Am I trying too hard ?

[Bobby101]

Its been a while since my last post but basically its been 3 months since my breakup with my gf of 2 years. We also lived together which made things even more difficult.

 

I've been to many dark places over the last three months. Faced my demons and learned about myself. Coping with being alone has been difficult though.

 

Done about 4000 miles in my car since we split as I couldn't bear to be in the house on my own. I'm now a bit more comfortable with it but still have moments of pain.

 

I feel like I am over my ex. Don't really think about her at all now. Just feel like she left me and I was forced to deal with all the consequences.

 

I've travelled in the last 3 months on my own. Which was scary as it was thousands and thousands of miles from home. NC with everyone back home. But the expericence was worth it as its helped me feel more comfortable about being on my own.

 

In converse to this I miss not having a gf. I've been involved with 5 other girls since then but nothing has really came of it. Am I trying to hard to replace my ex ?

 

It would make me so happy to find someone that I really got on with.

 

Anyway, suppose I just need to be patient.

[bozman44]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. I myself am now "on my own" after a 9 year relationship (lived together the entire time, never married). We went through 6 months of working on it (counseling, talking) but never did get back together. Now, I'm on day 32 of NC. I'm still in "our" house. Like you, I hate being here. My demons still run deep. I'm not over her. I'm better but not even close to being healed.

 

I've tried dating. Unfortuantely, all I see is my ex. I'd love to have someone to replace her. I miss not having a GF. I miss my ex. Do you still "see" your ex when dating this other women?

 

I was talking to someone last night, and their advice was quit trying. Focus on yourself. The more you try to look for something to replace what you've lost, the more difficult it is and the harder it is to find. Not until you aren't looking, then someone will find you. Continue your journey in life with yourself. The right person is out there. Your paths will cross.

 

Hope I helped a little.

Boz

[The_Doc]

My ex broke our 4 year relationship off at very beginning of April and it hurt like hell.

 

However when I least expected it I met a wonderful girl at a party and fell hopelessly in love.

 

Persevere -- as a friend of mine said in May, 'You never know who will get off the next bus'.

[Beec]

Well, it's been a while since I have had a break up anything like what you are going through. But I think your attitude of keep trying and persevering is good.

 

One of the things I found that was really helpful to me when I was dating was to date multiple women, what I called a rotation. It was even ok for me to begin dating someone I knew was not going to cut it for me. At the start, I was just dating, nothing more. And each date did not have so much importance because I was going to have a different date with a different woman in a few days. I could not see them too often, call them too often or try too hard with anything. Eventually, I'd find that I did not want to call one or see one of them again and without really thinking about it, she was out of the rotation. This happened quickly for some, one or two dates and they were out. It took longer for others. But after three to five dates, I always made a decision whather to continue. If I had to think too much about that decision, then I did not keep dating them. After a while of dating my current girlfriend, the others I just did not want to see as much as I wanted to see her. So, I the rotation was no more, and I just dated her.

[dreamy333]

maybe you should adapt my phrase i used.. are you looking for someone i would say no im waiting to be found and thats how you have to be i dont think its healthy to look i mean you can check out but dont seek seek seek. these things happen when you arent looking

[Bobby101]

Thanks for all your responses guys.

 

Come to think of it, any relationship I have had in the past didn't require this much effort to initiate. So yeah I agree, you've got to leave it to chance.

 

I do think you have got to put yourself out on the shelf though, which I have been doing. Problem is that I don't wanna hurt anyone by dating and dumping. Suppose if you wanna make an omlette you gotta break some shells though ! lol

 

I met this amazing girl on Saturday though but I think I kinda blew it. Not by something I said but, without going into detail, I was taken aback that she liked me and I got abit nervous. Maybe this was a bi-product of my previous rejection.

 

After I've said that though I do feel healed. I know this because I'm excited about meeting someone new. I wish my ex all the best. This all happened for a reason. Just wish I had made a move when I was even VERBALLY asked to on Saturday.

 

She is a friend of a friend, I could ask for her phone number - suppose I've nothing to lose. I am a bit apprehensive though as I could have read this all wrong. Maybe she just wanted a bit of fun, I really dunno.

 

Bozman : I rarely see my ex. To be honest I can't think about her. It takes time...'outta sight outta mind' policy has helped me.

[Ms Omaniac]

ya know...the guy im dating kinda went through what you went through.

 

he got out of a divorce and was pretty much in your shoes. he got separated late last year and his divorce was final in july. the way we met was that he had a personal ad up on yahoo stating he was looking for just friends. and frankly i was too...i didnt think i was ready for a relationship because i had just gotten out of one also.

 

but my god did we click. weve been dating now for 4 months and we're sooo close now. we are both so happy. i know im glad i was there for him when he was sad and alone and i know he's glad he makes me so happy. i havent been this crazy about someone in years.

 

sometimes...it just happens.

 

- ivy

[heloladies21]

No, don't leave it up to chance. You make the life you live and if you want something, go out and get it. It's a lot of work, but the more women you meet, the more of a chance you have of finding someone compatable. You'll get there. 3 months is not a long time. There really are some guys like "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Those are the guys who have some real work to do! lol

[Bobby101]

Yeah points taken, you really do not know what is going to happen unless you try.

 

Heloladies, I agree you got to try many different people. Its the only way you will find someone who is compatible with you.

 

Girl I met on Sat was a bit special though. I was going to ask my friend for her phone number tonight. I just found out that they had kinda been seein each other in the past. Incidentally he is not one of my close friends, but is brothers with my best friend !

