Friend is homophobic.

[rosierizzle]

Ok, right, this is my problem....

 

I get very passionate about the things I believe in and I often can't help arguing with people. That's the way I am, my friends are used to it and accept it. Anyway, I have guy friend called Ali and like alot of the guys in my school he has this big issue with men being gay. He says that it's okay for women to be gay because he says that it's hot but according to him a man falling in love and having sex with another man is totally gross, wrong, disgusting etc. He had alot to say on this topic so I won't go into it all now, but it's completely opposite what I think.

 

Ok, so I got into a MASSIVE argument with him about, I'm talking huge! He was saying how "gays were freaks" and "not natural" so I told him he was discriminating and that he was prejudiced against gay men etc and then he said that I was prejudiced against him. Can you be prejudiced against people who are prejudiced?

 

Obviously our friendship has deteriorated. I miss him as a friend though, and I don't know whether it's right for me to regain a friendship with someone who is homophobic after we had such a huge row about it.

 

Also one of my best friends recently told me in confidence that he was bi and I feel like I would be betraying him if I regained my friendship with Ali.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

rosierizzle

[Jonboy582]

Well, I dunno, Ali seems very narrow minded, and really u could question his comfortablity on his own sexuality. I am completely comfortable, and would not mind being touched by anouther man (im strait btw) cos u would understand that just cos someones gay does not mean they are different or fancy you. It is also natural, cos apparently research shows that it is genetic condition (it not a condition it just is but thats the best word to describe it) and apparently 11% of the world are homosexual. Plus he cant say he only likes woman on woman or he can but that means he is sexist aswell. But to be honest I would not like to be friends with someone who is both sexist, and homophobic, just says to me there narrow minded and inconsiderate.

[rosierizzle]

That's what I've been thinking but he's the loveliest guy you've ever met, well he was, until I found all that out, and I really miss him. Before I knew I used to have a huge crush on him and although I depise his views I miss his personality and it's left this gap in my life and I don't know how to fill it.

[rosierizzle]

That last post sounded really melodramatic. But I'm really stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be friends with him after the argument but I miss him - CONFUSED!!!!

[RandomAdvisor]

If he's your age, he can't even be 100% sure of his own sexuality yet, which is where homophobia stems from. Homophobics are afraid they themselves are gay. It's really not worth arguing the point because you're probably not going to change his mind. I think you already know that but still feel like you have to.

[Jonboy582]

Also you say you love his personality, but his homophobia is part of that, and it comes as a whole u cant pick and choose certaintraits. By all means if you feel u can be friends with him make up, but I could not stand to be a parnter with someone who had such harsh suppressive views.

[UT]

I'm gay, My friends are homophobic but I still love them (they don't know I'm gay)

 

you can still be friends with him. just as long as you make it clear to him where you stand. I can understand that people are homophobes because it's scary to some. but being sexist, that's the big problem here. If I was a woman i couldn't be friends with someone who thinks less of me because of what I have between my legs. homosexuality is now. but women has existed for as long as men have.

 

you are not prejudice. prejudice has not ground to back it up. you have.

 

I think your bi friend will understand. because of what people with another sexual orientation than the majority of the people have to live with, and have to hide, i think they have a greater understanding. you know. you say: "he can't help it, he's straight" bi friend says: "I know, been there, done that."

[Cadence308]

There is reverse prejudice and that is being prejudice against people who are prejudice. It's kind of like how white men got all of the benefits and were the status quo for such a long time and now African American, Hispanic, etc. people are eligible for special governmental programs and many universities try to have a certain percentage of minorities accepted. One could say that white men are now being discriminated against because there aren't these special programs for them. That's reverse discrimination.

 

I guess if Ali wants to say that you are discriminating against him, you are because you have decided that he is narrow minded for being homophobic. That's not a bad thing. Obviously, this is something that you really care about and good for you for sticking up for something that you really believe in. Only you can truly decide if this issue is worth losing Ali, a friend, over.

[UT]

First I just want to say that I'm against any kind of affirmative action. Everything is discrimination one way or another. All depends on how you look at is. E.g. you kiss someone you're in love with (I know this is a silly example). But you have a friend who also wants to be kissed. You are discriminating the friend because you're not in love with him/her. The definition of discrimination is very abstract and can be used everywhere.

Discriminate -- to treat a person or group differently from another in an unfair way.

Source: Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English

 

Narrow-minded: unwilling to accept or understand new or different ideas, opinions, or customs

 

You see, he is narrow-minded if he can't accept homosexuality. Prejudice demands that there is not reason for a certain belief. She's not prejudice, at least not the way her male friend probably meant it.

[Cadence308]

UT, she wanted to know if there was such a thing as discriminating against her friend. My only point was that there is such as thing as reverse discrimination and prejudice. I also included in my point, the fact that Ali is being narrrow minded.

 

Only she can decide if it's worth it to maintain any friendship with Ali even though they have very conflicting views on this topic. Since I am a lesbian, clearly I would not maintain a friendship with Ali if I were in her situation.

[UT]

UT, she wanted to know if there was such a thing as discriminating against her friend. My only point was that there is such as thing as reverse discrimination and prejudice. I also included in my point, the fact that Ali is being narrrow minded.

 

Yes, but I was disagreeing with you.

 

Only she can decide if it's worth it to maintain any friendship with Ali even though they have very conflicting views on this topic. Since I am a lesbian, clearly I would not maintain a friendship with Ali if I were in her situation.

 

I am not telling her what to do. I'm gay and I wouldn't want to have a friend that is prejudice. At least not prejudice against that I am. I am simply trying to see it from her point of view. She can still be friends with her homophobic friend but she does not have to agree with what he thinks.

 

I apologize for being unclear in my last post. Sorry.

[Cadence308]

UT, sorry, but you are not necessarily disagreeing with me. There is such a thing as reverse discrimination and prejudice. I've studied it in diversity courses in college. It does exist and that's not a matter of my opinion. I didn't make that up. Unfortunately, someone else did!

 

Secondly, I was pointing out that she can remain friends with Ali and that's her decision. I wouldn't want a friend of mine to discriminate against me because of my attractions, either. However, if you read her thread, Ali thinks it's fine for 2 females to be in a relationship and have sex together, he just thinks it's disgusting for 2 males to do the same. So, Ali is not necessarily discriminating against her because she is a lesbian.

 

Thirdly, you seem to be reiterating what I already said regarding her friendship with Ali.

[UT]

UT, sorry, but you are not necessarily disagreeing with me. There is such a thing as reverse discrimination and prejudice. I've studied it in diversity courses in college. It does exist and that's not a matter of my opinion. I didn't make that up. Unfortunately, someone else did!

 

Secondly, I was pointing out that she can remain friends with Ali and that's her decision. I wouldn't want a friend of mine to discriminate against me because of my attractions, either. However, if you read her thread, Ali thinks it's fine for 2 females to be in a relationship and have sex together, he just thinks it's disgusting for 2 males to do the same. So, Ali is not necessarily discriminating against her because she is a lesbian.

 

Thirdly, you seem to be reiterating what I already said regarding her friendship with Ali.

 

Oh, a lot of confusion here. my bad.

 

I do believe there is a thing as reversed discrimination but I don't think that's the thing here. she was dis... well, nevermind. You're probably right. I never am