Trust issues... is it always me?

[neonnova]

I've noticed a pattern of trust issues with boyfriends in my life. I've always given them the benefit of the doubt but once lied to, found it impossible to go on because I didn't want to feel "crazy" all the time. Well, as time has gone on I've realized maybe my trust issues have gotten out of hand... or have they? I seem to be one of those people that NEEDS the proof because I always like to give the person the benefit of the doubt.

 

When I was dating my exboyfriend for the 1st year we were living on different sides of the country. I COMPLETELY trusted him and even told him he could see other girls until we could be together... he declined because that would "defeat the purpose" of being together and I was flattered. Eventually I moved to be with him and we lived together for a year. The year was difficult and soon he grew distant. We rarely had sex (maybe once a month) and I started to wonder if something was amiss. There are no women at his job and we live together so I didn't really think he was sleeping with someone else, but thought maybe he was second guessing the relationship.

 

So then I did what I shouldn't ever do. Yes, I read his email. He had given me the password a while back (but probably forgot). There was nothing earth shattering in there but I noticed he had given some girls his AIM name which I found odd since he NEVER has time to talk to me online during the day. Then later I had found out that he was talking with a girl one evening at a club and he neglected to tell her he had a girlfriend. He told her later (or so he says) but I found this all really uncomfortable. I've noticed a lot of small things like this and couldnt bare for it to eat away at me so I just broke it off.

 

He was angry that I looked into his personal email and i can understand why. I guess I just needed to know if there was something to the feelings I was having about the relationship. If it was true he wasnt interested in me anymore and maybe in someone else. I guess at this point in my life I just don't know how to trust someone when I've been lied to so many times.

[notmyself24]

From your experience(s), I suppose you do have reasons not to trust bfs. Why don't you take things slow, maybe with a man closer to you- physically, mentally, & emotionally. Relationships are tough & beautiful too! However, distance can put a strain on them & some men need more attention (if you know what I mean) than others.

 

Not all guys are jerks like that- i guess snooping is wrong- hey, I did it & thats how I found text messages from another female & her number- although they were harmless words (nothing sexual)= I still confronted him & he denied, denied, to no end- well, he admitted it that night & told me it was b/c my ex was calling me (at the time) & he was confused: whatever. The irony is, he told the girl about me that day (before I found out). he says she doesn't come around his work place anymore & I deleted her # from his phone- he didn't mind...now, he lets me know when he's unhappy: which is never b/c I am a great gf.

 

The point is, it happens. Every situation is different- but, the motivation is the same- men stray b/c 1) They feel neglected (bad exscuse), they need to be desired by other woman for attention, their ego, & validation that they are "still" sexy, attractive to opposite sex. 2) They don't necessarily need sex, just that ego boost & fantasy (i.e. porno, or images of gorgeous woman)- he may have been gratifying himself when you were not around by just talking, picturing them since he was chatting online.3) They are bored. Thinking about moving on- this is the worst case senario b/c they will look for another (better) woman behind your back, so they have a fall back when/if he diecides to dump you (his current woman). In that case, you never need a man like that b/c he is pathetic & is affraid of being alone- sad!!!

 

You may ask how I know this- I ask guys (curent bf too) how they operate in reguards to their women/relationships & why they "stray" & I ask them to give an honest answer even if it hurts...some men are simply misogynists (woman haters), that is a fact- read about it- ok...I am focusing too much on the nagative- But, my point about trust- we have all been violated one tie or another. I realize that men think/do completely different from woman. Accept it- it may help you sleep better at night.

 

Don't give up a good guy b/c of jerks in the past. I was giving you worst case senarios so you understand that these things happen- I guess in this day & age we have to be fearless or be alone- I hope I make some sense to you. If not, ask about anyhting you don't understand...take care