 

Makes things complicated, I don't know if I would be into giving someone my ex's phone number !

 

She did come on to me though which is why I'm thinking what I'm thinking now. I dont want to cause friction between everyone so I think its best I leave this. If Im given the opportunity again to meet her in person I will try and see if shes interested.

 

Thanks for your advice again everyone. You are all great ! peace out

[FCTex]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself.

 

Broke up beginning of August, 1.5 year relationship.. Didn't live together officially, but we were at each others places more often than not, everyday, and night.

 

In any instance. I struggled badly the first month. I hadn't moved on, I forced myself to go out. I forced myself to see other women.. It was all faked really.. I did find someone I was attracted too, however I think the means of attraction we find in someone new, this early on, is simply not real. We're attracted to them simply for the sake of not being alone, having someone to confide to, someone to be with, instead of being alone.

 

I desperately wanted this women to NOT be my rebound. What did she end up being? My rebound. I tossed her through all my emotions, my ups and down. I was hot one day, and cold the next. She finally got smart and moved to someone she'd been chasing, and I wasn't upset from it.. Ironically, I was extremely harsh to her to hear all of this, and burned every bridge with her.. Strangely enough, my mysterious ways, and my distance, has seem to brought her back? I'm not intrested, but she contacts me a good amount, and usually to no avail.

 

 

We are trying too hard. I hate to be alone, I had to not have someone. But it's just getting used to it. We had to get used to HAVING someone, before hand, didnt we?

 

Ironically in it all, I've come a bit of a ways from where I was. I've worked on myself, and I think we all need to do that. Forgive ourselves, and make ourselves whole again, before we can try it all again..

 

And for one thing.. I'm not even trying anymore. I've found myself content to be with friends, family, and myself. Yes, I'm proud to say, I'm content right now, more than ever to be alone and do as I please, when I want.. In all of my "not trying", I've had over 4-5 women intrested in me. Some not so strong, others so strong, they range from already making future plans to do things together/trips, to sexual offers already..

 

I'm just playing it all out.. I dont want a girlfriend this soon, the chase it enough to keep me smiling, I'm not ready to wager on my heart..

 

Be weary, and don't try..

[Bobby101]

I really need advice now.

 

Well just to cap off a crazy three months. I am now caught between two brilliant women.

 

Just as quickly as I was dumped my situation has turned around and changed into the opposite with a twist.

 

I previously mentioned the girl from the other week, well I found out yesterday that she liked me and we have been in contact all day...but on Saturday night I met someone I really like too - she is coming to visit me tonight. I dont double date people but I thought the first girl wasnt interested.

 

Obviously i cant let either party know - this is a dangerous game.

 

I suppose Im not really with any one of the two and I can maybe get to know them both before I decided. OMG this is so unbelievable..???

 

help...

[Beec]

Well, I have no problem dating multiple women, in fact, I recommend it. When I was nto invovled, I would try to have what I called a rotation. In the summer and early Fall of 2004, I was dating 4 or so women at about the same time. I might not see one a particular one during a given week, and I probably averaged about 2.5 dates per week. I rarely had two dates with the same woman in the same week. And it worked very well for me. I generally went out on Tuesday, Thursday and Struday with a woman.

 

First, it kept me from being the least bit clingy or needy with any one of these women. I could not call too often, i could not see them too often, I just could not be anythign but aloof with all of them.

 

I also was not getting far sexually with any of them, but that was my one limit. Generally, I find that women think the status defintiely changes by the time you take off your clothes. Since I know that is the expectation, I did not want to do what they were almost sure to consdier cheating.

 

Second, all my choices were kind of made without thinking. When I had a free night, then when I got home I had to make some phone calls. Who I called first, who I wanted to call first, told me who I was interested in the most. I'd think about which one to call, and that probably meant which one I wanted to schedule a date with first, and she was called first. And when I did nto want to call and schedule dates with a woman, then I knew I really did not want to see her again.

 

Now, any one woman can only fit into a rotation for a limtied time period. If you date her five times, you probably should have made up your mind by the end of the fifth date. You either feel she is it for you, or could be it, or you should move on. If at any time you don't want to see her anymore, end it. If at anytime you find that you only want to see one fo them, then end all the others and just see her.

 

When my current gf entered the rotation, I kind of knew she was likely to become the onyl woman in my life. We had a little chemistry. But I was in no rush to be in the relationship with her. I wanted to let it happen or not as it happened. And I also knew the rotation was going to help me not be too clingy, etc. But I knew that my days of havign a rotation were drawing to a close on the day after a rainy night when I was out with another woman. I left my glasses in the last place we were together. The enxt day, I went through the area near the current gf's office, and all I could think of was hoping she did not see me going to get my glasses. I felt like I was almost on a walk of shame. The woman with whom I had been out with also lived and worked nearby, but I did not care too much if she saw me. So, I knew which one was the one I wanted.

 

I would not lie about this, and my current gf knows I did it.

[FCTex]

I'm doing the same thing right now..

 

I have about 3-4 at any given moment, kinda involved in a rotation.

 

I go out about 3 times a week, and I pick one to toss into my weekend royales, as I do enjoy the company of just my friends..

 

However. I'm not doing anything. Infact I fear I'm coming off rude at times.. I'm acting like someone I normally haven't seen coming from myself. I'm very aloof, I'm very mysterious. I dont call back all the time, I don't text... Ironically, they keep coming at me.

 

I haven't ditched any.. I know of some I see nothing going with, but I think I havent said anything, maybe in hopes of something. I don't know what though...

 

 

Best of luck... Moving on is our greatest moment.