My Best Friend.

[Dau]

So jamesy, you think I should have just kept my feelings in and demean myself over time? I know quite well the difference between love and a crush. I had a crush on a friend for 5 years, but only a crush, not full love. I was interested in him all that time, but I no longer am. I never did love him though. Now I almost hate him because of what he's done to me and others in the past.

 

My best friend, however, I do love. Love is where you feel more whole when you are with that special someone. When you want to be them for as long as you live. That you want to understand that person to the full extent and share your emotions. When you're willing to make sacrifices for their care. And most importantly, when you care about them at least as much as you do yourself.

 

However, obsession is different. If you go through your life constantly thinking about the person, you stalk them, and distract things you need to do with your thoughts on that person, such as not doing homework or any classwork because you can't stop thinking about them, that's obsession. But thinking about the person on your free time, when you're not really doing anything, that can be love.

 

Sometimes you must make sacrifices, sometimes you cannot always focus on them, you must take of yourself too. That is what I had to do. I care about him, and I don't want him to fail in life. I don't know how to give motivation, and in a way I thought I could tell him my feelings in exchange for his hard work, to motivate him. To tell him that I'll tell him something important if he tries harder. It might have worked. But he somehow persuaded me to tell him. And I did.

 

Now I regret telling him because I feel it may have hurt him in the end, however only time can tell the final effects. This may work for the better, or for worse, or in the future things may seem unchanged. But for things to change, there must be a testing phase inbetween, and often it's not a good phase. That's where we're at now.

 

As for him 'commiting the same crime' as me, that's a bit different. I chose to tell him my innermost feeling of him, and if his true opinions are homophobic, his instant reaction is going to be out of shock. I can't expect him to be okay with it at first, just about any questionable guy probably wouldn't respond positively to such a thing.

 

By ignoring him, he may think I'm mad at him for not accepting my feelings. I don't think I'm mad. Just disappointed, sad, depressed, and alone. But was it right for me to ignore him like that? Getting on with life and pretending the past didn't exist is something he and I can never do. We always try to fix things and make things better for the future.

 

This, however, is a unique situation, on a far more important scale than anything before. Because our friendship is so close and well structured as it is, it's probably no wonder we've never had any kind of fights or seperations. This is the biggest test our friendship has ever had, and probably ever will.

 

As good as friends that we are, I don't think we should react to each other in equal amounts, as we're on two very different standpoints for the situation. Because of what I've done, I don't think we can just ignore what happened. It's too major to ignore. Our friendship will most likely be changed for the rest of our lives, for better or worse.

 

For a week I had trouble breathing, and I didn't know why. After I told him my feelings, I've been able to breathe easier. Go figure. It wasn't my choice to have those feelings, nor was it my choice to have effects on my body because of the feelings. It was my choice to bring it out, to ease my mind, and to tell him how I really feel. But the price is how he will react and how our friendship will be in the future, something I still don't know the cost of.

[jamesy1234]

there are different types of love, and there is nothing wrong in loving our friends, but it depends on how this is put. Why did you not tell him , you love him as a friend, rather than saying I'am in love with you. These are 2 different things. The first would have been a good starting point, but I guess it is done now. I guess you better either leave the situation as it is or try and repair it. I thought this was about trying to help your friend with issues, not giving him more problems. Maybe the guy is straight and likes you as a friend, nothing more - is this possible ??? Listen, you are going to have to have a very frank talk with your friend face to face, and tell him you are sorry for putting him in this situation, and tell him you got the wrong signals, but you do love him as your friend, and would like to stay friends. There is nothing wrong with love, but is it possible that this guy, just wants to be friends and you have got it all wrong ??? May not, may yes. But unless he tells you, you have not got a chance. Wise up !!!

[UT]

The thread started: Dau was suspecting his friend might gay and now he had developed feelings for him.

 

Then it went on. He finally got the confidence to tell his friend and he got rejection.

 

There might be something in the last part of your post that makes sense.

 

Try to repair and if he's gay, weather he knows it now or realizes it later, he will tell you when he feels ready.

