Wife is not sure if she wants to come back or not

[Hecklrkosh]

This post has been deleted or changed.

[Hope75]

Did you ask her why she was unwilling to give things a try? How were things between the two of you while you lived apart? Did you talk? Try to resolve any of your problems?

 

Did either of you date other people during the seperation?

[Hope75]

I am a firm believer that spending time apart to work on a marriage doesn't generally work. You don't really have a chance to work as a team to fix the problems that are driving you apart. Of course there are some situations where this might be beneficial, as in one of you has an issue that needs to be worked on alone before you can try to be a couple again, but I have my doubts in your situation.

 

You say things are going well between you two now, maybe what she needs is to miss you a little. If she's got you in her life as much as she wants and she doesn't need to work on the marriage to have that, why change it? She's got her safety net, her place to live, and she doesn't have to take a chance on your marriage to keep in touch with you and know that you still care.

 

Maybe you need to create some distance between you. Tell her that you really love her and want to work this out, but that if she can't decided, you both need some time apart to clear your heads and see what life is really like without each other.

 

Give it a month or so, and see if that changes anything. It sounds to me as though she's getting the best of both worlds right now.

 

Does she still tell you that she loves you? Does she say anything that makes you think she might want to come back?

[brando]

I am sorry for the pain you are enduring. It isnt easy. I am recently divorced myself and realize how foolish and stuborn i was. Our stories souns simialr, and i know if i could go back i would try my hardest to be the complete opposite of what i presented to my ex. Dont get me wrong she has her flaws as well.

 

All ican offer is take care of yourself. You are the only one who can make yourself happy. Dont push anymore and dont mention about the marriage/divorce. Im not sure where you stand with that at this point.

 

It's too bad she doesnt feel she can trust you rght now, i think that is more of an issue for her than for you. One can only do so much to gain and ensure ones trust. THe rest is up to the other person to let go of the hurt and pain once inflicted and get past it. THis generally happens very little.

 

My ex wanted me to just forget about my feelings and agree with her that a divorce was the best answer to our problems. I still dont believe it was the best decision...but it was a decision none the less.

 

I also read on the internet that it didnt matter how i felt at the time, it was how she felt that was crucial, and it tok me some time to really understand that.

 

Do i still love her , yes.. but she feels differently towards me and i can see clearly now why she does.

 

I wish i had more positive advice...but if it helps i can identify wit what you are going throug.

 

Be well,

Brando

[Hope75]

I hope space doesn't work against you as well, there's always the chance that it will. The thing is, it's been 9 months and not much has changed, and you have to start to ask yourself how long are you willing to live in limbo before enough is enough? If your wife believes in this marriage, why isn't she doing anything to try and save it?

 

It could just be that it's more comfortable for her to have her life as is and not follow through with the divorce because with you waiting for her she has that safety net too, if she does decide to come back. Things that drove you apart are not just going to change on their own though, you two have work on it together if that's what you both want.

 

Have you sat her down and had a serious heart to heart with her? Told her that 9 months of not trying is not getting either of you anywhere, and that action needs to be taken, either in the form of really working at this together and making the effort and commitment to make it work, or walking away altogether?

 

I'm concerned for both of you, because if this non-marriage continues to stagnate, where will you both be in a year? Have you talked about that?

 

Yeah she's wearing her ring, but what is she doing to help save this marriage?

[wipedout]

It seems like you have accepted responsibility for your actions. She has to decide whether or not she is willing to forgive you. If she said she is not coming back to you accept it and move on. Don' make the same mistakes in the future. Don't carry guilt around because you cannot change the past. You also have to also heal from this experience. I am not sure why she is not willing to work on the relationship since your language was vague. Perhaps its time to concentrate on you.