rather confused, it came from nowhere

[bellaZerlina]

Alright we had been dating for four months. He's 21 I'm 19. Three of those months were spent apart, but we still called each other every night. We are both students the time apart was summer vacation. Everything is going well. Over the summer I go with his family on a small vacation. The relationship between us and his family is going quite well. A month later we get back to school the first night we stayed at his family's house. Later that week he is nothing but his usual kind self. And then one night we come very close to having sex, which we have discussed (we are both virgins). And then he comes out and says he isn't ready for this relationship. He thinks about it 2 days calls me we go for a walk and discuss it. He says he can't explain it, but he isn't ready he still wants to be friends, he still loves me, but is not ready for a "relationship." I find out later his roommate has gotten engaged to his girlfriend of four months... anyone else seeing a correlation? I have stopped talking to him for the past 3 days, because whenever i talk to him he sounds sad. Since our breakup he has made no effort to contact me first, if I call he returns me calls immediately. This was so sudden there was no change in feelings, he still loves me. We have also never had any confrontations. I know I can't make him realize quicker, he even said he believes later he will probably realize he is making a mistake. This is also his longest relationship and he has only had 3 others lasting less than a month. What should i do to get him back? I really don't know what to do... aside from not talk to him. Any help would be welcome

[DN]

Ask him if he is worried that you want a long-term commitment (i.e. marriage) and if that is why he wants to take a break.

[bellaZerlina]

Thanks so much for your response. When we had our breaking up discussion I told him that it was far too early to even be considering marrying him at this point in my life. He said he was relieved but still kept with his choice. After this we held hands all the way back to my place and then he kissed me when he left. He also said he would be willing to try again, but not right now. I had told him that it was when i got to know him that i had fallen in love with him. He took this to mean i wanted to marry him i told him that wasn't what i meant. I don't know it's just a very strange situation. Mostly because there were no warning signs the night he mentioned breaking up he had just introduced me as his girlfriend and we had been having a great time together.

[DN]

Sounds like he got spooked and needs a little time to become unspooked.

 

There are a couple of possibilities:

 

He is worried that you love him more than he can reciprocate right now.

 

or

 

His feelings for you are stronger than he expected and the engagement of his friend has made him realise that.

 

In either case, you best bet is to give him some time to sort out his feelings. Do not pressure him in any way.

 

It may be something else but give him a chance to calm down anyway.

[ImInLove232]

...since his roommate in somewhat a similar time frame with his girl, he might have gotten scared off.....but since nowadays people dont even get married till their fourties, it's pretty crazy that someone would get married after four months perhaps he didnt think of that....but thats pretty immature of him to do, to just break things off like that!...maybe the relationship you both had was too serious compared to his previous relationships so a switch went off in his mind that said 'hey i should be single again'.....If he really wanted you, then he wouldn't be acting so weird....since he can't commit for long, you should find someone else who can.

[bellaZerlina]

Hey DN seriously thank you for your insight/advise. I have been having similiar thoughts about this situation. It is good to hear advise from other people aside from my mom and my friends. I don't know if you're still checking out this thing or anyone else crazy enough to listen to my ramblings, but should i wait for him to contact me or what. I have been currently focusing on my own things, but when i'm in a great mood it's so hard not to talk to him. Whenever i have something great want to share it with him, be it a song or a beautiful sky. Yeah i'm overly a nerd and completely sappy which i never was before i met him. Okay now i'm just being silly, time for me to shut up. Any more thoughts I'd be happy to hear them. Finding this site has helped me so much. Thank ya'll

[DN]

At least contact him much less often - wait a few days or a week before you do. If he never contacts you at all after a couple of weeks of that - then move on.

[xenakis]

21, still a virgin and only dated a few times...

 

I see 3 possibilities:

 

1) Got scared because of his friend's engagement or because of sex

2) He is waiting for the right one to have sex with and doesn't think it is you anymore

3) He is closet gay

 

Usually a 21 year old guy who is still a virgin would pretty much do anything for sex...

 

I think there is a good chance he is gay or extremely religious.

[bellaZerlina]

xenakis well that certainly is a thought to ponder... Just from what i know of him i really doubt the fact that he is gay. I know from uhhh... a few personal experiences that this is not the case he is very into women. i'm usually pretty good at identifying that. He is half Jewish, but that is more of his heritage than a practice. He is also not religious, one time we had discussed having sex and he said that he would be fine having sex with someone he had dated for three months, he doesn't like the thought of people sleeping around, but if you're in a relationhip it's fair game. He was basically waiting for me to be ready because i was unsure. golly jeepers this just sucks especially when i hear from friends that they saw him walking around looking sad...