At the stage where I need help

[cynical76]

I've been looking at this forum for the past few months and could do with some objective support.

 

I was with my ex for seven years. In April I found out he had been seeing someone else for two weeks or so. My world collapsed. I cried, he cried. He said he didn't want to throw what we had away. We talked and talked. Eventually he said he wanted to split and he went away to India for three months. I tried to get my head around it while he was away.

 

Then he came back early and said he'd changed his mind and wanted to come home and try again. We had a massive chat where I told him that he would have to change, he would have to be 100% committed to a future with me and prove he loves me etc. If he wasn't prepared to do that then I was determined to end it once and for all.

 

Three days (yes, three whole days he 'tried') he started to pull away and I ended it. He moved to his brothers but is still working in my town.

 

This was about two months ago and I'm struggling. I miss him so much it hurts every day. I dream about him.

 

I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else (the girl he cheated on me with). Knowing he's so near yet so far hurts so much. and I'm living in what was our home of four years.

 

I can't move until the fixed lease is up in February. I have his stuff here still (he's taken some of it).

 

He's called a few times to 'see how I am', I've said I want to be friends. But I'm so hurt sometimes i can barely breathe. I've been with him for a quarter of my life.

 

We were together through so much - my dad died, i had an abortion, then all the usual day to day stuff. It wasn't perfect, I was always more into him than he was into me (barring the first year which was pretty damn perfect).

 

I don't know what I'm asking for. I know it's over. I know it has to be over. It wasn't healthy for me, I was making myself ill, I hung on for so long and then I had to stop.

 

He just didn't love me enough. He's not a bad person, I don't hate him. I still love him. I don't idealise him.

 

I've been dating, going out with friends, going to work, doing small things to try and make myself better. But I keep coming to dead ends. Days when things look so black I can't imagine why I'm bothering to put one foot in front of the other.

 

Would love to hear from someone with a new perspective/advice/experience. Hope you guys will welcome me here.

[annie24]

Welcome to eNotalone - I'm so sorry! Your story is very sad. I think you're doing the right thing and you have a good overall mindset. It was 7 years, and you're not going to get over it immediately, but it seems you are well on your way.

 

My one suggestion, tell him to pick up the rest of his stuff, so you don't have to look at it lying around the house. Tell him he has 2 weeks, otherwise, you will box it up and give it to charity. It must be hard to look at all those reminders of him around your home. Once his stuff is gone, rearrange things - I think it will help you feel better.

 

Take care and PM me if you ever need to talk.

[cynical76]

Thanks annie.

 

I am trying but some days I don't think I'm dealing with it at all well. I'm one of those people who finds it hard to let go and I just keep thinking and thinking.

 

When we had problems during the relationship (we nearly split another couple of times at his instigation) I used to blame it on myself. I used to think if I could say the right thing, look the right way, be who he wanted me to be then we would make it.

 

Then this last time it's like I got tired of doing that. I just thought if he doesn't love me enough so be it. It's not anything I've done wrong, right? Plus this was the first time he cheated. I never thought he would do anything like that, nor did anyone else. Everyone was soooo shocked. Just shows, you never really know people.

 

I have actually chucked away some of his stuff because he wasn't sorting it out and he came to get some. But there's a few boxes left. And it hurts to see it. Yet at the same time, it's the last link I have with him. Once he's been to get that there's REALLY no reason to ever see him again.

 

I just wish there was a way to turn the hurt off. And I'm spending way too much time brooding I know I am. Just sometimes, I need someone to tell me that it won't always be this way, that I will get through this. I tell myself every day, but it doesn't stop the bad, black moments.

 

Anyway, thanks for replying Annie. Sorry to have gone on, once you start it's difficult to stop hey?

[ElektraHere]

Hi,

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is painful and you feel that you will never recover. The thing is YOU WILL.

