how do you deal with inconsistent behavior?

[patience]

Okay, let's say you're getting to know someone, casual dates so far, no sex yet...then suddenly, the person starts to act distant. Logic says she/he is just not that interested, but sometimes people really do get busy...and there are people out there who really do need to go slow.

 

So when someone pulls back, what are we supposed to do? Stop calling and hope they call? Pursue them a little more? Why do people play these frigging games anyway? How long do we wait before attempting to call them again?

 

Ugh!!! Dating in a small town sucks!!!

[djedix]

im going throught the same thing... its so frustrating

[patience]

I wish I knew what was going on...how can people just grow cold? It doesn't make sense!

 

When was the last time you heard from her? Did she explain herself? or just make excuses?

 

If they are 'too busy' then they must not be very interested. I'm busy, but I'm not too busy...there's a difference.

 

 

[djedix]

she actully might come by tonight. so i might actully get to see her.......

 

 

CORRECTION, she's busy again...

[patience]

she's busy again...geesh! whoa!

[MetallicAguy]

It's possible that he could just be waiting for you to pursue him and get your interest up.

 

Ever hear that joke in the 40 Year-Old Virgin, I forgot the main characters name but his real name is Steve Carell I think anyway, he says "Well when am I supposed to call her" and then Cal(a work buddy of his) says "when's the next olympics".

 

A lot of guys play this game. But you never know sometimes there really busy, if you suspect he's playing the game call him on one of your girlfriends cell phones (obviously he must not know the gf because he can see her caller ID and hang up if he has caller ID) and once he says Hello just hang up because then you'll know he's home and he's playing the game. If you know he has no caller ID just call him off your number.

[Jetta]

She may be trying to look busy so peak your interest. Why not get her number from her and ask her out!

 

I'm in a small town too and the game thing sucks! I hear this guy likes me but he sure doesn't act like it.

[patience]

She said she would call me this week, so I'm 'waiting' for that to happen. I guess I'm afraid that if I call her, then it looks like I didn't trust her enough to call me like she said she would.

 

I think I'll call her Friday if I don't hear from her soon.

[misery12]

Metallica,

The main character's name is Andy.

 

Funny movie! Saw it twice

[gypsy65]

According to John Gray, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, each gender has specific needs that they need fullfilled in order to feel loved. Women need to feel respected and men need to feel trusted. So, your response that you don't want to call her too soon because you are concerned she would feel you didn't trust her to call when she said she would is a typical Mars statement. LOL..

 

Has she explained why she is so busy? I get real busy too sometimes, but when I am interested in a man I always suggest a time that WILL work for me. I agree, the games suck! If she has declined an invite from you to get together on the pretense she is busy and not ever suggested a time when she won't be busy, I would say she is not interested...Just my opinion...I wouldn't call her Friday. It is human nature to want what you can't have. I read somewhere and believe that if someone is acting distant and aloof that only thing that will turn their head around is if you yourself start acting even more distant and aloof.

 

I am in the same boat as you, so I have a lot of empathy for your situation.

[Maverick32x]

im having the EXACT same prob , and i actually came her to complain/look for advice also.

This girl and me were really close, and i keep hearing from all her friends how much she likes me (i dont even ask them to tell me this stuff.. they just come up and tell me) and shes told me how much she likes me... but now that we go to diff schools, i cant even call her on the walk back from the library to my house (20 min walk) and its frustrating as hell!!! since she always tells me how she is going to visit.. than shes busy... than she wants me to visit her.. but she is going home that weekend... and than i try to talk to her to see if she wants any sort of future, and she just leads me on >_

 

lol, not sure that it helped at all.. but i know what you are going through, and i would say cut the crap and just try to get some honest answers out of her, cuz games are fun for about a month... than they just get old and annoying.. and 99% of the time i just leave.

[zoila]

It's all about social value... people play hard to get, and do other things, to establish their social value. And we fall for it again and again. The trick to dealing with it is to combine honesty with your own demostration of YOUR sense of self-worth...

 

I think when the other person backs off, you need to let them. Either they're busy, pretending to be busy, or emotionally they need to have some space. So back off, too become busy... DON'T CHASE THEM!!

 

You miss them, you worry that they're not interested, etc.

 

To keep things GOING you have two options:

 

1. Wait for them to call...! This is the NUMBER ONE most important thing. You want to be dating someone who WANTS to see you, right? So give them the time you feel that.

 

2. Remind them of your interest in a way that DOESN´T requiere reciprocation. Like a text message or an email... "Hi...! I was thinking about you. Hope your having a wonderful day!" It should make them feel good, yet not requiere an answer.

 

If you're willing to RISK losing them:

 

3. Call them after whatever seems like normal contact time and ask tell them you'd like to see them. If they get weird, stall or make up some excuse, then you have to ask them what's really going on. If they make plans with you, go out and have a good time, and go back to #1! If they say they're not interested or whatever, be happy they didn't make you wait another week!

 

I'm only now getting the hang of dating, and this has worked for me. Yes, doing this stuff consciously is like "playing games" but I think as long as you are yourself with the person when you see them, a little unavailablity sprinkled between dates will make the time you spend together more meaningful.

[patience]

I haven't called her. I'm hoping she'll call tomorrow. I'm still planning on calling her on Friday if I don't hear from her. I'm going to keep it light, and not even mention that she didn't call me. I won't put any pressure on her whatsoever, and maybe she'll open up about what is going on with her. Maybe she is having a really crappy week. I have no idea.

 

Thanks to all of you who posted. This seems to be a really common issue. IMO it would be so much better if people just came right out and said, "I'm not interested" rather than saying they will call, and never calling.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

If the person seems to withdrawl, and you really care about them, you need to take initiative to contact them. Don't wait for them to contact you. I remember when I have been in contact with some girls, and then dropped it...most girls never bother to take the initiative, and it gives the impression that they just don't care. If they really cared, they would desparately keep trying to contact me. Maybe your partner is testing how committed you are.

[patience]

I just called her

There was no answer, so I'll call again later.

I feel glad that I called.

[ducky]

I get real busy too sometimes, but when I am interested in a man I always suggest a time that WILL work for me.

 

Can't agree more with this! This girl I'm (sort of) dating always suggests another time if she can't make it.

 

Agree that games suck. The whole thing is so childish yet so fun. It's the anticipation I guess. She was playing around with me, delaying replies whenever i asked her on dates. So I texted her, "If you can't make it at all, it's ok. Just forget that i ever asked you out". To which she responded really promptly and we decided on a suitable date/time really soon.