[Jack65]

I konw what its like for friends to start acting weird on you when you announce something they never expected.

With women ....(Im a lesbian ... I like to think I know women!)

when you come out to you r friends they can kind of see where you are coming from. Think about it, when a completely straight person looks in the mirror of a morning, they must find something quite attractive about themselves to go out looking the way they do! ( That is one hell of a long post!) With straight people its what they admire and like about people of their own sex that often defines what they choose to wear or the hairstyle they have etc... When they discover that this person they admire/ like as a buddy ( you know what I mean) is actually gay/ Bi then I think it must light some spark in them that says ' why is this person like this?' partly questioning their own sexuality and a thought of why we are all like we are. I don't think they realise it but I guess thats what happens. Subconscious mumbo jumbo. Everyone wants to be different but in a cool way, and I would take it as a sign of respect that your friend reacted as he did.

Straight person; ' are you going to hit on me?'

GAy/Bi person: ' No'

Staight person (thought): ' Ok ... hes bound to say that.... I need to find out..... if he hits on me i would freak out! '

So he does what he does... namely exposes himself to you. When you are young or there is an age gap it is hard to restrain yourself when a beautiful person presents their mosts intimate things to you, but you got to go with it. If he is screwed up at the moment especially.... no sexual anything!!!! You are best mates. The role of a best mate is not to sleep with his other best mates because he fancies them. Prove your are a best mate by not going on any sexual rampage with this guy ... it could spoil a really good friendship. Sex with mates never works out nicely in the end... I know!!!

Good luck any way dude!

Jack65

[Dau]

Well, I apologized to him. And he didn't understand me. I told him I was sorry for ignoring him, and he thought I was just having a bad day. I then explained it was because of him, and that I wasn't really sure why, that I just didn't want to do anything wrong. Still confused, he confusingly accepted the apology and that was pretty much it.

 

The next day (today), I called him telling him I was sick and might get worse tomorrow so since he drives me home, that I might not be there to be driven home tomorrow. For the next 20 minutes we talked about times we got sick and what happened. Out of nowhere. And we talked pretty normal too, although every now and then he'd ask if that's all I had to say, as if hinting at something.

 

I guess things are becoming normal again, although we both need to finalize what I said the other night so that things will finally work themselves out instead of thoughts building up inside each other until one of us bursts.

 

And by the way, while I'm looking for a relationship that's greater than friendship, I'm not looking for sex, especially because I believe that sex doesn't make a relationship, it only emphasizes it once its strong enough to uphold such an act. So while that would be nice to have, I think a couple should only have sex once they're ready and willing to express their love for each over in such a way, and know what they're doing. Even though I'm a virgin, my heart tells me this, and I believe it to be the ultimate truth.

 

I don't *want* to force anything on him. Sometimes I might have to as a friend, to try and help him. However love cannot be forced, it just comes and goes. I really do love him, and my life would be very empty without him. True, I havn't always known him, and that doesn't mean my life before knowing him was empty, but knowing him know and my love of him makes me believe it would be emptied with his removal.

 

He loves me in a sibling/brotherly way, but not in a one-to-one love. At least, that's what he says. I honestly believe that he's either denying his true feelings for me, or that he doesn't realize it. I'm getting too many signals that would prove this to be true. But when I confront him with it I get mixed signals, and things become awkward. That's when I don't know what to do.

 

While I want him and I to have a close relationship, I can't make him feel the same toward me, and if he never does that would sadden me; however I can do nothing but accept it and move on. As the popular saying goes and as my friend reminded me, "Love is two way street". If it only goes one direction, it isn't complete love, only desired love.

 

I really want to ask him what his feelings and thoughts about this new situation are, but considering we're just now finally talking normal again, it may be too soon. Eventually I may find the right moment to confront him.

 

And wow, I type out long posts don't I?

[UT]

Yes you do, but long posts are good. At least I like them.

 

We are only humans and sometimes we let our feelings or hope for something interpret an action or a signal. The signal will be what you want it to be because it's your desire (you don't have to be aware of this). We don't control our feelings (even though we'd like to think we do), they control us.