 

He is tugging at your heart strings and it is time to cut them for good. If he is unwilling to get his things from you then tell him he has 1 week if he doesnt come and get them you will either donate to a charity or throw them out. As for your place yes you should move when February rolls around in the meantime. Paint, move the furniture around, get new curtains or something that will change the environment. That way it is YOUR space and not the space you used to share with him.

 

You need to stop seeing, talking, and worrying about him because he is gone and you have to know you will find someone who will show you all the things he didnt. It will get better I promise you that!!!!

[ElektraHere]

You can also PM me whenever you need someone to talk to. I have gone through what you have and I can be someone you can vent to.

[cynical76]

thanks for the replies

 

I constantly wonder whether he still thinks about me too. I mean it's not possible to be with someone for so long, live with them for six and a half years and then just get over it. Or is it?

 

I'm pretty good with not ringing him, something I NEVER thought I'd be able to do. I'm used to talking to him loads every day, seeing him every night and morning, you know how it is. But I'm managing not to call him.

 

But I do look at my phone quite a lot, wondering whether he'll call, wondering whether it means anything when he does call, whether he's just feeling guilty and sorry for me, or whether it means he still loves me somewhere, some how.

 

I'm also finding music very difficult. Haven;t been able to listen to coldplay since, and I have to leave the room if James Blunt comes on. So much HURTS.

 

How long does it take to get past this? To be able to breathe again?

[sidehop]

Hang in there...seven years is definitely a long time but it doesn't mean it'll take another seven years to heal. Keep the good memories and hope the time will allow you to look to a brighter future real soon.

[rascal]

be tough, cynical. i know it sucks. i too am trying to recover from an 8 year relationship. i'm on my 4th month of NC and it hurts like it was yesterday. i know i am doing the right thing and that someday i will be glad i did. i try to think of where i'll be in my life a year from now. sometimes that helps. just be strong and stay tough. don't you dare call him and show him how crushed you are. we can all be pretty tough when we want to be, be that way now. how old are you, btw?

 

elektra:

thanks for the kind words in your other post. i don't know how to "pm" but would like to sometime. same goes for you e, how old?

[cynical76]

I'm 29. He's almost 33. I always thought I'd be more in control by this age, that I would have figured stuff out and that nothing could surprise me. Ha.

 

I caved yesterday, totally bizarrely. I was doing fine (well, alright) and I just picked up the phone and called him out of nowhere, it was like an automatic reflex type thing.

 

He sounded happy to hear from me, but only in a friends type way. The distance between us is immense now. It's so hard to understand that things have changed so much. he's doing fine of course, couldn't be happier etc etc. so we hung up and I cried at my desk like a five year old. It just feels so saaaaad.

 

I wish I could be angry. Anything is better than feeling this sad. And at least if you're angry it motivates you to do stuff. At the moment I'm motivated for nothing except going home and drinking a bottle of wine.

 

Kind of wish I hadn't now, my head's still hurting!

 

Anyway, thanks all for your comments. From what I've read on here, I'm likely to be berated for breaking the no contact thing, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Having said that, will try again from now on not to contact him and not to think about him as having anything to do with me.

 

It is difficult though because I walked past a restaurant we used to go to last night and he was in there, couldn't see who with but I'm willing to bet my month's wages it was her. Can you people actually HEAR my heart breaking?

 

rascal, how old are you? Actually what sex are you also. I like to know who's giving me good advice!

[rascal]

im a 39 year old guy.

 

i'm trying to get over the love of my life. been doing NC for 3 months, and I highly suggest the same for you. mine was 8years, off and on, but i think i have really blown it this time. i miss her so much, my office looks out at her apartment building, i know she is with another guy, and she never officially said goodbye, it's over, get lost. but i suppose she is doing that by not contacting me, and seeing someone else.

 

it's so hard, cyn, i know. i was a zombie for most of the summer. so you better hold on tight, b/c it gets worse b4 it gets better. but DON'T CALL. i have made it, so can you. and although i am better than i was back in july or even august, i'm still fighting the urge to do exactly what you did. just make a random, tuesday afternoon call to her. but you have to fight those urges. please, trust me on this. i too had crying fits in the bathroom, and i'm a guy! it sux, i know. but you have to fight against it every day.

