I know its for the best but it still hurts!!

[nygirl79]

You can find my initial posting from yesterday here: link removed

 

My BF of 2 years and I broke up last night. I had been doubting our relationshp for a few weeks after I'd seen some behavior from him I didn't really like. Also his emotional baggage and a variety of other things made me wonder if this was right for me. I realized it is not a very healthy relationship. He actually ended up being the one to say it wasn't working, which surprised me. He said he knows we "butt-heads" a lot, because he has a different way of looking @ things than I do. I live by the "dont sweat the small stuff" attitude, he lives by "the small stuff should just not happen to begin with." Seems like an impossibility to me.....he also said he doesnt see marriage any time in the near future, if ever and knows it is important to me. He doesn't want to hold me back and really needs to devote to his career.Understood.

 

I felt relief when he said all this, and I KNOW in my heart this is for the best, but now i cannot stop thinking of all the happy times and i just want to hug him and wish we were hanging out tonight cuddling. But i know that it would be a vicious cycle. I know that. We'd continue to have our ups and downs and I'd be unhappy. He's had problems controlling his emotions for 2 years now. Its just hard when all i can think about are the things we'd do together, the shows, the dinners, the movies, snowboarding, etc. I know we have a tendency to focus on the positive, but i guess i need to know how to really convince myself that this is for the best. Its like when we were still together and i was having doubts, i'd picture myself with someone who made me happier, but now that we've broken up, i cant picture myself with anyone else!!! UGH

 

Any advice/suggestions!?!

[confusedashell]

Maybe all you two need is some space and a good long serious talk? Tell him whats bothering you about the relationship. You obviously still have a lot of feelings for him. If he wants it and you want it and you both and resolve your differences I say go for it. You dont want to end up leaving it all and later realising you shouldnt have had. Thats just what I think...

[nygirl79]

Well the problem is...its not necessarily that i want us to be together. I know this is for the best. He has anger issues and gets upset a lot and I'm not strong enough to be there in the capacity he needs. He gets mad over little things and I always end up apologizing for stuff I dont think is wrong. Also, the marriage thing is big to me, and he knows it is not something he wants anytime in the near future, if ever. He doesn't want to drag me along only to decide it isnt what he wants....

 

My issue is just facing the fact that we wont even have the GOOD times anymore. I can do without the bad times. I don't miss them at all!!! I just feel bad when I think about the fun stuff we've done together. But I know a relationship is more than that. We didn't work in more ways than one. I just need to see that this is for the best, and I was ok with it but sometimes i am so overwhelmed that I get scared at the thought of ever being happy with anyone else....maybe its that comfort thing ive had for 2 years. I dont know!

[RayKay]

As I said on your thread yesterday, you will have rough times ahead where you wonder if you did the right thing or not, and where there are regrets. Totally normal when someone has been part of your life for a while! And it is also hard to imagine anyone else in their place.

 

You need to have faith in the healing powers of time. And also realize, that there are plenty of men whom you can share dinners with and movies and so on (even friends!), but you are looking for more than that. You are looking for a partner whom will respect you, love you, be your equal, be compatible with and have connections on all levels with. And that was not your ex.

 

Time will heal your heart, and your thoughts. And once you are ready, you will be able to open your heart to someone else. Just make sure they are the right person for you, in other words, don't settle just to have someone, do not give your love easily, but don't be stingy either!

 

In the meantime, throw yourself into your passions, and interests, work out (does wonders for a broken heart!), draw/paint, read, join a sports team, or volunteer, hang out with friends, family, go dancing, enroll in a new class, whatever you want to do...you are single sweetie and are free to just enjoy what the world has to offer!

[nygirl79]

RayKay- you always have such great advice!!! Your words really did help. I guess the part that is making this the hardest is that we work together....and normally we'd sit together and eat, or we'd be going over to his place after work, and we're not. Also, we still talk over IM, and email, and i know its because he's upset and of course doesnt know if he's doing the right thing, he is being so nice and sweet, etc. I know its because of what happened yesterday and he is hurting and missing me already, that is just what makes it so hard!!! I know it will pass.....this really is for the best, at least for right now.

[Bounder]

As a guy going through something like what your ex must be feeling, understand its hard for him. Let him know that you'll miss those good times, and he should too. But, if you believe its for the best, you must be firm.

 

My ex right now is having problems because it has gotten icy between us since she dumped me. I just cant bear to look at her, it brings up too much hurt and memories. We have many common friends and work in the same field, so we will bump into each other often. she writes me saying that she doesnt want it to be awkward....but what do you expect right?

 

How do you want the future with your ex to be? He may be thinking about that too.

[nygirl79]

We both agreed that we want to remain in each others lives. I think this time it could work because its really the life stuff that has come between us. We both love each other so much that we need to sacrifice our relationship for what the other person needs. I know right now it is just a matter of missing the comfort, not being able to kiss, hug, cuddle. I dont miss the arguing and the times when he made me feel really bad, which was a lot especially in the past 8 months. its just so hard to see that right now. it doesnt help that we work together. we are both mature though and i know we will get thru it. I have plenty of friends and hobbies to occupy my time....the thing that hurts the most is he really doesnt. ive been his best (and pretty much only) friend for 2 years now. Maybe im worrying too much about him, but it hurts me because i know the nights im out with friends getting my mind off it, he is probably at home hurting. Its the ever-popular "cant live with you, cant live without you" relationship. There was so much that did work and so much that didnt. I think breakups are way easier when you hate each other!!! ugh!!

[Bounder]

Yes! I am trying really hard to build animosity, but i cant

We were at a job interview together today and she wrote me an e-mail after to say it was weird that we didnt say a word to each other, even on the elevator, and that she just wanted to hug me. I think she feels that i have nothing too, but you'd be surprised by people's resilience. it WILL be hard for him...you've already made the mental mourning step in deciding to end it, he still needs to, and your needs to still have him around may give him false hope, you know?