Choosing an ex over your unborn child?

[Hopelessness]

Ok heres the deal..recently I broke up with my boyfriend also the father of this baby I'm carrying and at first I decided not to let him around me, not to let him be a part of this childs life when it arrives. After quite a few conversations with him I've decided to let him in and let him be a part of all of it..no, we are not getting back together. Thing is..he's with someone else or trying to rekindle a relationship with this ex, part of the reason we broke up actually..he was cheating on me with her. Anyway..he told me yesterday that she gave him a choice..either ditch the baby and cut off all contact with it or he'd lose her. He's actually considering this which really ticks me off after I've given him the opportunity to be here for all of this. Do I just tell him to piss off or should I see what his next move is? I'm not sure if I should let him be a part of this now..for him to even consider sacrificing a relationship with his own child for the chance to get with this woman seems rather disgusting to me. He's so afraid she wont get back with him that he's stringing me along with all of this until he gets her figured out..he's said he'd be there for the birth and all the appointments but now it's up in the air and I feel like I'm being played with in a major way. I'm counting on him to be there but from the look of things I am going to be let down and I shouldnt have to put up with it. For me the choice seems obvious..your child comes first. Tell me what you all think about this..I could really use the advice.

[melrich]

either ditch the baby and cut off all contact with it or he'd lose her

 

That is a terrible ultimatum. Ideally the father should have some involvement in the child's life but you have to let him make that decision and live with the consequences of it.

 

Trying to force the issue or trying to drive a wedge between him and his new partner will only inflame things. Tell him it is his decision and the consequences are his.

[DN]

I agree with melrich. But also be aware that you may not have a choice if he decides to be part of the child's life. And if he does, then you should consider what is best for the child, not just what is best for you. They are not always the same thing.

[Hopelessness]

Yeah I have pretty much told him that I wouldnt force the issue and I've told him what goes on between the two of them is his business..I wont interfere with that but I wonder..what kind of man would even consider tossing his kid aside for a piece of [censored]..is that someone you really want around a kid in the first place? I also wonder why anyone would want a partner that says "hey get rid of your kid or I dont want you" its all very sick to me.

[Hopelessness]

DN..I have told him he is more than welcome to be a part of the childs life..I'm trying to do whats best for this baby..as for myself its not an issue. Just being out of that relationship is enough for me, I'm better for it. Tricky part is figuring out what is actually best for the child. Not knowing its father at all or placing him in a situation with a dad that once contemplated getting rid of him/her to make a woman happy..how do you choose? Thats the question here.

[DN]

When is the baby due? And don't forget the issue of child suppot. The baby needs a father - but also needs food and shelter and clothing.

 

There is a chance that he will break up with her anyway - especially if she is that controlling.

[Hope75]

You have to give the father a chance to prove he will be a good dad. He's not thinking rationally right now and the other woman should be ashamed of herself for making him make that choice, but hopefully he will make the right choice.

 

My best friend had a baby at age 20. The father was a creep who did not want to be a part of his son't life. He died at age 26 two years ago of stomach cancer. Her son is 10 now and asks about his father all the time, and cries because he never knew him.

 

Give your baby a chance to get to know his or her father before you condemn him, and let that choice to be involved and it's consequences be ones he suffers.

 

Your child deserves a chance to know both parents.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry that he did this to you. Try to remember that it doesn't mean he won't be a good father to the baby.

[Hopelessness]

DN..I'm about 3 1/2 months pregnant so the baby isnt due until after the first of next year. As for the child support thing..thats already being pursued and its when I discussed that with him that he decided he would definitely be a part of this childs life. He said if he's going to pay he's going to have rights and I totally agreed with him. He also said he wouldnt feel quite right about having a child out there he doesnt know or will never see which is why he chose to be a dad in the first place.

Right now though she is his main concern..the love of his life or so he claims and I'm afraid that he will be here for this child one day and decide the next to leave because it pisses her off. She has absolutely no desire for this child to be present in their lives. He's telling me to make arrangements for the ultrasound and that he wants to be there when it happens..he wants to do all these things but then he turns around tells me to wait..he needs to make a decision about her, it's just frustrating, I basically have to wait around for him to be the dad he should be..for him to want this baby..its such a shame when one parent decides the kid just isnt worth it.

[DN]

well, he hasn't decided that yet. And he may decide the Ms Selfish isn't woth it.

 

have you other kids?

[Hopelessness]

I have an 8 year old daughter but she isnt his. Her father left when she was 3 and I havent heard a peep out of him since so thats why this situation is bothering me so much. My daughter constantly asks about her daddy and wonders why he doesnt want her..I dont want to put another child through that.

[DN]

It won't be you putting her through it - it will be him. Don't take too much on yourself if he bails on the child. If you have provided him with the opportunity and encouraged him to be a father then you will have done all you can.

[zod]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. DN is right. It's important that you know that you have not let your child down and anything that the birth father does is not your responsibility.

 

I can understand how you must feel. Only 16 months ago I was in a similar situation as yours. The birth father to my last child decided that for him it would be best if he didn't have any contact with my unborn child - a child that 4 months previously, he said he wanted with me.

 

I have found it very difficult to comes to terms with. My situation is probably a bit more complex, but nevertheless, when you're pregnant and going through a difficult situation, I think it feels 10 times worse.

 

I only hope that you remember that you have not let the baby down and that you are able to keep in good health.

 

If you ex can't see that being in his child's life is of the uttmost importance then, he is obviously too selfish and I would suggest that you just concentrate on your baby and yourself. When your baby is here, then you will be able to make clearer decisions.