CONTROLLING AND MEAN PEOPLE.

[venus777]

My ex and I are now on a no talking basis, not for the purpose of healing so much as it is because we can't get along at all. I feel that he completely refuses to see his behavior as utterly controlling in MANY ways. I know that I made mistakes, but I don't feel that they were nearly to the magnitude or Hurtful in any kind of indelible way as his actions have been to me.

 

He's gone back in forth in his apology, one time blaming me for everything, the next email saying everything was his fault, the next time he says that it's just that our chemistry doesn't work.

 

Do you think that people who say mean things and are controlling are that way with just certain people that they don't get along with? Or that there are deeper issues?

 

I know that he went to jail for 50 days for pinning his girlfriend to the floor to get the carkeys out of her hand five years ago. And that his other serious girlfriend tried to commit suicide with a knife and now will not talk to him at all. He doesn't mention any of the dynamics that we had (though I really imagine that they may have been similar to his first girlfriend, in terms of argument).

 

Will he realize he is messed up? How many controlling men realize they have a problem and work on it? I feel horrible, but I know that I have to stay away from him because he will just continue to blame me for his problems at this time. How many men just keep living that way the rest of their lives? It's so sad!!

[poetsheart]

My ex was pretty controlling also.... he had this manipulative, controlling streak about him, and because of the way I felt about him, I kind of put up with it... He always said it was me that brought out that behaviour in him (and no-one else) but I think he has deep issues. I agree it takes two to tango, but there are certain behavioural traits that he had that i found totally controlling...My ex hardly apologised, and had this way of making me feel that everything was my fault and that I wasn't good enough. I am still coming to terms with it. Goodluck!!!

[venus777]

Yeah, me too, I always felt bad for him, that he was confused and had a hard time relating, and also that he was so "different". He is a loner and has no real friends. But then, he has NO understanding for anything that I do wrong and no patience for me, and also never realized how much of myself that I sacrificed for him... no appreciation whatsoever, just continued cruel treatment.

 

Sigh. I can't believe I put so much energy towards him, and still I just wish things weren't this bad between us. I just hope that some day he has this wake up call and *realizes* how messed up he was...

[girl_83]

give it time and tell him u really need your space. Think about what you really want and where you think this relationship is heading.

[twizod]

I would say the only thing you can do for now is take responsibility for yourself. In a relationship, it takes two people to make it happen...good or bad. I would concentrate on yourself and why you chose someone who has a history of emotional instability and aggression. Who's to say you don't find a new b/f with the same problems? He is responsible for himself and his actions and you are responsible for yours. Stop worrying about him admitting guilt when it took two parties to cause it. Worry about yourself first and foremost.

[venus777]

I already do, I can't believe I let myself be with someone that treated me that bad so consistently and for that long!! It might seem ridiculous to you, but really, in my mind it was mostly his fault, and what was my fault was letting him treat me that way. He was incredibly controlling and verbally abusive and I just made all sorts of excuses for his behavior, that he was just confused and felt bad for him.

 

But it isn't that I don't accept my part (though, naturally, it would seem that way to you) but just that he is in complete Denial about most everything that he did. I just want him to see that he was messed up and know it and feel sorry about it, which he doesn't.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

It is sad when men are like that. Mean and controlling. But on the other hand, people are mean and controlling if you LET them. Believe me, I have first hand experience with this type of relationship. I knew from the bottom of my heart that this was wrong and I deserve better but on the surface, I was hoping I can only have this happen for so long before I see the light at the end of the tunnel. WRONG!!! The tunnel only gets longer and longer and the light gets dimmer and dimmer the longer I stayed.

 

I totally agree with twizod's post. He has to take responsibilty for himself and as you do too. Don't fry your brains pondering why he is the way he is and how can he sleep at night by being this way. Just take this as a leasson learned and strength and wisdom you gained from the ordeal and use it to your advantage when you find someone else to be with. Lots of luck to you and take care.

[buba]

He sounds very abusive. he probably had a history of abuse in his family and it's normal to him.

I know it's very hard for you now, but in most cases abusers will blame others for their actions and rarely will take responsibility for themselves.

he spend 50 days in jail for abusing his ex? And obviously haven't learned much.

Take care of yourself. I had a similar situation and thought that love will qonquer all and he, my husband/ pothead/abuser will change.

Wrong! he never sees any wrong, and if he does, it doesn't last long!

The only good thing that came out of this misery is that I really wanted to figure things out and am now working on my M.A in clinical Psychology.

I will never get involved with another abuser again.

You're lucky to be rid of him.