Help with a New Breakup - Confused About Why & How

[Unchained_melody]

Hi my name is Em,

 

I just registered here as a new member. A few days ago my partner of 9 months broke it off with me, and we were having some 'time apart' that started about 2 weeks ago. This time apart thing was his idea.

 

It started off being a very compatible, romantic and exciting relationship. We got involved with eachother pretty fast and we lived in together after 2-3 months of seeing eachother.

We started making plans for saving money to buy a house, and travel. There were times that I shouldn't have ignored, the time when he kept losing jobs. He said he was jinxed or something, he said he couldn't keep a job for too long. And he did keep losing jobs. I got under alot of stress because we started having debts we couldn't pay off easily and I was worried because he went through 4 different jobs in less than 2 months, i got stressed out and so did he and we started arguing.

 

Then one day we found a study program that you can teach english overseas or something. So we both did it and we got excited and happy thinking this will help us save more money and I also thought this might be just the right kind of job for him. We went to China.

After a few months being in china, things started getting hectic, I kept getting sick and so I wasn't always in a happy mood. Then he lost his first job there because he wasn't good enough to be a teacher. After the first 3 months in china we had to move to another city where we found another teaching work for us.

 

At times we kept on arguing about money, work, culture shock, stress and lack of intimacy.

After we argued I would usually apologise for saying things I didn't mean, and explaining to him it was just me stressing out.

 

After 3 months of the 2nd job we were at, he got fired again. I cried endlessly, I wasn't crying for myself, I was crying because I felt so sorry for him and I felt hopeless. That night we started arguing and the next day I told him that I still had hope in him and that it would be okay.

We decided to come back to Australia after 6 months in china.

He bought alot of things in china that he said he could sell here. He made alot of promises and assumptions that he will get alot of money from selling all the stuff he bought after 3 weeks. Well it turns out after a few days he didn't sell anything, after 3 weeks, he still didn't sell the stuff he bought.

So we started arguing.

The next day he said 'I think we should have some time apart'. I didn't suspect anything at first but I had a feeling something bad was gonna happen.

The first night when we were apart he rang and said 'I don't think I love you anymore'... I thought I died and gone to hell.

HE said he couldn't stand the arguments and how i hurt him alot in china. And I asked him 'how did I hurt you? you never told me your feelings much back in china, why have you only told me now?'

 

It didn't make any sense. He told me all the kinds of stuff he didn't like that I did in the past on the day he wanted some time apart. I was confused, shocked and heartbrokened. I started apologising for whatever it was that I'd upset him with in china and I was keen in fixing the relationship even though my heart was already torn apart..

He had been holding a grudge all along, he never told me what bothered him, sometimes I don't know why? and i think it's unfair.

 

Grudges - meaning he actually was holding on to our past arguments, however really much they affected him with me not knowing at that time, and he was actually setting up his limits with me or ultimatum. At times when I forgot something or did something he didn't like - he would never actually tell me exactly, but in his mind he was already getting closer to an ultimatum.

 

What bothered and hurt me, was he didn't tell me what kinds of things I did that bothered him, he never told me he was giving me an ultimatum. If he had, I would have done something to fix it or realised my mistakes early enough. There I was thinking I haven't done anything wrong looking up at the clouds and perky as a daisy and the next minute Boom! He tells me he doesn't love me anymore and told me, he didn't like this, he didn't like it when I did that, and he can't stand it anymore and then he broke it off with me..

 

BEFORE the BREAK OFF:

We had time apart for about 2 weeks, I was busy reading books and seeking advice from family and friends about our relationship and what I should do to make it better. On the other hand, He didn't talk to his family or friends, didn't seek any advice at all and just sat there and watched TV most of the time. At other times he'd get really busy doing casual work, and told me that he was more focused on 'money' than 'us', because without money, he can't come and see me. At times, I would call him, say hi and told him what kind of advice I got from books about our relationship, I shared it with him on the phone. Yet he was just all quiet on the phone, he would mainly just listen and he was hesitant into listening to the advice I was reading to him.

