up for yourself. He needs to be a man and come clean already.

[novaseeker]

My own $0.02 is that something happened ... either in real life, or in cyberland (the IM could be interpreted as referring to cybering, it's at least possible, if unlikely because the descriptions appear to be of real life things rather than cyber, but it's possible) ... but either way some kind of sexual contact was had here, in my opinion.

 

The picture could be a means of duping you.

 

It could also be that if it was cybering, he didnt know how she really looked when they had cybersex.

 

It's hard to tell, but my guess is that you're not getting the full truth from your H.

[sing4u1]

Take it from someone who's been there. Live or cyber, cheating is cheating. Trust is a huge thing to lose. I got early signals and kept it together anyway. Think of your future. How much time in your life are you willing to waste on him?

I was in love. 17 years and many chances later, I finally woke up. Don't let love make you totally blind, deaf and dumb. Get the courage to face it. Do something now before you move in together.

[Erin1111]

As for the picture, that is the one thing I know for certain is true. She does work with him, scattered between the personal messages were technical work related stuff. Plus the username in the messenger and the email in the messenger matched that on her employee file.

 

So I know he really wasn't physically attracted to her. And from some of the other comments he made to her i don't think he really liked or respected her that much either. (who could she is obviously a hoe!) So I don't think it was an emotional connection.

 

What I do think though..... is that you are all right. Something happened. I am finally able to stop denying that. I was a little stressed out this summer and our sex life was well... not good. So I think thats what it was, just sex nothing more. Not that that makes it any better, but I think if he actually loved her it would hurt a lot more.

 

Like I mentioned earlier we are set to move in together and were planning on getting engaged this winter. I do love him, and believe he is my soulmate. If there is any doubt in my mind that this may not have happened I can't give all that up, but I can't go on without certainty in my mind one way or the other. I need to hear him say it. And I'm not letting up until he does, or until he offers an explanation for all of this that is beleivable. I will not go on wondering I need to know one way or the other.

 

The more time I have given this the more I think reality is sinking into him that he can't get out of this. His mood has changed and he is starting to act really remorsefull. He knows I am upset about this and I think he knows he has to come clean. I tried to talk to him about it last night and he said that he would like to do some thinking and go for a walk tonight so we can talk uninterrupted about this. So I am hoping that means hes ready to at least admit it.

 

I think the only way I can ever consider continuing this relationship is if he is 100% honest with me and even then we would be starting back building this relationship from the ground up. There is definitly a long road ahead either way.

 

I think the most importatn thing here is that I am not letting him fool me. I know in my heart that something inappropriate happened between them. Whether it was cyber sex or something more. Either way I will not stand to be treated like that. And he needs to know that.

 

I really believe that this forum and the advice I got here has helped me get to this point. I feel so much stronger now.

 

Thank you all

[BellaDonna]

Like I mentioned earlier we are set to move in together and were planning on getting engaged this winter. I do love him, and believe he is my soulmate.

 

Oh noooooooooooooooooooo

 

 

Either way I will not stand to be treated like that.

 

Well I hope at the very least you will make him show you he's "changed"- by first having him admit everything that went on to the last detail and then apologize. And get him into counseling. If he gets off scotch free- this will only happen again.

 

I was a little stressed out this summer and our sex life was well... not good. So I think thats what it was, just sex nothing more.

 

Just keep in mind that marriage is FOR BETTER OR WORSE. That means if you're having a bad week, a bad summer, or a bad year he can't go fooling around with other women. That is not an appropriate excuse for his behavior. Also although you feel it is "just sex" keep in mind the major violation occurred to your relationship, trust, and your being. What if she had a disease- he could have brought it home to you easily (condoms don't protect against all STD's- and I doubt cybersex was all that occurred) I suppose you're going to move in no matter what- however I would proceed with extreme caution before you accept an engagement ring from this man.

 

I'm hoping you will realize you deserve better before it's too late. Taking him back is your decison, of course. But I'm rooting for you and I hope you'll one day see that should not be taking this kind of crap now, or ever.

 

BellaDonna

[BellaDonna]

His mood has changed and he is starting to act really remorsefull. He knows I am upset about this and I think he knows he has to come clean. I tried to talk to him about it last night and he said that he would like to do some thinking and go for a walk tonight so we can talk uninterrupted about this. So I am hoping that means hes ready to at least admit it

 

I also want to add- is he feeling so terrible because he cheated, or is it because he got caught?

 

Ask yourself what you think would be happening right now if you didn't find what you did and didn't confront him about what you found....it would still be going on....and guiltlessly.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Erin1111]

All good points. I agree problems in our sex life is by no way an excuse but i think its an explanation. Either way Major change is needed!

 

The conversations that I read did show that when we started talking about moving in together and taking it to the next level he broke it off with her. He told her he couldn't talk to her anymore, it wasn't fair to me. And that was the end of the correspondence. This happened about 2 months ago.

 

So again, not an excuse but at least he did stop it on his own.

 

He is back and forth between anger and sadness right now. I don't know whats going on in his head. I you may be right, he is mad that I found out. Probably because it had been done and over with and he had made the decision to move on and still got busted. I can see that anger in him. And all that is mixed with the fact that he feels violated from my very obvious intrusion on his privacy.

 

Too many emotions, I have no idea what to do right now. As far as moving, I think we are going to give it a go, but we will be rebuilding from the ground up. We are currently living together and I have a great job here. But I have no family within 5 hours of here, and a lot of my friends have recently moved out of town for jobs as well. So I really have no where else to go. Not a good reason to move intogether but maybe it wil help us to face this and rebuild if we choose to do so.

 

I may be naieve and stupid but people do make mistakes. And I do believe that our trust can be rebuilt. It won't be instant or easy, but I think given time and counselling we can get through this. But first we have to confront this.

[BellaDonna]

So I really have no where else to go. Not a good reason to move intogether but maybe it wil help us to face this and rebuild if we choose to do so.

 

What about posting an ad looking for a roommate? There are always plenty of people who are looking to room with someone to cut down the costs of living: students, people who are new to the area, etc. You can screen them until you find one you'll get along with.

 

 

BellaDonna