why is gettin a date for me so hard

[joe45]

ok my question is this is it really that hard these days for a avg guy-asian to get a girl to go out with you-asian or white girl.

i have tried like 3-4 x's in my 2 yrs in college, one said no -maybe next time-remember guys if u recall the leanne situtaion like of last yr, another one a girl from my other class-got her e mail after talking to her on the bus-ask her out no responce of 3 e mails, another girl said i wasn;t her type. i have read a lot of advice from u guys and other forums -don;t be desperate, be cool, take it or leave it approach....

for some reason not sure but i do try -i find it hard gettin just a date-girl to hang out with u . these girl aren't stunners like decent to good looking-i'm not a decent looking guy too.

the first girl i screwed up with is i went too fast and too eager -didn;t got for the number or e mail addy, second one i did but e mailed me after i e mailed her a second time,-seems like no interest.

do girls these days in their 20's don;t want to date or are they looking for the best they can get. what is it

how do u guys or gals do it-its hardddd for me just to get a date to get a gal to hang out with u-movies, hang out at the fair, shopping , anything. i treid online-no success either -you talk to ppl on IM but nothing.

[Beec]

Joe45,

 

I don't know what to tell you. If I was there watching you, I might be able to see and suggests changes to your apporach. But I don't know anyone who can do that. I think you need to try and keep learning and evaluating your approach.

 

If you want to really learn, find guys who get the kind of women you are after, and go hang out with them. Watch them work. Adapt what they do to you.

 

I have a friend who watched all of the DVD by Dave D'Angelo (link removed) and thinks the guy really knows how to do some things. But one thing he noticed is that the guys who use those exact approaches don't get the women he wants. The guys don't tend to get the smart, shy, nice, professional women he is after. Maybe watching and reading D'Angelo's stuff could help, but you also might need to adapt it.

 

The onyl way to really work on it is to keep learnign and keep trying. You have tried 3-4 times in two years. I've gone out and tried 3-4 times in two weeks and soemtimes even in two days and two hours. The more you try, the better off you get.

 

Dating is really set of skills work on your skills. If you ant, pm me, I'll give you some suggestions.

[chai714]

Joe,

There are some simple things to improve THEIR chances of being able to go out on a date with YOU. Notice how you're improving THEIR chances? This is the mentality you must have. Be confident in what you bring to the table, whether it be intelligence, you're good at sports, you're good with children, or you can name any piece of art and it's time period.

 

Secondly, smile. I don't know any single person who hates it when other people smile at them. Smiling implys acceptance, confidence, and happiness, all of which most people find attractive.

 

Take some time to people watch. I used to sit there with my friend and analyze people's behavior. I sat there and watched couples to see their body language. You can tell how comfortable a person is, and what their mood is, whether or not they are attracted, if they're not telling the truth . ..there's lots to see. I still do this all the time, so try it yourself and you can learn. Also, I recommend checking out a book on body language.

 

Meanwhile, work on yourself. Take a measure of what you bring to the table, whether it be good looks, high earning potential, good genetics, or whatever you can think of. Take note of these things. If you don't like a certain something about yourself, change it. There are periods in ones life where he has a choice - to grow and improve, or to sit back and watch and hope for something. I would think that you're interested in growing and improving yourself since you posted here. Anyhow, take some time and observe people and read up on how people work. There are a few good pieces of literature out there.

[MrSalsa69]

Joe,Secondly, smile. I don't know any single person who hates it when other people smile at them. Smiling implys acceptance, confidence, and happiness, all of which most people find attractive.

 

I agree, but if it is fake than you give off the impression that you are being to eager to please her. Don't smile to impress her. Smile to show that you honestly are impressed by her wit and cander!

 

Women are very smart when it comes to body language. They sense things like that!

[chai714]

Don't smile to impress her. Smile to show that you honestly are impressed by her wit and cander!

 

How does smiling impress her? It's not meant to impress her. How do you smile to show that you're honestly impressed by her wit and cander if you've never met her? You don't. That's not the reason you smile. You smile because you're happy (either to see her, or because you're happy, or both). It's a universally sign of acceptance and confidence. Or, you could give her a half grin, half serious face and hold eye contact. If she holds it too, keep going forward with whatever you're talking to her about.

 

As far as females being able to read body language - believe it or not this is a learned skill that most people don't pay enough attention to. The trained eye can spot different body language signs and be able to interpret them, but I disagree that most females are able to read your body language.

[joe45]

ok my converstaion is like this school based. this is a gal that was in a previous class of mine and now is in the same class also this semester too.

me-so how did u do in psych class

her-good

me-yea me too, lot of reading hey i hated it, but it was interesting

her-yea i hate reading too

me-so what courses u taking this semester

her-ah business, physics ,bio, law

me-OB, business planning, accounting,

me-ah i hate physics can't calculate numbers,why u takin it

her-ah i hate physics too, i take it b/c no other electives.

