man i feel useless with human relations

[August200]

i don't know about anyone else here but i guess there are a few more people like me in the world. as well as lacking confidence with approaching people i can't easily make friends either. im not good with talking to people. People say that personnality is attractive but how can someone get to know your personnality if you can't talk with them. even if i manage to conquer my fear of approaching people then i won't be able to have an interesting convo except for the usual how are you and stuff like that. i don't have an "attractive" personnality and im not very good looking so...

 

i guess ill always be alone. (im 16 btw and the fact that im that age means ill have more time to be miserable and not more chances to meet people)

[wlfpack81]

Don't worry August. You're not the only one it this situation. I'm 24 and have extreme shyness as well and have hard times talking with people. Though I have managed to make a good set of friends thanks to work. However, I still lack female friends and g/f's b/c of my shyness.

 

But nice thing about your situation is you're still young and have yet to go to college. So unlike me there's still plenty of hope for you my friend. Don't give up yet b/c college will be one of the best times of your life and you'll get the chance to meet plenty of cool people there.

[jna35]

Somehow I doubt that you are unattractive. We are always our own worst critics especially when we are feeling depressed to begin with. I bet there are plenty of people who would love to get to know you.

 

Don't beat yourself up about being on the shy side. You certainly aren't alone in that. It's tough under the best of circumstances to be 16, let alone be 16 and feel so miserable and alone!I know, I've been there.

 

Try to start small and set realistic goals for yourself. Maybe that could be to introduce yourself to one new person a day or if that's too much, a week. Also, consider joining a club at school or taking up a hobby. You don't need to be an expert conversationalist. No one expects you to be. Just be yourself and the conversations will generally flow naturally. You can talk about movies, music, or whatever is on your mind. Believe me, it does get easier and you won't be alone for the rest of your life.

[brando]

A great exercise i learned was to go to a mall, or a public shopping plac and do some people watching. When you see an interesting looking person, go up to them and ask them for the time, or to make change for a dollar or something. This will help you with approaching people you do not know.

 

As for girls, do the same thing, but look for something you think is interesting about them, their shoes, earings, something and approach them in the same manner asking for the time or something else and then compliment them on the thing you noticed about them.

 

It sounds silly, but it is effective in learning to approach and speak to new people.

 

Their is tons of information on the net for building self confidence and talking to new people, making new friends.

 

It isnt anything to be embarrassed about, it is a lesson in life for you to learn and get past.

 

Try these exercises for a few weeks and you will see how comfortable you become with approaching people.

 

Also watch your thoughts, look out for negative thoughts, they kill your self confidence, and they prevent you from approaching people.

 

Also ask yourself what interests you have, things you like to do. And read up on these things, become more familiar with them and you have more to talk about. Now find people with the same interests and you will be set with conversation.

 

For a long time i never paid attention to sports, but now i realize what a conversation starter it can be, follow a local base ball or football team, learn players names, read the sports section. Each morning get on the internet and go to yahoo home page and look at the headlines, find one or two particular headlines you may be interested in and read and try to converes later with someone your talking with.

 

Hope this helps.

[lifeiscash]

I used to be pretty shy, I think I naturally grew out of it. Now I'm a waiter/server at a busy bar/restraunt and I can't be "shy" if I have a job like that. Maybe you should work in the restruant bussiness. At the age of 16 you can be a host or maybe even a food runner. This will give you experience "talking" to random people.. and it can help you along your way at approaching people to.

 

Even though I am a waiter.. I used to feel like I would not have anything "valuable" to talk about when meeting new people. It wasn't that I was shy, but more to the fact that I didn't know what to talk about. If this is the case, talk about the other person. Like what they are wearing, what they like to do.. people like to talk about themselves.. and usually you can start out with a good rep if you just listen to what people say. Let them do most of the talking and just ask questions generally about them..or what they like to do.

 

And remember, most people are just like you.. they want to be liked by a new person and are skeptical about how they are being percieved... the best bet is just to be relaxed and understand that you are who you are and if they can't appreciate you as you.. then you shouldn't want to talk with them neway.

[SkyFire]

link removed

 

Read this.

[wlfpack81]

Nice advice Skyfire from that other thread but....as that one girl said attractiveness does play a part. If you don't have the looks then despite doing all those things you suggested it's still gonna be 10x as hard to get the results you want as most people want to be somewhat attracted to the person they date.

