When you like someone...

[Stinkweed]

This is a question mainly directed towards girls, but anyone can answer really. When you like someone, is it because you're just suddenly drawn to this person, or is it a conscius choice?

[Ms Omaniac]

personally...i get drawn if our personalities click. i click with so few people...that when i finally do...it's immediate attraction.

 

- ivy

[DropToZero]

This goes for just about anyone, and if you don't know it already, learn it...attraction is NOT a choice. So many people think too logically when it comes to trying to attract someone of the opposite sex...and that's just not how it works. It's just a gut feeling...now I'm sure there are people who can't seem to find that one person in life, and give up and settle for someone they consider a 'good' person to be with for the rest of their life...but I don't want that. If attraction was a conscious choice, then there would be a lot less drama in the world...I'm pretty sure anyone could back me up on that.

[BellaDonna]

attraction is NOT a choice

 

I agree. I think it even gets more general than that...because I feel that "liking" someone, in the most basic definition of the word, is not a choice either. You either do or you don't. I think that goes for romantically and just plain friendship and platonic human to human interactions.

 

You can consciously decide to tolerate or accept people that you don't "like"....but I don't think you can turn dislike into like or non-attraction in attraction.

 

There is some research that suggests that familiarity increases attraction, i.e. the more you see someone the more likely they are going to appear attractive to you in some way. However, I'm pretty sure you'd have to have a relatively positive view of them BEFORE, during the first time you saw/met them, and that the repeated exposure to them would just increase those positive feelings, or make you notice/admire qualities about them that you would not have noticed earlier on.

 

I don't think you can just decide to like someone.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

attraction is NOT a choice.

Yeah, that is the point I've tried to bring accross for as long as I've whined on these boards. For men and women if you see someone who is incredibly handsome/pretty then naturally you are going to be attracted to them and maybe even develop a crush of sorts if their behavior is right. Yes personality/clicking wil help you get in the room, but the attraction gets your foot in the door to keep it from closing. It is not wrong to be physically attracted to someone by looks, it's just sad that some of us do not have that power to attract.

[lillady898]

For me, it is an unconscience choice whether or not I find them physically attractive. When it comes to personality, I find I have been attracted to people who were just wrong for me- But I was able to have the will power to avoid taking things further with them. How far the attraction will take you really depends on how firmly you believe in what you want in a partner.

[abcd1234]

I agree with what everyone has said. I dont think that you can consciously develop a crush on someone, it just happens! Its a gut feeling, a subconscious thought pattern, whatever you want to call it!

 

Ive learned recently that if you like someone then you should go for it, dont sit around worrying about whether they like you or not. Just wait for the right moment and ask them out. Because at the end of the day, if you never act on your crushes then (as BellaDonna said) you may end up with somebody that you think is a good person, but subconsciously not the person that you have always wanted to be with. I dont want to be that person, and im sure none of you do!

 

You only live once....

[Stinkweed]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I believed it had to be unconscious, but since nowadays everyone makes it conscious and everything's about majority rule, I didn't know who was right, them or us... (and who is right in the end, anyway?). Best wishes.

[rvr350]

I think it's a good discussion on the subject of attraction. For the guys, we attract to girls that have a nice face, a nice body, generally visual clues. It is also molded somewhat by our culture, i.e. tv, movies and such... But for that attraction to grow, it needs more than the outside. It takes personality, and the gut feeling that you know the other person feels the same.

 

I don't know about girls, but if you go on a date with a guy that you don't think it "clicked" the first time, do you agree to go on 1 more date to confirm or do you just go your different ways?

 

Thanks.

[jordan_2]

yep totally agree with everyone

 

if attraction was a choice, love would be non existent..

 

think of that last time you liked someone sooo much, if you could choose not to, then you wouldn't like them...but in reality, there's always gonna be that small part of you (the "instinctual" side) that will always have that natural attraction towards someone...

 

I guess you can say that the actions that you choose, and the personality that you choose will be reflected in the person that you like, but this can get really complicated lol

and that is why you call it love...it's not suppose to make sense, but it's beautiful nontheless

[abcd1234]

So i guess that leads to the next logical question: is it possible to be just friends with someone whom you are attracted to more than just physically??

 

Sorry. I dont mean to hijack your thread dead eyes, but this just seems to be the logical question to ask.

[Stinkweed]

Sorry. I dont mean to hijack your thread dead eyes, but this just seems to be the logical question to ask.

 

No problem. I think that's a good question, given that I've never been in that situation (I can't say I've been very attracted to someone, cause whenever I find a girl interesting, things go awry). So I would like to know too if something like that is possible.

[lillady898]

So i guess that leads to the next logical question: is it possible to be just friends with someone whom you are attracted to more than just physically??

 

I don't think it's impossible, but like I said in my previous post, it takes an immense amount of willpower.

 

Emotions are very powerful, and many times override logic.

 

Personally, I don't know if I'd ever attempt at a friendship if other emotions are involved. It's really hard to say unless you're actually in the situation. I guess it comes down to whether or not that attraction would be too powerful to bottle up.

[ShySoul]

Attraction is very logical, if you look at it the right way. It may creep up on you without you being aware, but when you take the time to look at it, you can see that there was a reason you started liking someone. The girl I'm in love with, she fits perfectly with many of the things I've always wanted, even if I wasn't concously thinking of them when I met her. We carry most of the same beliefs and values, and she has a fantastic heart. She can be shy and hard on herself, much like me, so we can relate to each other there. We are also a good match in our differences. She motivates me to work through the the problems I've dealt with in the past and makes me want to do things I hadn't thought I'd get to do. And I help her to relieve herself of the feeling that she needs to be the sturdy rock for everyone else, she can lean on me. That we like each other makes perfect sense.

 

If you think about your past, your family, your friends, how you view yourself, your strengths and weaknesses.... its easy to figure out what attracts us and why. The hard part is admitting it to ourselves.

 

And yes, you can change what you are attracted to. How else do you explain the people who go for bad boys or girls, end up hurt, then settle down with someone who really cares?

[Lily04]

Regarding the first question: I think it is subconscious. Attraction is still acknowledged because you may recognize that the person is physically attractive, and note the qualities you like, but too often it happens all at once, and you can't really control whether or not you like the person. I have tried not being attracted to guys I've liked many times... it's tough. One guy I met in my first year.. he was a few years older than me, and we clicked instantly. It was tough because he was in a long-distance relationship and he was really committed to her, which I respected. But at the same time the attraction was really undeniable. So how do you deal with that situation?

 

He left before we could become really close, but he said he regretted not asking me out for coffee before he left. I recently e-mailed him to ask something (I haven't much before) and he said I should e-mail him from time to time to let him know how things go, we should keep in touch... I think there's still a part in both of us that thinks that something might have evolved if the time was right, but it wasn't... but in the future something may happen, who knows.

 

So I believe that attraction is subconscious but the conscious part comes in in assessing the practicality of a relationship. It's one thing to be attracted to someone, another to date them. If the timing is wrong, it may be difficult to make it work...

[rachelb]

For me, I'm either attracted or not attracted. It's as simple as that. You see the person and immediately I'll know. Sometimes though the more you get to know the person, the more or less attracted you become because of their personality and quirks. But if you're talking about first glance or initial impressions, it's either IT or not. It's NOT a choice.