I've forgotten how to flirt

[Dreamsong29]

According to my co-workers and friends, I come accross as unavailable or "not interested." I started a new job a month ago and a co-worker told me that I gave off the impression that I was "just there to work" and "don't talk to me." At my previous job, a co-worker complimented me on a new haircut and said that my old haircut said "don't mess with me." I don't understand how I am getting these signals accross and what's more, I seem to be misreading signs from the opposite sex.

 

I'm lost when it comes to dating now but I never had any problems before. I left a 3 year relationship and had a couple short flings, but now I have not had a date in almost 3 years. What's wrong? I'm young (34) and attractive (my friends think so) and I think I can carry on an intelligent conversation. But somehow I'm not making the connection. And I'm confused about the signals I get from other people.

 

Case in point: There's a guy at work who (I thought) was flirting with me. Another co-worker said to me that this guy was trying to get my attention. It was cute, actually. He wrote a funny poem and read it to me. He also said at one point, "so! I hear that you don't have a boyfriend!" and I thought that his expression showed that he was interested. So there was an upcoming off-work social function and as we passed in the hall he asked if I was going. I said, "sure! are you taking me?" He said "you bet!"

 

Sounds like something was happening right? Wrong. Apparently I got the wrong signs, or he wasn't sincere -- because for the rest of the day I kept seeing him following the new girl around. I mean, he was everywhere that she was. Every time I turned around, he was talking to her. It wasn't my imagination. I'm not a jealous or suspicious person. It really made me feel kind of downhearted. All day I was wondering, was he joking with me? Trying to see which one of us he could get? Drifted off towards a better opportunity (she is younger and more attractive)? I went home depressed. I did not go to the social function.

 

So this is just one instance. I seem to find myself attracted to someone, and think that they are perhaps attracted to me, and they turn out to be married, gay, or unsincere. Argh. I think I am so out of practice that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Men used to fall at my feet. Now I can't find a date. What am I doing wrong? I don't mean to send those signals which my co-worker observed; I'm just a bit socially awkward and don't want to embarrass myself. And I do, actually, find most group social interaction to be a bit banal and superficial.

 

I just want to find something meaningful. Are we not able to do that anymore -- do I have to play the whole game?

[bobster]

I know and understand what your going though.

 

I generally smile (no big cheesers or anything) but drop my serious face if I'm interested in flirting with someone. I then usually make some small talk with a joke......nothing negative. My favorite opener (in work when a nice girl visits that I like) is: "Its meant to be 30F today.........(pause) ......in Spain. That usually easies the situation and if I get a laugh from her then "its on" and I take it from there.

 

I dunno does this make sense to you??

The haircut thing, well, is it short and sharp? I tend to let my hair grow into a weird shape and that makes me feel good and more approachable as if it gets cut short, I look "like a manager" my co-worker said.

 

My problem is asking girls out on a date though!

[TheRock]

Hey Dreamsong,

Reading signals from the other sex can definitely get confusing. I am 35 and still get confused as well. But, you probably know more than you think. You said you used to have men falling at your feet. You are only 34, so it could not have been that long ago. Anyway, my take on that particular situation is that the guy was definitely interested in you. You don't write poems for people you work with as a courtesy. Him chatting with the other girl could have been innocent. I am not sure not being there. Anyway, could you have gone to the function without him? It sounds like it wasn't formal and that you could have just shown up.