How do you learn to forgive yourself?

[Yowser_76]

My story is here for anyone who wants to read it -

 

link removed

 

Anyway, I realised tonight how much I blame myself for what happened. I know he acted badly too but maybe I deserved it. I don't know...I know HE blames me. I regret that I wasn't strong enough to just walk away. I tried so hard to make things better when I should have just given him space. Now I think everything is ruined forever. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again...he said he hates me. It's been two weeks with no contact.

 

My friends tell me that it's not my fault...that I only acted the way I did because I was hurt and trying to fix things, and that there was no reason for him to be as cruel as he was but I don't know. I did push a lot.

 

So how do you forgive yourself? Does anyone know? How do you move on when you think you might have lost the one person you cared about most forever?

[kellbell]

Hey it's me again. Your friends are right. I guess it takes time. Love can be complicated as you know. Come here a lot, there are many people here to give great advice, others here are going through similar things, so it helps to know you are not alone.

[Taomagicdragon]

It takes time, that's all anyone can say. I went through a situation similar in that I became very mad at myself (the sitation was me being abused) and a inferiority complex. I learned, though, that what would my friends do to someone saying to me what I was saying to myself? They would massacre that person and tell them off. So I learned to do the same to that voice in my head.

 

In short: do what your friends would do, care about you.

[Yowser_76]

In short: do what your friends would do, care about you.

 

I'm trying. I know I need time to heal myself. Even if my ex were to come back into my life right now I know that I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with it yet. But I have such a HUGE feeling of loss and I can't help but think it's my own fault.

 

I guess I just need time.

[Ms Omaniac]

hi yowser

 

 

i just read both of your posts. god it was like reading the most awful part of my life. i went through almost exactly the same thing you went through years ago. like you...i was so depressed i couldnt stand it. i had to be institutionalized because i did try to commit suicide. every day was hard to bear...i hated going to sleep and i hated waking up...i hated going to work and i hated weekends. it felt like nothing in my life was great and that id never be happy again. i missed my ex tremendously even though towards the end of our relationship he was sooooo cruel and mean.

 

that was eons ago and it feels like a different lifetime ago. there is hope and i hope you see that. i am sooooooo happy now with someone else. and i remember thinking years ago that id never love another but i was very wrong. what helps is nc and time and then HOPEFULLY meeting a great person that is as decent to you as you are to them. now i finally enjoy life and im glad i didnt die. and i finally am over my ex and want nothing to do with him.

 

he did call again...eventually...but since im finally over him...i didnt talk to him. i...like you...was terrified and deeply saddened thinking he hated me for getting so psycho. now i could care less. ive never acted so irrationally...and i know now...my relationship with him towards the end was very toxic. i have never acted that way since.

 

hang in there...life does get sunnier.

 

- ivy

[armchairshrink]

Yowser, there's a big difference between accepting responsibility for your own actions and beating yourself up.

 

The first step in forgiving yourself is learning to tell the two apart.

 

So, you pushed. That turned out to be a mistake. But that's all it was -- a mistake. And we all make those. And all we can do about them is learn from them and try not to repeat them.

 

You're in a morass of pain right now -- from the big breakup, all the little breakups, the fights, how he treated you, how you responded, the incident with his girlfriend, and everything else that happened. Try to remember that only a little of that pain is your responsibility. In other words, you can only control your own actions, not anyone else's. So don't beat yourself up, and don't accept responsibility for the things you couldn't control.

 

This may not sound helpful, but try to realize that, even had you done everything "right", you would still be in a lot of pain. He broke up with you before you started pushing him.

 

Time is the master healer, but letting go of the past -- realizing that we can't change it -- helps, too. Look forward to the future, and forgive yourself any mistakes you may have made.

 

Here are a few quips that made me think or laugh (or both) during some really nasty breakups:

Look at it as a learning experience.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, hunt it down and drag it back kicking and screaming.
Everybody plays the fool sometimes (This is the name of a song from the 70's, it's got great lyrics. I couldn't find them on the web; PM me if you want them.)

 

I hope this helps. Good luck!

[Yowser_76]

every day was hard to bear...i hated going to sleep and i hated waking up...i hated going to work and i hated weekends. it felt like nothing in my life was great and that id never be happy again. i missed my ex tremendously even though towards the end of our relationship he was sooooo cruel and mean.

 

Ms Omaniac - thats how I've been feeling. I've been hating myself SO much for all the mistakes that I made and for not being stronger. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I think sometimes the worst thing is the feeling of being completely alone...the thought that NOBODY understands what I'm going through. Your story has helped me think that I can get through this and somehow emerge on the other side as a better person...no matter what the outcome with my ex.

 

You're in a morass of pain right now -- from the big breakup, all the little breakups, the fights, how he treated you, how you responded, the incident with his girlfriend, and everything else that happened.

 

Armchairshrink - YIKES, how did I get into this mess!? I know that I'm not the only one responsible for how things turned out...he acted badly too. I DO wish I could have been stronger and had more self control though. Maybe I wouldn't have pushed him so far away. I'm a pretty bighearted person...I forgive and forget pretty easily when I care about someone. But I'm scared he'll never forgive me...that he'll always think of me as his psycho ex and hate me. It probably shouldn't matter to me but for some stupid reason it does. You're right though, I WILL learn from it and know better if I'm ever in another situation like this.

 

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, hunt it down and drag it back kicking and screaming.

