What is a real relationship?

[hope2life]

Hi

 

I am new to this list. I am a bit lost in my current relationship and looking for input from others. I have been dating a man for 1 1/2 years, long distance. We have many common interests and when we get together we do have fun and seem to be a good fit. He is the nicest most caring man I have ever dated. However, I have a difficult time deciding whether we should be dating. I don't know if the relationship is enough. I respect him and enjoy his friendship but wonder if there should be more chemistry. I don't enjoy his french kissing style and sexually it seems more like work than connecting. We do talk about these issues but the changes are slow and the distance makes working through things more of a challenge. Is chemistry something that's just there or its not, or can it be built over time? I have been in other relationships with better chemistry and miss it. Am I wrong in believing there should be more attraction beyond the safety of being held and a good friendship? Is it wrong to be in a relationship because its comfortable and safe? There is a song lyric "love me for longing or leave me behind". I often wonder if I should end the relationship because the longing in lacking. However, I would greatly miss the intelligent, caring man I have gotten to know.

[newts]

Hi Hopeful,

 

Yes, I believe that chemistry is important, unfortunely the chemistry dies and when this happens you start looking for something else in the relationship and find you don't really know why you both stayed together for so long. The most impotant thing in any relationship is communication and it seems as though you both communicate quite well. You seem to have the foundations for a strong partnership, however, maybe one of you need to take it to the next level and move either closer to each other so the barrier of distance will not intefer with the natural progression of your relationship.

 

It is normal to want what you don't have e.g lusty chemistry.... however, you really have to decide if you would really like this man out of your life forever? Because when you make these decisions you are basically saying you goodbye forever, or until you can both be mutually civil to each other.

 

Only you can decide whether this relationship is for you or not.

 

Good luck.

[SandyD]

Your situation does seem a bit tricky. You have all the good things that make for a good relationship, and from what you write you both care deeply for eachother. Long distance relationships are not easy. But you say you lack the chemistry. I know some people say that chemistry is somthing that is either there or not. I don´t know if I agree with that. I think there could be some stuff between the two of you that won´t let the chemistry flow properly. Are both of you very shy? How much do you guys actually see eachother? It could be that these two things aggravate the problem.

 

I personally don´t think you should be with someone who you don´t connect with sexually, otherwise it is only friendship. But you are attracted to him, right?