 

i would also suggest you picking up the book, "it's called a breakup because it's broken." i read it, again, I'M A GUY, but i was desperate to do whatever it took to stop feeling this way. and you know what? it worked, just for a little while.

 

good luck and keep me posted.

 

your new friend in pain,

 

r

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

In order to "pm", you have to login into the forum. Then, there is several button show the end of each post. There is a rectangle button with a "PM" word.

Click on it, then you could "private message" another member.

 

By the way, do you know what does "S.O" means? I have been reading it a lot, but can't figure out what it refer to.

 

Thanks.[/b]

[annie24]

SO = Significant Other

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Thanks.

[happythoughts]

Hi there,

 

Just hang in there - you are doing really well even if it doesn't feel like it. There's no wonder that you feel like you've had your heart ripped out - seven years is a long time and the fact he's with someone else must hurt like hell. But hang in there - it will get better I promise. And don't worry that you called him - you are going to cave in sometimes, it's just human nature.

 

I caved in lots - always strong on the phone, friendly and bubbly, then would break my heart and sob into a pillow. That was over 18 months ago and things are so much better but I still have my off days.

 

All this pain will become a distant haze I promise but you just have to go thorugh it, painful as it is. There's nothing you can do to speed up the process, just let it wash over you and try and function as best as you can.

 

His relationship with her won't last - it's a rebound. He is basically trying to not think about what just happened with you two. It is impossible not to have feelings after seven years together. If it's any consolation, I have two male friends who ended similar length relationships and jumped into other ones - one of them took two years to get over losing the first girl and the other one is still not over it, four years on. It doesn't matter who they've been sleeping with.

 

Hang in there, allow yourself to cry, you will be okay xxxxx

[cynical76]

Thanks everyone for your messages.

 

happythoughts - very strange but I haven't been on here for a few days and thought I'd just have a look and your post jumped out and spoke right to me! I've just seen him this lunchtime, he called by to say hi and then proceeded to tell me lots more about him and her. so what you said was very timely and helps. Thanks

 

I have a feeling he was feeling guilty and wanted me to say it's fine that he's with her so soon after finishing with me. Of course when we split he said it wasn't about anyone else, he didn't want a girlfriend, he wanted to live abroad etc. Yeah, right. He's come back and is living the exact same life but has just swapped partners. What's the point in that?

 

He's chucked away everything we had and for what? Yet I still can't feel much anger towards him. Now her. That's a different story. I could kick her @ss to kingdom come and probably will if I ever see her. It just hurts soooooooo much.

 

When my dad died I thought I'll never feel this bad again but bizarrely I do, I feel like not only am I lonely for my dad (he died four years ago) but I'm lonely for my ex. My whole life seems to consist of yearning for people who are never coming back for one reason or another.

 

Just venting really, any more input - or just sympathy - would be good.

 

Thanks for reading.

[cinderella jones]

Hey,

 

wow you sound like me when i was in an eight year relationship. I am truly sorry for your pain. I know that feeling all too well. I was once in a relationship that lasted for eight years and I actually physically caught him in bed with another woman. Trust me when i tell you that when you catch them in the act it is a whole different ball game. Anyway i was hurt for a very long time. I couldn't motivate myself to do anything and i began gaining weight. Once I realized that I got really angry..not only at him..but at myself for allowing someone else who didn't care about hurting me continue hurting me and not allowing myself to be happy which is what i deserved. I just realized that I was beautiful both inside and out and that there was more in store for me in life than drama, and dealing with feelings of insecurity about myself. I grew tired of my weak ways and I began to realize that it was him who actually lost out on someone wonderful...you have to realize and have faith in yourself that you are the prize..not him.. You should always be the prize...remember that! Don't allow him to make you feel insecure about yourself....don't give him that power...women are the powerful one's....and when you learn to use your power you can then begin to rise above all of this and drive your life the way you want it driven....Also remember that nothing good will come out of a relationship that started off with drama. This girl might be here now...but she too will be just another woman to him...people like him never change.....again ..I have been hurt many times before and when you are ready you will begin to learn a lot about yourself and will begin to go for those qualities you are looking for in life and in a relationship. PM me whenever you want to chat ...I have a lot of knowledge about this...lol...take care of yourself.