 

I LIKE THAT!!! But hang on...I think I practically did it already

[armchairshrink]

I've been hating myself SO much for all the mistakes that I made and for not being stronger.

I know you've heard this before, but don't hate yourself. Truly. The things that you've done do not deserve self-hatred. You may regret your actions or words, you may be painfully embarrassed by them, but your self does not deserve hatred from anyone. Least of all you. Be gentle with yourself.

 

You made mistakes out of love -- and if you have to make mistakes, I think that 's the best reason.

But I'm scared he'll never forgive me...that he'll always think of me as his psycho ex and hate me. It probably shouldn't matter to me but for some stupid reason it does.

It matters because you still love him. Don't worry; eventually you'll both calm down, and you'll both be able to see the situation in perspective. When he grows up a bit, he'll also understand that you did what you did because you love him and didn't want to lose him. He'll forgive you in time.

 

More importantly, you'll forgive yourself in time, too. Hang in there.

[armchairshrink]

Oh, and if you liked "If you love something," then you might like this:

 

"No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry. Unless, of course, they beat you with a shoe."

 

Find this quote and other similarly twisted ones at

 

link removed

 

because, really, "The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed... "

 

Take care!

[Yowser_76]

Thank you so much for your kind words

 

This week has been SOOO tough for me. I think if it wasn't for this board and the incredible support of my family and friends I wouldn't have made it this far. I guess the old saying is true - what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

 

I don't blame myself quite as much now that I've had time to calm down a bit, but I still really regret the way I acted. I loved him so much and was so scared of losing him from my life...I did everything I could to just be close to him. Worked well huh? It's been nearly three weeks now and I haven't heard a word from him. I miss him so much I ache inside.

 

When he grows up a bit, he'll also understand that you did what you did because you love him and didn't want to lose him. He'll forgive you in time.

 

Armchairshrink I pray that you're right. I know that it's going to take time...something we both need badly. He told me that he needs time and space to work out how he feels and I hope that was the truth...I hope one day he'll contact me. I don't expect him to rush back into my life or anything, I'd just like some small sign that he still cares. Feeling like he hates me and NEVER wants to have contact with me again is truly awful.

 

Oh, and thanks for that link by the way, it gave me a good laugh...

 

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean you can't call them in a drunken rage everyday at 3 am until they do"

 

...ah well, at least I didn't do THAT

 

Sam

[Yowser_76]

Well, here I am again. I guess writing here, even if no-one replies, is therapeutic.

 

I'm well into week 3 of NC and it's still hard. Last week was the low point for me. I think the reality of everything finally hit me and to be honest, it was like being hit by a truck. My whole world caved in on me. All I could think about was all the things I'd done wrong to drive him away, how much he hates me and that I'll never hear from him again. I was a mess.

 

This week I'm doing a bit better. I'm still down and it's still hard but I've started to rememeber that it isn't all my fault. While I acted badly, sending a LOT of lessages and trying so hard, he acted badly too. At times he was downright cruel and nasty, and I didn't always deserve it. In fact before our last fight when he told me he hates me, I hadn't had any contact with him for ten days. I know it can't be up to me to try and make things right anymore.

 

I'm still worried though...I can't help it. I know I need time to heal, but I also know that in time I'll be able to put all this behind me. I'm a very forgiving person. After everything that's happened my ex still means a lot to me...I will never hate him. God knows, it would be easier if I did, but I can't. I'd like to think that one day down the track he and I will be able to have a fresh start, to be friends or whatever it leads to. But I worry that HE DOES hate me, that he'll never forgive me and I'll never hear from him again. After being so close to someone for five years, that's a pretty awful thought. I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

[sprocc]

wow.........

what can i say.... from what i've read of your posts i think it's safe to say i've been in a very similar situation all this past year....

 

i don't really have any advice, but i guess i just want to say how much it has helped settle my mind to know that im not the only one who has had this kind of experience with their ex.....

 

After everything that's happened my ex still means a lot to me...I will never hate him. God knows, it would be easier if I did, but I can't. I'd like to think that one day down the track he and I will be able to have a fresh start, to be friends or whatever it leads to. But I worry that HE DOES hate me, that he'll never forgive me and I'll never hear from him again

 

you've practically taken the words right out of my mouth, after evey mean thing my ex has said and done i've always forgiven him thinking it was my fault anyway - he's said quite a few nasty things after i've gotten a bit upset trying to talk to him and so forth, (but he somehow always manages to forgive me long enough to sleep with me a few weeks later.... stupid of me i know but i still do care for him alot even though i know i shouldn't)

 

anyway i kind of want to go into more detail because what im saying probably doesn't make much sense (its quite early in the morning where i am) but that might take a while and this post isn't really supose to be about me! lol (FYI -my story as all over the place in various posts)

 

but right now im kind of in limbo and i worry all the time about exactly what you've said -

I worry that HE DOES hate me, that he'll never forgive me and I'll never hear from him again

 

but i guess only time will tell.... it's my birthday in a month and i wonder if he'll contact me in anyway to say happy birthday.... silly huh

 

but whether we talk again is really up to him now, im kind of at the stage where i've realised my behaviour towards him and whats been going on has got to stop and even though i don't want to leave our relationship on a sour note i think i've pushed him so far that there's nothing i can do to make ammends until he forgives me enough to talk to me again....

 

sorry if this all seems like a whole lot of babble, my minds in a bit of a jumble at the moment