 

goes something like that-pretty much basic cas conversation about something we have in common or experienced.

now i'm working at some tech place-yea all guys no gurls so far well just my first 2 days so who nows -but i doubt i see any gals. yea great hey.

i was thinkin of picking up and getting gals numbers on the bus or gals waiting for the bus-any advice and tips .well since i have no other way of meeting gals now, that just great hey

 

 

link removed

 

here are my pics

[LIFE]

There's something seriously wrong with that conversation...."I hate this...I hate that."

[Beec]

When you dislike everything, you don't seem very attractive. Talk about things you like, or things she likes which would be better.

 

What's also wrong is that you are just giving us the words. Actual words are only 4% or so of communication. Body langauge is 90% of it, and tone of voice and manner of speech about 6%. So, you just told us a small fraction of a conversation and missed the real picture.

[jordan_2]

dude,

u gotta lighten up man!!

i think it's good that you see your goal, but your not taking the time and genuine effort to even get to that point.

 

The point is to have taht presense and confidence (which I'm sure you have), but I think that most of all, you need patience. You need to find out first off, whether or not the girl you like is right for you.

 

Don't jump into a hopeful relationship, cuz all your assumptions about this girl can be dad wrong.

 

Also, dude be happy, if you're gonna bad talk subjects or whatever (like Beec and LIFE have already noted) try not to...lol if you have to, joke about it at least to lighten up the mood. From personal experience, girls respond to confident guys that can joke around and be positive...that doesn't mean that you be an air headed jerk about things and be over charismatic (and oh yes that's possible)...instead be the nice guy that you know, maybe help the girl with physics or be her friend...and, like i said before, the friendship will hopefully eventually evolve into a relationship....

 

keep us posted bud

 

 

p.s. don't let the colour of your skin affect your chances of a date....lol honestly looks go with time, but personality is there forever man

[joe45]

well some of my other converations are like this

this situation the students rate the teacher on the instructors performance:

 

me: i gave the teacher like 2 of of 5 in every rating, i don;t like this teacher he sucks and hes a hard teacher, what did u give the teacher rating wise

her: hmm i a easy marker so i gave him like 4 out of 5's. yea but his tests are hard that for sure

me: omg why did u give him 4, he sucks. oh i now u like him hey, ah why don;t u ask him out-jokin wise yea hey u like him ahhh

her: yea he sooo hot-sacrastically stayin it.

me: wooo why don;t u just ask him out-teasing and joking with her

me: i like our business planning teacher more-easy test, less homework and funny. this teacher sucks i don't like him, i study so hard and i still get a low mark i hate it.

her: yea blah blah-not sure what she said.

me: u going to a degree after this dilpioma program

her-yea i am maybe univ of bc , and how about u

me , degree for me would take forever and anyways i'm 24 by that time i be so old like 26 or 27, if i do i do, i don;t plan things. anyways school for me is boring.

her by the time i finish my degree i be like 24-so old yea

 

ok that some pieces of my conversations-advice or what should i have said

[jordan_2]

dude i'm gonna say it again...

 

you're too into trying to impress the girl and getting her to like you, than actually gaining the friendship frmo her first.

 

First off, like i said before, you're doing that whole negative "I hate this, I hate that" (as LIFE so nicely put it)... you can talk about how much you may hate a subject and stuff, but at your age i think it seems a little immature on your part. I'm 17 and even at this age it's kinda funny cuz everyone in school talks about the teacher that they hate w/e but in university/college it seems more of a professional atmopshere hence girls, or at this point women, will want to see a more spohisticated, mature individual....

 

now moving on to this actual convo you were talking about...I think you're more interested in the idea of a girl liking you than you genuinly liking a girl.. I know that when I talk to a girl that I like, or any girl for that matter, there is a level of respect that you have to show them, and part of this respect is to actually listen to what they have to say (and yes you HAVE to listen lol).. I know that I hang on to every word that the girl that I like says to me, because u can bring these little details up in further conversations and show that you actually give a crap about her....

this whole

her: yea blah blah-not sure what she said

 

shows that you don't really care about what she has to say, you're just more interested in what you think you know about her...

 

Sorry for sounding like a jerk at all, but that's what I'm getting from your response.

[chai714]

Joe,

Again, the other poster and Beec pinpointed one major area of improvement: your attitude. Remember that positivity radiates and draws people in. Everyone wants to have a happy, positive outlook on life and when they're around you they seem to have the life drained out of them by your attitude. It takes practice, but you can have a better attitude by finding all the right things about that teacher. You can always change the subject if you don't like talking about the teacher, for example HER INTERESTS. People want to be heard, and especially females. If you can listen and listen closely, she'll tell you what she likes doing, her hobbies, etc, and you'll get a good feel for her. But, this is a skill like anything else and takes practice. Your assignment should start with being more positive. Focus on what is good and right about things and people.

[joe45]

it might also be a social issue-everyone in college-since it is a small college tend to have their own soical group of friends they talk with in the cafertia-i eat my lunch on the bench by myself. ppl have thier own group and friends when ur a loner or belong to no group -if a girl dates u her friend may think she is dating a guy below her or like why are u dating or hang with him.