 

(I'm reading way too much psychology )

[jamesy1234]

Glad your sorted. Best way , if you want to stay friends - repair it. But take some advice, dont dwell on it nor put your life on hold. Be mates, but also consider yourself and your future. Dont waste time hoping, either accept this or move on. Please do yourself a big favour and dont get screwed up over this. He has already told you, he loves you like a brother, so I guess this is it. Next time he flirts ( or you think he is ) or an opportunity arises, take it, make your move - touch him, kiss him or whatever, to see if he responds, even ask does he want you to rub his back, or ask him to do yours. Then take it from there. See if he enjoys it. Again dont waste your time, if he is not interested in you.

[tobermoon]

I must say that I was very touched by reading your posts, Dau. Perhaps these types of relationships are fairly common, but who can say? I can tell you that I experienced something very similar... in fact a couple of times. The major difference being that I was unable to express my feelings openly, despite the tension and innuendo. At that time in my life, I had no support stucture and was desperately afraid of losing the friendships that I had. Despite everything, I wish I WOULD have opened up. If for nothing else than for him to truly see me. He claimed he was straight, but had most of the classic signs...

 

I am still (10 years later) wondering how things might have turned out. Especially since I bumped into him at a gay bar a couple years ago.

 

I am really impressed that you had the guts to do what I couldn't. As well, I hope you don't regret coming out to him. My fear and upbringing held me back from realizing who I was until I was 28.... thats a lot of lonely years.

 

It's important that he understands who you are on your terms, and can accept it. The fact that he hasn't abandoned you means more than I can say. He is obviously experiencing a really rough time and having a good friend like you is extremely important to his well being. I urge you to continue being his friend, but give him the space he needs when he needs it, be careful not to smother him. There are many possible outcomes and you have to love him enough to let him find himself in the meantime.

[Dau]

Honestly right now I just want to ask him if he wants to talk about it, and if not then I'll just let him talk when he wants. I know eventually he'll want to, it's part of his personality

[UT]

If you don't think it's too early for him then go ahead. As long as it won't do any more damage.

[Dau]

I don't know if it did or not.. I called him last night to ask about the homework he delivered after school since I was sick, but somehow he knew I wanted to ask him something and he bugged me about it, so I asked, and he was like "oh.." and kinda changed the subject.

 

Today when he drove me home he said "you sound like you're better" as we got in his truck. But he was totally silent the drive to my house, and he looked depressed. I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing, I'm fine." At one point when we got to my street it looked like his eyes had watered up, but I didn't say anything.

[My thoughts on this are of two things: One possibility is that he might have started to have feelings for me, or realized that he's had them, and regrets having them or doesn't know what to do. Another possibility is that he might not want to be my friend anymore. And a stray third which is as likely, possibly more, is that something else is upsetting him that has nothing to do with me, but I fear that isn't it.]

 

In any case, I can tell something is very wrong, and I'm really worried about him. I tried calling him but I guess he must be at band practice right now, so I'll call later (if my phoneline is working at the time; animals chewed up the phoneline in the attic earlier today and my dad tried fixing it, half the time it won't work though, so I'm lucky to be online right now).

[UT]

Sorry about the line.

 

I guess there isn't much to add. good luck I hope you can figure out what's wrong and hope it isn't you. ohh, and keep us "up to date"

[Dau]

Ah, I talked with him, and he said he was pissed off about someone in band from 1st period, and he had to deal with it again at the end of the day during the pep rally. Today we went off campus for lunch and acted like we always do, talked on the way to class, etc. Things are going well, but I still can't help but feel we need to talk one to one about last week. *sigh* I don't think he wants to yet though.

 

Oh and yes, I'll keep y'all updated

[UT]

great, good to hear you weren't the problem.

[Dau]

Now he's the problem I'm probably being a bit immature about this, but I *really* don't like it when I get threats/blackmailed over simple things. Really, I don't. Such things only come from the evil in a person, when they're normally withheld.