[Hunterboyhun2]

Yeah, this whole losing people thing really is one of life's biggest hurts. There really is no shortcut. Some peope will say do NC, some will say join a gym, some will say drink, some will say don't drink. In the end, all of that stuff is useful or not useful case by case. If you want to join a gym or drink or contact, you will anyway. Here's the thing... only time can help you.

 

After 3-4 months you will think you are feeling stronger and beginning to get over them, but then all of a sudden something will set you off and you'll cry and be a basket case again. After 1 year you'll think 'well this is one year it's enough time to be over someone right?' but then those same seasonal smells and special occasions and shifts in weather come back and it's like a series of anniversaries of the time just before you lost them. And again you cry and become a basket case. Maybe after 1 year you'll call them, for anniversary, birthday, christmas, whatever... maybe you won't... but you WILL be able to get through the odd day or two without falling apart at the seams. And presumably it gets easier to function with every month that passes after that. Thing is time will pass and life's currents WILL carry you someplace else, to other people. I guarantee it. But in the meantime, you get by any way you can... feel sad... it's ok... it's going to happen anyway. You'll make more 'mistakes' like calling or txting him, and he may even come back (for a little while) but you're already on a strange rollercoaster ride of identity, past, future and present. When the smoke clears you'll still be alive and be able to look back on the time with him with fondness and remember only the good things. In the meantime, stay alive... keep it together as much as you can and trust that time is already mending your broken pieces of heart.

 

Luck.

[Hunterboyhun2]

p.s.

 

don't be surprised if it takes you 5-10 years to find someone else that will make you feel good... and even then, it won't be the same. That person you lost may well have been the love of your life. He/she may not. But That's something you'll see in perspective down the road anyway. In the meantime concede that it may be 5-10 years before you find someone else (in all likelihood it won't be that long... maybe 1-2 years, maybe 3) and GIVE yourself that time. Take comfort in the fact that it will come around and that you'll probably still be young enough to enjoy another 8, 9, 10.... 30 years with the next person. And this time you'll remember how you took the last one for granted and taste each moment this time a little sweeter a little longer, you'll be more conscious of savouring time, this time.

 

If you allow yourself to 'blow' the next 5-10 years of your life without finding anybody, you may find some calm in that and time, chance, and other people will take care of the rest. It only takes 1 minute to meet someone you like and strike up a conversation with them. Imagine how many minutes there are in the next 10 years.

 

So many chances.

 

And in the end you'll always cherish your old partner. Memories of them will bring you happiness even when they themselves are long gone. That's your ongoing gift to each other. Enjoy them. Be proud of having been with them in the first place. It was a good thing you created.

 

Bye.

[cynical76]

OK, i have an update. Bizarre update but update nontheless.

 

Although I had suspicions he was with this girl that he cheated on me with I guess i didn't have 100% proof. But I knew it in my heart and I made myself think it to protect myself. Anyway, I met my ex last week when he turned up outside my work.

 

He confirmed that he had slept with this girl a few times and I read that (I think correctly) as they are in a proper relationship, he has definitely moved on and he either wanted me to know to alleviate some of his guilt, or he felt sorry for me and wanted to tell me himself, even though I kind of knew.

 

So I thought screw this, I'll HAVE to get over him, I need to get over him. So I arranged a date with this guy for yesterday.

 

I felt sad but determined to move on, not with a new boyfriend, but just to go and meet other people.

 

So the day of the date came. And my ex called round out of the blue a few hours before to pick up some mail (he said). So we were chatting because I'm not a maliciious person and it's not in me to tell him to just do one.