 

converstion could be like this

 

me jen what did u do on the weekend

her movie

me-which one

her-skelton key

me-who did u go with

her-friends

me-i say ah friends or a bf hehehe ahah----what do u think of this line

her-firends -smiles

me are expenisve hey not worth it

her-its reasonable

 

finishe converation this occurring outside of class as we are waiting for the other class to leave as our class is to start. what ya guys think

[joe45]

oh ya and on top of it the girl i liked-and yea most asian gals from the ones i now of are quiet, u always have to be the topic creater and make new topics-sometimes i really wonder if i am annoying em or are they just shy and naturally quiet.

its not me thats quiete its usually em. i understand about the negative and hate this and that and i will elborate too, but if hte other party if quiete well its sooo hard to talk to em, they'll talk back but only if u start it

[jordan_2]

dude,

im sorry, but u gotta have sum flo when ure talking to girls.

I also think that this whole "group" mentality is very highschool (I'm in highschool myself) and even then, everyone gets along at school...

It's good that you're independent, and that you're socializing, but I think that your approach and genuinity (if that's even a word) is not there..

 

As i said in an earlier post...you see your goal but ure not taking the time and care to build a proper foundation...

by talking about how expensive movies are, she may see you as cheap or w.e

the point is, instead of talking about how expensive the movies are, ask her what she thought about the movie, cuz you were gonna go watch that one on the weekend....

maybe you can slowly bring on a relationship...

but from what I'm hearing, you're being a little too aggressive with them...

 

Let them talk to you, you need to let them reciprocate...if you are being friendly, not pushy, and genuine, and the girl still doesn't respond to it, then you'd better move on...and I must say, ure in a smaller college, get away from tehre if you have to and meet new people elsewhere, it'll open up a whole new world of opportunities to help with your social skills..

[ggoman]

Just want to make a minor point.

 

In your imagined conversation you just posted, you ask her what she did, and she said she went to a movie with her friends. At the end of the conversation you say that movies are expensive and not worth it. This is a very bad idea for many reasons, not the least of which is that you are immediately removing a very viable dating option, not to mention telling her that you don't like to do something that she clearly does like to do. I would also question if you even ACTUALLY BELIEVE what you just said. If the answer is no, that's yet another reason not to say it. I have to agree with some of the other posters and say you are just trying way too hard.

You really need to remember that when you do get a girlfriend, she really should be just that - a friend. Try to get to know her. Make her the center of the conversation so she feels like she is actually important. Try to just be yourself. You will also perform the best when you don't feel like you NEED a girlfriend.

[jordan_2]

ggoman!!!

 

couldn't say it better myself...lol that's what I wanted to get at, that fact that you, Joe45, seem to want the idea of a girlfriend, rather than a true partner...you gotta get realistic bud, and get yourself out there once you have.

And I'm telling you again, girls will notice when guys are genuine, they can get that vibe from guys,

 

so I think what everyone in this post is saying, is that you should really rethink your definition of a relationship, and stop being negative (even if it's in a joking matter)

 

and don't worry, u'll get the girl

[joe45]

i am askin this pretty much finding a date or gf is pretty much very similar to like making a friend-same process. some will like to hang with u while others won't am i true.

meaning some ppl will be ur firend and other will be just ur aquintance, or other may just be ur friends u talk to but never hang out with out of school . same with girls some will want to date u, others just as friends while others wouldn;t even want to look at u.

finding a friend just a friend of the same sex is very similar to finding a gf-it is also the same process too right but with flirting.

tell me is this true or not b/c this is what ppl from this forum and others are telling me

 

thank u for all the advice guys

[jordan_2]

finding a friend just a friend of the same sex is very similar to finding a gf-it is also the same process too right but with flirting.

 

Wow I really don't know where you heard that from...

if finding a girlfriend or date is the same as finding a friend of the same sex, then you might as well be bisexual (and I don't mean to offend n e one in anyway) but what I'm trying to say is that, as you stated yourself, the importance of a companion (girlfriend) does not seem to go anymore beyond than a friendship for you, and I personally still think that you're trying to find a trophy girlfriend, one that you can say is "your" girlfriend...

 

I think you have to stop objectifying females and realize that yes, there is a process of befriending and developing of a relationship with the opposite sex, but it goes far beyond a simple friendship or acquantace can ever reach...

 

I really don't think you genuinly want a girlfriend...I hate to say this, and please be honest with yourself on this, but I really think you're still trying to find yourself and what you want out of life...and I think because of it, you may seem a little insecure, thus the reasoning for having a girlfriend....

 

If you really genuinly accept yourself, people (in general) will notice it, and it is this genuine confidence that will eventually attract girls...

but don't go taking advantage of every opportunity, accept friendship where it stands and be humble and caring no matter which girl you meet...

and I'm going to say it again and again...

you have to truly genuinly want a real relationship, not a trophy girlfriend, to appreciate what the word girlfriend, partner, or companion means, and it all starts with you...

 

good luck