Siezing the moment...

[brando]

Why is it that we never can seem to sieze the crucial moment when our relationships first began to go south?

[RayKay]

Should that be seize the moment...as in take charge of it or embrace it, rather then cease...which means to stop or give up???

 

They change the meaning of your post either way!

[chai714]

Good question Brando.

 

My guess is because it's invisible . . .something we can't see. I think our feelings are a poor way of guaging things too, because how you feel about someone has no effect on how they feel about you. While you might still love someone, they may not love you or love you as much. And it's difficult to sense a change in someones feelings toward you, but when you do it's often too late - they've already made up their mind to end things. When they begin acting distant, I think that's when they've already made up their mind and again . . ..by that time it's too late.

[brando]

Sorry foolish me, SEIZE.....

[brando]

I agree with you tosome extent Chai, and maybe i am wrong here, but isn't their one pivotal moment in every relationship that can turn the tide, iam speaking of prior to the words of it is over are ever spoken.

[RayKay]

Thanks brando - that makes more sense!

 

I guess in some relationships there may be a pivotal moment - such as someone getting laid off from work, or another bad experience in life...seeing how you deal with that, and how as a couple you do.

 

But I think often, there is not "one occurrence", but a shift in the persons mind, that creates or builds those occurrences up as reasons or evidence on why they should leave..make sense?

 

Often the mind is changing over a longer slow process, as little things build up, communication breaks down and so on.

 

Personally I have felt the same as you in the past "WHY didn't I see that, why didn't I change that..." but honestly in retrospect, it just is clear that things were not right, we were not right for one another. I can't explain it very well, but if someone uses a "pivotal moment' as a reason, they maybe your relationship did not have the strength in the first place it would of required in the long haul...

[chai714]

isn't their one pivotal moment in every relationship that can turn the tide, iam speaking of prior to the words of it is over are ever spoken.

 

If you're talking about a single moment, I am not so sure. I think when things start to go south it's because of the cumulative effect of bad moments. I'm not sure there is a single pivotal moment. Hopefully more people respond to this one because I'd like to hear other views too.

[CarterJonas]

I think it's very hard, near on impossible to seize this moment because there are no signs of things going wrong until it is too late. For example when the partner starts to see you less, stays out longer, goes off sex, etc, which are all signs, it is USUALLY a sign that is too late to save the relationship.

[PB]

Why is it that we never can seem to sieze the crucial moment when our relationships first began to go south?

 

When you say "Why is it that we", I assume you mean the collective "us" who have lost a relationship which was meaningful to us?

 

I would assume that many, many times persons do "seize" crucial moments and prevent their relationships from falling apart. Many ongoing relationships are probably being "saved" as I currently write this note. Folks are constantly making choices that impact their relationships in either positive or negative ways.

 

It's difficult to know how many times we've all avoided a breakup because of something we did or said at an opportune moment. Like others have said though, it's usually an accumulation of events that lead to a breakup (even though it sometimes appears to be a single dramatic event).

 

I'm probably the world's worst at second-guessing myself. I have spent countless hours dwelling on "if I had done this...and then said this...and maybe followed up with doing this... ".)

 

The fact is, it's not easy to know when crucial moments even occur. Probably even the best "couple" communicators have only a rough idea of what's "really" critical to their partner's satisfaction in the relationship.

 

As for those who don't communicate very well and who don't have an intrinsic understanding of their partners...

 

I guess the bottom line is that it pays to invest a little time along the way to patch up as many "patchable" problems as you can before they accumulate into something bigger.

 

I pretty much knew that my relationship was in trouble in a general sort of way even though my ex and I were not arguing or anything like that. I also knew steps that I could have taken to "improve" the relationship in the eyes of my ex--but, I can't say I was very good at acting on them. Sometimes we are just a little lazy or we tend to procrastinate when it comes to doing these things (because it often requires a good deal more effort than just letting things run their course and hoping for the best).

 

It's also easy to get into the "why should I have to change? Let them adjust to me" kind of thinking.

 

Half the folks tell you to "just be yourself", and you will attract a person who loves the real you. The other half tell you that a relationship is a difficult undertaking and that it will require understanding and some sacrifice to keep it going.

 

I think that is the difficult part for me in a relationship. Where does that dividing line occur between individuality and togetherness? Just how hard is it suppposed to be to make a good partnership with someone? How much sacrifice is necessary before it's too much work and you'd be better off with someone else? What level of personal independence do you need to maintain without causing the other person to feel that you don't care?