She cheats on me, lies, then breaks up, and i want her.

[enziansfall]

Ok,

 

Here's the story. I'm in the anti-world apparently. I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years, waiting for when we can be together, which incidentally, was supposed to start today. However, due to the stress and wear of our relationship she has lied to me and had cheated on me for 3 months. I catch it, then ask if we should keep trying. I pay for abortion that may or may not be mine. Now, our relationship was never THAT healthy obviously, but i think that was largely in part of it being long distance. 3 days before she was supposed to come back (and about a month from when i discovered the cheating) She decides to not come back and stay longer to "sort things out." I never thought I'd tolerate what i've delt with, and I was furious. I'd even thrown her out of my house when I discovered that she'd cheated, but I got over it, and was positive. She says I'm the kind of person she wants to be. She says she does love me and misses me. But despite all this mess that i've been put into, and she has done, I still feel love for her, i still want her to come back, i still want her in my life and she doesn't seem to want me.

 

I don't know what is going on anymore. I think the world has turned upside down, and i'm losing my mind. I think about it and realize how crazy it all seems, and still I want to drive down 8 hours and see her. How can i be pursuing her, after all she's done to me- and why and is it possible that I am right? That after 2 years of racing towards this place where we can be happy, and making all the huge mistakes along the way, is it possible that we could have been at the low point and finally being able to be close to each other could have made it better? Could have eliminated our problems and made our relationship as great as we thought it could have been?

 

I don't even know what i'm asking now, "What should I do?" or "Am i losing my mind?" or "How to get her" "how to get free" "how to move on" I guess I need to hear some random input from a variety of angles....

 

I guess I'm not really certain what i think or what to do...

[twentyOnE]

Hi, i see that you're going through a very difficult time right now. Let me share a little bit of my story and i'll give you my advice i'm using.

 

I've been with my ex for nearly 2 years, our anniversary's 8/21 coming up really soon. I've been apart from her for 2 months and now I guess I'm kinda seeing her again but who knows what will happen or what guys she has been with, for me that's not the issue; it's the love and emotions I'm really focused about.

 

Ok, she cheated on me last september and I found out because she told me when she wanted me back. She told me she wanted a "break" for a while and I guess after she screwed the guy, she realized it wasn't really what she wanted and she wanted me back. She couldn't even go a week without me.

Just like you, I really wanted her back no matter how painful and hurt I was. I believe in 2nd chances so I took her back. Now we broke up again and YES I STILL want her back.

 

This is what I did, and maybe it will help you. Just stop calling her. I know you're probably wondering what she's doing, if she's screwing around, having fun etc. but just try to keep your mind off of it. I know it's VERY hard but it's something you have to deal with. DO NOT LISTEN TO SAD MUSIC! It will only make you suffer even more and make the healing process take even longer. Looking on the brighter side of things, how can things get any worse? Your life can only get better from here.

 

So i stopped calling her, stopped instant messaging her online, no e-mails. She will realize that she loves you and she will feel the emptiness in her life which is you. Let her start contacting you. If she says she still does love you then she'll one day regret it, and in the mean time try to move on, be a better person. Your ex-gf will realize that you can survive without her and she'll start to wonder about you more.

By not contacting her you're indirectly letting her know that you're not so needy of her love. It will be hard.

 

I had times where I'd hold the phone in my hand and just think to myself if i should call. One time I got so weak inside I did call and she was having fun, going to the beach, and i felt like an idiot for calling her. Just make sure you're ahead of the game.

 

And you know what? look where I am now. . . Although we're still not together, she told me she loves me a few days ago for the first time after the break up and yes she always contacts me first. And until I find out for sure about her feelings towards me, I guess I'll act upon that when the time's right.

 

Well I hope things work out for you and I wish for the best for both of us.

 

twentyOnE

[enziansfall]

Thanks 21. It's good to hear. I know about as unstable as can be right now, and I appreciate the comment. I know all the lines we're supposed to hear, and i'm sure there are very good reasons for them all, you know? I shouldn't give her a second chance, i shouldn't keep trying it'll get worse. I should give her a shot, I shouln't call because it'll push her away, I should call because that will make it work, I should hate her, i should turn the other cheek.

 

I know what makes sense, but I feel like you do know where i'm coming from. I hope that everything works out for you.

 

I guess i get so blurry sometimes, I don't know where I'm headed. So that's what this is about. Hearing where other's would go...

[bzborow1]

The fact you mentioned that you are unsure of what to do tells me you need time to yourself. It's always tough to lose someone, and it's even tougher to stomach the cheating from a person you thought you knew. I think that's what's partly going on with you, overcoming the rejection of a loved one.

 

I'm a firm believer now (my fiance cheated on me so I have some history in this situation) that all things happen for a reason. For myself it was discovering how bad a person she really was and how my love for her blinded me from the truth. Right now the best thing you can do for yourself is to get away from her for a while. Don't call, don't write, and delete her off your MSN or other chat programs.

 

You can't even begin to think about getting back with her until you've had time to heal. You need to be able to look at her without being overrun with "relationship" feelings. In time, you may realize that space was the best thing....

 

lastly, a line that i've heard helps..."if you set it free, and it comes back, it was meant to be..."

 

you've got to let her go...for you...

[bzborow1]

Just remember also that what she's done is a huge disrespect to you. If she showed once she doesn't respect you enough as a person to not cheat on you...why would you even want her back?

 

If you ever want her back, you need to put your foot down now. You need to tell her how horrible her behaviour is, how much she's shown contempt for you, and you need to get away from her. In my last post I mentioned stuff about cutting communication of totally from her, and it's true. After you've told her that her behaviour is completely unacceptable, etc, etc..........if she is 'the one' for you, these obstacles will not stop her, this I know.

[van731]

He who hurts us most we end up loving the most. Tis the flaw in human design. Hurt and love are not the same but your brain will register love everytime you feel hurt.

 

The reason why your girlfriend cheated is because she was unhappy with some aspect of your relationship. She probably thought she could escape the unhappiness. But lo and behold she will soon realized she was unhappy with herself. Classic prozac scenerio. What to do? Leave silently and quietly. But also leave the door open. It's ok to call. But not ok to gravel.

 

If she's the showoff ego maniac type NEVER call. She will only tell her friends how much you want her and make you look like the fool. Never let her play you like a card. But if she was the type like all of us that just made a mistake forgive her and try again. Compromise. Realize what went wrong and fix it. You probably love her because she is your soul mate. With all soul mates there is pain and life lessons involved.

 

The pain won't go away until you learn.

[enziansfall]

I've been reading this book, "The Wind Up Bird Chronicles" and it's intriguing. The main character has been left by his wife who was cheating. He get's so lost amid many strange characters and turns in the plot he begins to have trouble telling what is real and what is not. He eventually takes to sitting at the bottom of a well regularly as a way of finding his wife again-- not in the psychological way, but he actually believes that this will help him find WHERE his wife is.

 

I've found i can empathise with this book to an absurd degree. I am sitting at the bottom of a well, contemplating which way is up and what is real and not. I am searching for the woman who left me, but also searching for why i am and who i am i guess.

 

i suppose i should just trust that 2 years of life is a lot for anyone. and even were she capable of just picking up and moving on, it obviously didn't mean that much to her, and so returning to her would be the worst thing anyways. Now I just have to convince my heart that is true, and find a way to ensure i don't falter.