I Told him about how Men and Women are different, and we need to accept our differences and understand them. He would just say something like 'Why would I want to put up with how women are like?, I don't wana accept it'.

So me being hurt said; 'I have accepted how men are, I am prepared to put up with their behavior becoz I love u'.

 

And then he wouldnt say anything. He wouldn't even ask me How I was or what I was doing. I always seemed to call him first to talk to him while we were having a time apart.

 

BREAK UP

 

He didn't give me an ultimatum or even told me what he didn't like about what I was doing. - which was 'forgetting'. I don't mean to forget, I just forgot. Forgot that my alarm wasn't set and took a nap. He was trying to call me and he needed my help, I wasn't there, I was in dreamland and when I woke up I hated myself for forgetting. I rang to apologise but it was too late he said 'goodbye'. (sigh) I didn't even mean to forget and I got punished for it. It's horrible, when you didn't intentionally do something wrong and then you get dumped for it.

 

HIs reason for breaking it off with me was 'I just can't rely on you when I need to anymore with anything..so it's over..'

 

Does anybody think this is a good reason for a break up or not? And what kind of guy is someone who doesn't share with you what's bothering him? is that normal?

[Beec]

I think that this break up may have a lot to do with how he feels about himself. If you don't feel worth being loved, soemtimes you think little of the people who love you.

[Ms Omaniac]

to me it sounds like this guy's life is in total disarray...especially financially.

 

and one thing that ive come to realize...to have a healthy relationship...both people need to be able to be happy with themselves and happy in general.

 

maybe the turmoil of his life is affecting his whole outlook on life including his relationship with you?

 

im sorry to hear youre in such pain. hopefully when his life straightens out...he'll call you.

 

- ivy

[Unchained_melody]

Hi everyone and thanks for replying.

 

I especially thank RayKay for putting my post into a new topic. (I didn'tknow how to do it)

 

I do hope he'll call me when his life straightens out.

 

As of now, I won't call him even though I want to so badly. I know I have to controll myself. At times when I'm in bed I feel this sudden rush of anxiety that I really missed him. In the morning when I wake up I feel the same way. Sometimes I burst into tears during these two periods and then I remind myself that I should do something interesting during the day and that's how I motivate myself to get up.

 

I have one debt to sort out, it's the laptop that him and I loaned and I can't afford to pay it off by myself, it was under my name because he really wanted the laptop, but when we split he gave it to me and said he didn't want anything to do with it anymore.

The laptop I still owe about $3000 or so, but I am thinking of returning it back to the company so I can stop paying for it for good.

 

Although I'm scared of touching it, because it reminds me of the memories we had together using it when we were working overseas.

But I know, I haven't got a choice but to open it up, reboot it and delete all the files clean to return it back. I'm afraid of bursting into tears again in the process.

 

At the moment I can't even motivate myself to find a job or work. I am just focusing on healing myself and finding motivation again to go out there. I am going to Sydney to visit my cousins for a month, then when I feel okay again, I'll come back, work and get my own house.

 

I'm tired of renting these days, it's dead money, my parents suggested I get a house while I'm still young and sort out my financial security and physical health first before opening up to any romantic relationship. Mother says taking care of my own dreams and personal desires put first is important because then I will feel secure about myself rather than depending on love to fill in my spiritual and emotional emptiness or other things.

[Unchained_melody]

And you know what frustrates me? is that when him and I first met, he told me he would never 'leave' me unless I cheated on him.

He said it was up to me to leave him if I wasn't happy anymore.

 

But now it turns out he 'broke' that promise because he did promise me that.

[saltwatergirl]

People say those things all the time, because at the time everything is great, and they say what fits the moment. But as soon as their feelings change, all bets are off. Thats why I no longer believe in happily ever after.

 

Salt