Making Contact with my suspected BPD ex!! Why do I do this?

[Vern]

After 12 days I broke contact with my ex - www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=60675 to tell her that I do not expect anything, but that I am sorry. I left her a text message. Now I feel horrible. I told my support system I will not do NC. But I just did. I just felt bad not to aplogize - although I know I have to focus on the big picuture. I have to go out now to lecture a class on leadership - and I do not think this is what I displayed this morning early. This feels completely out of context of who I am.

 

I read the sories here and feel with everyone. Makes me more sad that we have to go through all of this. I feel for all.

 

Vern

[Demond34]

We're only human, keep your head up high and keep chugging along. You know what you gotta do but you had a little slip up. Its understandable, but leaders also recognize there mistakes and so did you. You have nothing to apologize for. Its called perserverance(sp?), and you'll get thru this along with the many posters on this board.

 

Good luck, keep the chin up b/c you might just miss something.

[Vern]

Thanks Demond

 

Of course you are right. Driving this morning I just thought of the so many people going through these motions. I just never felt so bad breaking-uo with anybody in the past. Bu then again with this gilr I knew these days (of breaking-up) will be just around the corner. I am surprised it took so long - then again though I could heal her from all her issues (and I know that is not possible).

 

The good was o so good, but the down and the abusive and manipulation I received was eating away at me. And she could be such a nice girl / person /friend. Bu amongs 2o people in my informal support group I CANNOT be the only one that think this relationship could work. As one person put's it "the leopard does not change it spots". Her negative behaviour(s) always worked in cycles. To the extend that I was expecting it. Still when the highs were there - it was good.

 

In my hart I know (from the beginning what to do) - executing it not that easy.

 

Regards, Vern

[Mun]

Hello Vern,

I don't know if you would consider this, but you might benefit from some therapy yourself after having dealt with all of this. The relationship could have left deep emotional scars. I hope not though.

 

Don't knock yourself because you still care, but keep looking out for your own peace of mind.

[Vern]

Thanks Muneca

 

Therapy is a serious consideration. I just feel with time this will also go away. I felt so vulnerable this morning. Started my day and now peparing for some evening class work I feel OK.

 

I will monitor my own healing and will go for therapy if required. I never felt like this before and have delt with someone with serious behavior / dysfunctional issues. I am more concerned with her well-being than my own at the moment. And I know my focus should be on me. I have never in any of my previous relationships / day-to-day intractions with people expereinced so many self-doubt / insecurities / inconsistant behaviours.

 

I was aware of the type of person she is right from the start. But could not get myself to detach. I know that we are worlds apart ito the way we perceive / interact with most things in live.

 

I just need to set myself free from some of this self-grief and anger that has manifested for the first time in my life. But it is still tough - I once pictured a life with this woman (even then I new I am not honest with myself).

[venus777]

You know, some aspects of the emotional abuse sounds like my ex. I still cry every day from the sadness because somehow, through it all I still loved him dearly, while he tells me it was meaningless. I'm heartbroken.

 

He would get mad at me for the tiniest things and have outbursts, break up because of the smallest thing I'd say and later take it back, criticize everything about me and chip away at my self esteem.

 

I really started to believe the things he said to me.

 

I know it hurts and some of the things you said seemed so familiar to me. I can't understand how twisted my own mind was to make excuses for his behavior, and on top of all of it feel that everything was my fault... somehow I'd believe his twisted logic.

[Vern]

Thanks for the update / positive feedback guys.

 

The last two weeks was so tuff. I broke NC once, but at least understand the importance of taking time out to evaluate the self / the situation / the stress. And I feel relieved to worry about a couple of less things in my life. At least I can surf the web for hours/ get my email done quicker / update my computer software / go out with other friends / make decisions just for me / think about buying a new car / reading / spend more time with family - it still hurts, very much. The focus is at least back on the self - I find that I think about her less every day.

 

The suffering was really bad on Wednesday and Thursday this week. Worried about breaking contact - but Thursday night was the best night I have had in a long time. About 2 months ago I was introduced to a fairly good-looking Swiss post-graduate student which I first thought was a lecturer (I am from the south of Africa). We made a bit of eye contact, but I left it there. Last week I was asked to lecture a post-graduate PR Management class on Thursday evenings. Not too keen I agreed - guess who walked into my class - the lady / heidi from the mountains. And she is nice - but have to go back October 05.