[ShySoul]

Well, I'm an extremely shy guy. I don't approach people, never had. I have few real friends, only about 3 I would classify as a true friend. I don't talk much in groups. Yet, that hasn't bothered me much. If anything, that is beneficial. People will talk to you through the natural course of events. When they do just talk back. Be nice and polite. Try to find a common interest and talk about it. Relax and be yourself. Just about everyone I know likes me and is fine around me, even if we are not extremely close. And the few that do become very close, you'll know that they are real friends because you don't just hand out your friendship to who ever comes along.

 

Yeah, and don't worry about being alone either. I've had several girls be the one to strike up a conversation with me so it does happen. And the fact that you are 16 just means more time for someone good to come along. The problem isn't in what you are doing, its what you are thinking. You think that you will be alone, you think you have a problem, thus you make that so. Don't worry about it, focus on yourself, and you'll be fine.

[Shinobie]

You are one lucky person shy.In my life i have not had one single girl come up too me and start a conversation.As a matter of fact when im groups where people are talking the girls look at me like why the hell are u here.If i was attractive they would ask "who is your friend" so slap a big /ugly on that.Dont get like me august200 im too the point where im practically fed up with teenage girls or younger girls like low 20's.

[Caldus]

I used to be extremely shy but I'm still somewhat shy in general. I am able to approach strangers a lot easier than I used to. I think what brando says holds a lot of truth. Because I did these type of exercises earlier this summer to help with my confidence and shyness. It helped tremendously. You will find that people around you are just as insecure as you in general. Granted that you will face rejection or whatever at some point, most people respond to you positively unless you say something really mean or wacky to them. Go ahead and try what brando suggested. I guarantee you that just about every person will seem just as insecure as you were at first.

[volution]

I'm very shy - I always have been, and believe I always will be - that is just my nature, and to compromise who I really am, would to be deny my true self, to put up an aritifical mask, and isn't that exactly what people don't want - to know a mask? I will not put on an act, for the sake of other's reserve; I refuse to put forth a fake self and compromise my integrity.

The problem is not me, I have worked out that much - it is the world. Our world isn't geared up for shy, gentle people - it's all about trickery, masks, shields, acts, chauvinism, surface beauty.

Unwritten rules command us to 'fit in', 'to go with the flow', 'to deny creative impulses', 'to follow the crowd', to be a 'fashion victim', to alliege ourselves with brands, films, TV programmes and newspapers...

Most shy people, I have found, are creative, gentle, deep souls, with so much to give, but the harsh world wants 'loud', boisterous, proletarian people who know their place.

I've found that most shy people have been bullied much at school (and sometimes at home and work), because their uniqueness is unwanted, their genius unrecognised and even feared.

Some people tell shy people to change, but perhaps those people are really uncomfortable with themselves - so they want the shy people to change to fit in.

 

No... the problem is confidence. Shy people often have little or no confidence. You can still be shy, and have confidence - that is what I have been learning. You don't have to put on an act - true confidence, is just being the best 'you' you can be - putting forth your true talents and gifts, and not wearing a fake cloak to impress and awe people.

To just be 'you' - to let your true self, your soul, shine through - and that just might make you irresitably attractive to the opposite sex...

[ShySoul]

Shinobie: Yes, I'm the most unlucky lucky guy around. The things I've been through... and if I was so lucky then why is every girl either friends, taken, or not ready for a relationship? But the key is to not worry about, just go with what life brings. What was the saying: the last shall be first? Last to have girls approach, last to have a relationship, but it will be first class all the way when it happens. And don't worry, I've always been friends with girls, but it wasn't until this year that they started noticing me more. You've got all the time in the world.

 

volution: I agree with your view, although I try to not be as cynical about it. Who is the weaker, more insecure person: the shy one who accepts and embraces his personality or the one who feels shy people have to change to fit the mold others expect?

 

I'd say that it isn't just about confidence, its about fear. Based on what others tell them, shy people can start to lose the confidence they already have. In its place is fear of not fitting in, fear that others won't like or understand them, fear that they aren't good enough, or fear that they'll have to put on a mask for others and not like who they become. These fears then either cause a shy person to become someone he's not to fit in, or run away and hide behind the shyness, carrying it too far.

 

It's learning that you are stronger then these fears, and that you are just fine as you are. You can be shy and confident.

[Caldus]

Unwritten rules command us to 'fit in', 'to go with the flow', 'to deny creative impulses', 'to follow the crowd', to be a 'fashion victim', to alliege ourselves with brands, films, TV programmes and newspapers...

 

Only if you think it commands you to do those things will you be sucked into it all. I personally don't find any reason to get too worried about it all. Besides, it's your life. Be an individual.