 

So let me explain what happened.. the other day our phoneline got ate up, the microwave died. Ugh, annoying. Yesterday my sound system died. ARGH! Today, our dogs chewed up their (second) water container AND chewed up the hose. Last time the chewed up their water container, they destroyed it (it was the first one), and my dad just about killed them. With what they did today, I really don't want to be here when he gets home.

 

So I called my best friend (whose name I still withhold, because no matter what I'll respect him, even in times like this) asking if I could come over, after explaining the situation, and because of complications I can't. (Um, wonderful. My dad just walked got home.. lovely timing.)

 

Ahem. So then my best friend says I should probably go to my other friend's house, but I don't want to because I told him about my best friend and I. On a little side note, last time I told this other friend about my best friend and I, and while he was okay with it, I'm weirded out after telling him. Considering he's never had an interest in relationships at all and I've questioned his sexuality many times, although very recently he (Uh, I just heard a loud noise from outside my room.. not a good sign. Did I mention my step-dad has a very very short temper..?) almost got a girlfriend, but she wouldn't go out with him because she just broke up with someone.

 

But I wouldn't tell my best friend that I shared this bit of info. And he wanted to know why I don't want to go there, and he kept asking and asking and asking (this is over the phone again, mind you) and eventually said that if I didn't tell him (in a very serious tone, one that breaks the bluff zone and goes into serious land) then he wouldn't drive me home anymore because he wouldn't be able to trust me, and asked how can we trust each other if we can't tell each other things?

 

Well I'm sorry but theres countless times he refused to tell me things and I didn't try and blackmail HIM. I tried to make him change his mind but he kept with it, and said that he'd stop talking with me. So I just said "That's just rude" and immediately hung up on him. He tried calling a few times, tried to leave messages, but I grabbed the phone and hung it up before he could continue.

 

And that's where the immaturity came in, but I felt like I got stabbed in the back because of him. So I suppose this is the first fight he and I had, and it was because of him.

 

I am displeased..

[UT]

Well, maybe you were a little childish but it's understandable. Besides we're only human.

 

He never should have done that. Not like that. Nagging about it is okay but not giving an ultimatum.

 

 

--------------------------------

 

Your problems at the house are major. Much more than I have. But I live on that 8th floor and we don't have a dog. Hope things will turn out for the better. I really wish I could do more.

[Dau]

You know, I think I actually hate him now, because that's the only word I can think of when I think of him now. I almost feel used because of him. I've gone through a lot of pain and inner-suffering because of him. Is it worth it?

 

Why do I continue to try to be around him, to interact with him, to be with him as a friend, when I get nothing in return? And then he goes and tries to use a bond between us as ammo to get information out of me. How can a person be so cruel? It might not be something ultimately important but on a larger scale it means a lot.

 

It means he decided to be selfish for his own personal gain to get something from me, and if he didn't get what he wanted, I would be the one to suffer. What kind of friend is that?

 

When I confessed my feelings and he basically rejected me, I felt like I could never be in a relationship. After this I feel like I can never have a close friend, because in the end it just hurts. Add those together and I just plain feel worthless.

 

Life. Sucks.

[UT]

When people betray us we know we feel alone and don't know if we ever can trust that person again. but when we are betrayed by someone we love it's much worse.

 

Tell him how you feel about this. He can't do that. I don't think you hate him but you feel so betrayed and so hurt right now. If he doesn't love you and he won't respond to your love then sooner or later your feelings for him will... maybe not die, but laid to rest.

 

You could see this as a way for him to find out as much as possible. Maybe he's unsure of himself. earlier I tried to find out as much as possible about people I met without letting them know anything about me. but that was in the old days when I was really unsure of my sexuality. I wanted to know if there was anything wrong with me. Then I developed an interest for educational programmes and learned a great deal from there. But then again I didn't go to the lengths he has

[Dau]

I guess I havn't thought about it that way.. and betrayed, that's the word I've been looking for. I need to talk to him, and considering we have a class and lunch right after together, that's an opportunity, but yesterday he passed by me in the hall and glanced at me like I was anyone else.

