Do i have anything to be worried about?

[Kate79]

I need some advice desperately as im slowly turning into a pyschotic girlfriend! I recently looked through my boyfriends text messages - dont ask me why but i guess i just wanted to see if I had anything to worry about. Anyway, I saw that he is still in contact with his ex girlfriend. And although she lives in a completely different state (about a 3 hour plane ride), the messages still gave me enough to be concerned about. Basically they were little 'cutsie' messages, telling each other 'to have a nice day', 'wish i was there' and 'ill call you later sweetie'. These messages are at least twice a week, and i notice they call each other alot too. Im not sure why the broke up originally - i think it was maybe because she moved away...

 

Now the confusing part is - my boyfriend seems to be besotted by me!! We've been together about 10 mths and he also calls me all the time, and sends me sweet messages. If i hadn't seen these messages, i'd think i was in a perfect relationship!

 

I realise she lives so far away but I guess my biggest concern is that if his ex moves back home, or comes over for a holiday - then i'd be in trouble!

 

Should i bring it up with him or not??? Its driving me insane cause everytime he gets a phone message i get suspicious and angry with him and he doesnt know why! He doesn't even know i know anything about his ex!

[DN]

An object lesson in why you should not snoop into private things.

 

If you don't talk to him about it, the messages will eat away at you and you will be so angry and mad at him you will probably sabotage the relationship.

 

If you do talk to him about it he will probably be so mad at your snooping and lack of trust that he could well end the relationship.

 

Or - - you could choose to trust that he loves you.

[melrich]

Yes really, if you go snooping around into anyone's private stuff you are likely to find something you don't like.

 

He's probably just good friends with his ex. Try and leave his private stuff alone. Being bf and gf does not give anyone the right to invade privacy of another.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

If my bf were texting his ex gf with messages like that, I'd be a little freaked too.

 

However, if he hasn't betrayed your trust at this time and she's far, far away, and he's not acting suspiciously...ie trying to hide things from you inappropriately...then relax and trust him.

 

I guess you're gonna have to tell him what you found and how it's making you feel, but just remember that that street goes both ways.

[Kate79]

Thanks guys....it will be hard to stop snooping cause if he is going to cheat on me or whatever - i want to be on top of it! I hate to think that he is pulling the wool over my eyes!

 

Oh well, i guess i can only trust him and lets see what happens...stay tuned...

[juicyfruitmama]

Hmm... - if I was dating someone and he was texting his ex with "sweetie" I'd be royally pissed.

 

I'm not sure if you would be able to keep that inside without wondering... but people do stupid things sometimes when they have a trust issue...

 

Why do you think you checked in the first place? Maybe your gut was telling you that something wasn't right or... did you just do it out of curiosity?

 

He may get a little bit irritated that you invaded his privacy, but if he is a great boyfriend and is completely mad for you, it won't be a big deal. If on the other hand he flips, then... you need to have a talk with him. Tell him that you would never communicate with your ex's in the way that he is because it shows a disrespect for you. - "Sweetie?" - come on!

[nikkers04]

Hey I know the feeling. What the other posters said about snooping is right....but I did it and I found out that my fiance was cheating on me that way. So I think we have a right to see what they are doing...but they are also right that you should talk to him about it and trust what he has to say. And think about it this way.....when he is with you ... he is with you and not her. Feel Lucky!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hey I know the feeling. What the other posters said about snooping is right....but I did it and I found out that my fiance was cheating on me that way. So I think we have a right to see what they are doing...but they are also right that you should talk to him about it and trust what he has to say. And think about it this way.....when he is with you ... he is with you and not her. Feel Lucky!

 

If y'all have been dating for 10 months, at this point, he shouldn't have anything to hide. Any and all warts should be out in the open. Your gut's telling you there's something fishy going on.

 

Do you normally tell your guyfriends in other states that you wish you were there? Nope. Also, you wouldn't have been going fishing unless there was a trust issue already. I believe you should talk about how you feel about him talking with his ex.

[RayKay]

Like others I don't condone snooping, but I don't agree with them that this is something you should just basically try and forget about because he is with you so it must show he loves you....

 

I mean, if I found cutesy messages from my boyfriend to any girl, never mind an ex, I would be like another said, royally pissed off! Sorry, but telling another girl/ex you miss them, and calling them sweetie and more so saying "I WISH I WAS THERE"!!! (that's the kicker for me) would be far beyond my line of appropriate behaviour when you are involved with someone else.

 

It may not be physical cheating, but I would feel betrayed nevertheless. And for the record, I do not feel this way if the friendship was platonic/genuine, as my partner and I both have friends of opposite sex (with ex's and not ex's).

 

I'd ask him about his relationship with her, and see what he says. If he tells you he never talks to her even, I think you better call him on it. Honestly, I think if he is that pissed off that you saw CLEARLY inappropriate messages while snooping, he knows he is doing something wrong and is just mad at being busted and is trying to turn it around on you. But it comes down to fact if he honestly has NOTHING to hide and loves you, he'll (better) come clean.

 

Good luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

And for the record, I do not feel this way if the friendship was platonic/genuine, as my partner and I both have friends of opposite sex (with ex's and not ex's).

 

I'd ask him about his relationship with her, and see what he says. If he tells you he never talks to her even, I think you better call him on it. Honestly, I think if he is that pissed off that you saw CLEARLY inappropriate messages while snooping, he knows he is doing something wrong and is just mad at being busted and is trying to turn it around on you. But it comes down to fact if he honestly has NOTHING to hide and loves you, he'll (better) come clean.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree fully with RayKay. My bf has platonic friends that are girls and I don't feel threatened by them. I think there's a difference between secrets and plain old privacy. Like I said, he shouldn't be afraid for you to see all the warts...and when you talk to him, if he's very defensive, I think that's a red flag.