 

And he sat down and said to me: How would you feel if I asked if you wanted to give it another go?

 

What the hell? I mean, we've been here, done this. he came back before and then went again.

 

So I said, there's no way I'm putting myself in that position again. He said he'd been thinking about settling down and he wanted to do that with someone he loves (ie. me).

 

I kind of brushed it off and said maybe we should just hang out a bit more on no kind of relationship basis.

 

So i bumped into him today (I never do that normally) and he said could he come round tonight. So he came and we just chatted and had dinner. He left pretty early.

 

Question: Is he just missing the familiar? Has he realised he can't live without me? Does he just not like me dating other people? Or none of the above?

 

Any men out there who could translate what I see as total nuttiness, comments gratefully received. And women too of course.

 

Honestly, I don't understand any of this.

 

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks loads for reading.

 

And thanks to everyone who has posted so far. This site really does help.

[rascal]

Cyn,

 

Wow, that's a tough one. If it were me, I'd give him another chance. Seriously, what do you have to lose? It sounds like you still love him so I say yes! Just be careful.

[rascal]

update?

[cynical76]

Hi Rascal

 

Update: We're talking still. I guess we're going to give it another go. I have no idea if it can work. A lot has happened in the last few months and I just don't know. But I think we're going to try.

 

The trouble is I don't know if I can trust him, and I don't want to go back into it feeling that way because it will be one, big, miserable drama. And I don't want that.

 

But I love him, and these things are never simple. Overall I think I would regret it if I didn't try again. I don't want to look back and wish I had.

 

But I have a feeling most people will think I"m being an idiot. But I guess if everyone acted logically then there would be fewer relationships around of any sort.

 

We're taking it slow, and we're not moving back in together. In fact, we're having a few days not seeing each other because we're both so busy. You know how it is when you're single, you have all these things to do suddenly. So I'm going to carry on doing them, living my life my way, and hope this works out as well.

 

But at least I know I can live without him if I have to. And if there's a sign of things going wrong, I'm out. No more second chances after this.

 

Wish me luck!

 

How's things with you?

[needhelp]

I know exactly how you feel. i told myself the same thing.. give him one more chance and the first time he messes up im out the door.. but guess what babes..its so hard..you find you give them chance after chance beacuse you hope that you didnt go back for nothing..

I wish you well.. I really wish we lived closer as i think having people around you going through something similar is great support..Take care and keep us updated.

[cynical76]

So he came back last week and said he wanted a new start, that he loved me and missed me and wanted to settle down.

 

And now, tonight he has gone again. Left me in tears again. I feel terrible. He said it felt too weird and it was doing his head in and just left. Just like that. And it's his birthday tomorrow.

 

And I just tried to call him and he was horrible, harsh and cold like it's all my fault. Like I forced him to come back at knife point. It was so not like that. He came back to me again. He said he wanted to make a go of it. And now he's gone again.

 

I don't understand what happened, I don't understand how he can be so cruel to me, after everything that's happened. He promised that he would never treat me like this again. He promised. And he just left again. I hate how he just leaves, just f*cks me up and walks out because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout.

 

I feel awful, so low. I don't know how I'm going to do this. i don't know how I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work. I don't know what to do. I even texted him after that horrible phone call. I just want to make it right, I just want him to love me again and to get back what we had.

 

Why, why, why would he come back and tell me everything I want to hear and then do this again. Even more callously than the last time. Why, can ANYONE shed any light on this please?

 

Please can someone reply, i feel horribly horribly alone

[needhelp]

wow..I am so sorry he has done this to you...

I dont know why they do this..but my ex has the same mentallity.

When he is a b***tard he realises..Tells me how sorry he was and that he will never do that to me again..But guess what..they do over and over and over again.

Hun do not call him again. Its going to be so so so hard I know but enough is enough. He does not deserve your tears.

Is he sitting at home feeling bad..no he is not, so why should you?

Talk to me..