 

Had a text from the ex last night - telling me that If I loved her things could have been different. I could not believed my eyes. I text back and said that it is actually the other way round.

 

Vern

[Demond34]

Did she text you back after you replied to her?.... Is this the first time she broke contact?.... Seems shes trying to justify the breakup by blamiing you, or maybe shes wondering why you're not trying to make an effort.

 

Do you want her back, or is it that you miss the good times you shared and the comfort of having someone that you wanted to break contact?

 

NC is by far the toughest thing I have gone through, and I've had a few rough moments in my short life. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll come out on the other side.

[Vern]

I made contact early on Tuesday morning. She replied on Friday evening. In the past I would have phoned her back immediately - would convince her (almost beg) that it is my mistake not to talk to her for a couple of days. I would then go to her place kiss and make up. This happened about 10 times in the 11 months. This is the first time she took so long (remember I drove off with her still at a restaurant).

 

This time (last night) I did not phone her - just sent back a non-emotional text. And did not hear from her again. This is not nice. But it need to go this route for both of us to think about the relationship from the outside. I keep my mobile switched off for most of the time.

 

Do I want her back? I would answer first yes and then no. YES if it is her without her uncertainties / outbursts / verbal abuse. I love her. NO for the reasons under YES. I do not think it is up to me to make the changes in her. I have contributed a lot to this relationship - with minimal ROI. Too much give with so little in return is not worth it.

 

Maybe this relationship was more a challenge to try and make somebody "healthy" - I became to emotionally involved. Many times out of the blue she would tell me and her friends / mother that I am her psychologist (but not really saying why). I think she thought our discussions and my healthy perspective on life is / was therapy to her. And I never told her so. Later on it felt that way deep down inside me.

 

I feel like coming in from a cold night outside and slowly, but surely warming-up inside at the fireplace. I prefer the heat.

[venus777]

Well, good for you...

 

I wrote mine a long list of abusive things he did off of this website on abusive relationships and the part where is says "your situation is critical if", where Everything I had experienced except one - having been hit (though once he did tell me he wanted to wrestle me to the ground and that if I was a man he'd knock al my teeth out, something he has apologized for, but also said that he wouldn't have said it if I didn't frustrate him so much).

 

He replied with an email asking if I was trying to punish or humiliate him, that he already realizes that he was abusive. He said he doesn't feel like he can have even a friendship with a woman right now. And that he feels socially ill and socially outcase.

 

I feel so sad for him. I wrote him saying that I wasn't, that I was just angry and resentful, but that I also felt that he didn't really understand me or he wouldn't have continued to be so mean and insensitive.

 

He didn't reply.

 

I wrote him another one just saying that I wish that everything goes well with him and that I will pray for him every day that he finds happiness and has healthy friendships and relationships.

 

He hasn't replied either.

 

But that is o.k. with me. I feel sorry for him... I just wish there was some way that I could alleviate his suffering.

[Vern]

Venus - At least you are writing it out your self. l feel the writing helps a lot.

 

My situation has changed quite a bit. girlfriend phoned me last night and we decided to have a closure meeting. A lot of hard words fell. I basically gave her a "run-down" of all the things I did not like. It was tough.

 

She blamed me for "running away" when emotions get heated. Granted. I recommended therapy for her and she agreed. Hallelujah!! We have both decided to go and see a therapist - and then follow the recommendations (to go separately if required - and I said that I would support her all the way). Any advice here will be appreciated.

 

I cooked lunch for us today and we had more discussions about the last couple of months and both have decided that we are going to give ourselves another try.

[venus777]

I wish you the best of luck...

 

My real feeling is that she needs to work on herself outside of a relationship, but you are much closer to the situation and know a lot more about it...

[Demond34]

I'm glad to hear it. I hope everything works out for you guys!

[Vern]

Thanks for the support.

 

This is by no means an easy decision. I am also looking at the mistakes I am making - although I believe it will take hard work to make this relationship work. I also believe we are taking serious responsibility for our own actions - she knows where she stands with me.

 

I will by no means be blinded by the honeymoon up-cycle we are facing again. Some serious change / soul-searching / growth / trust / dealing with emotions need to manifest inside her. I want to give her a real opportunity to take time and find the beautiful person I know that she can be.