 

I just woke up about 10 minutes ago but I'm already annoyed at him, by the time I get to school I'll be mad again, and I remember yesterday I was mad at him until my second class, then I passed by him on the way to my third and all my life was drained out of me.

[UT]

Try not to think too much about what he did. Concentrate on what you want to achieve.

[Dau]

Today he didn't speak a word or even look at me, and we even have a class together and he practically sits right next to me. When I got a ride home with some friends instead of getting a ride home with him, my friend told me that my best friend told him that he's never driving me home again. So when I got home, I went straight to my room and cried.

 

But then I sucked it up, got online, and talked it out with some friends. My theory that I've come up with is that he probably doesn't want to talk to me because he's giving me space, as he did try and call me back right when I hung up on him the other day. He probably thinks I'm so pissed off at him that I won't want him to take me home anymore. That isn't entirely the case anymore.

 

However, an online friend of mine has the idea that my best friend may be jealous, saying it's just possible that he thought maybe I and my other friend had something going and thats why I wouldn't tell him, which isn't true but it could be a possible thought, especially if he's actually taking interest in me (which I still think is a strong possibility, just withheld in him).

 

I don't know, it could be on either end of the spectrum. Only time, patience, and courage can figure this out.

[Dau]

I think he was a big support for me for the past year or so. We've been such great friends. But apparently we no longer are. At all. A mass majority of my self confidence was built when being friends with him. He returned my call I sent to him on his cellphone, I explained my feelings at the moment, my ideas, my thoughts, saying that he was very wrong to do what he did, and that I was hurt (to summarize it). All he did was acknowledge it. I asked for his opinions and he refused, stating that he's entitled to his own opinions. And I said if he's not going to talk, then it'd be pointless for me to talk, and that I suppose we're not longer going to talk. All he did was say okay, give a moment of silence, and I exchanged a Bye, then hung up.

 

If this isn't a friendship breakup, I don't know what it is. But I no longer consider him a friend, and because of him, of this, I honestly don't feel like living anymore, because I don't feel that I can ever, ever have a relationship, or even a friend. All people do to me anymore is destroy me piece by piece until nothing is left, and I never do anything wrong. What has this world come to? Why live in such a world? It's pointless.

[Dau]

Okay well.. I just had the longest, most importance conversation with him, than I've had with anyone else that I've ever communicated with. Damn. I promised that I wouldn't speak of anything from our conversation, and I keep my promises.

 

But I will say two things: he'll be driving me home tomorrow, and I know that, unless things dramatically change, theres no chance in hell that he's gay. Our conversation went to the deepest level of trust tonight. All things questionable have been answered, and I'm sitting here in mere shock.

[UT]

Nothing is pointless, especially life. My first crush never even got to know that I liked him and everything was a mess, my feelings versus my pride. At times I wondered if it was worth it, if anything I did was worth anything. What meaning it possibly could have. However I never came out, I never came on to him. Slowly, painfully my feelings died and I built a wall around me, again.

 

Before that I already had a wall and because of my secret I didn't allow any feelings to show for about a year or two there I was (on the surface) emotionless, cynical and indifferent to almost everything.

 

Well, that's all over now, just don't give up on life. I almost did a few times.

 

 

-------------------------------------

 

Well, you made promise to him and I won't try to get anything out of you. I'm glad you're still friends, I'm sorry you couldn't be more.

 

You finally got your big talk to him. Although the outcome wasn't totally to your satisfaction, you still have him in your life.

[Dau]

The part that scares me is that, if something bad happens, he'll make the decision to be in no one's life, and I feel as if I'm the only person that can help him. And if I can't, that's when I need to get someone else to help me, to fulfill the promise of getting outside help when desperate measures come in, even if he hates me for it. It's what he and I agreed to.

 

While we have made up, things got more complicated in our friendship, and I must be extremely careful not to make him depressed or do anything stupid, because it could cost him his life. It's kinda scary right now.. I just need to do the right thing. Luckily I no longer have the need to give up on anything now. He and I need each other, which is why we're such good friends. I just hope things work out for the best, and that there won't be as such heavy worries.